Mythical Creatures - Matteo Lane & Nick Smith - I Never Liked You 85

Nick, you cannot say that was a good point anymore that was I ate with that. I hate with that. Okay, so agree to disagree on that one. What's the welcome back to the episode of I never liked you as Mateo Lane and Nick Smith. And today we're talking about mythical creatures and whether we believe them or not. Hello, I'm Kelly Mantle. Hello. I'm Kelly Mantle. Hello. I'm Kelly Mantle. I think you're more likely to believe in these than me. Whoa. Putting it out there. Why? Do you believe in aliens? Well, in what sense? Do I think that they're coming here and abducting people? No. Do you believe in miracles? There can be miracles. I haven't sang in forever. I can't sing once or good reason. Oh my god, Nick is coming. Do you believe in ghosts? No. Although I talked about this. We did talk about this. Catholics believed in ghosts. They don't believe in gay people that exist, but ghosts. No, they believe in gay people. They just call them priests. Um, that's we're not allowed to say that you have to believe that Chris is going to list us off some. Oh, Nick, did you hit the timer? I did. Oh, sorry, I missed it. Nick hasn't eaten anything. So his energy is a bit low. I'm sorry. How is my energy low? No, yours is low. I'm, I'm, I'm pepped up. I'm hyped. Chris is going to ask us some creatures that are infamous and mythic. And we're gonna see if we believe in them. Infamous? They're known for the wrong reasons? Sometimes, I think. Do you believe in Bigfoot? No. Um. Oh my god, Nick, you are worse than me. You already started off. Now hear me out. What? I don't. Okay. Okay. I do think that there could be creature-like beings in the essence of Bigfoot. Like a monkey? Or a gorilla? A gorilla is literally what you're describing. Kind of, but it's more human-like. Well, like Bigfoot, and then what's the other one? You think of Sasquatch? Sasquatch. I think it's the same thing. I think it's just different. Cousins? Cousins. I think it's just, I don't know, but I used to watch all these, like, like Bigfoot hunting shows, and it was always the same thing. Nothing happened. It was just sort of like, man, we got, I saw something there in the woods, and it made a noise, and then I saw a footprint, and there's like zero evidence. There's no footprints. There's no bones. There's not no footprints. There's no footprints. And then that one video they have from like the 1970s, someone actually stabilized the video, and it just walks like a normal human. Like, it's clearly a person in a costume. Now, come on. Like, nothing about it is convenient. It's just walking. It turns, and it conveniently looks, and then keeps walking. Now, let me ask a question. We have learned on this podcast. We have learned, or you've learned? We have learned, I didn't stutter, that 80% of the ocean has not been discovered, correct? And you will always find a way to bring in the ocean. No, no, wait. How much of the land has not been discovered, or have we discovered all of the land? I think we've done a pretty good job discovering most of the land. So that's my question. I mean, there's obviously, like, in the jungle, we don't know every nook and cranny. Okay, okay. But not the ocean, because we can access the land. I understand. Not only by going through it, but by flying over it in satellites. So that's my question. Actually, to answer your question, Google Earth has scanned almost the entire planet, land-wide. Okay, so that is my question. If we have discovered all of the land, then no, I don't think they're real, because we would know. But if there are parts that we haven't, then maybe it could be. You don't know. I don't know. And you don't know. What do you think the comments are saying right now? Comments? Comments. Oh, the comments. What do you think the comments are saying? They're talking about my blouse. Chris, what have you found? About what? Anything that Nick said. The land. Would you go on one of those hunts? A big hunt for one? Yeah. They do that? Yeah. I would go with you. I don't like camping, but I would definitely do that. I don't like nature, and it's probably in the woods. You're wearing a shirt with nature on it. These are flowers. They're leaves. And leaves. But I'm not in the woods, like, roughing it, looking for Sasquatch and Bigfoot. No, I'm not interested in the woods, or I'm not in the jungle. Okay, so Bigfoot's a no. Okay, it's a no. You've convinced me. What do you guys think about the Loch Ness Monster? Literally, that photo is a child's toy in the water, and it's a perfect shadow. What child's toy is that large? And that, but it's not large. It's this big. There's multiple photos. There's one photo. No. There