Daily Habits for Raising Godly Boys Focus on the Family Parenting

Great teenagers are made at 3, 4, and 5 years old. Teach your kids to respect authority, and if your kids are being defiant or disobedient, or they're not doing what you told them, you've got to hold the line. And whether that consequence is a timeout in their room, or they've lost the sweet treat they were going to get, or now they don't get to go on the outing, or whatever you deem appropriate in your home, you've got to hold the line. This is all over Scripture. He's got the Ten Commandments. He is a just God. So we are not doing our young sons any favors by letting things slide. How can moms help their boys have a stronger, deeply rooted faith in Christ? What are the habits that moms can help their sons with? Well, I have Molly DeFrank here with me. Thank you, Molly, for being with me. Thanks for having me. Excellent. She's an author, speaker, and mom of three boys, and so excited to go deep into this topic with her as a very practical tool for you as parents, a practical conversation to go into. The way I want to start this, Molly, is what are the daily habits that boys need to begin having that closer walk with Christ? And as you're thinking about that, here's a verse I was just reading recently, and that's Proverbs 30, verse 5. Every word of God proves true. He is a shield to those who take refuge in him. And a lot of boys feel like they need to be the strong ones, the superheroes. It starts early. How does a mom help a son get those habits going without nagging to get to a place of feeling this, that God is my refuge, He is my strength, and every word from Him is true, and I want it. That's such a good question, such an important question. And truly, training up and discipling boys to be godly men really has to start with a robust motherly faith. So it's really about mom making sure that she's prioritizing her own walk with Christ. But under that umbrella, a really interesting piece of data I read, 68% of Christians in the United States credit their mom's faith. It's the biggest influence on their own faith. So moms, we have this tremendous influence that we wield, and you asked about daily habits. I would say, you know, preach the gospel to your son. It sounds so basic, but do it multiple times a week. One of my favorite times to pour into my kids is on the drive to school. We probably have a 10 or 15-minute drive to school, and I'll have one of my kids read either the verse of the day or we're going through a proverb or a devotional, and then we just talk about it. And then we pray together, and it's really great. But setting up that habit, or maybe your school ride is quicker than that. Maybe you want to do it at bedtime, or maybe you want to do it before dinner or at dinner. Whatever, but just create in your son's heart this rhythm of turning to God, of learning from his word. You know, we can't just leave it to the church, and we should be going to church, but we can't just leave it up to the church to completely be in charge of our son's spiritual formation. They are with us seven days a week, and they're at church an hour. And so we need to be constantly pouring in. I think another really important thing is to share appropriate struggles and wrestling with our kids. If you're wrestling with—I talk about this in the book a little bit. One of my frustrations is I'm pulling up to the school drop-off line. I see someone is using it as a parking spot. I'm trying to get to three schools, and I see this mom get out and walk out of the car and give hugs. No, no, this is not a parking lot. Sometimes I'm showing I'm irritated, and I'll have to say—I've had to show this in real time. You know what? I'm really frustrated with this woman because she's not being considerate, but she's a child of God, and I love her, and she's my neighbor. I love her as myself. Lord, give me patience for this woman. And so even narrating that struggle with your own issues shows kind of a pathway to get from our flesh to the life that God calls us to. Yes. So, I mean, three key words that you brought up there are—one of them is influence. And so I want to park on that one for a moment. What does it look like to influence from a mom's perspective? How does she maintain that influence? So, you know, at the beginning, there's tremendous influence from a mom, right? From zero to three, tremendous. Time spent with the son, the correction, the distractions from things that they may be getting into that they shouldn't, and then giving them a solution to that and an alternative, and helping guide them those first three years key to spend that time and having yourself regulated emotionally. Then you go into the preschool, school age years, and influence gets a bit challenged now because there are friends that are coming in that are also influencing, and teachers, and maybe there are some shows or other things that are starting to come in there. Then you hit the preteen years and influence gets even more washed down from a mom's side. And then teen years, there's competition there. And so how does a mom maintain that top influence? What does that look like in a practical way from a mom with different temperaments in front of them and just connecting differently with each of the kids they have? Yeah, well, our role really does change, as you point out, and that's a good point. That when our sons are really little, we are that almost drill sergeant, for lack of a better term, but we are their authority, and they need to obey what we say, and it's important that we require them to do so. But as they get older, it's going to be in their teen years, they're having that natural autonomy that's kind of built in, and they should so that they can fly the nest one day. But it's so important when they are young that we are building up those relationships with our boys, because the influence we have in their teen years and in their adult years is relationally based. It's not going to be authoritatively based as they launch. And so what we want, what we aim for is that they're going to come back to us as they get older and ask us for advice, because they've seen that our faith is authentic. They've seen that we care so deeply about their hearts and their minds, and they know they can trust us with their junk. And so they want to come to us. So that's the goal. That's the hope. Yes, yes. And