Swimming Naked with Elizabeth Olsen Dear Chelsea

Okay, we're sitting here with Elizabeth Olsen. I'm so excited to talk to you. I watched Love and Death, I don't know how many times. I thought your performance, you and Lily Rabe together, that was Lily Rabe, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Your performance in that, because they did that show before with some other cast. They did, yeah. I think Jessica Biel, right? Your performance in that was earth shattering. You were so ******* good. I couldn't stop watching your performance. And I'm not some big ardent acting fan or something. I don't even, I just thought you were so, everything, every nuance and the subtleties of the way that you, I was like, I just couldn't wait to see you in more stuff. Oh, that's so nice of you. Whenever I see your name in something, I know it's gonna be good. That is so nice of you. I loved getting to do that so much. I had so much, I had the time of my life playing that part. So it's really nice when other people, I think you can tell if someone's having fun with something, maybe. But she was just a great character. And I felt like I could do no wrong in her shoes. And I, and I just love humor and drama. Like, I just think there always needs to be humor, no matter how dramatic something is. And I had so much fun with her. So it's- Because that's based on a true story, a woman who murdered her husband. For those of you who haven't seen Love and Death, you need to see it. And she murdered- On HBO Max. It's on HBO Max. Oh, thank you. Yeah, I forgot about that part. But it's based on a true story, but it is the unraveling. It is just the unraveling of a woman. And I mean, how do you even- Like, what did you- Are you a serious- I mean, you're a serious actress, obviously. Yeah, I take my job very seriously. You remember, you memorize your lines and go to work. Yes, yes. I do a lot of preparation. But would you consider yourself a serious actress? Do you like- Are you very serious when you are working? Yeah, I'm very serious, but I'm very playful. I feel like every year I've doubled down how much I love doing my job. And I come from so many different types of training that I went to, and so many different types of conservatories. And the fun part to me is the preparation and the discoveries that you have during that time. But I don't take myself seriously. But I do take everyone else showing up to work, I have to show up also prepared. And that's a form of respect to everyone else who's showing up to work, in my opinion. And so I like setting a standard of, you know, hopefully people aren't learning their lines on the day. But you get to set a standard sometimes in that way without verbalizing it. And I think that's just a form of respect for everyone who shows up to work. Yeah, I think that's nice. Yeah. So I guess I take myself seriously a little bit. But I also don't take the job of being an actor very seriously, like the other elements that come with it. Like what? Like speaking. Like I don't want to be a spokesperson for anyone or anything. You don't. No, I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to do it well. I get nervous doing podcasts because they're long. Yeah, okay. And I get anxious that I'm going to say something that will then, I think, is like great in the moment. And then afterwards, you're like, why does everyone care that I think people should go to movie theaters? Or not even that they should be there, like I would just want to agree. I don't know. I read that quote. What was the issue with that quote? I don't know. It's just how I conduct my own business is that I want to be in movies that are in theaters. That are in theaters, right. I'm not telling anyone they have to go to the theater. But who has a problem with that in the first place? You said that people should go to the theater? I didn't even say that. I said I only want to do movies that are in theaters. That are not just for streaming, right? Yeah, but like streamers are very important. Yeah, you're like streamers are great. Then release it in another way. Like that's an important part of it because we don't have video. I mean, I go to video stores, but like most people don't. So I'm not, I don't know. It's just, I always feel like I'm going to say something that I just, I'm not even aware is going to offend people. But also who gives a ----? I know, but I feel like that's how you've lived your career. But I think this is a good, like that just goes to show you how silly it is. You know what I mean? You didn't say anything wrong. There's nothing wrong with saying you wanted to be in movies that are in theaters. What's wrong with that? That's what an actor wants. But that's good practice to remind yourself that when there is backlash, it's usually, it's so nothing. It means nothing, you know? So you should be less worried about what, you're not saying anything wrong in the first place. Like, you know, I get it. I mean, you're pretty, you're a private person. You're pretty private, right? You don't have like a big public profile in terms of your personal life at all. No, and I want to respect that for you during this interview. Also, cause you're in a safe place. You don't have to talk about anything you don't want to talk about. But I love this conversation because so many people call in and we are women. So this is how women deal with stuff. But it's like, we all have to say this over and over to ourselves, who gives a ---- until it breaks through and it is inside of us, you know? Because it doesn't matter. Yeah. I think that's why I've always been drawn to everything you do is because it really feels like you don't give a ---- and you're also very intelligent and very- Thank you. And you're also like, you go to the ends of things. Like you have an interest in something that's small and then you go to the very ends of it and then you get to let us watch you explore it. And I find that to be so satisfying as someone who is a fearful person. And I'm kind of scared of everything, generally speaking. I am one of six children and I know you're one of six children. What number are you? I'm four. Four. I'm number six out of six. And same parents. Same parents. I feel like I know your parents. Do you have same parents? All six kids? Just the first four. Oh, okay. Okay, copy that. And then different mother for the second two. Okay. Yeah. And so do you think being number four out of six, so you're a middle child, but also a baby. Also a baby. So a middle child and a baby. Yeah, I really feel like the baby. You feel like the baby. Yeah, it's like 10 years of being the baby. Rebellious and less fearful. Yeah. Well, I didn't get that, Jean. I definitely, I watched, I watched, I observed, I decided what I wanted to do, what I didn't want to do. I was very clever with my parents about how they set precedents before me. And I held them to those precedents. Can you give us an example? You like sleep over at your boyfriend's house in high school. How old were you when you were allowed to do that? They, well, I wasn't. And I was, I was like, well, I'm either going to lie to you and tell you that