is one photo of the Loch Ness Monster. There are multiple, and video. There's literally one photo of the Loch Ness. That's a rose. Nessa, Nessa, I've got something to confess. I'm just saying, if we, now come on now. That's the one photo. Nick, look at that ******* bullshit. Yeah, there's multiple. Look at that. This is the one. That is what Martin Short played with in Clifford the Movie, with his stupid pet dinosaur. It's obviously a toy that was put in the water, and they zoomed up and cropped it, and they're like, it's Bigfoot. Those ******* ripples are so, what waves move like that, with a Loch Ness Monster that's that big? I think there's more photos and videos, Chris. You're just not showing, because you're on his side again. Stop saying that he's always on my side. I'm just saying. You can't just say that. I don't think there's any- Hear me out. What? Which, either way, neither one of us, I think I've done more research than you, because I watch the Travel Channel. Hear me out. We have learned that 80% of the ocean hasn't been discovered. So if 80% of the ocean hasn't been discovered, and Nessie lives in a body of water- First of all, she doesn't live in the ocean, she lives in a lake. So I'm saying, who's to say we haven't discovered- They've also scanned- Have we discovered all of the Great Lakes? They've- You were the one that said they're so deep we haven't even discovered all of them. I didn't, first of all, I didn't say any of that. That is what you said. I didn't say that they were so deep we haven't discovered them. Secondly- What if there's a Nessie in our own country? Secondly, they've already scanned, and they have done so much deep diving- They haven't. Chris, can you look up and see what they've done and how much they've scanned? If they can't deep dive and scan the whole ocean, who's to say they can't scan that lake? You think that a lake is the same as an ocean. You were the one that said the Great Lakes are similar to the ocean. I'm saying size-wise, but I'm not saying that that's the size- Well, how big is this one? Where is it? Scotland? Yeah, it is. Scientists use sonar equipment to scan the depths of Loch Ness for large moving objects. Results. Occasionally, sonar picked up an unexplained blip, but nothing confirmed to be a creature. Most were later attributed to debris, schools of fish, or equipment errors. Unexplained. So, isn't that convenient? Schools of fish. How many photos are there of the Loch Ness Monster? Besides that one perfect photo- I saw a video. There's this photo, but it seems fake. That's on the Wikipedia page, but it doesn't- I know I saw a video. I think I watched a documentary on this. Unsolved Mysteries. Isn't it a whole episode? Are you confusing- The Holmes video. There is an Unsolved Mystery episode about Nessie. Are you confusing Nessie for the orcas who need a sanctuary? No, but we will get them that. And when we get it, we're putting her in it. When we find her. She's obviously- If she was alive, she would be dead by now. That's not true. Some of these whales and sharks have been around before we were. Well, not them specifically, Nick. Their species has. I don't know about that. Didn't they find a whale or shark recently that was like 400 years old? 400 years old is not 26 million years. Right, but it's old. Yeah, I mean turtles live up to like 150 years old. I'm just saying Nessie could be one of the last surviving creatures that evolved from the dinosaurs of whatever thing she evolved from. So she evolved by not evolving at all, and she just stayed in the lake. She's in her final form. She's not a Pokemon, and she just stayed- And we gotta catch them all. She just stayed in a lake. She didn't procreate. It's a lake, but she can't jump over the lake into the rivers. Multiple Loch Ness-es? Monsters? They've died. She's an orphan. Here you are shitting on her. She lost her family. She lost her friends. She's a single motherless monster, and you're being a monster. Chris has information. Saying she's not real. There's a bunch of random things, but no one's ever really seen anything. No one's seen 80% of the ocean. Doesn't mean it's not there. Doesn't mean it's not there. You cannot say that anymore. I ate with that. I ate with that. Okay, so agree to disagree on that one. What's the next one? What's the next one? We filmed a part two of this episode as a bonus episode this month, exclusively on our Patreon, so be sure to join. Philadelphia, we're doing a live podcast recording. September 21st at Punchline Philly. Get your tickets at the link in the description below. Or go to metalingcomedy.com. Are you putting off that dream trip because you're nervous about not speaking the language? Well, don't sweat it. Babbel has got your back. Start speaking new languages with confidence, thanks to Babbel's conversation-based technique that quickly teaches you useful words and phrases about the things you actually talk about in the real world. There's over a dozen languages available to learn at your own pace, so you can achieve your goals with material tailored to your individual proficiency level, interests, and time availability. 