Jeff Bezos: History's Most Powerful Nerd | The Dailyshowography

DESI LYDIC (VOICEOVER): America has always been home to titans of industry, but only one capitalist in history has ever been this much of a dork. I'm Jeff Bezos. I'm the founder of amazon.com. DESI LYDIC (VOICEOVER): This is "The Daily Showography" of Jeff Bezos, history's most powerful nerd. [UPBEAT JINGLE] Born to teenage parents in Albuquerque, New Mexico, Jeff's identity asserted itself early. JEFF BEZOS: I was very nerdy and good student. I liked school. DESI LYDIC (VOICEOVER): His favorite place in the world was RadioShack, where he developed an appreciation for technology, cheap garbage from China, and underpaying workers. [CASH REGISTER SOUNDS] After graduating from high school as valedictorian, Jeff attended Princeton, one of the best colleges for nerds. Socially, I was a little awkward. I didn't really date much until, like, my last year of college. Actually, I set up sort of a formal plan to date. I had all my friends set me up on blind dates. None of them worked out very well. DESI LYDIC (VOICEOVER): Yes. Despite many positive reviews from his friends, women found the actual product wasn't what they had been led to believe. After college, Bezos joined a Wall Street hedge fund. On Wall Street, Bezos also found something almost as good as money-- his future ex-wife, MacKenzie Scott. She would later tell Vogue magazine it was Jeff's laugh that made her fall in love with him. [LAUGHTER] Hey, sometimes love is blind and deaf. [LAUGHTER] It was around this time that Jeff noticed that the world was changing. JEFF BEZOS: I came across the startling statistic that web usage was growing at 2,300% a year. So I decided I would try and find a business plan that made sense in the context of that growth. And I picked the books as the first best product to sell online. DESI LYDIC (VOICEOVER): With a quarter million dollar investment from his parents, a garage to work from, and MC Hammer khakis, Bezos launched his empire. [DANCE MUSIC] Within a few years, Amazon went from online bookseller, to Wall Street Darling, to the so-called everything store. Third-party vendors could sell literally anything on Amazon's website, from stuff to put in your butt to stuff you shouldn't put in your butt but will anyway because you're not a coward. Amazon was taking the world by storm. And while Bezos was still literally the nerdiest person in the world-- JEFF BEZOS: My watch updates itself from the atomic clock 36 times a day, if that gives you any indication. DESI LYDIC (VOICEOVER): --he was driving Amazon into the future. A future of nonstop Growth How did Jeff Bezos transform himself into a life-size Oscar statue? By using his big, nerdy brain to devise the perfect growth plan to expand his business and his body. Since starting Amazon, Bezos has amassed a net worth of $200 billion, money that he's used to make the world a better place. Sure, he spent some of it on a superyacht that has its own yacht, and the world's fastest jet, and like a shit-ton of mansions, exotic food, a prehistoric bear skeleton, and some gigantic clock that only ticks once a year. But he also gave back. REPORTER: Jeff Bezos paid zero federal income taxes for two years. DESI LYDIC (VOICEOVER): Maybe not to his country, but he has given nearly 1.5% of his net worth to charity. And while he didn't share much of his wealth with Amazon workers, he definitely helped them to boldly go where no one has gone before. CHRIS HAYES: Amazon workers have to pee into bottles because of Amazon's stringent quotas that keep them too busy to go to the bathroom. DESI LYDIC (VOICEOVER): You know what they say, "Teach a man to fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to piss in a bottle while he eats his fish, he only has to take a two-minute lunch break." [LAUGHTER] Jeff's plan was working perfectly. But there was one thing his plan didn't take into account-- that all his success would go to his head. The National Enquirer obtained nude photos of Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos. The pictures and racy text messages from Bezos to his girlfriend, Lauren Sanchez, led to the end of his marriage. DESI LYDIC (VOICEOVER): With one stupid mistake, Jeff lost the thing that was most important to him in all the world-- $38 billion. Jeff had hit rock bottom. He had literally showed the world his dick. But soon he would bounce back by showing the world his bigger, shinier, rocket-powered dick and riding it to the cosmos. Tonight, mission accomplished. Jeff Bezos launches into space in the first unpiloted, fully civilian suborbital flight. DESI LYDIC (VOICEOVER): Yes, Bezos accomplished his boyhood dream and same-day shipped himself into the stars. Bezos had finally done it. He finally made space travel seem uncool. JEFF BEZOS: I also want to thank every Amazon employee and every Amazon customer, because you guys paid for all of this. DESI LYDIC (VOICEOVER): And now, the world knows the real Jeff Bezos as well as Jeff Bezos knows himself. I always worked really hard. I was nerdy. You were nerdy? I was nerdy. That hasn't changed by the way. [LAUGHTER]