I'm not, or you're going to know where I am. And I'm going to tell you that I'm doing that. Great framing. It's how I, it's how I spoke to them about underage drinking as well. Well, that's good. I was like, I, there's vodka in my room because when I go to parties, I want to bring my own. That's nice. It's actually smart too. Yeah. I didn't want to drink other things. And I, yeah, it first starts off as a fight, but then I think I'm being really rational. Well, you are being rational. That's, I mean, if you frame it that way, as a child to the parent there, what is the parent? I just watched that argument anyway. It's so responsibility forward. Right. So you were rebellious though. I was very rebellious. I'm still very rebellious. I have a problem with anyone telling me what to do. Right. I don't like that. Right. Which is why I wouldn't, I wouldn't be great on a movie set because of all the things that you mentioned about being prepared. I, I fly by the seat of my pants. So if someone tells me to memorize something, I'm like, you mean, like I'll, I'll spit it back out in my own verbiage is what I think. And they're like, no, no, these are the lines in the script. And I'm like the most people pleaser of a person. When you go to acting school, cause that's serious, you know, that can produce serious actors. Yeah, sure. When you go to art, like what are, what is something that you've learned or what are the things that you learn in acting? Cause you know, so many people go to school and then they're in a profession that they went to school for. And they're like, I didn't need to be like, I didn't need, I didn't even need to get that training. So what are some of the tools that you have acquired from acting class that you could share with us that you still use today? So much actually. Like what? Tell me, I'm interested. Uh, voice work where you place, where you place your voice, depending on the character, depending on the character's disposition, depending on like for Candy, for instance, in Love and Death, she, it comes up in a time where she's a very performative woman. So I use like way more, um, vocalizing of different registers in my voice that were more feminine than what I naturally rest in. And there's also like more of a sing song quality cause it's more pleasing as a woman in that time. So those are the kinds of things that you would start with. And dialects you, you play around with script analysis so that you're not repetitive in an arc, like those kinds of things, I guess. And so do you use a coach each time you go on to a different project or you just do this work on your own? It's a bit of both. There's a dialect coach named Sarah Shepherd who I've been working with for 15 years, and she's also a great script analysis partner. And so she and I sometimes have discoveries together. It's amazing how much, if you think about, you were just kind of joking about getting more in touch with, what did you say? Not the natural world, but you were talking about just getting in touch with like the spirit, the universe, aligning yourself with the universe. Yeah, yeah. So I feel that way about when you're trying to figure out how the character you're about to play, where they hold their breath, how they breathe, how deep are those breaths, where do they like hold their body tension? I feel like there's so many realizations that you have about people just in that kind of discovery that like make you feel aligned with like their universe in some like spiritual way. And I feel so much more comfortable kind of exploring as these other people interacting in the world, almost more so than myself at times. Let's talk about your movie, Eternity. Do you want to tell us how to, because I don't want to ruin anything by describing it myself. Sure. Give away anything. I'll try something. Okay, you try. Eternity is about an 89 year old woman who dies and ends up in the afterlife. 89 was kind of a number I just chose. I don't actually remember how old she is, but she dies, ends up in the afterlife. And her husband who died two weeks before her, who's her husband for 65 years, is there waiting for her along with her first husband who died in the Korean war. And she has to choose which husband she would like to spend eternity with. And it's a struggle. And it's a very big struggle because do you choose easy comfort that you know of 65 years or do you choose the path that you never got to take or do you choose something that's neither? And the thing that I loved is imagining this woman who I think by the time you're about 90, I'm sure like there aren't too many really big decisions you have to make. Like you've kind of made a lot of big decisions in the first half of your life and not the second half of your life and how shocking it would be to have to, and how overwhelming it would be to have to make such a big decision that's not menial tasks about like errands and taxes or something. And yeah, this is like the biggest, like it would kill her all over again. It does. It makes you think it's a very thought provoking movie because it really makes you consider what you yourself would do in that kind of situation. Yeah. First of all, do you believe in the afterlife? Do you believe that there is one? I don't. Nothing. I'm always wanting to hear about other people's experiences with spirits, with aliens, with afterlife, with religions. Because I find them to be so comforting and I would love to be comforted myself, but I am not comforted. I don't, there's nothing that feels exactly like that I can connect to, I guess. But I'm really happy for other people having these thoughts and dreams. I'm happy that other people are delusional and don't think there's an afterlife. It's really nice and cozy to think about it that way. I love, exactly. It's a comfort to talk about it when people talk about it. Because obviously we're never going to ******* know until we die. And we'll probably won't find out then either. No. But it is comforting to think that something does happen after. But where I lose it is, I believe in energy and I believe that energy doesn't die, right? You see, if you've met someone, they're in your heart forever, whether they're here or they're not, I believe in that. That's science, right? And we have a psychic coming on the show in a few weeks. So I just read her book and she talks about all these people who have near life or past death experiences or people who talk to you from, like if I ask my mom to show me an orange out of place, my mom's dead. If I ask her to show me an orange out of place, I'll see it within 24 hours. An oversized orange that's not in a grocery store. So I get that every time. It's when people start talking about reincarnation that they lose me. Cause I'm like, then that involves magic. That involves that, then we're putting a little potion, you're dying and then, okay, and then you're going to come back as this dog or this other person. Like when people talk about past lives. Did you ever see Glazer's film Birth with Nicole Kidman where her dead husband comes back as this little boy? I remember it because of her haircut in it. Yeah, she had a