Cheese Curds Can Do What God Can't | Kelsey Cook

I did so much dumb, drunk ---- in college. At one point, my friends and I went to Vegas. I got hammered, ate a bunch of food, passed out, woke up the next morning, went to the pool, and when I looked down, there was like white, powdery stuff in my belly button. And I was like, oh God, did I do Coke for the first time last night? And so I touched it, and I tasted it, and I was like, oh, Parmesan cheese. My friends told me that apparently I ate seven slices of pizza, like a wild boar. And in the process, just dumped a loose quarter cup of Parm down my shirt, and then let it collect in my belly button, like some sort of Pizza Hut stripper. So, made some really good choices in my life. I do think I made an actual good choice recently. I just quit being vegan after a year and a half of doing it. Back in these meat streets. Oh, man, does it feel good to have friends again? Yeah, no one wants you around. My ex-husband and I, we went vegan together on January 1st, 2020, and then two months later, we were divorced. Am I saying that veganism ruins marriages? Yeah, I am, I am. But if we kept on eating nachos, we would've been too happy and too sleepy to notice our problems. There's not a lot of divorce in the Midwest. People think it's religion. It's cheese curds. Cheese can do what God can't. A couple hasn't had sex in 20 years, but they eat a cheese curd and go, you know what? One more day. I'll think about divorce tomorrow, but right now, I'm gonna face **** this cheddar. I'm gonna get lost in this plate. So, I just saw something online that burned my eyes. I just found out that I'm on WikiFeet. Does anybody here know what WikiFeet is? A few of you nodding. A lot of dudes that are like, don't make eye contact with me right now. If you don't know what WikiFeet is, it's a website for people with foot fetishes. So, women, if you post a photo on Instagram that shows your little tootsies, the foot folks might do a copy and paste onto WikiFeet and then zoom in on your toes and make their keyboard sticky. It's like scrapbooking for men who need Jesus. It's a nice hobby. I know that sounds like I'm king shaming. I'm really not trying to. Honestly, I am so jealous that some people can get off from that. I wish I could just stare at a dude's hairy kneecap and get tingles in my basement. What a life. I would live on WikiKnees. Oh, I would get nothing done. So much harder than that. So somebody told me that there's this profile of me on WikiFeet, and at first when I heard that, I was like, oh, does that mean I have hot feet? I'm so flattered. Then I went and looked. I saw that the foot fetish community has rated my feet only 2.3 out of five stars, which they call okay feet. I was like, oh, apparently I have Applebee's feet. It's like, you'll put it in your mouth, but you won't tell anybody about it. Kind of a two for Tuesday deal. And a few months before the pandemic hit, some dude slid into my DMs and just said, two grand for foot vid. Now, Denver, make some noise if you would send a video of your feet to a stranger for $2,000. Godless animals, all of ya. My ears, Jesus. Some of you just throw your areola up on Facebook for a dollar. Aunts and uncles seeing it, you don't give a ----. And you're like, Venmo me my dollar, Aunt Sherry. I earned this. This is a solid nip. Well, I appreciate your honesty. I wasn't quite as sure about it as all of you were. I was like, I don't know this guy. He's gonna have a video of my feet for the rest of his life. It's too weird. I'm not doing it. But then COVID hit and I lost all my comedy work. So two days later, I wrote him back. I got desperate so fast. I was like, all right, man. Two grand for my feet. I'm ready. Let's do it. And he never responded. I got ghosted by the foot guy. Do you know how humiliating it feels to lower your morals and your values only to have a foot guy be like, nah, I'm good now. You're like, what? What happened? It's like the smelly kid coming up to you at prom and you're like, all right, fine. One dance. And he's like, I was just gonna ask you where the bathroom is. You're like, **** you, Travis. Get out of here. Just trying to be nice. I love my mom so much. She's amazing. But she's been trying to give me career advice and none of it's helpful. She doesn't understand that there are different levels of fame in comedy. She thinks that all comics are best friends. She'll be like, why don't you call Jerry Seinfeld and ask to do comedians in cars getting coffee? I'm like, mom, I can't even get a guy to jerk off to my feet. Let's lower expectations. Like this is where my career is at. I have a foosball web series on YouTube, okay? I'm like here. When my mom heard that, she goes, you know who I bet would love to do your YouTube show? Ellen DeGeneres. And I was like, oh, you bet, huh? Well, let's put some money on it because I bet she ******* wouldn't. If I win, you have to let me back on your cell phone plan. She's always trying to find ways to get me on television. Like when she heard I was getting divorced, she sent me a text that said, now that you're single, you can go on The Bachelor or Miss America. I was like, yeah, because marriage is what was holding me back from becoming Miss America. Pretty sure part of the qualifications include hasn't been paid in Jell-O shots to tell dick jokes. So I don't think I'm getting in. Let's talk about the foosball web series. So my entire family and I are actually world champion foosball players. Thank you, thank you. I know it sounds made up. I swear it's real. My parents met playing at a professional foosball tournament in the 80s. So I literally wouldn't exist if it weren't for foosball, which is sad. But you know, some of you wouldn't exist if it weren't for boxed wine. So it's like, yeah, whatever. We're all a little garbage.