you know, what I've seen moms do at each of those stages is regulating their own emotions well. The moms that end up going into the panic mode and very reactive tend to begin to lose their boys. But the mom that comes in pretty confidently, not in an angry way, but is able to sift through the behaviors and the emotions that are popping in the boy and aren't intimidated by that, but say, hey, I really want to connect with you here. Clearly something's off, or things are going in this direction. I want to know more. And you're entering the conversation with curiosity, with anticipation, and really wanting to know the core of who that boy is. They pick up on that. And especially into the teen years, there's still going to be correction. But like you said, the relationship sets the groundwork for that opportunity to have that influential platform to say, son, that was not a good decision. What are you doing? And you're able to ask that question. And they're able to know, yeah, I don't know. And they have these moments of reflection. So as a mom, you're not only asking those questions, but then you're also, I've noticed my wife do this. She says, have you prayed about it? Have you gone to God about this? Have you read in scripture about this? She has been constantly pointing our son and our daughter to Jesus. And when a mom does that, not in a way that's shameful, like you're not doing this. She does it in a way that's saying, man, you're kind of missing out on something there. It would be really good for you. And I'd love this for you. There's a sense of wanting to do it from a boy's point of view. What are a couple, two, three, four questions that you would recommend moms ask their sons to get to know them a little bit more deeply in their soul? Because we're talking about the spiritual development. And it's not a behavioral development. It's a soul development. What are some of the questions that maybe you ask your sons that helped you penetrate a little bit more deeply and got the conversation at a deeper level? Yeah, one that comes to mind immediately, and this is maybe a little bit more for the kids who are more verbal, a little older, seven plus. But how do you think God sees you? That was a really impactful question a friend had asked me. And I asked my boys this question because it really gives a glimpse into, you know, are you feeling down? Are you feeling ashamed? Do you know that God delights in you? Jesus paid for your sins. So he's looking at his perfect son, and you're his child, and he loves you. But sometimes it helps to verbalize. And I think a lot of us on a bad day will say, oh gosh, I feel like he's side-eyeing me. He's annoyed at the things I'm doing wrong. And that's a good glimpse into the heart of your son if he feels like that. Because then you can reassure him. You know you're fully known and fully loved, right? And maybe he is calling you to fix this thing or to ask for help with this thing. But you know you're fully known. You're in. You're in God's family. That's the belonging side. Yeah, exactly. So I also have like probably four pages of conversation starters. Excellent, in the book. With your boys in the book. Yeah, just because it really is all about connection. And you had asked earlier about, you know, what can moms do on a day-to-day basis? It's amazing how basic the connection points are. And that's why I wrote this book. Because I want moms to know that they're already, like in the day-to-day, the care you're giving your son. That you're changing him. You're feeding him. You're putting him to bed. You're picking him up when he's crying. You're already reflecting like the love and care piece. But it's just a few additional things you can do. You know, crank up the eye contact when you're just enjoying your son. Or you know, increase the amount of words. They actually studied the gap in achievement. They studied what is causing this gap in achievement for young kids. And they said it's there's a 30 million word gap that kids are hearing between zero and three or not hearing. And that explains the difference between how kids perform in those lower grades in school. So it's just talking to your kids. It's just making that eye contact. And then asking them the questions. The fun questions. The when's the last time you laughed really hard? What's the last thing that made you just spit out your drink laughing at? I think those are really fun because we're just getting to know them. And then the more we invest in that relationship, the more they're willing to kind of share the stuff and like lead out. And say like, I had a bad day today. Oh, that's great. I do think that boys want to open up if given the right opportunity to do so. And so when you're asking these questions, it could get a part of them moving as far as, oh, well, yeah, we can talk about this. And in a mom being present with that, that could mean grabbing your phone and putting away from you because it is a temptation, especially for a lot of, I mean, it's moms and dads, but I've seen a lot of moms that are checking either calendar or coordinating things or social media. And they're wanting to look at that. Not able to put that down when their son is trying to share something. And so if you find yourself in that place, just maybe get in the discipline of putting it to the side. So your son knows that you're giving him undivided attention and that will help him open up to you. And even if he's quiet and you put your phone down, he knows, oh, okay, mom's putting this aside. She's opening up the highways for communication. And he will see that you are wanting to connect, even if it's quiet, don't be intimidated by that. Sometimes side-by-side time, sometimes just sitting there hanging out together can open up the opportunity to have conversation. Know that boys love side-to-side time. Moms, if you have young boys building Legos with them and starting to talk about just life in general can lead you into those deeper conversations. If you're going for a walk or riding bikes together, that can lead you into those deeper conversations. It doesn't have to start off that way, but the more you invest in that, the more that your son is going to be vulnerable and dig deep and bring it out and try to do that. Especially if he sees you articulating that as how Molly's saying, they will mirror that and begin to share more