pixie. What's it called? Birth. Oh, Birth, right? Is it called Birth? Yeah, it's called Birth. Oh, how did I miss that? It was a while ago. I don't know. 15 years ago? Yeah, 2000s, early 2000s maybe. And so her husband's reincarnated as a little boy. And it's very, I mean, it's, she falls in for this little boy. Nicole Kidman, a grown woman. Debating whether or not she's supposed to be. Well, that's not the first time for her. She's always with little boys now. Remember last year's movie or that was two years ago? Was it like a seven-year-old? Well, listen, in one of those books, in Many Lives, Many Masters, is that the book? Have you ever read that book? Okay, Many Lives, Many Masters opens with this story about, correct me if I'm saying the wrong book. I think I'm saying the right book. It's a story about, it opens with a story about this boy who speaks a foreign language that his parents have never spoken to him. He's like three or four years old and he talks about having a wife and children in another country. And I think it's Italy or Spain. He speaks fluent Italian or Spanish, whichever the country is. And he talks about his wife and he talks about the village he lives in. And finally, the parents, after a certain amount of time, go and research it. And they find this woman who has two small children and lost her husband. And he's like, I'm her husband. So you hear stuff like that and you're like, oh, that is inexplicable. It is inexplicable. But also involves a lot of fairy dust and magic. Like the magic part is, and the reincarnation, I just find that to be, do you believe in that? I like the idea. I know you don't want to be reincarnated. I mean, I also like the idea of her going to heaven and you know, and there's elevators and people are working. You know what I mean? In this movie, like. But it's also, our movies are kind of nihilistic in the sense that it's like just like sell, sell, sell when you get to the afterlife. It's very capitalistic. It's just like a capitalist afterlife that has like belief in nothing. And there are different versions of heaven, right? You can say that part. Yeah, there's a lot of different eternities that you can choose. And some of them are like the workout world or there's the eternity where you can be infantilized for the rest of your life and pretend to be a baby and have a mommy. And there's that kind of world. There is queer world. There's clown world. There was a Studio 54. Is that what it was called? World where people could just do cocaine and not die. And smoke, smoke, smoke, and you'll never die again. Oh, that is fun. And that sounds like they would have a casino also. I could get along well there. Do you love casinos? I hate casinos. No, I have a residency in Vegas. I perform once a month because that's about as much as I like to work. And present company excluded, obviously. But I don't like the vibe. It makes me uneasy. I had to say, I spent the day in Vegas this last time I was there because we went to see Alanis the next night. And spending the day in Vegas makes me uneasy. I don't like to be there when the lights are, like when it's light out. I've only been once and I don't remember sleeping. How have you avoided Vegas your entire life? I mean, no one's asked me to do a one-woman show there. I'm not performing. Don't you have to do like press ever in Vegas? I've never done CinemaCon or anything. Luckily, no. I have very few married friends. Really? And if they're married, I met them married. Yeah. What about astrology? What do you think? What are your thoughts on astrology? So a few of them. So I think a lot of them sound, all of the signs sound like I could have a piece of myself aligned with each of them. Yet someone, Patty, who is with me today, who does makeup, she had a friend of hers who reads charts from Iceland. I sent her all the information, where you're born, what time of day, your birthday. I think that's kind of all you need for a birth chart. And she had said something to me that brought me to tears. It was so spooky. And she had made this like 13-minute voice message. And I journal every morning for the most part. And I've been doing that for a few years. And it's kind of where I have my own realizations about where I am in my psyche and my mental health. And I was having this realization a week before listening to this where I realized I just need to travel more. I am so fulfilled by traveling. And being in one place has never made me comfortable. I always want to be on the go. And I had that realization. And then she took like two minutes to tell me how important travel is for my birth sign just days later. What is your birth date? February 16th. Okay, I'm February 25th. Oh, interesting. But I love- So you're Pisces. I'm a Pisces, but you're Aquarius. Yeah. So that moved me. So I do believe there's something to it. I think there's definitely something about when you were born, what was going on with the planets when you were born. That kind of Assyrian astrology is probably what you did because I've done something similar to that. I don't like it when it's a predictor of the future. I find that to be nonsense. I also don't want to know. Of course. Yeah, right. I don't want to know either, really. No. Because then I'm going to make decisions that are affected by you just saying that sentence to me. And I can't adhere it now. It was like a friend of mine. She, I think, went to the same Assyrian astrologer that you use. Jade? Yes. But she... Is Jade the woman in the valley? It's a guy. Jade is a guy. But she was told by him, at some point in your life, you're going to break both of your ankles. So she, like, there's two ways you can go with this, right? At the same time? We don't know. So her reaction was, well, I can't do anything. I can't rollerblade or roller skate, can't do anything dangerous. I just have to be careful. So I don't. But he said, you're going to. So in my mind, that means go ahead and do whatever you want. It's going to happen one way or the other and get it over with. And? Well, she hasn't done it yet. She hasn't broken her ankles yet? No, so she's just afraid. It's a really fucked up thing to tell somebody. It's like, why don't you just leave that part out? Who wants to know about that? Also, like, now she's going to not do so many things that could create joy in her life. Yeah. So wait, talk to me about journaling. How did you get into the practice of journaling? I don't remember where it started. I think, I like writing. Yeah. Do you handwrite in your journal? Yes. Is that how you do it? Yeah. Do you think that's more impactful than writing, like typing it in? I think there's something that happens when you slow down your brain to write out a word slower than you could type it that I think helps you have new thoughts. Like you're not ahead of it. You have to be slower. And so I, it helps me like slow down how fast my brain is moving. And sometimes it doesn't work and it's completely scattered thoughts. But I started doing it. I don't know. I just started doing it every morning three years ago, along with jumping naked into my pool. Do you do that every morning? Yeah, I