The TRUTH About The First Kiss Vibe | Iliza Shlesinger Comedy

Girls love fall. I don't know if you know that. All girls are required to love fall. Yeah, required. When we applied to be girls, went to the girl counter and they hold your girl card up and they go, what's your favorite season? And you go, it's fall mother ******. And they're like, alright. Here's your girl card, here's your uggs, here's your glitter. Go have fun, be insecure. Girls love fall so much. I've been planning this fall since July. Of like two years ago. We ******* get into fall. You don't even have to tell girls when it's fall. We know. We sense it. Alright, we get into it. The second it turns fall, the second a leaf falls somewhere in like Connecticut, we feel it. Sitting at home watching TV, outside the temperature drops from like 86 to 63. We pop out of the ground like gophers. We sense that fall is here. Watching TV, fall comes, we're just like Did you feel that? I did, it was a breeze. **** yeah, cinnamon, nutmeg, cloves, pumpkin, everything. Eat the pumpkin. Let's plan fall ----. You go over to your boyfriend, you drag your boyfriend by the teeth. Let's go, we're doing fall ----, we're going apple picking. Babe, there's no apple orchards in Los Angeles. Fine, I'm going to the grocery store, I'm going to throw apples at children. Something. We go on Pinterest, we start pinning fall ideas, leaves, that's a fun thing we like to **** with. Every year the leaves change color and we lose our ----. Did you see the leaves? Last week they were green and now they're not brown. They're ******* dead, you sicko. They're ******* dead and you're doing crap with their corpses. You have no respect for nature. That was a thing you monster. We talk about it. What are you going to do with your dead leaves? I'm going to make a pile on the front lawn so the kids can play in the death. What are you going to do? With your dead leaves, I'm going to make a wreath on the front door as a warning to other dead leaves not to **** with me. Did you just eat a leaf? I did. Pin, pin, pin. We love Pinterest. All girls love Pinterest. Girls? Yes. Pinterest. Porn for white women. We love it. We love planting things on Pinterest. A lot of girls plant their weddings on Pinterest. One of my girlfriends got married on Valentine's Day. And joking, I was like, oh my god, that's so fun. What was your theme? Dead serious. She was like, we did love boys under the stars. Under the sea. I was like, okay, it's a wedding, not a prom. Tell you what, Denver, if and when I get married, I'm going to get married the day after Valentine's Day and my theme is going to be 75% off chocolate. Because it's my day. Guys, any of you that are engaged, just know that your fiance has already planned your entire wedding on Pinterest, okay? She's planned your wedding, future vacations, your ******* funeral, man. It's on Pinterest. And we don't do it when you're looking. No, because if you saw how creepy we got with Pinterest, you wouldn't have us. We do it under the cloak of night. We wait. We get a pumpkin spice latte and we go in. And we log on to Pinterest. Gentlemen, just so you know, Pinterest for girls is like Call of Duty for guys. I got a ******* headset on. Talking ---- to 14-year-olds in Michigan. First person pinning pictures of Channing Tatum like, he's mine. Pin, pin, pin, pin, pin. We get into it. You get in these creative downward spirals of just pinning, pinning. Am I looking at porn? Pin, pin, pin, pin, pin. I'm not even sure at this point. Natural water birth. Why am I pinning that? Pin, pin, pin, pin, pin. Looking outside six hours, seven hours, 24 hours later. You open the mini blinds. It's sunny outside. Keep pinning for the glory. Ben! Come in here. I want to show you what I'm pinning for my wedding. Our wedding. Come in here. I want to show you. I have all these fun ideas. I think we should do a chocolate waterfall, but instead of chocolate, we should do bridesmaids tears. I think it's fair. It's only fair. I want to show this to you. Pin, pin. Come in here. Brian! Brian, give a ---- what your name is. I'm getting married. I want to show this to you. I like this. Do you like the pink napkins or the red napkins? I think there's a difference. I think there's a difference. There's a stress out. Do you think I'm pretty? I don't know. I don't know what the theme should be, okay? You know what the theme should be? That your mom's a bitch. That's what the theme should be. I want to do it anyway because I love you so much and it's going to be amazing. I'm going to be on all these ideas. We should