My Mom Blames Me For Not Being Able To Buy A House

Brought to you by the EveryDollar app. Start budgeting for free today. I have a mother, single mother. I have three other siblings. We are from Wisconsin, and my mom, she does pretty good financially. She's a doctor, but she wanted all of us to go to college. With us going to college, she took out multiple parent plus loans in order for us to go to school. She moved us out to Arizona, so she kind of took care of us, like paid for, you know, my rent for two years while I was in school, graduated. Now I'm in a good financial position. My mom is in Arizona, and she wants to purchase an $800,000 home. They won't let her purchase the home because of her debt to income ratio from the parent plus loans that she took out for us, me and my siblings. I'm kind of the more financially responsible one, so she asked me if I could, you know, be a cosigner on her $800,000 mortgage. Keep in mind, I'm only 22 years old. You know, I have my own place, have my own car. I don't really have much debt outside of, you know, the parent plus loans that I'm helping my mom with, but she's kind of guilt tripping me and saying, hey, out of everything I did for you, this is the least that you can do for me. So it's kind of a fight with the family, an $800,000 mortgage that I'm scared to cosign because one, I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to get off of it, and two, my mom, she's pretty smart. Like, she's not like bad financially. No, she's not. Well, there's something really important here that can easily be missed, which is just because something turned out okay doesn't mean there wasn't a mistake attached to it, right? Like, you guys ended up in college and you guys are okay, but there was still a mistake that she made in cosigning all those loans. Otherwise, she would be able to buy her house, no problem, and there would be no debt to income ratio issue. So you've got to go to her and say, here's the thing, mom, I thank you for everything you've done for me, but there's still, cosigning is not a good thing. And the same way that you're having problems because you cosigned, if I cosigned for you, I'm signing up for the same set of problems. I'd rather do this, and I'd rather you find a way to do this in a way that there's no mistake attached to it. Got it. Yeah, but she's not going to accept that because she's already gone into travel agent for guilt trip modes, but- Oh my goodness, yeah, it's been so bad. Yeah. So let me ask you, how much parent plus loans did she take out in total? Do you have any idea? For me, all four of my siblings, probably around $200,000. Okay. And you said she's a doctor. She's a doctor, yeah. And what does she make? She probably makes around that, I would say around 160. Okay. So I'm going to gift her a total money makeover book from me and a year's subscription to the EveryDollar app and suggest that she decide starting today that she become financially responsible for the first time in her life, because what she did was very irresponsible. It was stupid. What she did was stupid. It was of good heart, and she was intending good things, and she was putting herself on the line for her children, which sounds like a good warrior princess, single mom. I appreciate all of that. But then to turn around and ask a 22 year old to help you buy a million dollar house, you ought to be ashamed of yourself, lady. Right. That's ridiculous. Okay. And as a dad of children that are grown, they're not children anymore, adults, generation two that are responsible, I would never do that to people that I love. And it's just wrong. Okay. So no, you don't get to buy a house because instead you chose Dr. Lady to go into debt to send your kids to school. I don't agree with your decision. I agree with your motives. Your motive was sweet and kind and noble, but your decision was stupid. And now you have to work your way out of stupid so you can buy a house. So for the next two years, you get to live on $60,000 and put $100,000 on $200,000 worth student loans for two years and they go away. Boom. And then you have a life instead of screwing up your own kid's life that you set out to help originally. Now you want to screw it up. So that's my message to her. You can play this for her. Quit guilt tripping your kids, suck it up buttercup and clean up your mess instead of dumping it on your 22 year old. Yeah, that's right. Now, I love you, mom. I'm happy for what you did, but that's my message to you from an old grandpa to a soon to be hopefully old grandma. And you clean up this mess and then you don't saddle your own children with this. And so here's what's going to happen though, Chris. Okay. She's not going to do any of that. Probably. And she's probably not going to accept your no. She's probably going to, you're going to feel blamed. She's going, she's going to blame you. She's going to be mean. She's going to be nasty. And you're, she's going to get her feelings hurt because boundaryless people, when you put up a boundary, always resist the boundary a hundred percent of the time. Well, and she's saddling her responsibility in the deal on you. Yeah. You didn't sign up for this. She did. You didn't ask her to, she did. So you're set free. My brother do not do this, whatever you do, but also do not expect it to come without consequences of her whining and rolling around in the floor, foaming at the mouth or whatever it is she's going to do. Okay. Right. And my siblings are also, it's like a whole family thing. I'll tell your siblings to bite it. You know, they don't get a vote anymore. You're like a free 22 year old man that gets to do what he wants to do with his life. You are not required to do this. And your siblings, by the way, are irresponsible to hello, which also nullifies their vote. But, and here's the other part of this, you're young. And the more that you establish your boundaries in this way, and the more that you draw a line in the sand and say, I'm not going to participate in behaviors that I know are stupid choices financially over time, the less you'll be pulled into that orbit of stupidity. Here's what you're saying. Here's the message you're delivering while you're doing this. And you didn't even mean to the unintended consequences. Your siblings wife now knows she can't call you for money, right? Because Chris has got one big answer. It's that it's that magic ancient word. It sets you free. No, no one, no one says the word anymore. It's ancient. It's a sound that has disappeared from our culture. You're not allowed to say it anymore, but I've taught people all the time, be defiant, not compliant. The answer is no. You press your tongue towards the roof of your mouth. You release, make a kissing motion. No, that's how it looks. How it sounds. That's an interesting word. We don't hear it much anymore. You're not allowed to say it to people because you're, you get, you get labeled all these things and you say, no, that's foolish. No, that's wrong. No, that violates my ethics and my values. No, I'm not going to do that. No, that's not helpful. No. At the end of this story, we'll all be pissed if we do this. So no, because that's what's going to happen. You're going to get married and have a kid, and you're not going to be able to buy a house because you're cosigned to your mother. Who's still going to be chained to parent plus loans and an $800,000 mortgage and can't get you off because she can't refinance it. And then probably the house is going to get run down and can't even get sold because she can't keep it up because this is a pattern, dude. This is what's, you know, there's nothing good going to come of this. Please endure the pain of everyone not liking your answer because 10 years from now, they'll be happy. You answered this way. The kids call it standing on business. Oh, there you go. Yes. Stand on business. All right, there we go. What's the, what's the one that Deloney says? He says, accept regret more than art. Oh boy. I'm not going to get it. Cause I can't make it come to my head either, but it's, but it's perfect for this. But anyway, we'll remember it later. Guilt over resentment. Guilt over resentment. You'll be resentful later. Choose guilt now versus resentful later. Create your free every dollar budget today. The simplest way to budget for your life.