do. Oh my God, I love this. It's just, yeah, I don't heat it. Sometimes it's not that cold, but I love swimming naked so much. And I know you love taking pictures of yourself naked. I love to be naked. I mean, I like my underwear and bra on. Yeah. I don't like to be full. I mean, I don't have a problem with nudity, but I, yeah, I just want to be in my bra and underwear all the time. I want to be naked in water all the time. Yeah, naked in water is a nice feeling. Absolutely. Yeah, and smoothing through it. I don't want to just like sit in a cold plunge. I want to move through a body of water. So do you swim every morning or you just jump in? Just for like three to five minutes. I just slowly swim. So which order do these things happen in? Do you journal first or you get in the pool first? I get in the pool first. What's the very first thing that happens when you wake up? Do you brush your teeth first? I brush my teeth. I make coffee while it's being made. I jump in the pool. I do like a 80 year old calisthenics afterwards. And mobilize and stretching up blood flow. And then I journal with coffee. Wow. And I do a version of this even when I'm working. That's amazing. But it usually involves a bathtub that I don't swim in, but sometimes I'll still do the water part. Yeah. And how long will you journal for each morning? It depends. I try and give myself 10 minutes minimum. And what do you think that's brought to your life that you didn't have before? Enough like self-reflection that I think it's been helpful. Problem solving. It's been helpful making plans. It's been like for what I want or what I think I need. It's been helpful creating like trying to understand something that had happened or something that's happened to someone else and why they respond in certain ways. So I think it helps. It's to me a version of meditation and therapy while like trusting your own instincts in some way. But I'm so therapied as a person. You seem very together. I spent so much time in dog therapy and I started doing a new therapy that I've become obsessed with. What's this called? Somatic therapy. Oh, yeah. And I'm brand new. It's like truly only a month of a new thing. How does that work? Can you talk about it? Sure. I mean, I'm not going to do it well. Because it's so new to me. So maybe you can help me. But I was surprised at how... Is she your therapist? No, you do it. Yeah. I mean, there are certain, you know, exercises you can do mindfulness at. Yeah. These sorts of things. But at the same time, it kind of just feels like regular therapy. But when I started it, I found I had a real purge for it. Like every time I talked to my therapist, it was like purging, weeping, like every single time for like six months. Because somatic means your body, right? Your somatic therapy. Yeah. And so what's happening right now, at least what I'm experiencing, is they listen to whatever you want to speak about that day, maybe for like 15, 20 minutes until something in you is changing that you're having a physical response to. And then they want to talk about that physical response and basically give you tools and exercises that help your physical response that is connected to your brain so that you can at least help yourself have similar, like if there's something in a relationship that comes up and that makes you feel a certain way, whether it's like rage or overwhelmed, you talk about it and then you work on an exercise that helps try and rewire your brain's response that gives you the message to your body. Yeah, like soothe your nervous system. Oh, I see. So it's very activated. It's not just talking, like you're interacting with tools. Yeah, do you know what EMDR is? That's the tool. Oh, okay. It sounds like EMDR a little bit. I haven't done that yet. You change your reaction to something. It's like what you're saying. And like, if you have a traumatic memory, you go back to that memory while you're holding these kind of instruments. I don't really- They're like vibration. Yeah, and you reframe the way that you react to that response. So that's in the neighborhood of what you're talking about. Yeah, you seem very together and grounded. You seem very together. Well, I'm okay. I'm doing just fine. Would all the people that are closest to you in your life describe you as together? Yeah, they would. I think the thing that I'm trying really to explore now in work is like a wildness because I think I need that, especially as I get older. I think you become like more, I do at least, become almost like more responsible. And I kind of want to have fewer responsibilities and be a little bit wilder. Wow. And I can do that in a way with work. And like find an edge that I want in my life. I want to see you do that on screen. I would love that. Yeah. I mean, you are like that as an actress. You kind of, you can see that you're acting. Like, you know what I mean? I mean that in the best way. But I like watching people act. Yeah. So it's fun to me to get to like act instead of just be a version of myself and like be cool or something because I don't know how to be cool. But some people are really good at it, you know? And are really charming just being themselves. And I much rather like invent something else. That's the sign of an actor. We're going to take a break and we'll be right back with Elizabeth Olsen. Elizabeth Olsen! And we're back. Do you go by Lizzie? You go by Lizzie. I do, yeah. Okay, Lizzie Olsen. Okay. Okay, Catherine, what do we have in store for us today? Well, we're going to start with Dustin. His subject line is gunkle with mean girl nieces. Wait, gunkle? Gunkle, gay uncle. Gunkle. So he says, Did you wish for more gays, he says? Probably. I love these kids with all my heart and simply want them to be the beautiful human beings I know they can be. As the childless by choice uncle, do I keep my mouth shut or try to push this more? I don't get that much quality time with my family, so I try to be easygoing and conflict avoidant when I'm around them because I'm a middle child. I know you're equally obsessed with your nieces and nephews. What should I do? Best, Dustin. We've got him here. Hi, Dustin. Hi. Hi, how are you? This is our special guest. Elizabeth Olsen is here today. Hey. Hi, Elizabeth. Hi. Hi, Chelsea. Hi. Are you, are you, you have nieces and nephews? I do. They're very, very little though. They're very little. Yeah. But I also, I, I don't know. I, I'm really scared of. Conflict. Of conflict myself as well. But I also don't know how to give other people advice on parenting if they're not your kids or like, like you can only just, I don't know. So that's kind of, that's kind of the first thing that I was thinking about. Yeah. It's pretty tricky. Even though you are an uncle, like, you know, you can only really talk to your, is it your sister or your brother? It's my brother. I mean, can you, can't you have an honest conversation with him about, cause like bullies have been bullied. So someone bullied her, right? Like, and it's an important conversation to have with young girls. And she literally went as a mean girl for Halloween cause I feel like she emulates and like