The Aunt Who Always Ends Up In The Hospital | Susan Rice

I'll tell you something, I'm the auntie that everybody remembers did the stupid things on the vacation. You know, they ended up in the hospital or ended up at the ER. You know, this guy, or I hurt one of the kids somehow without, you know. And no matter how much you get together in family, if you're that person, that's all they want to talk about. They all, remember that time? You know, yeah, I remember it. I wish you would just not. And so we went to Bend about 20 years ago. And that's where my family is this weekend, they're over in Bend, Oregon. And about 20, 25 years ago we went over there, the kids were little, and I wanted to be the fun aunt. So they said, we're going to go horseback riding. Okay. And so I was a good aunt. Everybody got on their horses and then they brought mine out, and I'm not lying. This should have been pulling a plow and a truck. It was the biggest horse I've ever seen in my life. The Clydesdales look small compared to this horse. And I'm standing there, and this is my horse, okay, this is my horse. And then the genius, the stirrup's up here. The stirrup is right here. And the guy goes, just put your foot up there. And you just bounce a couple times. And you throw your leg over. I'd get my leg up there, I wouldn't be riding a horse. I'd be a trucker's wife. So I turned to this mental genius, and I said, I'm going to need some help. I am not lying. Six guys. It took six guys. We had three on one side pulling and three more on the other side pushing and shoving. And that hasn't happened since high school. High school, did you get it? Anyway, so I had to get on the float. Anyway, so now they got me on this thing. And when I say this is a big horse, this horse has also been eating for about nine years without moving. It was as wide as it was tall. And I'm not. I got a three-inch inseam. And so I got on this damn horse, and I go, what do I do with my legs? He goes, just wrap. I can't bend my knees. I look like Barbie Mountain King, 1958. Unbelievable. And then one of my nieces thought it would be funny, so she slapped the back of the horse. And we started to drive. Had an earring in the tail. And I got drunk for like 350 feet like my tits can rototill. She says, no, I don't want to go on a family vacation. Thank you very much. I love my nieces. I love them, though. They keep me young. They try to keep me young. During COVID, they drove me crazy. They were afraid I was going to be lonely, you guys. I've lived alone forever. Don't bother me. I got ---- to do. This is the same day. Did some different stuff. It's not a problem for me. And they kept calling me up going, are you lonely? No, I'm not lonely. Leave me alone. All of a sudden, I started getting emails from YouTube that I'm taking a macrame class. Do you know what macrame is? You tie ---- together and hang your dignity from it. I'm telling you. If you have a grandparent, they've given up. Do you understand? They've just given up. It's what we used to do with shag carpeting when we were stoned in the 70s. That's good right there. I like that one. Honest to God. Here's the worst one. They signed me up for Silver Singles. Do you all know what Silver Singles is? It's a dating app for old people. Now, they did it during COVID because they knew I wouldn't ever go on a date. So I wouldn't have to see the people. I said, first of all, I was so mad. I started getting emails from desperate old gentlemen. I was reading them, and I felt bad because I didn't know if the guy liked me or he just had a tremor and swiped right. You know what I'm saying? That deserves so much more than you gave me on that one. I'm just going to tell you about that. So now, I call my oldest niece. I have four nieces. At this time, she was 48. I had two 46s and a 32. Sounds like a bra drawer, doesn't it? Anyway, so I called my oldest niece. I go, what the hell did you do? She goes, oh, are you getting emails? I go, yeah, what did you think? I said, what picture did you use? She says, Suze, honestly, don't be mad. Don't you want to get married? No. Nobody gets married for the first time at 70. No. Not unless there's a verified pension and a diagnosis. You just don't do it. And then I said, honey, you get married when you're young, and you have your whole life ahead of you, and you have all these dreams and aspirations, and you have somebody to share all that with, and then you grow old together, and you blame them for the ---- you didn't get to do, and that's growing old. That's marriage. I said, you know, at 70, I am not bringing much to the table. Maybe the smell of CBD oil and Altoids, that's pretty much it. You know, they try so hard, though. They do try hard. My birthday last year, they got me a gift card for a tattoo. You know I'm coming to you. Now, you have beautiful tattoos on your arms and wherever I can see. And that's your generation. I understand that. Did you design those? You came up with a design. You found something that could match your concept. This gift card's for $100. So they're cheap bitches on top of that. They're driving me crazy. I haven't had it. They want me to give it back to them. I'm going to give it to the guy living down the end of my block. Honest to God, I'm not going to give back to them. What are you going to have done? Well, I don't know what I'm going to have done. Maybe I'll have my upper lip put back on my ******* face.