10 Star Trek Toys That Sucked

If there's one thing we love here at Trek Culture, it's balance. Be that balance of terror or balance of love. And despair, I guess. We recently put out an article and a video on 10 Star Trek toys that we loved. And you know what? There's so many of them. I love Star Trek. I mean, you know me. You know me. I'm the collector, dude! That sounds so much cooler in my head. Anyway, as all things are, we must find balance. And therefore, I am Sean Ferrick for Trek Culture. And here are 10 Star Trek toys that sucked. Number 10, Spock's helmet. All right, now, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Before you throw that Molotov cocktail, I'm saying this one with love, okay? So this is on our Star Trek toys that we love list as well. Because it's so dumb that it's fun. I will not rest until I get my hands on one of these. That I can tell you right now. And it's a matter of time until one of them falls into mine or Ellie's hands. Having said that, I mean, it is a bit naff, innit? The main reason it turns up here as well is because imagine, right? It's Christmas morning. A kid bounds down the stairs and sees a box wrapped up underneath the tree. They tear over. They rip off the wrapping paper. And they see something with Star Trek emblazoned on the side of it. They can't wait. Then the quick and painful truth sets in. They got the Spock helmet. They're gonna have to wear it all day. They're gonna have to wear it at Christmas dinner because that's the rule. Any clothing or jewelry-related item gets worn at Christmas. No one knows what to say. Granny's looking at the plate. Granddad's standing looking at the window with his arms crossed behind his back, wondering where it all went wrong. The helmet may be a beloved item now, folks. But at what cost? At what cost? But at least Billips is happy. Number nine. Star Trek movie viewer. Before we really sink our teeth into this, there is positives on this one. First of all, though small, it did offer the first look at the Star Trek gold key comic. So points for that. The idea is quite cool. It was released with two film strips available with the initial kit. And this was while Star Trek was on the air. So that's cool too. Now that said, there are a few issues. For example, the packaging advertises that you'll be able to watch Star Trek clips, which actually wasn't true at all. Now, you might put a big, well, technically on this one, because it did include Star Trek comic clips, but nothing from the actual show. Secondly, while two strips were included with the viewer, the purchaser then had to send off and pay for more to be sent back to them. So this was an early Star Trek subscription service. Third, the way the design works and the way you had to feed the film strips in is that they'd only really become visible after the third or fourth cell. So you'd have to wind it several times back and forth just to be able to read the bloody thing. Overall, this toy wasn't dreadful by any means, nor was it particularly good. It sort of sits in that middle meh level, somewhere between binoculars and the metal detector. Number eight. Star Trek Climb Action Traction Mighty Mike Astro Train Gift Set. Here's the thing. The idea of a Star Trek train and railway set, I'm on board with. Think of it as a way to combine hobbies in a way not unlike the metal detector. But also, this was a tangible toy to play with. Now, it might not have been the Enterprise, but it was something. You know, at least... No. No, I'm sorry. This is pants. It wasn't, like, offensively pants. Far from it. But it was pants. Because what was this? Bar, you know, just someone got a train and slapped a Star Trek logo on it. I mean, I'm not... I'm not going to lie. It doesn't even particularly look like a train. It was one of those things that was trying to capture fans from all walks, satisfying none, confusing many. Now, it was clearly aimed at younger people to play with because it was pretty sturdy. But then why bother slapping Star Trek on it? You know, if it was being aimed at toddlers, they probably weren't sitting there watching episodes like The City on the Edge of Forever. The answer to these questions is lost in the eddies of temporal winds. For all we really know, this is the Star Trek train set that, if somebody were looking for a Star Trek train, this might scare them away from railways altogether. Well, I mean, it's not such a bad idea, really, to stop playing around railways, is it? Number seven. Star Trek Tracer Gun. In 1966, Grand Toys came along with what is one of the earliest recorded tie-in pieces of merchandise with the franchise. Now, as this is so early in the history of merchandise for Star Trek, it's easy to give this one a bit of a pass. Think about it. Kids had something they could play with, and it had the Star Trek logo on it. Happy days. Then you've got the dawning realisation of what it is they're playing with. It was a gun. Now, no, no, not a phaser. It was a gun. See, it's not even one of the cool water pistols that would come along later on. This was a gun that fired out penny-sized discs that were ready to lodge up the left nostril of the nearest unsuspecting toddler. Now, Star Trek did feature guns from time to time. Episodes like Tomorrow is Yesterday and A Piece of the Action did see guns, but you will note that neither of those episodes depicted kids shooting each other with coins. In a time when the audience didn't really have many toys with Star Trek on the logo to play with, you can imagine lots of people running out to collect these things. You can also imagine the glee of the doctors as they started to reap in the financial rewards of the inevitable trip to the A&E wards afterwards. Number six, Star Trek Metal Detection Probe. Why? The genesis of this toy takes a little bit of mental gymnastics to understand. In 1841, the instrument that would become known as the metal detector was invented by Professor Heinrich Wilhelm Dove. It effectively worked by giving the professor a shock when a piece of metal was placed into a chamber connected to one of the detector's coils. The absolute perfect Christmas gift ever! All right, hardly. Yet over the century and a half since then, metal detection has become a legitimate hobby for quite a lot of people. It's also been refined to such an art that several states in America have in fact banned the use of metal