idolizes that. Uh-huh. Well, I think, okay. First of all, you should, I mean, would you feel comfortable having a conversation with your brother about it? So you should do that first. Just be like, we can't have her grow up to be a mean girl. So as a team, this is a team effort. You know what I mean? You join forces and you're like, okay, listen, let's do this together because I don't want, you know, she dressed up as a mean girl. That's a little bit of a red flag, blah, blah, blah. Like we don't want her to look at that as a guide for anything. And then the other thing that you can do is demonstrate how cool it is to be a nice girl. Like you can be blowing those, you know what I mean? You can be talking about women who are supportive of other women and you can instill that in your time with her without being preachy about it. You know what I mean? Just by talking about other women and women helping each other. And like, you know, nobody wants to be excluded. Nobody wants to be left out. Like all of those themes are, I mean, that's what uncles are for, you know? That's what an aunt and uncle role is. It's not like it's someone else's kid. You are related to her. They're not necessarily going to say, you know, I mean, it is a little preemptive what you're talking about, but I understand what you mean. And I think you just have more conversations around it. You know, how important is to be a nice person to other people, to care about other people and putting yourselves in those situations. Because sometimes when you are growing up and you are young, you are just like, you're looking to the future as like, you're not even understanding the experience you're in. You're looking forward so much to what is going to be, right? And actually taking the time as a kid to think about other people and how things make people feel. And when her feelings get hurt, to also take those moments, you know what I mean? As a teaching moment to explain to her, you know, to remind her because nobody wants to feel excluded or left out or bullied like that. So I don't know if any of that's helpful. I feel like you should just start having the conversations around it. I think so. Well, now I'm going to have to because they're going to hear about this podcast. Yeah. I also think like you're the cool uncle, so they're naturally going to gravitate toward you, want to know what your opinions are on things. And what I like to do in these sorts of situations is like have one-on-one conversations with the kids and like, what's going on? Like what's happening in the friend group? Like what's the gas right now? And like, act like you're very interested in it because it is kind of interesting. And it's all sort of high school or, you know, junior high at that age. But when they start telling you about specific situations, that's where you can kind of get into the nitty gritty. Like I had a niece who was saying like, oh, this one girl in the friend group said something means we're all ganging up on her on Snapchat. And I was like, well, you know, we had a conversation about it. And I think she made some different choices because we talked about it, but it wasn't in the sort of schooling way. It was like, oh, tell me what's going on. Like, what's the gas girl? I think it's really helpful with what you said that I'm still learning with people in my own life is that are grown adults, like trying not to just focus on what maybe you shouldn't be doing, but highlighting the examples, like you're saying of the role, this is an example of something positive and showcasing that as opposed to what not to do. Yes. And sometimes people need to learn, the framework matters, I think. Always applauding the people that are doing the way you want her to behave, whether it's Taylor Swift and all the wonderful things she does, with her money, or whether it's an actual person that you see doing something nice for another person and pointing it out. She's obsessed with Taylor Swift and is loosely named after her. So I think that's a great role model example. And also, like, it's also a warning shot. It's like, be careful who you're not nice to, because you never know when you're going to run into that person again in your life, and you're never going to know if they're going to have an opportunity to help you once, or you might need something from that person. Like some people's brains work better, like with almost like a threat. You know what I mean? Because what's that saying in Hollywood? Like, be nice to the people on your way up, because you're going to need them on your way down. Something like that, right? Like, it's true. Be careful. Like, you know, you never know how people are going to come in and out of your life, or when you're going to need a favor from someone. So there's also that tactic, depending on what her personality is like. So those are a couple of ideas anyway. We're still learning what the personality is, but she's definitely super precocious and outgoing. But good for you for having your eye on it. Precocious and outgoing is all fine. It's all fine. You know, like, that's good. And those things, it can end up as strong, strong assets and will. But definitely be active about it. Yeah. Okay. All right. Will you follow up with us if you have a little conversation and get some hot goss about what's happening with the 11-year-olds? I will. I'll let you all know how they respond to this. Thanks, Dustin. Nice to meet you all. Bye. Were you bullied ever growing up at school? No, my husband hates me talking about my elementary school experience, because I had just the loveliest high school, elementary school. That's nice. Yeah. I mean, there were definitely, like, we, for the most part, all got along. And there are probably a few people who don't feel that way. But out of 50 people, and then 120 people that graduate, we all cared a lot about having a cumulative high GPA. And we cared about supporting the basketball team and the basketball supported the arts. And it was a very, yeah, like, we would go to rehearsal, and then we'd go to the basketball game. Basketball players would go watch all of our ballet performances or whatever it was. Well, there's community again. Yeah. And so I just, I had a really positive experience. That's amazing. And so let's talk about why that is important, community right now, in this time that we're living in, with regards to America. I don't know if that's what you were talking about, politics. I feel this way about the political situation. For me, it's about actually the things that we have in common that aren't politics. Right. Like you, like a bunch of people going to their local theater to watch a bunch of kids perform in like a Halloween show or a Christmas show. Like my friends in Sonoma, I live there part-time. It's like my way of having a life that feels like it's part of a community. It's very, it's very community oriented. Being a second homeowner there was very hard to kind of slip in and be, and ingratiate yourselves with the community. So we started off like bartering and trading. Like genuinely, we're like, we have grapes, who wants them? We don't want