Nobody Made People Laugh Like Robin Williams

There are comedians, and then there was Robin Williams. Put him in a room with seasoned actors or talk show hosts, and within minutes, they were wiping tears. These are his greatest moments. So we let the male carry the sperm, and we gave them two or three to begin with, and they're gone. So we gave the human male eight to five, well, basically, five to eight million sperms, and the human female one egg. Those are pretty good odds. And the sperms swim up there, and the human female carries the child, and it gets pretty big, and it comes out through the curtains. Yeah, they get really big show. We tried to see if the male would do it, and they said, no ******* way. They have very low tolerance to pain. We tried, it's like pulling your testicles up over your head, and the female said, okay, we'll do it. And the female will also be in charge of feeding the baby. We tried two tits on the guys, and they just kept doing this, and we said, let them keep them. And then we initially tried the human female with eight. Like most mammals, and the men were like, nyeh-heh-heh-heh, nyeh-heh-heh-heh, nyeh-heh-heh-heh. It's like, oh, god, no, nyeh-heh-heh. And we said, guys got two hands, just give her two tits, that's enough. On The Ellen Show, Robin Williams humorously takes on an accent challenge. Fantastic! We're gonna play New York like I know York after this. On The Martha Stewart Show, Robin Williams joins Martha to cook steak tacos, turning a simple cooking segment into fun, energetic kitchen comedy. With salt. Smash with salt. Two tablespoons of chili powder, don't breathe it too much. No, thank you. Wow, that is a very deep chili. Very powerful chili that will make the whole body react, and all the chakras be very powerful. Two tablespoons light brown sugar. On we go, girl. We got brown sugar. And two teaspoons smoked paprika. Two teaspoons smoked paprika. One teaspoon cumin. One cumin. Knock, knock, cumin. The old Indian joke, knock, knock, cumin, who's there? I am. If you ever want to be in an Indian video, try this. You have to just simply do this. Change your lifeboat, change your lifeboat, change your lifeboat. Okay, half a teaspoon instant espresso. Now that's an odd ingredient, don't you think? Instant espresso, just to make dad stay awake all night. Robin suddenly imagines Jack Nicholson as Bugs Bunny, and the whole moment flips into comedy chaos. An hour of fun could have been a streetcar named Desire. Steward. But the guy who I want to see do a voice, I want to see Jack Nicholson as Bugs Bunny going, hello, doctor. What's up? Nice piece of tail, Trixie. On Ellen's show, Robin suddenly hijacks the interview, shifting topics, and turning the moment into spontaneous chaos. German. Okay. Tell me right now, I want to do my quick, before I bring out Doody and Robert. Elmer Fudd? Elmer Fudd is a talk show host. Listen to me, listen to me right now, I want to talk about the movies I did before this thing, but I want to wonder, but nah. You better pass. Okay. Oh, half-breed. Cher? Yeah. Right, don't know why you're coming right here. Hey, right there. School! Beckham. David Beckham. On Graham Norton, Robin jokes that his success hype faded in just weeks, turning it into a self-aware punchline. For like a week, it was like, hey, congratulations, way to go, good will hunting, way to go. Two weeks later, hey, Mark! He's back being that again. So it lasted, I mean, the moment they say your name when you win, English becomes a second language. And I forgot to thank my mother, and she was in the audience. Even the therapist went, get out! That was rough for the next few years. Oh, God. Well, how's the award? You came through here. How's the award? My English, better today. I am happy to be here with the man they raised so much money for. It's great to see you wear a tie that could have been a couch. Thank you. Robin remembers a stage scene where he unexpectedly speaks French, helping the actor and turning it into spontaneous comedy. There's people playing from other countries, and one night there was a guy playing, I think a young French man going, does anyone here speak French? And I went, je parle français. He went, could you please help me? And I felt like we were doing, you know, Private Ryan, where I was going, stay with me, I'll protect you. Where do we go? Behind that wall, stay down here. Are there others? There's one more, stay right here, stay here. And then the little kid goes, I own the frog. Shut up, watch out for the little kid. There's a nasty 10-year-old, he's up there, he's