Why You’re Stuck in a Victim Loop (And How to Get Out)

Hi everyone, Dr. Nicole LaPera, The Holistic Psychologist here. Today, I'm going to talk about how victim mindset is created, some signs that you might be stuck in victim mindset, and then of course, how to actually break free from it. Now, first of all, victim mindset doesn't come from nowhere, and this is really important to understand. We don't wake up one day and find ourself wallowing in self-pity or believing that we're wrong in every situation. Victim mindset actually does come from events and circumstances where we were a victim. It comes from situations where we didn't have the capacity to cope. We didn't have people to support us and we were left feeling hopeless and often shut down. Victim mindset can also be a set of beliefs and thoughts that were passed down generationally. So for example, let's take two different people. Tom was born into a family with victim mindset. His parents both see the negative in everything. They don't show any gratitude and they often complain about how people are conspiring against them. Ultimately, they believe that life's unfair to them and that they have little control over their circumstances. Now let's take Jill. Jill is born into a family with an opportunity mindset. Her parents have gratitude. They can see the positive and they can take accountability for their role in situations. They self reflect often and they feel like their choices lead to specific outcomes, which gives them more feelings of control around their circumstances. Now the reality is how our families think and speak sets a framework for the way we think and for how we see the world. So there's a lot of this type of thinking that can be passed down to us. And the reality of it is a lot of us aren't even aware that we're in a cycle of a victim mindset because it's just so normal for us. But the powerful part of this is that anytime, any age we can end this pattern and we can become more empowered in our daily life. So here are five signs that you might be stuck in a victim mindset. The first sign is that almost every experience is negative. Negativity is a core sign of the victim mindset. You might find yourself saying things like, I'm so unlucky or good things never happened to me. And even spend a lot of time thinking about how other people have it better than you. The second sign of a victim mindset is that everything feels incredibly difficult. Now of course life can be hard. That's real, but you end up feeling like you're going against the current all of the time. It can feel hard to make friends, have conversations, rest, or even choose what you want to do. You wake up and the first thing you think about is how this day is going to be awful. Just like all the other ones. The third sign of a victim mindset is that letting go feels like a struggle. You find yourself replaying things that people have said or done to you, sometimes for years. And when your mind is quiet, it automatically returns to old hurts instead of imagining the future or focusing on where you want your energy to go. You might find yourself holding deep grudges or struggle to move forward until someone apologizes or gives you closure. The fourth sign that you might be stuck in victim mindset is that anger becomes your default. Now anger is a natural and healthy emotion, but it can begin to consume you. You might become very sarcastic, spend a lot of times gossiping or even find yourself feeling resentful when someone else is doing well. So much of your energy goes towards stewing and ruminating instead of moving yourself forward. And the fifth sign that you might be stuck in victim mindset is that your self worth is low. You believe that your life isn't worth much or that there's no point in even trying. You might end up neglecting your health, sabotaging relationships or making self deprecating jokes at your own expense. Overall, you struggle to see yourself as someone worthy of care, love, or a better future. Now personally, I know that I've spent so much of my life stuck in victim mindset and I didn't even realize this until I was older. I lived in a family with a lot of sarcasm, a lot of ruminating or worrying about things that could go wrong and not a lot of gratitude or recognition or appreciation when things go right. Now I'm sure a lot of you can relate to this. And the problem though is when we're stuck in victim mindset, we can keep ourselves stuck and we can end up selling ourselves short. We end up thinking that we're the ones being wronged, but often we're actually playing a role in situations. And when we admit or acknowledge that we can live such a better life. Here's how you can begin to break free from victim mindset. Step one, you want to do an inventory of who you're around. Now all of us are around people who sometimes struggle with accountability or who don't change things even when they know they should. But if you're around someone who's really critical or who keeps you locked within victim mindset because they're always stuck in it, it's time to set some boundaries because who we surround ourselves with deeply impacts how we think. One of the quickest ways to get out of victim mindset is to start watching YouTube videos or joining groups with people who have abundant thinking or who believe that you do have control within your own life. Think about if you go out to eat with a friend who's complaining about their work, their partner, and just going on and on venting about issues. Afterward, you probably feel heavy and maybe even tired. Then think about going out to eat with someone who's interesting, talking about the plans that they have or the new business that they're starting. You probably feel light and relaxed, maybe even inspired afterward. Start to think about being around people who think differently and you'll also begin to think differently. The second step to breaking out of victim mindset is you want to begin to make and to keep small