them. We don't want to do anything with them. Who can, like, we'll trade with you. You guys have it and then be our friend. And our friends have like a movie night once a month that they curate at the square theater that's a private theater. And those kinds of things, I just think are really important for people to get together and have something else in common. Whether it's, but I also feel the same way about sports. I'm a big Dodgers fan. I can't say I'm a big baseball fan, but I think I am because of how much I love the Dodgers. Congratulations on winning the World Series. Thanks. I love those boys so much. And some of them are men, but a lot of them are boys. And I'm so happy for them. It was very surprising. And I just think when you, you just don't know what people's political points of views are when everyone has this other thing in common. Yes. That brings them together. Meaning, are you referencing the Dodgers? Yeah. I see what you're saying. Yes. Yeah. I think it's really important to, right now, it's really hard to not label people. Yeah. You want to label people. Also, people are choosing to label themselves a lot of the time. Right, right. We have a lot of identifiers now. Uh-huh, exactly. And they just become more specific. Yeah. So it is important for us to remember that I really need to find ways. I know personally, I need to find ways to be more open-minded about not being so preoccupied with the political landscape and more focused on the individual person. Yeah. I have work to do on that. I love what you're saying about— it's funny when you say about community. That's how I felt when I was in Spain. There's a community there. I'm not even really part of it, but there is a community there. It's the same guy at the coffee store every morning. It's the same guy at the bike shop. And so when I was reading something you were talking about before you came in, I was like, yeah, we need a community reminder. We need a community update. Yeah. And we can't do it from our phones. No. Yes. That's creating siloed experiences. Not actual interaction. Right, right. You need to be in person with people doing something that is absent of politics. Yeah. So getting back on a more human level. And I think people just have more rituals in other countries than we do around that. And especially in-person rituals. Yeah. We were talking a little while back about the third space, how we used to have the local bar you'd go to or the Moose Lodge or church, and people would meet in these communal spaces that were not work and were not home. And we just don't really have that anymore. And suddenly it's like online is the third space, but it can't actually be our third space. But it's the place where a lot of people are spending most of their social time. Yeah, yeah. It's not effective. Yeah, it's not healing. It's not healthy. Well, our next caller is Amy. Dear Chelsea, I'm a 41-year-old single mom of two running my own business, juggling kids, pets, a mortgage, and about a thousand responsibilities. I've been divorced for over a decade, tried just about everything in the dating world, apps, speed dating, matchmakers, even a few ill-advised trips back to exes. And I've been truly single for the past two years, partly because the apps are stupid and exhausting, partly because my kids are in every sport known to humankind, and partly because I lost faith in men, especially with the current political climate. Here's the thing. I want connection. I want a partner, someone to share the joy and the weight of this full, messy, beautiful life with, someone who makes me feel cared for, loved, and special. But dating feels daunting. My small town is a red pocket in a blue state, the kind of place where you find guys holding a fish in their profile pics, and you only get five matches if you want someone educated. As a Japanese woman with a unique name and a career that requires some privacy, putting myself fully out there online feels complicated and uncomfortable. So how do I start fresh? Do I travel to meet people? Am I overlooking ways to connect and meet people? Or should I just lean into the single life and adopt more dogs? I do want to be surrounded by animals when I retire, so maybe start now. Amy. Hi. Hi, cutie. This is our special guest. Elizabeth Olsen's here today. Hi. Nice to meet you. Well, it sounds... Where do you live? I live in Southern Oregon, just across the border of California. Yeah. I mean, listen, the world we live in, you do kind of have to put yourself out in ways that are not normal. You know what I mean? Putting yourself out there if you are interested in meeting someone. First of all, I would say I understand your disappointment in men. Most women are disappointed in men these days. It's not unusual. You're not alone. Yeah. I can't even believe men. You know what I mean? Yes. So I'm an advocate for remaining true to myself first and foremost. If someone were to come along and blow my socks off, absolutely, I'm down, but I'm not actively looking for it. But I think if you really are, then you should own it, and you should put yourself on the apps, and you should go outside of your comfort zone and out of your community, and just find any ways that you can... Hiking groups, biking groups, tennis groups, whatever you're into, just engage yourself and set a period of time to actually activate yourself to go, okay, for the next six months, I'm going to focus on finding somebody that I can connect with. Really put all your energy towards it, your free energy, because it sounds like you have a lot going on, but your free energy towards it, and get... Yeah, go and travel. Get out of there. Are you far from Portland? No, it's about four, four and a half hours drive. Yeah, go there for a weekend and sign up for things that are going to be intersex. You know what I mean? Where there's like my friend, she just got divorced, and she went on all the apps, and she loved it. She's like, oh my God, this is so exciting. This is so exciting. And then she just joined a bunch, and she lives in Portland, actually. And she joined a hiking group, and the next two weeks later, she was dating this guy. She's like, oh yeah, we're dating. So things like that, where you are forced to meet and engage new people, because you'll probably meet some really cool friends too, you know? So I would just say, I don't have any problem with the apps. I just feel like it can be daunting for a single person to be on apps. It's kind of depressing. You know, I know what you mean about men holding fish. Like, I don't know, I don't know who told men to do that. Like, why are they holding a fish in their profile? How many women want to go fishing? Not a lot of us. Not a lot. I would love to go fishing. Or bathroom pictures, women pictures. Would you love to go fishing? I was taking private lessons. Oh my God, oh my God. She's already married, so we can't set her up with a fisherman. Yes. Well, and I go fishing with my kids already. So, you know, I do things for my kids, but do I really want to do that when I'm not doing it for my kids? Not really. No, but I do think, like, I think it's important when you