Nobody Is Unintentionally Hilarious Like Matt Damon...and It NEVER Gets Old!

Matt Damon has spent decades being one of Hollywood's most beloved actors, but behind the blockbusters and the iconic roles is someone who's just as entertaining off-screen. Is Matt Damon dead? I hope not. That's terrible. He's not dead. Well, maybe culturally speaking. Maybe I'm over. He's so dead. Every family vacation has its fair share of surprises, and Matt Damon's trip with the Hemsworths had one that nobody planned for. Chris Hemsworth. Yes, yes. You guys have hung out in Australia together, which I would think would be intense. Did you like Australia? I love it there, but there are, like, everything in Australia wants to kill you. Even the things that don't want you to die. Like, there's a spider down there called the Huntsman, and they're actually, they're not poisonous. I was talking to my wife in the morning, we were having coffee, and she was sitting on the couch, and I was sitting across in this chair, and as I was talking to her, I saw this thing, this bigger than my hand, kind of come up the wall behind her. I mean, it was this massive, hairy spider. And I really calmly said to her, hey, come here, come sit over here with me. And she's like, what are you talking about? Come here for a second, come sit over with me. And she turned around and saw it, and it was like she screamed, and then the kids came running down, and it was like, oh my god. And I realized at that moment, I'm the guy who has to deal with the spider. Movie critics can be harsh, but Matt's toughest reviewer doesn't write for a newspaper. She just happens to share his last name. One of my daughters kind of, like, patently refuses to see any movie that I'm in if she thinks it's going to be good. Right, really, why? Yeah, she hasn't seen Good Will Hunting. She hasn't seen it. What? Yeah, yeah. It's kind of a running joke. Like, I did this movie, The Great Wall, which she heard wasn't good, so she went and saw it. And she goes, dad, and she, we had friends over for dinner, she was talking about the movie. She goes, she kept calling it The Wall. She kept calling it The Wall. And I finally go, look, Isabella, it's called The Great Wall. He has the right to take credit for plenty of things in Hollywood, but being the most fearless stuntman alive is one title he's happy to hand straight to Tom Cruise. I read somewhere that you're afraid of heights, and I thought that's not possible, because I've seen you do too many cool stunts where it looked like you couldn't possibly be afraid of heights. Yeah, I didn't know that I was afraid of heights till I had dinner with Tom Cruise, like, years ago, after he did that thing out of the building. So I kind of cornered him, and I said, hey, tell me about this. Like, I'm afraid of heights. How did you do this thing? And he was like, because he really wanted to talk about it. He said, I've been dreaming of this shot for 15 years, of this sequence, and finally I had a chance to do it. And I goes, well, so how did it come to pass? And he goes, OK, OK. So I go to the safety guy. I tell him this is what I'm going to do. This is what I'm going to explain the whole gag to him. The safety guy says, you can't do that. He goes, that's too dangerous. And I'm like, uh-huh, uh-huh. And he goes, so I get another safety guy. Most A-list stars have signatures worth a small fortune. Matt Damon's apparently isn't quite in that category. People who genuinely come up and say, hey, could I please have a picture, or an autograph, or whatever, or take a picture with my kid. And I would never say no to anybody like that. And then there's a whole, there's a professional autograph set, right? And they're trying to make a living. And I had this idea. So they show up. They've got like a stack of 100 or 200 pictures. And they will, as long as you sign, they'll stay there. They want you to sign as many as you possibly can. Right, because they sell each one. And so I've always had a really good rapport with those guys. And I'm always like, who's the most, you know, I remember when I first started out, I was fascinated by these guys. And I'd go like, what's the best, if you could get one autograph, you know, and I'm signing away. If you could get one autograph, what would it be? Elizabeth Taylor. It was, oh, if I could get an Elizabeth Taylor. How much is Elizabeth Taylor worth? Well, she never signs. So she's worth, you know, $5,000 if you could get a picture signed by her. And I, you know, well, what am I worth? And they'd be like, 20 bucks. Misinformation has a funny way of taking on a life of its own. Matt learned that right after one story about George Clooney spiraled far beyond anyone's control. I was in the Venice Film Festival a few days ago. And evidently, Brad Pitt had been doing interviews for Inglourious Bastards. And I guess somebody kept, they kept asking when he was going to marry Angelina Jolie. Right. And he got so sick of the question, he finally said, you know, I'm going to marry Angelina when George Clooney marries his boyfriend. So it's 8 in the morning, this Italian journalist comes in and goes, Matt, is it the true of what the Brad's say? And I have no idea what he's talking about. But, you know, of course, I go, yeah, of course, it's true. So I come back to New York. We