No Wonder She Is Anxious

I was at a friend's house and all of a sudden I was absolutely convinced the house was on fire and it was burning down. There was nothing in me that didn't think we were going to die. Do you still have that anxiety? Oh yeah. I grew up in Phoenix, Arizona. I was very serious as a baby and toddler and didn't really laugh or smile much and took everything in. And then I was a performer. I was kind of rambunctious and excitable and loved to sing and dance. I wasn't really a tomboy, but I wasn't really a girly girl either. I was a loud kid and I was a bossy kid up until I was about seven. After first grade, before I went into second grade, I had my first panic attack. I could attend school, but I went to the nurse every single day at lunch and I would say that I was sick and I needed to go home and I needed to call my mom. I couldn't go to friend's houses. I had deep separation anxiety with my mom. For some reason it convinced myself that if I wasn't watching out for her that something terrible could happen to her. It just kept going for the next two years. I started doing therapy as a kid and worked through a lot of that. I ended up getting to write a book and it was called I Am Bigger Than My Anxiety where I drew pictures just to imagine that thing as an external, as an, you know, that it's not me but it is a part of me. And then I started acting at 11. It is the goal of all to improve, advance, progress, grow. Doing improv and theater at a local youth theater and I found my people. Kids joined the debate team, I joined improv class. I was cast in No Jerky for Perky. That was the school play in my elementary school and it was all fifth graders and there was a role for one first grader that was the little sister of one of the fifth graders. Going on stage for the first time, it was, I mean, you know, for a sort of performer at heart, the audience reaction, the laughing and it would, I mean, the laughing was heaven to me. I do remember saying to my mom in the most, you know, dramatic sense possible, if I don't get to act, I will die. Asked if I could audition for Valley Youth Theater and she was like, okay, okay, I hear you and, you know, I guess it's just good that my deeply anxious daughter wants to do something like this. I was homeschooled because I really wanted to do play after play after play because that's what made me feel the best and the happiest. When you're able to find a team or to find people to surround yourself with and have that kind of connection so you don't feel so isolated, it's very healing. And then there came a moment where I thought, well, I really want to be in movies if it's possible because that's my favorite medium, I guess. I just called them into my bedroom and made this PowerPoint of just a list of reasons why I should move to Los Angeles right now. I don't even remember now what the photos were. I tried to put in people who had started, you know, their acting careers young. I just felt this kind of calling like it was time to go. Now they thought about it for a while. They figured out having me interview with some agencies because they were like, you can't go if you don't have an agent. And my mom and I went out to LA for pilot season from Phoenix. I auditioned for for a few months. It was rough at first. How'd the audition go? And I was auditioning a lot and I wasn't getting any parts. I don't like the fissure on the GT scan. I've been to a million auditions and the same thing happens every time where I get interrupted because someone wants to get a sandwich or I'm crying and they start laughing or there's people sitting in the waiting room and they're and they're like me but prettier and better because maybe I'm not good enough. I won the role of Laurie Partridge. That was a reality search competition that I auditioned for when I was 15. I did do that within the first year of being out there because none of the auditions were really working and we made one episode and then we were not picked up to series. It didn't work out. This is the most ironic bait ever. Maybe I'm one of those people that has always wanted to do it but it's like a pipe dream. You change your dreams and then you grow up. Maybe I'm one of those people and I'm not supposed to and I can go back to school and I can find something else that I'm supposed to do. When you go to audition after audition after audition things don't work out or you don't get the part at least I would start to forget that all of this could potentially be leading to people remembering you or calling you in for something else. I got a call back. What? And this amazing casting director Alison Jones I had been into her a bunch of times for different sitcom pilots and all these things and so she thought of me for this role. For what? Jules in Superbad. It was huge. Superbad was so so exciting. It was like months I went in and did improv with Jonah for Judd Apatow who was a producer and my best friend in the world is Martha McIsaac who played Becca the other female character in Superbad and we lived together after that and just you know life-changing in in every way. It's so much improv that Jonah would just throw a new thing at me like literally every day. He was 23 maybe 22 or 23 and I was 17 and no it was I was out of my mind with excitement. Let the record show that I, Olive Pendergast, being of sound mind ample ish breast size and the occasional corny knock-knock joke do enter this video blog as evidence in the case against me. Easy A was another very pivotal moment that character to me felt like she could be in a different situation or a different age and it might still kind of feel a similar story. What's it like being the leading lady? How are you how you handling it? Um to say this whole thing had taken over my life would be a colossal understatement. This I'm freaking out a little bit. It's very insane. You know these things work it's like wildfire. I gotta admit I kind of liked being on the map. Actually no no not really no I didn't. I felt really to lose anonymity. I didn't