Meet the Fockers (2004): Nonstop Laughs | Best Scenes Compilation

You must do something! Baby's coming! Yeah, I know baby's coming. Miss, you have to stay calm and take deep breaths, okay? Myra! I need a doctor here right now! I'm working on it! You're not doctor? No, I'm a nurse. You're a man and you're a nurse? What kind of man is nurse? Look, folks, I'm a professional, okay? I know exactly what I'm doing, so just trust me, everything's gonna be fine, alright? Okay. Yeah. Yeah, you're fully dilated. Hey! I need that doctor right now! There are no free doctors. Nurse, you're gonna have to deliver that baby yourself. I can see a head! Holy ----. Check it out. We did it. We have a boy. Boy, you're my hero. I name a baby for you. Oh, you don't have to do that. I must. It's a Latvian tradition. We will name the baby... Ah, this is incredible. Isn't it? Yeah. Ooh, like a tank. Well, in these uncertain times, Greg, I opted for a Kevlar-reinforced hull with two-inch thick plexiglass windows, just like the ones they design on the Russian Widowmaker submarines. I want you to conduct a field test for us, Greg. I want you to demonstrate the impregnable outer skin of the coach. Throw it at the window. Oh, Jack, I'm not gonna throw a brick at your window. It's a simple demonstration. No, I'd really rather not. Throw the brick. Okay, Greg. Just... Hold your mic. All right. Don't worry. Your rental insurance should take care of it. Jack? It's for you, but I'm the one that gets the fuel. Honey, I'm in the mood for a chimichanga! Don't make a chimichanga! Hey there. No hard feelings, all right? Prince? What's that? What are you saying? Oh, wait a minute. What does this mean? I know what this means. Squeeze, squeeze, squeeze. Oh, poop. You gotta poop, right? Okay, good. Thank you for warning me. Everybody poops. Sometimes it hurts. It's okay. Just let it... Come out. What'd you do, ******? Nothing. He... I think he has to poop. Now, that's not the sign for poop. That's the sign for milk. This is the sign for poop. Oh, and what's the sign for sour milk? Because it tastes a little funky. That's because that's from Debbie's left breast, Greg. Ew. Fortunately, she pumped for a week to give us enough of a trip. Okay. Snack pack for little Jack. What are you doing there? Well, during the breastfeeding stage, Greg, infants can get very confused and upset when they're separated from their mothers. So I invented something to ease LJ's anxiety during child time. I call it the mannery gland. I had it made from an exact cast of Debbie's left bosom. Oh, yeah. Okay. It's been so effective, I'm thinking of getting it patented. Would you like to touch it? Uh, I wouldn't. Oh, come on. Feel how soft it is. I can... I can see how soft it is from here. No, feel it, Greg. It's very... It looks very... Yeah. Just feel the brush, Greg. Oh, what's a nipple? Just around here. Nipple is his. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's got a great... lifelike... Or what I would imagine Debbie's breast might... might actually feel like. Not that I... know. Oh, it seems very nice. Hey, Gaylord. What the heck is that contraption? I thought you guys were flying in tonight. I left you a message. I said we were driving down. Oh, I didn't get a message. You didn't leave a message. What are you talking about? I left you, like, five messages. Will you get over here and plant one on me? Hey. We're talking about messages. I've been waiting so long to see you. My best buddy. Good to see you. Come here. Come here. Oh, I missed you. Look. Is this not the most handsome young man you've ever seen in your life? They call him a young Jewish Mormon brando. Can you believe I conceived him with one testicle? Oh. No, really. It's true. I only have one because the other one never dropped. It's called an understanding testicle. It's not uncommon. But look at him. Imagine what he would have looked like if I had two. That's a good icebreaker. Whoa. There's the sexiest second grade teacher I've ever seen in my life. Oh, that was a good one. Gets her every time. Goosebumps. She loves it. I'm Dina Burns. It's so nice to meet you. It was a pleasure. It's all mine, emotionally. You've