arrive, go to sleep. I wake up in the morning and I, like you, go to my computer. I check the Internet on CNN. It says, man strips for George Clooney at press conference. So I click on it. And apparently this guy stands up and says, George, I am a gay. And George is like, OK. And you are gay. There aren't many celebrity friendships that come close to Matt Damon and Ben Affleck's. But how it all began? The story is not like anything you'd expect. Did you ever get in any fights as a kid? We had a snow day at school. So we would all meet in in the Cambridge Common and play tackle football. I mouthed off to a kid that I knew, but he was he was like your height. He was like six foot six. Right. And I might have been five three at the time. And and I said some I had scored on him or something. And I don't know. I said something. But I but he he came for me and it was like this mountain of a guy came at me. And I was like, oh, man. And it was right then that little five foot two Ben Affleck tackled this dude off of me like out of nowhere. I was like a junior and he was like a freshman. And so that was the end of it. And the kid was reasonable. And he was a guy. I'm not fighting. Let's let's play. But I remember that was like a big moment going like this guy is like he will he will put himself in a really bad spot for me. Like this is a good friend. And he will be Batman. But with a friendship this iconic, a bit of friendly rivalry was always inevitable. Hi, I'm Matt Damon. I'm Ben Affleck. A few moments later. Maybe we could talk about some other fun stuff like stories from the set of The Bourne Identity or any of the other hit movies that I've been. Or we could talk about stories from the movie Argo, which won Best Picture. That's just what happened. Or we could talk about Good Will Hunting. We could talk about who did the bulk of the writing. Kind of answer that one. That's a good idea. Or you could learn about things that are actually true, like how incredibly short Matt Damon is. Or the fact that Ben's left eye twitches every time you say the word Gigli. Can we cut for a second? I'm five, ten and a half. I mean, if you take out Northern Europe, like I'm way above the world average. Congratulations. You've been in that bedroom for three months. Yeah. Why? Hey, what is my... That's my wife. Why is my wife in the room? I mean, why do you think she's in the room? You son of a... You did it again. That's right. Bobby baby balls. Hey, Molly, get your mask on. I'm on my way. Have a great summer and like whoever gives a f*** where you're going. You have a great summer wherever you're going. I will. I'm going into your wife. I'm from the Boston area as well, but I had forgotten how to do a Boston accent because I've been gone so long. And so they actually were trying to teach it to me. They were going like, no, it's the yad, the yad. I'm going the yard. No, yad. Can you connect with it again? Is it? Well, I'm a professional actor, Conan. Jimmy Falun is a better talk show host than Jimmy Kimmel. Obviously. All day long. F*** Jimmy Kimmel. Not every Hollywood feud is built to last. This one has gone on for years and Matt is not interested in ending it anytime soon. What's happening here? It's me. What is going on here? It's moving. No, it's not. What the hell is going on here? Why are you touching me? I'm not touching you. If you two were to get matching tattoos, what would it be? That already happened. But they're just in a very special place. Is this you? This is not. We don't talk about it. Yeah. It's not an appropriate form. This is, this is the exclusive. This is a really hot piece of branding. We have the same tramp stamp. Yeah. Good. Will. Hunting. Exactly. When you put us together. Yeah. Most films become more polished with every draft. Good Will Hunting just became slightly less offensive. You've got four girls. Which of all these movies do they go, I like that movie, dad? Because they're like 11 and younger, right? I haven't seen any of them. Really? None of them? Not even Good Will Hunting? No, God, no. Why? Good Will Hunting. It's a tearjerker. Look, I'm very enormously proud of it. But I remember when people at Miramax came to us and said, could you make it PG-13? There's no violence or sex to speak of. You know, it's just, and I said, what's making it rated R? And they said, the language. And I said, OK, well, so we could loop a couple lines. And they go, yeah, but you're only allowed, I think at the time it was allowed, you were allowed to say the F word three times. And I said, OK, well, how many are we off by? And they said, you go over by 145. So. But the pranks don't stop with celebrities. Because when Matt channels his inner Jason Bourne, his fans become the next target. There is a bridge behind you. There is a man on the bridge. You've got to go to that man. You need to take a package from him right now. Do it right now. This better not be illegal. Do you see the hot dog stand behind you? I need you to go buy a hot dog. Those hot dogs are like $14, man. I see the man on the bridge. Walk up towards him and say, you have something for me. Are you serious? You're going to walk up to that man and just say, great day for a hot dog. But do not give him the hot dog. Great day for. It's a great day for a hot dog, huh? Now, do you see directly