do a swan do. We should do a dove do. We should do a swan made of doves. Babe, will you Google human centipede but for doves and see if we can sew them together ATM style. Yes, I know what ATM is. I've seen your porn. I love you anyway. I'm getting married before my sister. I want to show this to you. Yes, I'm wearing a diaper. I'm not getting up. I want to show this. It's going to be amazing. Is it cold outside? Super buzzed off of our drink. And he drove me home so now we're in front of my house, okay? So we're sitting in his car in front of my house. So this is where a kiss takes place. This is where a first kiss takes place. Now as a girl, you know when you put out the vibe that you want to kiss all night, okay? Men and women are wired differently. For the guy, men are putting out the vibe all the time. Right now. Lot of vibes. All the time. God, I hope she sees my wiener. The vibe is ever present with guys. You want this? What's up? You want this? Yeah? Anyone? Anyone? No? Little bit. What? You're calling the cops? Okay. See you on Facebook. Okay. For girls, we're very specific about when we put out the vibe. Can't just throw that ---- around. Gotta be specific about it. Every girl's got things that she does to throw out the vibe. Maybe touch your hair a little bit. That's funny. Maybe show off part of your body. Every girl's got that one body part she knows is better than any other girl, yeah? Maybe it's your form. Maybe all night you're like, ****, yeah. You want it? You wanna ****? It's weird? Okay. When a girl knows that a guy's a little vulnerable and into her, we become like an evil witch in Enchanted Forest, and the guy becomes the lost ingenue. We know. Let's say your girlfriend just broke up with you. Let's say you were cheated on. You're a little wounded. We appear out of nowhere. You're sitting there like, oh, I hope I find a girl. And we, out of nowhere, are just like, hello. Apple. Yes, I used to work in a pharmacy for myself. And we start saying things to you to lure you in like, yes, this way. Sports. I love sports. This way. Come this way. Oh, yes. What? What? A relationship? Not me. No, I just want to **** in perpetuity until you grow tired of me. This way. Yes. What's that? Your ex-girlfriend. Oh, she sounds like a bitch that I would love to fight with my shirt off. This way. This way to my gingerbread house. Yes. Yes. Come and nibble on the walls of my gingerbread house. What's that? Yes, it's a metaphor for my vagina. You're very clever. This way. This way. Said all the right things. Did all the right things. I knew we were going to have a mouth kiss. Now, for the guy, he has to decide how he wants to kiss the girl. Now, that's a tough role. It's just for guys to decide, okay? You have to decide how you're going to kiss a girl. Because if you kiss her too soft, you'll look like a big old puss. And if you kiss her too hard, charges will be filed. So you have to be careful. Now, in this interaction, the girl also has her part to play. There are only three places you can look when you're sitting in the passenger side of a vehicle. Only one of which is truly acceptable, okay? You cannot look right at him. That's too much eye contact. He might take it as a threat. He might bite your neck. We don't know what he'll do. Okay? We don't know. Plus, it's creepy. He's sitting there like, do I kiss this girl? I don't know. And you're just like... But you can't stare out your passenger side window because that's not enough eye contact. And you'll look like touched in the head, okay? He's sitting there looking at you like, do I kiss this girl? And you're just like... Side note, ladies, if his window does this, do not date him. Okay. So the girl only has one option. And that is to sort of look down and stare at her hands and all of a sudden become fascinated with her cuticle situation. That's amazing. I used to have feathers. That is so weird. And sort of monitor the impending kiss out of your periphery. And when he gets about halfway, you... You strike. Teeth first so you know that he knows you mean business. I've kissed like two guys. I think I know what I'm talking about. Okay. So I was all set. Blousey cow, palsy pan, ******* forearm, creepy witch. Like, I was all set. I knew we were gonna have a mouth kiss. And apparently he had a different plan. He had a cheek peck planned. I did not see that coming. So now I'm gonna show you what happens when a cheek peck meets the intention of a mouth kiss. This is me. And this is him. He's sitting here. Oh my god. Nail. I'm gonna nail him. Let's see the slow motion replay.