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Get up to 55% off babbel.com slash ineverlikedyou. Spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash ineverlikedyou. Babbel.com slash ineverlikedyou. Rules and restrictions may apply. This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online, whether you're just starting off or you're trying to scale your business. Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand, and get paid all in one place. Squarespace gives you everything you need to offer services and get paid all in one place. From consultations to events and experiences, showcase your offerings with a customizable website designed to attract clients and grow your business. Get paid on time with a professional on-brand invoice and online payments. Plus, streamline your workflow with built-in appointment scheduling and email marketing tools. 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We've talked about this before. If I hear you say 80% of the ocean. There's no way to definitively say they do not exist- Do you think 100% of the ocean is full of swarms of life? Or do you think that there's more different pockets that have life based off temperature, where the food is, how deep the ocean goes, what the- Like, do you think like the entire earth, every single part of the earth that is land is filled with people or animals? Or are there vast areas that have very little life? There's no way to do that. James Cameron, get in your boat and start discovering. What's the next topic, Chris? Vampires. No. I didn't- Although a lot of you like to call me a vampire. No, they don't exist. I don't- I didn't think Nosferatu was very good. I didn't like that he had a mustache. I think that actually made him seem- Ice cream. He just looked like an Eastern European landlord in Chicago. He didn't feel very vampire-y to me. I don't believe in vampires. Werewolves. No. Although I think Bigfoot is the closest we'll get. Why don't you tell us what a werewolf is, and then tell us what Bigfoot is, and let's see the similarities. A werewolf is Hugh Jackman. What's his character's name? Are you thinking of that like weird vampire movie? Are you thinking of Wolverine? Wolverine. You think Wolverine and werewolves- Hold up. You think Wolverine and werewolves are the same? They're similar. They're not. At all. Why don't you tell us what a werewolf is, and then let's go through what Wolverine is. A werewolf is a man or woman or they them that converts into a hairy beast feeding on the blood of people and animals. And they're the only things besides a wooden stake that could kill a vampire. But when do they turn into these? Oh, so I didn't know. When do they turn into these? When the clock strikes midnight and that moon is full. Well, I think the first was Cinderella. The second was- She turns into a werewolf. Okay, now what is Wolverine? An X-Men with claws and regenerative powers. What are his claws made of? Metal. Well, what kind- So strong. His whole bone structure. It can't be broken. It's called... Can you think that werewolves and Wolverine are the same thing? Hugh Jackman looks like he would be a werewolf. I don't disagree with that. Okay, Chris, next. Fairies. No. Well, Hell's Kitchen. We're sitting here, but no. Unicorns? No. Oh, God. Okay, now- 80% of the ocean hasn't been discovered. I'm not saying unicorns and how we know them exist, but there are those sea creatures with one horn nor walls. And in a sense- How did you bring up the ocean again? You could call them- It's about a ******* unicorn. Unicorns. You could call a swordfish a unicorn? A swordfish? No, a nor wall. And you think that's a unicorn? In a sense, it is. Rhinos could be considered unicorns. That's out of their, like, nose. Unicorns out of their forehead. Regardless. So that didn't answer anything. You just said that there's- So I don't think a unicorn and how we know it exists, but if you want to label a nor wall as a unicorn, you could. You could. A nor wall's an animal in the ocean, and we're talking about a horse with wings and- With wings? That's Pegasus. No, unicorns have wings. No, they don't. Yeah, they do. Unicorns have this, and then they're, like, usually rainbow colored. Right, but they don't have wings. I think they have wings. You're thinking of