in the tower with a sniper rifle. Watch out for the 10-year-old. Yeah, 10-year-old, I got you now! But you actually named your kids after... My daughter is named after a video game, Zelda, Princess Zelda. Robin jokes about Siri failing in France, turning it into a funny take on language confusion and tech frustration. Like Siri, name me a fine French restaurant. Robin, I can't find restaurants in France. At that point, I give up, okay. I wish it had a French accent and call it sorry. What do you do? What do you care? I don't know. You're in France, walk outside, walk down a block, look around, you idiot. What are you, stupid? iPhone, what are you? Oh, look at you. Oh, your iPod and your new iWife. What are you doing? Ah, look around, why must you ask a phone? Live your life! Robin Williams humorously describes a chaotic Atlantic City Thanksgiving and mentions Donald Trump in his satire. I had a traditional Thanksgiving in Atlantic City. What a wonderful place to go. The boardwalk's a bit run down, though. It's kind of like the Wizard of Oz on acid. Junkies and pimps and pizza, oh my. And Donald Trump is the Wizard of Oz. He is the guy. He plays Monopoly with real ******* buildings. This is a scary man. And he owns all these beauty pageants, Miss America, Miss Universe. Isn't it a bit like Michael Vick owning a series of pet stores? It's a ******* catch-and-release program for him. This is a man who said, my daughter is hot. Even people in Arkansas went, that's ******* wrong. That's just way out of place. And that ******* hair, my God. I believe the hair is the Donald. I believe the body is a maintenance system for the hair. He goes home at night going, we're home. All right, **** it, let's get out of here now. On the Graham Norton Show, Robin Williams humorously references Happy Feet 2 and penguin sweaters, turning it into a light, playful commentary on the film. And they knit these penguin sweaters that the penguins wear until their feathers grow back. That's adorable. It's really sweet. Yeah. Are they like tank tops, or do they do a thin, thin arm? A lovely gay jumper. I want something to make my flippers look good. Is it true you were supposed to do three? Initially, they had me doing the voice of the Scottish penguin. Oh, that's right. Yeah, but then it sounded too much like Mrs. Doubtfire on steroids. So, eventually, just doing two voices is great. I mean, just to do any voice in a cartoon is pretty wonderful. We record all together in the same room, which is kind of wonderful. But that's really unusual, isn't it, to all be together? Yeah, I guess, because, I mean, I forgot that when I did Aladdin, I was alone in the room, and then the first day, I said, do you mind if I try something? And they went, oh, sure, fine. And then, 23 hours later, they have 40 different characters. But it was like, but it was this weird thing of most of the time, you're alone, and you're recording, and usually, the director's someplace else, either New York or Australia, and it's like bad phone seconds. Robin Williams' guest appearance on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson turns into playful confusion as he imitates rapid backstage rehearsal banter It started happening, mingle, mingle, mingle. And I know that they've got Quail locked up in some back room going, okay, let's go over it again, okay? Let's go over it one time here, okay? Assad, you did. Okay, try it again. Aziz, what did he say? No, try it again. Assad, you did. No, try it one more time. Hussain, nobody. Okay, try it again. Gaddafi, God bless you. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yup, yup, yup. Robin Williams tells Dick Cavett he loves improvisation most, calling it the unknown, where new comedy ideas are created. I'm really, that's the greatest high in the world when you're trying new stuff. Now we're getting suggestions and planning and doing new things. That's my favorite. That's the unknown, the special land. Yeah, you find it's hard to go from improvising back to your prepared material because it sounds a little stilted when you go back into it. Yeah, and the prepared material sounds like you'll be going, having a great time going, and there, look, there's many things, then you go back. But seriously, these two jerks. At late night with Conan O'Brien, Robin Williams playfully reacts to a light wardrobe joke, turning an awkward moment into humor. Your fly is open a little bit when you came out. Nice of you to notice, though. You haven't been married that long. I just check and see. Yeah, it's open, I'm afraid. I don't think so. I