want something in your life to say it, write it down, keep, like, you want to change the energy around it, you know, like the subject matter. You want to meet someone, write down exactly what you want in them. Not physical necessarily, but what are you looking for in a partner? What are you looking for in connection? And really reminding yourself, spending time with those thoughts a little bit every morning when you wake up, whether it's journaling or just writing some affirmations or devote some area of your life to putting energy towards meeting somebody and see what happens in about six months. Because, I mean, this is the first step. You called in to see about this. And, like, I think things change and your energy changes up when you start to take active steps towards something, you know? Yes. Yeah. And I like that you said put a time frame on it, because it is daunting to be just out there, you know, for the foreseeable future. But if I say six months, I'm going to prioritize this, that feels more doable and not like hopeless amount of time. Right. So because when you don't meet somebody or when you go on horrible dates, it's like, what am I doing? I could have stayed home with my dog. Totally. Yes. I mean, I've just been learning to enjoy my company more and more and more as I get older. I really have a good time with myself. And I'm sure you feel the same way. So it's great that you know that that's an option, too, because if in six months you have not met anyone worthwhile, then you can really just start focused on being by yourself. You know what I mean? You can be like, OK, I made an effort and I did. I tried. And then see what happens, you know? And get another dog. If I don't meet anybody in six months, I get another dog. I think that's your reward. That's the answer, really, for everything. It's just to get another dog, you know? Yes. Yeah. But I'm glad you have a good attitude about it. And you have a good attitude in general. Like, you know, that's fun. Thank you. Yeah, totally. All right. Well, thanks for calling in, Amy. Thank you. Thank you for having me. Bye. Good luck. Bye. I want to go to Oregon. You guys are so good at this. Oh, God, thank you. I love watching you do this live. Wow, really? Oh, my God. Thank you. Yeah. How many times? So quickly and so easily. Well, most people, don't you think about this? This is how I think about this podcast. And I say it all the time. Sorry if you're listening to me and repeating myself as usual. But I think, really, all you ever need when you have a situation is you need someone who has nothing at stake in your life to give you their opinion, like, objectively. And that's what this is, you know? You just need someone else's opinion. Yeah, they don't need to know any other details. They don't even know about your past. They just need to know about one thing. What is this situation specific? Right. What's the context of the situation? But I would never think about joining groups like a biking group or a hiking group, whatever it is. I just think that's such great advice for people to go and meet people in person instead of it feeling like this thing that's so removed from them on their phone. Yeah. I heard this thing the other day with the apps. It's like, of course, the apps are a business. They're meant to keep you on the apps, not necessarily to help you find the person. And, like, I read recently, they basically, like, siphon off the good people. They're showing you kind of the crappy, the crappy ones. So you stay on it for longer. Well, and I had a friend that told me that you can pay to be put in front of people more. But then you're like, is she desperate? Because she's paying to be put in front of people? Yeah, she was explaining this to me about how it's such a business, basically, and how fucked it is. Yes. Aren't you happy you don't have to deal with this? Yeah, I don't know if I would be. I don't know how to do it now. I do enjoy being on other friends' apps. I like that, sure. I find it kind of entertaining, but that's because I'm so removed from it. I like to go through my sisters, you know, and just respond to her, from her to other people. I love doing that. I love that. I'm so much more invested when it's someone else rather than myself. Are we going to take a break and come back again? Yeah. Okay, we'll take another break. Do we have one last question? Yeah, so I think this is a quick answer, even though it's a little bit of a longer email. So Stella, her subject line is, one foot in, one foot out, and I'm paying double rent. Dear Chelsea, I'm 27 years old, and in my first year of practice as a lawyer, I met my boyfriend in law school. From the moment we started seeing one another, he was very casual. He made it clear to me that he was not looking for a girlfriend, did not see himself having kids, and was very, very career oriented. At the time, I was okay with taking things slow and being casual. Since we were both in law school, this made sense, and I was also not desperate to get into a relationship. I had not given kids much thought and was focusing on my career. After six or seven months of casual dating, he officially asked me to be his girlfriend, and we've been going strong ever since. Now we've been together for three years, and I'm starting to wonder whether casual for him is a permanent state of mind rather than something temporary while he was going through law school and figuring out life. What I thought was a slow, intentional foundation for a deeper relationship is starting to feel more like a bad omen, one where I'm getting strung along until I finally reach my limit and walk away. Everyone around us is moving in together, getting engaged, having kids. Meanwhile, we hardly, if ever, talk about the future. When I bring it up, he brushes it off by saying every relationship is different. When both of our leases were ending last year, I suggested moving in together. At the time, I was living alone, and he was with a roommate. He told me he wanted at least one year of being on his own before he could be comfortable settling down. I respected his wishes, although it was a bit frustrating to realize we're spending most nights together anyway. It feels like we live together just with twice the rent. This is annoying. I know. Since then, there has not been a follow-up from him, no renewed conversation about eventually moving in. I'm trying to give him grace. I'm trying to be patient, but with every passing month and still no real conversations about where we're headed, I keep asking myself what he's doing, and more importantly, what the hell I am doing here. What are you doing? My best friend's older sister was in a relationship with a man from the time she was 22 years old. When they broke up just shy of her 30th birthday, she told me, never waste your 20s on a man who does not see a future with you. It does not take anyone a decade to decide whether they want to be with you. Considering I've been with my partner for the greater part of my 20s, I cannot help but wonder if I'm failing to take her advice and I'm doomed to make the same mistake. So Chelsea, what do you think? Am