in front of you the concierge parking garage? Don't run because that'll draw attention. Three, two, one, let's go. Please, God, don't let this be no setup. And await my instructions. Now, what do I do? What's up, man? How you doing, man? What's up? Hi. Nice to meet you, man. So you guys just won tickets to the premiere of the Bourne movie this summer. Awesome, man. Thanks. In the future, when people call you with requests like that, don't follow them. It's wonderful to see you again. You know, you are an action movie star sometimes. I thought you were going to say, you are an ass. Enjoy your horse. Yeah, thank you. I don't want the horse in here. Can we get somebody to get the horse out of here? What are you doing in here? What does it look like, dumbass? I'm on your show. I'm promoting a new movie. It's coming out July 17th. Oh, my God. Did you do this movie specifically so you could sneak into this room in a Trojan horse? That is the saddest thing I've ever heard. What a loser you are. I did this movie so I could say that horse is a Trojan, which is something your dad should have used on his little wiener instead of having you. My father has a huge penis. Your mom said mine's bigger. You know what? My ploy worked because I made it on the show. I did it and you couldn't stop me. Matt has worked with some of the biggest names in Hollywood, but his story about John Malkovich is a little more vivid than most. Malkovich, you know, the fact that he was even going to come to do this movie, the whole crew was talking about it. I mean, for months, we're waiting for John Malkovich to get there. I mean, it's a big deal. When he finally shows up, he gets there and, you know, I mean, it's like, at that point, he's walking on water and we do the first take and John goes, if you don't have my money, then you are mine. And I'm sitting across the table from like, I'm sorry, what? What did you just say? And the crew bursts into applause. They're cheering. They're like, wow, amazing, amazing. And I'm looking at him and I guess he sees me looking at him and he leans across the table and I lean in and he looks at me, he goes, I'm a terrible actor. But his impressions don't stop there. There's another Hollywood icon he's got down perfectly. Before we get too far down the road, do you have a little Matthew McConaughey? Oh, man. Just a little. Just before we get out of time here, just a little. The last time I did it was here. Yeah, and we loved it. We all loved it. And that's all we talk about. Matthew McConaughey, taking his shirt off, whatever he's running around, having a beer. I'll tell you what. The Bourne of the Maine was coming out on Friday. I might just have to take my shirt off. Here we go. You auditioned for the Mickey Mouse Club, true or false? That's true. I was told that I was going to meet the head of Touchstone Pictures. And this was one of my first year in college. And so I went around my dormitory floor and said, me and my buddy, Ben, are going down to New York. We're taking the bus down this week and we're going to meet the head of Touchstone Pictures. And this was how it was pitched to us by our little agent at the time. So now I had everybody on the dormitory floor in college getting all excited that I was going to meet the head of Touchstone Pictures. We got down there and it turned out to be an audition for the Mickey Mouse Club. And so we get in there and we're looking for the head of Touchstone Pictures. And the guy's asking us if we can sing and dance. We're going, sing and dance? What are you talking about? Where's the head of Touchstone Pictures? So it's pretty embarrassing because I got back to college and everyone was asking me how the head of Touchstone Pictures was. And I was going, he's good. He's a cool guy. And while it's common for actors to use hair and makeup to enhance their looks for a role, Matt used his to do the exact opposite. And let's just say it worked a little too well. You know, the wardrobe and the hair and makeup. I had a wig that I'm, a pretty bad one that I'm wearing. It's like, you know, it's kind of two-tone. And I got a kind of a fake nose because he didn't want any hard edges. Because the character is an informant, but he is dishonest about all of his activities. So he's your narrator, but he's a very unreliable narrator. So you're telling me that that was a wig and you also had a prosthetic nose? Prosthetic nose. And then I had some things to put in my cheeks to kind of plump them out a little bit. I did worry about that. I couldn't really eat with the things in. But actually, we were in Decatur, Illinois. And every day after work, there were people who would come down to watch the filming. And I'd go and talk to them. And literally every day, somebody would come up to me and say, you are so much better looking in person. Stage fright is common. But Matt found out that meeting Bill Clinton comes with its own unique kind of panic. Probably one of my more embarrassing moments, maybe my most embarrassing moment in my life, happened in front of President Clinton. We went to Camp David to show Good Will Hunting. And Robin Williams was there. And after the movie, I had to go to the bathroom. And so I went into this bathroom facility. And the president was the only other person in there. So I went into the stall. And