really understand what that would be like and I think as a kid I like had this fantasy but like oh that would be so cool there would be you know and it was easily easily the hardest aspect of all. I was 20 and I put so much pressure on myself okay and was just like I while we were shooting it I was just like going nuts and I was like I don't know this whole thing could fall but I have no idea because I was you know in I did be there all day every day and if I wasn't on screen I was like narrating it was just like too much me. I don't think there's been a day on set of any film of anything I've ever done where I've been like I really got it today that was exactly what it's supposed to be. You're nervous about what they think? You see something in your head or you feel like it should be a particular way and then it has to come out of your mouth and your body and all of that and it never matches up to what exactly you have in your head. I'm nervous to every single time going like I have no idea how the f**k to do this anymore like I completely lost it. I was really getting like pretty shut down and kind of numbed out in auditions because of that sort of streak of wanting to do it quote unquote right. I feel kind of puky and just sort of I don't know like emotional like I keep crying. It's brutal. When I was growing up like anything that could be measured I was obsessed with acing tests uh report cards like anything that you can like for instance playing I played flute you know in band class you have to choose an instrument and I was terrible at flute. I can't play flute but I was first chair because I tried to do it all exactly correctly. Even if I hate the class and it means nothing to me I have to get that A you know. A's were awesome. It was a really um intense experience for a couple of years to experience that. I just want you to know your father and I are totally supportive. It was impossible without without their support. You seem genuinely nervous about what I'm about to ask. What are you jealous of? You have a family tattoo. My my mom my dad and my brother and I all got the same tattoo. Can you tell what that is? Is those chicken feet? These are they're blackbird feet. It's easy to feel hopeful on a beautiful day like today. Well Breast Cancer Awareness Month kicks off October 1st but there will be dark days ahead of us too. It's estimated that more than 180,000 American women will be diagnosed with the disease this year. There will be days where you feel all alone and that's when hope is needed most. It's our mother, it's our sister, it's it's our niece, it's our grandmother, it's a friend, it's a co-worker. And she just went through a pretty crazy two years. Two years ago tomorrow she got diagnosed with breast cancer. No matter how buried it gets or how lost you feel you must promise me that you will hold on to hope. Keep it alive. We've been able to detect the lesions at a much smaller size. This translates directly into an increased survival rate. We have to be greater than what we suffer. My wish for you is to become hope. And she's out of the woods now. What happened is part of all of us now and it doesn't go away and it doesn't get swept under the rug. Her favorite song is Blackbird by Paul McCartney and it's my favorite song as well. It all gets a bit chaotic sometimes, doesn't it? I wrote a letter to Paul McCartney asking him if he would draw two little bird feet because he wrote the song. But clearly I can see I don't need to tell you that. Anxious. And yesterday he sent them to me. Sure. Custom tattoos designed by Paul McCartney. Oh my god that's pretty good. Isn't that wild? One of the shows you did at Value Theater was Titanic. I was 13 when I did Titanic. An incredible criminally underrated musical. My cinematic crush growing up was Leonardo DiCaprio in Titanic which I saw seven and a half times in theaters. And the Oscar goes to... In my house I have a framed signed headshot of him as Jack in Titanic. Emma Stone, La La Land. All these full circle moments. It's beautiful. Thank you so much to the Academy. I think I've seen it like nine times which is insane. I think any other movie I've done I've probably seen at a maximum two times. At a max. Most actors don't like watching themselves. No it's awful. But La La Land is there's something different about it. Ryan Gosling thank you for making me laugh and for always raising the bar and for being the greatest partner on this crazy adventure. What was it like for the third time? It's your third movie together now? Is that at this point you're just carpooling to auditions? Is that is that what's happening? Yeah. I don't think I've ever worked on a film where I haven't made like at least one lifelong friend. Sorry about my friend she's a hoser. What's a hoser? Ryan Gosling or Jonah Hill? You. I loved working with her and we maintained a really close friendship. You're like the coolest person that's ever talked to me. There's lots of like fake friendships I think and I consider her a really great friend in real life. I think we're gonna get an A. Jonah Hill. What? What? What? And Ryan Gosling. And I'm gonna thank you along with my friends who I love so much. I'm gonna hug the hell out of you when the feeling re-enters my body. So thank you so much. How much time of the two of you spent together? Like hundreds of thousands of hours. And it's all been magical? Every second has been like a dream. And all of his madness is in his art which is a great thing but it's a lot of madness you know. So I just then I was just like I want just take me. I just I want to do anything with him. I still do. I'll do anything with him. I think he's brilliant. I love getting in there and being really you know like really digging deep into script, character, everything with the director. Right. That is not Yorgos' way. And so the first thing we did was Bella at the piano which is the first you know shot of the movie of her playing the piano. And we did that at the camera test day for a long time. And then we did it again on Monday because