Some People Are Better Drunk | Mark Normand

I hate the small talk. Two things I can't do. Small talk and eye contact. How sad is that, you know? I basically have all the traits of a serial killer, just without the ambition. I'm working on it. People always say, Mark, gotta be more confident. They say, Mark, gotta be yourself. I'm like, well, you gotta pick one. I can't do both of those. Like, a lot of people are scared of skydiving. I'm more scared of the banter on the plane than I am jumping out of it, you know? You sit in the plane, it's all windy, you're strapped in. Some guy's like, so Mark, where are you from? I'm just like, we're supposed to go together. I got it. At least with skydiving, you get an instructor. What about stuff I'm bad at? Stuff I'm nervous about, like a dinner party. You know how many dinner parties I've screwed up? Set me up with a pro, all right? I just show up, some guy's like, all right, I'll take care of you. I'm like, ah, beautiful. He's giving me tips. Don't say the N-word. Got it. All right. She's not pregnant, don't ask. Thank God you're here. Some guy at the party's like, so who's your favorite comic? I'm like, Bill Cosby. He's like, pull the chute. I'm working on it. I had a chatty Uber driver last week. That's the worst, huh? This guy wouldn't shut up. I forgot that the no small talk option on the app, so I'd get creative. I'd scare the guy into being quiet. He's like, how about this traffic, huh? What do you think's causing this? I'm like, probably the Jews. He's like, I'm like, all right, I give this ride five stars of David. Yeah, I'm working on it, you know? Always trying to get better. I'm a weirdo. That's why I drink. Big fan of the booze. I got to cut back. I actually got let go from a job once for being drunk at work. My boss called me and he goes, get in here, Mark. It's clear you're a high functioning alcoholic. I was like, wow. How do you know I was also high? This guy is good. One of my friends is like a beer expert. You know, he's like, we got to go to a brewery. I'm like, why can't we just go to a bar? He's like, it's fine. You can see how it's made. I don't care how it's made. Look, I like porn. I don't need to go to a broken home. Not saying all porns aren't broken home, just the ones I like. Seems like a lot of people are quitting the booze now. It's kind of going away. All my friends are getting sober. And look, that's good. But some people are better when they're drinking. There's a lot of bad sobers out there, you know? We always start with the negative part about booze. What about the good? Like, sure, you drove through a playground, but you could dance, man. Come on. Trying to get better. I'm in therapy. Anybody else? Hey, there you go. A couple of people. Yeah, doing this thing called exposure therapy. That's where you face your fears. Scared of heights, takes a hot air balloon. Scared of drowning, takes you in the ocean. So he said, what are you scared of, Mark? I said, well, I'm claustrophobic and scared of intimacy. So he took me in a little closet and fucked me. That was very expensive. Yeah. Why the stigma with therapy? Why? All my friends make fun of me. I think it should be mandatory. Everybody works out their muscles. Why not work out your emotions? I'll be hanging out with a friend. He's like, all right, man, take it easy. I'm going to go work on arms and back. I'm like, cool. I'm going to go work on letting go of the past and accepting love. Everybody loves the gym. Ooh, the gym makes me feel sexy. Well, you know what else is sexy? Not being a walking red flag. Nobody cares about your abs if you're the guy having a meltdown at Chili's. I think people respect the gym because there's a culture behind it. You know, like gym rats. They have t-shirts that say beast mode and better sore than sorry. Therapy people, we need t-shirts. We need a shirt says no dad. No problem. All right. I like can't stop. Won't stop crying. I could have used some therapy as a kid. Weird kid. Bed wetter. Oh, yeah. I wet the bed every day. I was 13 years old. My mattress looked like a goddamn coffee filter. I ruined a lot of sleepovers, folks. Yeah. You start to run out of excuses after a while. Now your friend's like, what happened here? I was like, geez, I must have spilled a cup of piss. Yeah. They say a lot of bedwetters become serial killers, which I believe because we learn how to clean up a stain pretty quick. That's how embarrassing it is wetting the bed. I almost rather be known as a murderer than a bed wetter. You know, your friend sits on your mattress. Why is it all crinkly? I'm going to kill you. But hey, growing up now, 36 years old, I grew up before the Internet. Maybe a better time for a kid. Maybe a question back then. Hey, mom, what's the capital of South Dakota? She's like, I'm on the phone. And you just didn't know. What a concept. Not knowing. Now we have so much information right there. Now I have an Alexa. I love this thing. And Alexa is like a mom without the passive aggressiveness. Ask anything you want. Hey, Alexa, how many cups in a liter? 4.23 cups. All right. If I'm like, hey, mom, how many cups in a liter? She's like, why don't you check your mattress? Zing. That Alexa's tricky. I read an article recently. It said Alexa actually listens to everything you say, stores it in a database, could use it against you later. It's like, damn, just like a real woman. Now I'm all nervous. Like, hey, Alexa, what's the weather out there? She's like, why don't you ask Siri? Oh, boy. Here we go. Yeah, it's got to be hard to be a kid now. I feel bad for kids. So much stimulus coming to kids. iPhone, Internet, social media. Remember how happy-go-lucky we were as kids? Not a care in the world. Maybe run to the car. Shotgun. That was like the biggest problem in my life. Shotgun. Yeah, I never see kids doing that anymore. The only time a kid yells it out now is in a classroom. Oh, school shootings. What a bummer, huh? Ah, the great American past time. Yeah. School shootings are like the menstruation of America. Happens about once a month. It's bloody. And every kid goes, well, I guess it's my turn now. Oh, I know. They're bad. I like how they're blaming the video games. Video games cause violence. Come on. Video games don't cause violence. Video games cause carpal tunnel and vaginal dryness. I know a lot of guys that play eight hours of video games a day. Their girlfriends are like, violent. Slap my ass. Choke me. I'm dying here. Look, I don't think games translate to real life. I grew up playing Monopoly with my friends. None of them now own property. To be fair, some did go directly to jail. Yeah. That's, uh, we got problems here, you know? Like, I just got back from Europe. They really make fun of us over there. That's like all they do. Oh, you Americans, you're so fat. I'm like, hey, yeah, we're doing great. Why is that a bad thing, how fat we are? I think it's cool. It's like impressive. More people die in America of obesity and starvation, which is like, hey, we did it. How cool are we? We're dying from eating food. We go up to heaven. Some guy's like, I starved to death. What happened to you? We're like, snacks. Yeah. The McRib is back. What do you want? How'd you lose your foot? Frostbite? Nah, frosting. Yeah, we're fat. We're so high up on the food chain. One of my friends, he only eats grass-fed beef. You realize how crazy that is? That means he gets to pick what he eats, eats. That's pretty good. And here's the weird thing. Cows eat grass. That's how much we mess with our food. When something eats what it's supposed to, we brag about it. That's like saying, hey, you know, my four-year-old is sober. Get the hell out of here. Father of the year over here. Yeah, we're fat. All my friends are fat, mostly. My family's fat. I grew up pretty fat. I try not to make fun of fat people unless they make fun of me. That's when I let it go. All my fat friends give me ----. One of my fat friends told me I have skinny privilege. Privilege? Something can't be a privilege if you could do it too. I've known you my whole life. You used to be thin. Privileges can't be attained by exercising. If that were the case, then black people would take a jazzercise class. They wouldn't get pulled over. It'd be that simple. He always condescends to me. Oh, you're so lucky you're thin. Lucky? You got to work at it. It's hard. What the hell? You got to eat right. It sucks. Saying you're so lucky you're thin is like saying you're so lucky you have kids. No, no, I had food and I pulled out. He's like, whatever. It's easy being skinny. Well, not really. You couldn't do it.