I really had to go to the bathroom. And suddenly, I couldn't. And Clinton wasn't leaving. Because it was like his first kind of peaceful moment of the day. So he's washing his hands. He's whistling. And this is going on. And now I'm getting really desperate. Right, right, right. And I'm like, come on, you son of a bitch! And now I'm thinking, I'm getting really self-conscious. I'm like, he's actually waiting to hear if I'm going to go. Hey, Matt, you having a little trouble in there? Yeah, nope. You know, I've been doing this a little longer than you, fella. I'll give you a couple tips. Yeah. Surely, being one of Hollywood's biggest stars means getting recognized everywhere you go, right? Well, that's not the case. We were making The Bourne Ultimatum. So this would have been 2006. Yeah. And my daughter was young. She was just a toddler. And we had her out in the park. And it was just Lucy, my wife, and my daughter, and me. And this young Spanish couple came kind of strolling down hand in hand. And they kind of looked over and saw me and kind of had an exchange. And then pulled out a camera and came over. And I kind of say to my wife, well, here we go. And I kind of come over. And the guy says to me, please, picture, picture. And I said, no problem. And I went over to his wife. And I put my arm around her. And he looked at me kind of in the international way that a man looks at another man. I realized right away that he wanted me to take a picture. First of all, here's what happened. I was talking to my hero, who was me in 10 years. He said, Matthew, you're going to host the Academy Awards. What I didn't realize was I was talking to myself in six years. And what I was actually saying is 10 years ago, you're going to win an Academy Award. So four years ago, my name was in the envelope. So now I don't know who I'm talking to. Matt has played plenty of believable roles over the years. But a salesman? Let's see what that looks like. So what we're going to do is you'll be selling a product like they do on QVC. You won't know what it is, but the audience will. Are you proud to sell it? Well, I am. Yeah, I am. That's great. I mean, some people use it more than once a day. Some people, some people, some people use it once a week. I mean, it's just kind of, it's, it's, it's, that's what's great about it is it's versatile and it's kind of very user friendly. Right, right. And when you use it, does it make you feel happy? Does it make you feel, how does it make you feel? Relaxed. And your wife also, she loves it. Well, that's who I heard, heard about it from. Then I think it's time you see what you've been selling. I have no idea what this is. That your wife, that your wife was so happy to tell you about. And that, okay, yes. And were you there the night that Matt met his wife? No, no, I wasn't. Because otherwise history. By the way, she would have, she would have ended up with you. You want to hear something really funny? This is completely true. After we'd been together for probably a few months, I think I met her, her best friend from high school. And, and it came out that the two of them went and saw Good Will Hunting together. And her best friend thought I was the cute one. And she thought Ben was the cute one. So she admitted to me, I'm like, you got the wrong one. Like, so she told me that 23 years ago. And I bet you that stays with you in a sense when Ben comes over. Well, I remember it now, Howard. Yeah, I mean, it's terrible. He has spent years transforming his body for the right roles. But his cat apparently got just as jacked without ever stepping into a gym. So we adopted this cat in Costa Rica about 10 years ago. He was living by himself in the jungle. He was fighting for his life every night. And we're staying at this Airbnb. And we start feeding the cat. And we were there for a month. And so by the end, we, we had to take the cat. Cut to the cat ends up with a brain, a brain tumor. I take him to the animal hospital here. And I meet the cat neurologist. This is true. The dude's name is Chad. I could load him up on steroids. And I go, what do you mean? He goes, I mean, I could give him like, like a bunch of steroids. And I go, are there long term issues with that? And he goes, yeah. Massive long term issues with that. But like, we can just see what happens. That was two and a half years ago. He's like Arnold Schwarzenegger. He's like, good morning. He's like got muscles on muscles. You know what I mean? He looks great. So that's my, that was my cat story. Sorry. Still with us. What was our friendship like in our Goodwill hunting era versus now? Much stronger. Few actors have been imitated by their fellow actors as often as Matthew McConaughey. Say, Mr. Soderbergh, is it about time to take my shirt off? Matthew McConaughey! That's all right, all right, all right. That was really good. Matt Damon, who you know, does the best impression on her. So does Matt actually nail it? Only one way to find out. Mr. Soderbergh, today's scene, I think it'd be a good opportunity for me to take my shirt off. Too bad they don't give an Oscar for blowing ass because Matt Damon would win every year. Go buy another zoo and live in it, born-eyed head. Hashtag no disrespect to Ben Affleck. Are you wearing yoga pants? No. He's wearing yoga pants. Thanks for watching.