Pegasus from Hercules. Well, Pegasus too. Unicorns don't have wings. Do unicorns have wings? Think about the squatty potty unicorn. You know the guy with wings? Unicorns don't have wings. Thank you. Marketing your calendars. Time stamping. I mean, the cartoon ones did, but- All right, Chris, you went too far. You went too far, Chris. Wait a minute, they do. Next. Chupacabra. Escuse? No, but I did see- Is that that thing that killed the dinosaurs? The chickaloo club. What was that called? The chickaloo. So what's a chupacabra? A chupacabra is a Mexican mythical- I don't think that's legit. This is on Wikipedia. It's like a Mexican folk tale about like a kind of animal that eats like kids or dogs and stuff. Oh. I've never seen that before, that drawing. Like a chupacabra. What are those brown things that look like- Platypuses? But they sound- the name is almost like a chupacabra. Capybara? Capybara. Maybe they're related. Now, come on now, they sound the same. 80% of the ocean hasn't been- Is the chupacabra from the ocean? The chupacabra would apparently eat livestock, including goats, and drink their blood. That was its thing. All right. What about Mothman? I don't even know what the Mothman is. Is that a superhero? It's like- isn't it like a- the Mothman's like a- Humanoid creature that was- Something about time relapsing? I don't- I'm gonna say no. I'm gonna go with no. Came around to Point Pleasant, West Virginia in 1967. West Virginia? Need I say more? They got some spooky ---- there. Slender Man. What was the- didn't those girls like try and kill their- And I know a lot of you call me Slender Man. Didn't those two girls like try and kill their classmate for the Slender Man told them to? I- I think it's a tale that has been spun. I think it probably derived from just like a creepy, tall, thin- You? Tall people. You are the Slender Man. You're tall, creepy, and who's mean. If I saw a fog around you, I'd believe that you were the Slender Man too. Maybe that's what I'll be for Halloween. May 2014, two 12-year-old girls in Wisconsin held down and stabbed a- Did the girl die? 19 times? Reportedly claimed that they wished to commit a murder as a first step to becoming proxies for the Slender Man, having read about it online. Ah, because of the Slender Man- did the girl die? And the Slender- 19 times, I assume? Experts testified in court that she had also conversed with Lord Voldemort in one of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Which one though? Michelangelo? Donatello? Splinter. Splinter seems suspicious. Okay, so that girl- Is an idiot. Probably should be locked up. Both of them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Slender Man. It's like an online myth. Like the backrooms? The backrooms, aren't they like this like- The backrooms? Backrooms? Backrooms. In like a club? The darkroom. No, it's- what are they called, Chris? Can you look it up? It's like a- it's like- it looks like an office in the 1980s that's empty and people like get stuck in there. It's a myth online. It doesn't exist, but- I've never even heard of this. Is that that Severance show? Severance? The backrooms? Is that what they're called, Chris? Uh, backrooms is an urban legend started by a large maze of empty yellow rooms. Yeah, apparently it's just an internet thing that started- I'm gonna say no. Yeah, I'm gonna say no too. So we don't believe in anything. The only thing you believe in is a Loch Ness monster. Nessie, this is a PSA and I'm not gonna be cut off. Nessie, I'm here for you. We will protect you. We will find you and we will get you a sanctuary. And screw these non-believers. First of all- I believe. First of all- And that's what matters. There could be a hundred people in the room- And 99 don't believe in you and all you- Nick. It's one. First of all- And I'm not one. She's technically already in a sanctuary because she's never been seen, spotted, killed, or hurt. Potato, potato. So she's not an orca who's being used for anything. She can't even be found. So let's just start that. So she's- If she's even real, she's fine. If? And also, she doesn't watch this show. Just because 80% of the ocean hasn't been discovered doesn't mean that she doesn't- doesn't mean that she watches this show. She's watching. Oh, she's watching. All of us. He's watching. Thank you for watching and listening to another episode of our podcast. Come see me on tour. I will be in Australia and New Zealand and Europe. So go to Mattelinkcomedy.com. Please like, comment, subscribe. Please leave a review. It really does help the show. And if you're in Philadelphia, please get tickets at the links in either of our bios. We're performing in September at the Punchline. Until next time.