he was like that's not making it in. And so we began on Monday and I was just like oh god. And right after that he that piano scene I just cried. I was like I have no idea if this is in any way workable and where we're going from here. I need to offer something to the world and yet I have nothing. When I've played a character that which most adults are has a backstory, has you know life experiences, all these things you're sort of adding to the character. And here it's about stripping away as much as possible, taking away shame, taking away self-judgment, judgment of the outer world you know just remaining completely open. And then my job was to let go of all self-judgment, all shame. And I was like ****. I'm completely open to auditioning and I think it's actually a really helpful process that we maybe don't get as often anymore which is a little scary because someone's saying like I think you can do this and you're like **** can I do this? I've tried to channel especially as an old now as an adult who has a different kind of a hold on my disorder. I'm able to sort of channel that in a different way and it doesn't need to be you know improv or something brand new. Near the end of shooting I had said that this was the most difficult character I had ever played. You are a person you're not a robot so you kind of have to start letting go of that whatever thing that you do to yourself at least for me. It was difficult because she is the simplest character I've ever played. So I try to remind myself of that on sort of a daily basis while I'm working that there is no like right way to do this. This isn't measurable that's why things like awards and stuff are so kind of you know they're beautiful but they're also like but that's you know it's all subjective it's like there really is no there's no measuring stick which is the best part about this job is that you you kind of can't do it right. I wouldn't trade it for the world even when it's in really you know when Acting was and continues to be a sort of form of meditation to me. I try to hold everything lightly and not cling too much to any of it and also to not take yourself seriously. You moved out here when you were 15 years old is this career this life kind of what you were dreaming of? Oh it's so far beyond what I what I dreamed of. It's obviously different when you're when you're doing it kind of professionally and there's that pressure on you to deliver in a way but at the same time it requires you to be present like you have no option than to just think about exactly what's in front of you. I think it's a combination of two things I think one is trusting your instincts and your gut. Nobody makes my decisions for me all right nobody this is my choice okay and then the people around you. I really just want to thank my family my mom my brother Spencer my dad. My parents were very supportive that is a rare thing and I was you know 15. It's pretty crazy to have parents that are like okay let's give this a shot. Your people are going to save your life. When long periods of time go by where I don't work or whatever I'm with those people that I love and it feels like okay maybe I never do this again but I have I have you and it's it's the best it's the best thing in the world. Name one thing you can't live without. Your gut can tell you anything if you don't have people around you to support you and help you you're screwed. Uh love in whatever form that takes. And you have an audition tomorrow at 5 30. The number one thing to you know doing all of this is is the people you surround yourself with. I'll be out front at 8 a.m. That will kill me. Anxiety is very activating it gets you out of bed. You you kind of can't just stay in one place. It sort of forces you to keep moving. I have always found what I get to do for work to be helpful. The anxiety doesn't go away. It you get to know it does not go away. I panicked this morning y'all. You don't have to be an actor to overcome anxiety. You don't have to be a writer to overcome you know you just have to find what that thing is within you that you're drawn to I think and have it be presented to you from the world the opportunity of it. If you can use it for productive things you know if you can use all of those feelings and those synapses that are firing for something creative or something that you're passionate about or something interesting anxiety is like rocket fuel. That's really a gift. And most importantly my daughter who's going to be three in three days and has turned our lives technicolor. I love you bigger than the whole sky my girl. There's 17 million kids in the United States that's one out of five under the age of 18 who have a mental health disorder. Hi everyone this is Emma Stone. Hi I'm Emma Stone. Hi I'm Emma. I am proud to join the Child Mind Institute. I'm a board member for the wonderful Child Mind Institute for our Getting Better Together campaign and for our We Thrive Inside campaign. What I would tell kids that are going through anxiety which I have and you're so normal it's crazy. As a child I struggled with crippling anxiety the most common and least recognized childhood mental health disorder. Everyone experiences a version of anxiety or worry in their lives. I'm talking about anxiety on a big stage like I'm terrified. There's something wrong with you to be a sensitive person that cares a lot that takes things in in a deep way is actually part of what makes you amazing and is one of the greatest gifts of life is that you think a lot and you feel a lot you feel deeply and it's the best. I feel so lucky to to be to be anxious yeah so I just want you to know you're very normal because I think it can be sort of like a superpower sometimes. Time is luck so don't waste it living someone else's life make yours count for something. What do you think you did best in the movie? Fight for what matters to you no matter what um everything I think I pretty much nailed all of it don't you agree because even if we fall short what better way is there to live we're gonna be okay