just think you're trying to get out. Wait, wait, why did you? Yeah, it looked a little open when you came out. I'm trying to prevent some kind of embarrassment. The fact that Donald Trump wants to see Obama's birth certificates. I want to see his hairline first. Absolutely. I think so. I believe the hair, I believe the hair goes. Who shall we marry next? Robin Williams humorously thanks the host and audience, joking about an unlikely mix of stars on stage and playfully calling it a sign of the apocalypse. I hope that happens someday. I also want to thank you for having Prince, William Shatner, Puff Daddy, and Mick Jagger on the same stage. That is the sign of the apocalypse. Thank you. I also want to thank the Hollywood Foreign Press for acknowledging comedy. Jim, you know this, it's weird. Normally, they look at comedians as like very special people. Thank you very much. You allow us to be in the room with the adults you nominated. You even have a category for us, comedy and dancing. There's a lot of dancers who could have been up here tonight, but they didn't make it. I also want to thank the Hollywood Foreign Press for the lovely Star Trek, the musical set. You know what? Let's go over to the bus station and pretend we're going someplace. Come on. Yeah, yeah. I'll make those announcements you never understand, like... I want the guy who does soccer to do golf one time. The body's like... Those models are like deer in a thong. They walk by just like this, like, hello. Robin Williams delivers a rapid, edgy, baseball-themed comedy rant, joking about cocaine culture and turning a slow game into exaggerated stand-up satire. We got these devil cocaine problems, smart-ass. And everybody's doing cocaine. Baseball players have to go in front of a grand jury and say, yeah, I did cocaine. Can you blame me? It's a slow goddamn game. Come on, Jack. I'm standing out left here for seven innings. There's a white line going all the way down to home plate. I see the guy putting it out going, ha, ha, ha, ha. Robin Williams jokes on CBS This Morning about Siri and smartphones interfering with everyday conversations. It's crazy to have a phone that talks to you. I don't need that. They're going, Siri, what? Turn it off, Robin. Do not text that out. This is what I want to talk to you, Robin, about, because I thought this was hilarious. My phone has a moral GPS on it. The girl you're texting is the same age as your daughter. Reroute. Robin, you got married for the third time. Third time. This is a charm. That's it. If I get married again, no more. Oh, the 60s, but there was a gift. It was like this amazing, I won the lottery. It was incredible. You really did. Are you excited about this new show? Yes. It's been really exciting working with Sarah Michelle, Hamish Linklater, Amanda Setton, Jimmy Walk. It's like a great cast. They're kind of focusing on me, but it's a wonderful ensemble, which makes it a lot better for me. Some people are calling you the new Don Draper. No. Don't call me furry. The new Don Draper. God bless you. Your character's based on a real guy. Well, we have a real advisor, a guy named John Montgomery, who worked for Leo Burnett at Chicago. And he tells me great stories about dealing with sponsors. He was once on the phone with a sponsor, and he said, well, we're going to have a unicorn in this commercial, and the sponsor actually went, a real unicorn? And he went, I don't know, what do I say to them? Gary is an electrician, if anyone's looking. Okay, go, Gary. Your impression of Ms. Stafford now. Hello, dear. I'm a hip old granny who can beat-bop, deep-bop, dance, teardrop, and yo-yo make a wicked cup of cocoa. Whoa! Bless you, Danny. Oh, Danny, that was stunning. You made me harder than Chinese algebra. Well done. Well done, Danny. You did a great job. Brilliant. That was good, wasn't it? Oh, God, it's just flu. We've got to talk about Ms. Stafford just briefly, because- Yeah, no. Robin Williams jokes about New York's changing energy and how people quickly move in and out of different areas. What's wrong? Yeah. I think it means a lot for Tribeca just to get people back down here, because for this part of New York, it's been hard. It's the last place to go, you know? For a part, people would go, and then, you know, uptown New York, pretty much a month later, people, everything was back. And I know hotels suffered for a while, but now I think even people are getting used to the fact this is a great part of New York, and they're coming. How are you doing, Gary? What's this? What's behind you? What? It's a huge bike. What? Someone's