promises to yourself. Now I talk about this all of the time because it's such a big deal. To break free of victim mindset, you want to start the process of building up your self-confidence. To build self-confidence, you want to start to trust your own word, which means that you're going to make small promises that you know without a doubt you can keep. My first small promise to myself years ago now was a short journaling practice every morning. I did it for about five to 10 minutes every day, no matter what, no matter how much I didn't want to. You want your small promise to be under 10 minutes, maybe even five minutes, and you only want it to be one thing. The more you show yourself that you can keep your own word, the more your mind is going to open to the reality that you have actually more choices in your day than you are aware of and that you can begin to make healthy, positive choices for yourself. Now that is the difference between becoming someone stuck in victim mindset and someone who is not. The third step to breaking free from victim mindset is start a gratitude list. Gratitude does not come naturally to people stuck in victim mindset. And the secret to having gratitude is to begin to notice small good things. And the truth is our brain is not programmed to notice good things. It's actually programmed to notice danger and negative things far more than we notice good things. That's to keep us safe. But with a gratitude list, you're going to take some time, take a few seconds, maybe in a couple times a day to simply notice things that you're grateful for. Maybe it's going outside and feeling the sun on your skin and feeling grateful for just how good that feels. Or maybe you notice a really beautiful view on a walk or a car ride. You can feel gratitude for where you live. Or maybe you have a really relaxed day at work where you didn't feel stressed or overwhelmed. You could be grateful for a calm, productive day. The more we train our brain to see and find things to be grateful for, the less we keep ourselves stuck in victim mindset because you're actually teaching your brain that good things are always happening. And if you notice them, even more good things you will notice too. Life is truly a reflection of what we feel. And the quickest way to feel better is to be grateful for what is here instead of focusing on what isn't. The fourth step to break free of victim mindset is to practice focusing outside of yourself. One thing you'll notice about people that are stuck in victim mindset is that they're extremely focused on themselves, on their problems and their own lives. Sometimes they don't even ask about you or seem to have any curiosity about how you feel. Victim mindset is really a form of extreme self focus. So what we want to do is practice putting that focus outside of ourselves. And the best way to do that is through volunteering. You can stop by a nursing home, walk a dog at a shelter, volunteer with kids, ask a family going through a hard time if you can cook them dinner for them, or even volunteering for a community cleanup. The thing about giving to other people is that you realize that other people are struggling too. And then you also get to realize how good it feels to help others. It gets us out of our thinking mind and it makes us feel like we're a part of something bigger, which is so huge when it comes to victim mindset. Instead of feeling alone and helpless, we can help ourself feel connected and empowered. And the fifth step of breaking free from victim mindset is to heal the root cause. There's a truth about victim mindset that so many people skip over. And that is that many people that have victim mindset were actually victims at one time. You might've been a victim of emotional neglect. You might've been bullied or abandoned by a parent when you needed them most. You might've been a victim of physical or sexual violence. And ultimately the younger version of yourself needs love, needs connection, needs safety, needs compassion. So instead of being hard on yourself and telling yourself just to get over whatever it is that happened or didn't happen, you want to practice being kind and caring to yourself. Maybe even taking some time to write a letter to your younger self, telling them that you're so sorry that they had to go through whatever they went through, but that now you're on a new path. I know this sounds super cliche, super simple, but this really can work. So I encourage you all to take some moments to honor the self that went through something difficult and to show up in support. Before we end, I want to leave you with one more thing. In my opinion, some of the most inspiring people in this world are people who understand that life isn't fair. It's painful that there is suffering. There are people who understand that we all come from different circumstances. We all have different trauma. And in reality, we actually can't control everything that happens to us. Some of us experienced the most painful, brutal life experiences. And inspiring people understand that even through them, we can be resilient. We can rise above anything that happens to us. People who are inspiring, don't wallow or endlessly vent. Instead, they look at things as they are. And they say, okay, this is hard and I can do hard things. They begin to look for solutions instead of complaining. They ask themselves, what can I control right now? And remember, the victim mindset isn't who you are. Underneath it is a part of you that can heal, that can grow, and that can create a life with more confidence and freedom. As you practice those steps, you'll begin changing the way that you experience life. And as always, I'd love to hear from those of you that are listening. When you were growing up, was your family more focused on problems or possibilities? And what's one thing today that you can feel generally grateful for no matter how small? Leave it in the comments below. And as always, thank you for tuning in.