Why You Keep People-Pleasing (Even When You Know Better) and How to Actually Change That.

Have you ever found yourself fighting so hard to change the way you respond to certain things, only to fall back into the same old pattern again? Like you desperately wanted to say no to something, but ended up saying yes. A few months ago, I was following a business course, where I had been advised to post on my social media in Italian, which is my native language, instead of English. There was many strategic reasons for it, but from the very beginning, it didn't sit right with me. It just didn't feel like me, even though it's my native language. In any case, I listened to them because I thought they're the experts. And so I did post for six weeks in Italian. Everything was going well. The page was growing. It looked like it was actually working. But internally, I kept feeling off. And I started feeling more and more disconnected from the page, the language, what I was doing. So at the end of that business course, I took a break to decide what I was going to do. And I realized that I really just wanted to post in English. But for some reason, I couldn't bring myself to go against their advice. So I started doing some research. And as I started digging deeper, I actually realized I had learned to always value other people's needs, ideas, and opinions over my own. So over time, I had basically just trained myself to not trust my own decisions. This is a very simple story, but it actually shows that many of the surface-level things that we face in our lives are not actually about the surface-level thing. They're about the deeper patterns. Very often, these unconscious patterns aren't surface-level people-pleasing. They are actually tied to our self-worth. And if subconsciously you think that your self-worth is on the line, as a way to protect yourself, you are actually just going to do everything that you can to make sure that you keep it intact. Even self-sabotaging, even saying yes when you really mean no. So the main issue when you keep repeating these patterns isn't actually tied to self-discipline or willpower. It's probably tied to a deeper pattern that you haven't really realized is going on yet. For me, in this particular situation, having learned that I should always put other people first, their needs, their wants, their opinions, their ideas, I had basically learned to tell myself that unless I got validation from someone else, I couldn't trust the decision I was making. So in this story that I told you, the problem wasn't actually the language. It was me being able to trust my own decision, even if no one else was validating it. But what was working against me was my unconscious belief that I am not as worthy if I don't put everyone else before me. And so obviously, when this is what's operating underneath the surface, it's very difficult to change the way we react to the surface level situation. So what's important that you actually do in these cases to be able to really change your default setting is to rewrite the narrative you've been told and the one you keep telling yourself. Maybe you learned that setting boundaries is selfish. So even now as an adult, you struggle to put boundaries because you feel like you are not worthy if you don't give in to whatever people are asking of you. And so you might need to tell yourself that setting boundaries is actually safe. That it's a good choice to set boundaries and respect them for your sake and for the sake of others. Maybe you learned that respecting your own opinions or your own choices is not safe because you have learned that you should always value other people's opinions or ideas above your own. And so even now you struggle to trust yourself when you make decisions because you feel like you're going against other people's advice. And so now you might need to start telling yourself that you're not wrong for trusting your intuition or that respecting your own opinions and ideas is as important as it is for you to respect other people's ideas and opinions. So from a practical point of view, Start noticing when these unconscious beliefs come up. So really be curious about why you think a certain way. For example, if someone is inviting you to something that you really don't want to go, instead of saying yes when you really mean no, ask yourself why you don't want to go and ask yourself why would you feel guilty for saying that. Is it because you value their comfort over your own? Is it because you don't want to hurt them and you are okay with hurting yourself instead? And also ask yourself, What do I think saying no says about me? Maybe you learned that saying no means being selfish, that it means being self-centered, that it means that you don't care about other people. And then ask yourself, Do you actually agree? Do you think this is true that you don't care or that you're selfish and self-centered for saying no in that specific situation? If no, then that's one of those small moments when you can start updating your belief and rewriting the narrative that you've been listening to in your head and resist the urge to say yes, just to not feel that uncomfortable feeling. Learn to sit with it, even if it feels uncomfortable. In the beginning, you are probably going to feel like you are going against what every fiber of your being is telling you. Because if you've always learned to put everyone else's comfort above your own, then it's going to actually feel wrong when you don't do it. But the more you are able to take small steps, and reestablish a boundary between what you need and what other people need, the less uncomfortable it will become over time. And over time, you're actually going to see that you're going to be able to say yes intentionally and fully because you actually want to. And it's going to feel less heavy to say no. And one last note, give yourself a lot of grace. You might not be able to do this straight away. There might be many times when you want to push yourself to say no, but you really, really don't manage to and say yes instead. Give yourself grace. Understand that it takes a lot of time to rewire the way you've been seeing yourself and others for the past however many years. And just keep working on it step by step, one day at a time. So I really hope you found this video useful. And thank you again so much for tuning in today. I hope to see you on the next one. Bye.