Nobody Warned Me About Dutch Men | Emily Higgson

As an American, I live here in Europe now. I live here in Europe. I live in Amsterdam. Uh, when I first moved to Amsterdam, I kind of moved randomly. I mainly just wanted to get fucked up. Oh, and ups did I ****. Oh, I, there was this one night in college, there was one night in college where I got so drunk that I actually like peed in the bed. But I'll do anything if a guy asks nicely. I think I, I came to Europe with certain romantic expectations. Americans, we romanticize Europe a lot, right? Like, I thought I was going to move to Europe and I was going to meet all these sexy Europeans. Oh, Europeans are so sexy on TV. Oh, that's what I, Europeans have such sexy names too. All these Europeans, they have sexy names like, like Marcel. Oh, Marcel. Giovanni. Giovanni. Angela Merkel. She's here. That's what I wanted, right? I wanted to find a sexy European with a sexy European name, but I made the mistake of moving to the Netherlands and see Dutch men, very handsome, very tall, Aryan looking motherfuckers, but handsome. And the problem is that every Dutch man I dated had a name like Walter, boss, sort of names that sound like angry plumbing equipment. I, okay. I had the worst one. So when I moved, when I moved to the Netherlands, 18 years old, I started dating a Dutch guy with the worst name, the least fuckable name. I started dating a Dutch guy named Young Willem. What's your name, sir? Bjorn? Worse. That's something you put a baby in. Okay. Can we play, can we do like a little role play? Is that okay? Can we do a little role play? Do you mind if I role play with you, Bjorn? Do you mind if we do that? We can all do some sexy role play. So I want you to imagine, I want you to really imagine what it was like for me, what that was like for me. I want you to imagine what it was like for me to have to moan, to scream, to yell the name Young Willem while I cum. Okay. We're going to role play this. All right. So you get to pretend to be me. You pretend to be me. You're playing the role of me. Young, 18, just moved to Europe. Big tits, big tits. It's my fantasy. I can make it whatever I want. Show me, show me how big they are. Try swinging them around a little bit. You knocked him in the face. Oh no, he passed out. So you're playing the role of me and I'm going to play the role of Young Willem. Okay. I'm Young Willem. If you're wondering what Young Willem looked like, he was tall. That's it. He wasn't hot. I thought he was hot. Turns out, never saw his face. So I want you to imagine, I want you, we can all imagine. I want you to imagine, imagine you're me in bed with Young Willem. And you can feel Young Willem's strong arms holding you. Oh, he's so strong. So strong from all the cheese, I guess. And Young Willem, you can feel his skin on your skin. Oh, and Young Willem, he was super tan. He was so tan, he looked sort of like a British woman. You know what I mean? Like that, you know, that, that shade of tan where it's Love Island. That's the shade. Like if his skin could talk, it would say, hi babe, it's good to saw raw. That's what his skin sounded like. And then at that moment, he gets really close to you. You can see Young Willem, his face is right there. And you're like, oh ----, never saw that before. Okay. And you could feel his breath. And at that moment, I need you to do it. And we can all do it. We can all do it. I need you to moan. I need you to scream. I need you to yell, Young Willem, Bjorn, put your dick away. Wow. I want to thank you so much for imagining that. I'll be honest with you. I have to imagine it because Young Willem never made me come. No, not even, he couldn't find the G spot, you know, or as the Dutch call it, the spot. He couldn't do it. I, uh, I, I do, I, I talk a lot about sex, okay. It's a sexy night. I talk, I talk a lot about sex, which I, I'm not super comfortable with if I'm on it because I kind of feel like I'm lying to you, you know? Cause the truth is that me, I'm not good at sex. But Emily, you look like such a little slut. Thanks Bjorn. I try to be, I try to be slutty. I try to be good at sex, but I think, I think fundamentally the problem with me is that my body, my body was not made for *******, nor was it made for sucking. No, my body, look at this body. This thing was mainly just made to do the Macarena. That's sort of the primary function of it. I think the real issue, what happens is when I try to be sexy, it just looks, it looks a little bit scary. It looks a little bit frightening. Let's, let's play another imagination game. Let's do a little more role play. I want you to imagine me naked in the bedroom. Risk a boner if you will, sir. Imagine me, imagine me there sort of naked in the bedroom, waiting for you in the dark, my pale body lit only by the light of the moon. I'm there, crouched on the bed, long arms and legs, glowing like some sort of golem. You enter the door and you see this. Hello, Bjorn. And you might think, what, Emily, that's sexy. Thank you. In this case, if I'm naked, it's usually nighttime. I got my hair back. You see these bangs, you see this face, you see these bangs. That's a cool girl, cool girl with bangs. She drinks natural wine, listens to Tame Impala, cool girl. Without the bangs, it's a different experience. Without the bangs, it's sort of just a 16th century queen. Gonna lock you in a dungeon. **** yeah, the Renaissance. I try to be sexy. It looks so ******* scary. When I'm actually in bed with a guy, it gets worse. I'm in bed with a guy, right? And I try to be sexy. I do, I try to be sexy. I do the thing sexy girls do. You know, I get on top. You know, that's what sexy girls do. They get on top. They ride the dick. Take it for a drive. All right, so I'm gonna, I'm gonna get on top now. So I get on top of the penis. It's a big one. I get on top of the penis. And when I try, when I try my best, when I try my hardest, less flaccidest, when I try my best to be sexy, it looks like something from a scary movie. Okay, I just sort of start to bounce. And then my hair comes down like this. And I start to moan. When a girl, when a girl is really good at sex, you know, afterwards, the guy will say something like, Oh my god, baby, that was amazing. Where did you learn how to do that? That's not what guys say to me. No. After I have sex with a guy, usually he just says, Hey, Emily, did you watch The Exorcist recently? But I'm trying God damn it. I'm trying. I'm trying to be sexier. So recently, I decided that I was going to give my boyfriend a sexy surprise. Oh, a sexy surprise. Oh, I decided to give my boyfriend the sexiest surprise there is, you know, the sexy thing every guy wants. That's right. I decided to give my boyfriend a handjob and the crowd cool, some women really excited. Some men upset. I honestly I think the handjob is underappreciated. I love the handjob because the handjob is respectable. And it is professional. A pleasure doing business with you. I love it. So that was my plan. I decided to give my boyfriend a little sexy reach around handjob, you know, reach around from behind, you know, reach around from behind one of these like you're fencing. That's what I decided to do. I picked the perfect time, right? I picked the perfect time. So my boyfriend, right? He's coming out of the shower. Oh, he's coming out of the shower. Oh, he's all slippery and wet. Oh, he's covered in soap. He didn't rinse well. I get behind my boyfriend. Now's the time. Now's the time to be sexy, a little sexy reach around handjob. But I got to mention something. My boyfriend, right? He's kind of a bigger guy, you know, he's ******* thick. So in order for me to give him a little sexy reach around handjob, I have to sort of get a wide stance like this. And then I start doing it. And I'm thinking to myself, Oh, yeah, Emily. Now this is sexy. But then suddenly, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. And I realized, Oh, no, I look like a goblin. But I decide to lean into it. Okay, this is role play now. So I say, ah, young traveler, you must solve my riddles three. And when my boyfriend looked in the mirror, when he saw what I was doing, and when he heard me do the voice, all he could say was, Hey, Emily, did you watch The Exorcist recently?