riding a smaller bike. Yeah! I tell you! It's your damn brother from the circus again. What are you doing here? At the AFI tribute to Al Pacino, Robin Williams delivers a fast-paced, humorous speech, mentioning five of Pacino's iconic films in his signature energetic style. Think about it. At the very beginning of Al's career, he made the following movies in a span of five years. He made The Godfather, Serpico, Godfather II, Dog Day Afternoon. Yes, indeed. We could have given you this award in 1975, but that'd be a little early. It'd be like Macaulay Culkin getting a Gene Hirschfeld Award. Not good. But Al's career has endured over 40 years. So many great films, so many great performances. The Academy Award for Godfather II. The Academy Award for Raging Bull. Wait a minute. I am out of rehab, but that's wrong. That's Robert De Niro. But if you put Robert De Niro in a dryer, you get Al Pacino. Can I just shake your hand? Why not? Marlene, sell my clothes. I'm going to heaven. I'm so happy to be here. Robin Williams imitates a dancing penguin on The Ellen Show, turning it into playful, physical comedy. He's back here. We have him over here. And unless you send your money, we're putting him in a microwave. This, oh, look at that. It says, try me. It's the lovely mumbles dancing penguin. It talks, it sings. And if you put on any music, it dances a lot like Savion Glover. There, hold on one second. I'll put it on right there. Yo, go. Adorable. Everybody, stand up. Check it out. Robin turns a chaotic, fast-paced rant into surreal Disney-themed satire and comedy. I love you. Welcome back, Americans. No, come, you can build a Disneyland near Paris. We won't go, but build it. And we'll have a Minnie Mouse with armpit hair. It'll be great. Smoking your galwaz, going, I never loved Mickey, you know that? What, he has three fingers. What am I, a bowling ball? **** off. Don't love him. You're a grass rat-like bastard. I don't care. But there is one country that watches out for all of us. The Swiss. Yeah. The Geneva Convention. If there is ever a nuclear war, they will be the only people going, What was that noise? Robin takes over the moment on Johnny Carson, flipping a serious rant about Don King into fast, chaotic comedy energy. Here's the meat. Yeah, they caught the one guy. They always catch the one wino. All right, yeah, man. I'm really pissed off about Don King. The whole Don King thing has got me down, man. National Guard, and they didn't come with bullets, which is always an interesting thing. They couldn't find him. They couldn't find him, so they're out in the streets going, All right, everybody. We are the world. It's a difficult thing. Oh, yeah, but you know. They said they saw BMWs pulling up to the radio shack. That must be great. Fabulous, this is great. Wonder if we can get store credit if you already have it. Where'd it go? Oh, God. I said last night, thank God for Quayle. He kept us alive for two more nights. Oh, yeah, Quayle. Yeah, yeah. They sent him down to the hood. That was great. Robin Williams receives an award and emotionally credits his wife and sister, adding a warm, personal touch to his acceptance speech. Zelda, photographer, actress, big fan of Hello Kitty. Zachary, the linguist. That's very good. He's gonna open up a syntax repair shop. Thank you. And I also wanna share this award with a very special woman, a Lifetime Achievement Award with Marsha. I'd like to give you the croix du coeur for living with a comedian. We're a tad moody. Isn't that right, Sybil? Yes! We're a little rough, but thank you for offering me a shelter in the midst of schadenfreude. Thank you. Wonderful thing. I also wanna thank another amazing woman, Rebecca Jane Irwin Spencer, who is my assistant, who has a quick way of really leveling me when I get too infused with myself, going, I'm a star. Williams breaks a serious moment with a bold, unexpected joke, instantly shifting the mood into comedy. You lost your sound man. You just lost my sound man. It's like, oh, good luck using that! Dear God, oh Lord! No question was ever off limits. I just wanna get this out of the way. Please. Okay. Eight inches. Magician. Wouldn't that be a little frightening? Oh! Look, a dove! Impaired. Any PD. Albanian magic act. It wouldn't have gone well. And you were born in Berlin, which makes you the funniest German I know. It's kind of like, that's like saying funniest German is like sexiest nun. It's kind of a short list. But if you'd been born in Vienna, you could have been a von Trapp, and that would have been a much different musical. The hero!