I ignoring the writing on the wall, or am I just being impatient? Yes. Stella. If you can't have that conversation, I don't think it's worth your time if he isn't there to show up just to have the conversation about it. Yeah. Agreed. It's over. It's three years. If you love someone, there should be no problem talking around anything. You should be able to talk around marriage, or about marriage, around marriage, around moving in. All of those things, you shouldn't be scared to bring something up. And you shouldn't be campaigning to be someone's choice. No. It's like you're trying to figure out what he's... Like you decide how you're treated by people in this world, and you're devaluing yourself by remaining in this relationship when you're not getting what you want. If these are all the things that you want that you've stated, that you want a partner that you're going to live with, and you want a family, and you're like, I don't like the compare game. I don't care that your friends are getting married. Who gives a ---- what your friends are doing? You have to figure out what you want, and then get that. But also, don't lower your level of respect for yourself. If those are the things you want, and you're not getting them, you must walk out the door and go find somebody who's going to give them to you, because somebody will happily be there for that. Yeah, I also think that when you're in these relationships, the thing that you keep going back for is the crumb. Really, what you want is just the full ******* meal, and all they're doing is giving you a crumb to keep you along for a certain amount of time later, until they realize they need to give you another crumb to keep you along. And it just sounds like you get stuck in that cycle that you can't really see the bigger picture. And then you're just addicted to that game. It's even the way she framed, like he said, I was his girlfriend. He started calling me his girlfriend. It's like, that's also your decision. Why does he have to decide when you're girlfriend or boyfriend? You're my boyfriend. You know, the whole framing of this letter makes me think that you, what's her name? Stella. Stella, you need to actually spend some time alone and build up your self-worth. Like, because I want you to like respect yourself in a way that you aren't going to tolerate this behavior from anybody. Yeah. Any man. You don't need that at all, period. You want somebody who's obsessed with you, who's like excited to be with you. Not too obsessed. Healthy, healthy obsessed. If you don't want to talk about this, you don't have to. Do you have a cute engagement story about how you got engaged? Was it romantic? Yeah, I think it, I mean, it was romantic in the sense that, I mean, one of the reasons I loved Eternity reading that script is because I really think of my husband as a Larry who will die in his nineties choking on pretzels. Like my husband is incredibly neurotic, very uncomfortable all the time. Always has something wrong with his anything, like his coccyx, his like his pinky, like, and he actually has things wrong with him, but they're always like this like 1% odd thing and they have real diagnoses. But so he then like tells himself all the stories. And so when we got engaged, we went to this place in Northern California in Inverness and he was acting just in, he was just so annoyed there wasn't like a cheese board. He asked for a cheese board and we got there and I was like, you've never cared this much about a cheese board before. And he was freaking out. This place had a wood burning fireplace. It was massive and he couldn't start a fire. And he was like, what kind of man doesn't know how to start a fire? He was just so mean to himself trying to figure out how to get this fire going. It was like, it's embarrassing if I had to ask somebody to get a fire. And then it was like 30 minutes later, he proposed when we were outside, but like he needed there to be a cheese board going in order for it to feel romantic or something. But the way, and then also he like tried to go down on his knee, but we were on, oh, he's gonna hate me saying this, but it's fine because he's charming. But we were on this wood dock. So he like goes down on his knee and he's like, oh, sorry, this really hurts. So it was just the two of us. Like there's not a single photo. Like it was just so lovely. I loved it so much just because it was him and all of his like, yeah. Did you know you were gonna marry him? Yeah, we talked about it. Like, I think it's crazy to not know if you're about to get engaged. Well, no, I mean, how soon, how soon? It is. You know, like what? Yeah, it's very unexpected. So unexpected that I have to leave. But how long after you started dating him, did you know for sure you were gonna marry? Like, was it quick that you knew? Yeah, and I didn't know I'd even want to get married or have kids or anything like that. But after a year of being together, I was actually renovating a house when we first started dating. And I sort of realized six months in that we'll probably move into this house together and wanted him to be a part of making choices. So it didn't feel like my space and it felt like our space. And I think after living with each other for a very short period of time, it was, I mean, he's truly the most comfortable person to be around and the greatest support in my life. And he's so sweet and funny and clever and smart. It's very funny. And yeah, his goal every day is to make me laugh, which is also annoying when I'm mad at him. But he does it very quickly and early in the morning. It's really annoying often. Oh, that's really sweet. Yeah, he's great. So I knew pretty early and we talked about it. Well, this is a nice way to end the podcast, talking about a nice, healthy relationship and a nice, straight man in the world. Yes, he is. He's a really good person. That's good for our listeners to hear about. And I'm glad, thank you for sharing that with us. That's sweet. And I'm happy that you have such a good man. Yeah, he's a sensitive, kind, very, like communications, everything. Yeah, no, that's very nice to hear. I was just thinking about Miles Teller and in the movie and Calum, Caleb, Calum. His accent was good. He did a great American accent. I was attracted to him in that movie. I was rooting for Calum. I was like, this guy is hot. I don't think I've ever seen him in anything. I know who he is, but I was like, yeah. Okay, Nicole Kidman. I mean, it's funny. It's nice to have two men in a movie and you'd be the center of attention. I mean, they really wanted to get John Early to make them, like they wanted to make John Early laugh the whole time. So it really didn't feel like they wanted my attention unless we were doing the scenes. Oh, I see. They truly were just trying to entertain John Early the whole time. Got it. Yeah, John was really enjoying it. Well, he's in the movie too, everybody. It's called Eternity. It's out in theaters now. Go to the theater and see a movie, everybody. Go to the movies. Thank you, Elizabeth Olsen. Thanks for having me. Oh, it was such a pleasure. I really enjoyed this. So great having you.