detectors. So, slapping a Star Trek logo on one of these seems like a strange merchandising decision. There's nothing particularly Star Trek about this bar the logo. Now, if it did help inspire, you know, Geordi's visor down the line, then maybe we'll give it props for that. But frankly, that's a reach. Having said that, there's surely an image of someone somewhere using this metal detector wearing Spock's helmet. That's a cosplay idea. Number five, Star Trek Binoculars. Now, to be clear here, I have nothing against Star Trek-labeled tools, okay? It actually might be a little bit cooler even sitting in the workshop, you know, with the Star Trek label all over everything, the way you can, you know, combining hobbies. That, totally on board with. In this case, it's not the fact that there was Star Trek logos placed on binoculars that's the issue. It's the fact that it was the cheapest, most rubbish-looking little plastic things you could ever imagine. Think of Star Trek V, The Final Frontier. That showed us some pretty cool futuristic-looking binoculars. They wouldn't have been out of place in your average Star Wars movie either. So the idea of tie-in binoculars is actually something that's quite exciting. The main issue with these ones is that they look like they'll break the second you take them out of the packet. Or possibly while they're still in the packet. Or possibly while they're still on the shelf. But I mean, hey, they're the same colour as the Enterprise, so we'll give them points for that. Number four, Burger King Star Trek Admirals Hoverbike. While Star Trek 2009 might get a mixed reputation from various sections of Trekkies, some love it, some hate it, I think everyone can agree on the same thing. That the Admirals Hoverbike is easily the coolest part of the film. But what's that? You don't remember it? Yeah, neither do we. Now there is of course the police bike that follows a young James Tiberius Kirk as he's stealing his uncle's car and drives it off a cliff but then he jumps out of the car because... reasons. And this policeman pulls up beside Kirk and that hoverbike looks similar to what Burger King were offering. So okay, let's give them that. If one is a hoverbike enthusiast, then maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this is the best toy that was ever created to tie in with Star Trek and would send flocks of enthusiasts running to Burger King to make sure that they picked up this toy. Stranger things have actually happened. For myself, I can just say this, I was going to eat at home that day. Credit where credit is due, this ray gun actually was the exact same colour scheme of the original Enterprise. And my friends, that is where the tie-in to Star Trek ends. Let's break this one down. This is another case of slapping the Star Trek logo on something to get higher toy sales, but, you know, if we believe Lily Sloan, her first ray gun was shown in 2063. But if the packaging of this is to be believed, kids have been firing ray guns with Star Trek on them since 1968. It may be a bit cynical to hoist this property's name onto this toy, but, I mean, the marketing gods have sometimes proven that just adding a name is enough to boost sales. Did it work? Well, had you ever heard of it before? I hadn't. Maybe this is a case where the marketing gods were slightly less divine and more running out of ideas, having their third Chinese takeaway of the night and going, I'll just stick it on a ray gun. Audience members of a certain age will surely remember Much like Thunderbirds and Captain Scarlet, this show, made with puppets, showed a series of heroes piloting their submarine into the watery depths to fight baddies who clearly took Piscine inspiration. Now, these baddies were quite an unnerving image and they were a little scary for kids at the time. If you caught yourself wondering, uh-huh, and what does this have to do with Star Trek? Then, my friend, what a very good question that is. This is a fish head that someone has slapped a Star Trek logo on. You know, if they'd even done in partnership with Stingray, there's nothing about this design that suggests it's space worthy by any account. I mean, frankly, the design doesn't even look seaworthy either. So really, land? Maybe it's for the landing party. Now, this is a far more egregious example than Spock's helmet. The style, the suave, the pizzazz of Spock's helmet is entirely missing here. What you have is a terrifying and nascent reminder that from the oceans, humanity evolved and if we are to believe threshold, it is to the oceans we shall return. Probably by wearing these helmets. Number one, the starship is landing. Though there are several runners for the worst piece of tie-in merchandising, you know, there's lots of examples, for me, it's the 2022 campaign, The Starship is Landing, that cinches it here. Now, maybe including it on a list of toys that sucked is a bit of a stretch, but it just beggars the question, who came up with this? Who approved it? Who sent it off to marketing? The outcry was swift and quite frankly, there was a lot of irate fans out there wondering, did you not hire someone who'd watched Star Trek before you came up with this, no? Clearly, this has nothing to do with the franchise and so this feels like a very cynical piece of marketing. Now, the reason we're singling this out as our number one is that with that knowledge, it's quite a surprise that it is still very much available for purchase over on the official website. And you heard me correctly, official website. This isn't a piece of tie-in merchandise with the Star Trek logo slapped on. This was done by the rights owners. But don't take my word for it. If this is your favourite thing ever, go and pick up a Starship is Landing hoodie because you never know, it could end up being the Spock's helmet of the 2050s. Thank you so much everyone for watching along with this list and I hope you enjoyed it. And if you needed pick me up and a cheer me up, go check out this toys we loved list as well. I have been Sean Ferrick for Trek Culture. You can catch me at Sean Ferrick on the various socials. Don't forget to follow Trek Culture as well We will turn up. You look after yourself until I'm talking to you again. You are awesome. You are wonderful. Make sure that you live long and prosper. You deserve only the best. So treat yourself that way. Thanks very much folks.