got to be the flower man. That's right. Jack Burns. I am his father. And I'm Bernard Parker, Gaylord's father. And we're all grown-ups here, and we shake hands like men. All right. Oh, we're just playing here. Give me some love. We're family now. What are you so shy about? Come here. Oh, wow. Look at those pecs. Wow. You're harder than sheetrock. Now, tell me the truth. Now, you've got to work out weights, right? I do various calisthenics and medicine ball training. I play bi-monthly football. Oh, footy-footy football. I was just practicing my capoeira. What? Oh, capoeira, yeah. The Brazilian martial art of dance fighting, yes. He knows what that is. Yeah. You know, I've been doing it for weeks. Really into it. Keeps me level. Because sometimes I get wound up so tight, I could just snap. You know what I mean? What is that? Is that a baby on board? That's a baby, yes. Yeah. Mm-hmm. It's all in the message. Hey, Moses, go ahead. Say hello to your future in-laws. Uh-oh. Hey. Oh, my. Yeah, and fix. Moses. All right. Moses. Shake him. Just shake him off. No, no, no. Don't shake. He likes to shake. Moses, get off. Don't worry. The pink part didn't get on you. Moses, get. Go. Get in your basket. Go. He's all caught. Who's this little guy? This is our grandson, Little Jack. Oh, little baby. How are you, Little Jack? Hey, Dad. Don't infantilize him. Just talk to him like a person. What are you talking about? He's a baby. I want to talk to him like he's a baby. He likes me. No cowboy hat this weekend. I'm coming in, all right? So stop doing what you're doing. Look, I was talking to him. Oh, no. Come on, man. You know what that cowboy hat on the door means. Can you please help me out here? What? We're just being ourselves. Mom, come. Mom, please. I think he's saying not to be ourselves. Yes. Be yourselves, but be yourselves in a way that's a little less than being your full selves. Okay? I don't understand this, honey. Why are you so afraid of this Jack? You've been kissing his ass ever since you got here. Mom, I'm not afraid of him, okay? That's not true. It is true. I can't believe you went duck hunting with him. Our people don't shoot dogs. Do me a favor. Just make Jack feel a little more comfortable here, okay? So you don't want us to be ourselves? No, I just don't want you to break his RV, Dad, and reveal that I had sex with Isabel, and play weird sex games that everybody can hear in the house. Mom, come. Mom, please. If you ask me, it wouldn't be so bad if your future in-laws heard this. Do me a favor. Just don't therapize the Burnses this weekend. At all. Okay? All I'm saying is a few minutes of concentrated work with him and Dina. She could get him to blow like Krakatoa. Right. Okay. Yeah. You know what? One day. Just give me one day, okay? Without any complications. We get through it. Everybody goes off. We go on with our lives. Can we do that? Alright. You gotta do. Thank you. Okay? Hon? Yeah? Put the hat back on the door, okay? No, Mom. No cowboy hat this weekend. Okay, but tonight doesn't count. Morning, partner. Morning. Sleep okay? I slept alright, thank you. It's nice all of us being here together, don't you think? Don't do any talking. Don't shush me. I'm a lawyer. I'm not shushing you. Just don't. Do you know how many tickets I've talked myself out of? Oh, wow. Will you look at this, Lance? Don't they have hypercoils? Screwed. No, we're not. Don't. Dad, he said to remain in the vehicle. Sir, I said to remain in your vehicle. I just want to talk to you for one second. I have given you a lawful order. Now, let's just talk like friendly Floridians, okay? If you fail to comply, I will arrest you. You see, my son's future father-in-law, thinks like Gabe back there, has a bastard son. I said shut it. Shut it. I know my civil rights now. You know your rights, huh? Whoa! Oh. I have sensitive wrists. Excuse me. Sir, return to your vehicle. Okay, I don't know what he said, but you can't take him seriously. Alright, that's it. On your belly. On my belly? You got a hearing problem, freak? No, I'm just trying to say... Hey! Now we got two failures to comply. Now, I need the two of you to remain on the vehicle.