verbally about their life. It's not a natural skill for most boys or for most people. You see that model, but less so for boys. Boys just don't know all the words to express their emotional world, their more vulnerable side. There's a lot of threat to that. And so moms just, as you're listening in, instead of immediately going for correction or pointing out what they should have done, take it in and ask questions. And as you're absorbing it, continue to ask questions. So what do you think about that? What do you think should be done about that? And you help them take some ownership over the vulnerability they just shared. So Molly, the next question here is really, what does discipline look like from a grace perspective and also from a firm side of things? So this is the authoritative parenting style where you bring high levels of warmth and sensitivity and high levels of expectation with boys. What does that look like in a very practical way and from a biblical worldview? Yeah, I think it looks like, especially when our sons are little, I remember hearing it. So I think my friend and our pastor's wife told me, great teenagers are made at three, four, and five years old. That's right, yes. And so one of the things she meant by that was, teach your kids to respect authority. And if your kids are being defiant or disobedient, or they're not doing what you told them, you gotta hold the line. And whether that consequence is a time out in their room, or they've lost the sweet treat they were gonna get, or now they don't get to go on the outing, or whatever you deem appropriate in your home, you gotta hold the line. And really doing them a favor because I've had to tell kids before, we've had lots of different kids come in and out of our home, our foster parents. And I've had to tell a lot of kids like, so this problem now of not caring about authority, the consequence is small. But if you don't put it to death and stop, it will grow. And it will grow and grow, and you can get expelled from school if you don't listen to the principal. And then if you leave school and you commit a crime, you don't listen to the police, you can wind up in jail. And so really kind of explaining the natural consequences for shirking authority. And this is all over scripture where God says, have respect for God and obey his commandments. This is what he expects of all human beings. God will judge everything people do. Ecclesiastes 12. It's like, this is all over scripture. He's got the 10 commandments. He is a just God. So we are not doing our young sons any favors by letting things slide. Again, like you mentioned, the gold standard here is that authoritative where we're warm and firm. Yeah, so hard, so hard to do. Molly, one of the things that is just important to think about is the fact that social media has highlighted gentle parenting, kind of permissive parenting in a big way, just to take care of people's feelings. And also to the kind of this cool side of things, you just let your kids do whatever they want and they'll figure things out. And somehow it became cool for a while. Now I think people are starting to argue against it. It's interesting in Proverbs 29, verse 15, it says, the rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother. Interesting. And culture has gone to this place of trying to make our kids happy that somehow we have ownership over their emotions. And we don't own their emotions. A child will evaluate how they want to evaluate it through their emotions. You could have a child super happy to go grocery shopping and the other one absolutely angry. It's the same thing, different emotions that have come out from a child. So if you're trying to make everybody happy, you can't do that. So really, I know gentle parenting began in its origins as an authoritative parenting style. They just wanted people to come in with grace first and then bring correction. Somewhere they lost the correction side and it was all about grace. And there's nothing biblical about that. I mean, right there, it just shows that all throughout scripture. So from a mom's point of view, how can a mom be firm and maintain respect with their son and bring that warmth and sensitivity where they don't get stepped over? And then on the other one ignored because all of a sudden we're at war. How does that happen? Yeah, that's good. And I'm glad you brought that up because there is this cultural lie that tells us that, you know, either happiness is the ultimate goal or that we should follow our feelings. And that's actually super enslaving. Yes. Because our feelings are completely fickle. Yes. But when you follow God, then in spite of your feelings, then you know that His way is always better, A. And B, He works all things out for your good and His glory. So why would we not do it that way? And to be a slave to... I mean, it's really as old as Eve in the garden. Seeing something she wanted going, I know God said no, but I see that looks good and I want it. So I'm going to take it. And that propensity is in all of us. It's in all of our hearts and in our son's heart. So I really think the key is from when our sons are so young, giving them that biblical worldview, teach them about creation, fall, redemption, give them context for the sin in our hearts, give them context for our identity in Christ, who God is, how He is perfect, that He has a great plan for us, but we're called to obey Him. And everything kind of falls into place. Like there's context for everything in life when you see the world that way. So it's amazing how many things can be kind of traced back. And even in the conversations with my oldest son, he's about to turn 15, and I'm starting to see so much fruit coming to bear of these seeds that I had planted in him really early on. And I have to laugh when I look back when this kid was two, three, four, he was wild and crazy. He was such a hard toddler. And I was just beside myself. And if I could just give my younger mom self a glimpse of this kid who is such a diligent French horn player. He's such a, he's so good at what he does. He's a straight A kid. He loves God. He's got good friends. And I just, just to encourage moms that keep doing what you're doing, stay faithful to God. When you feel frustrated, don't become enslaved to those feelings of defeat. Just trust God. Like he will make beauty out of your efforts and the seeds you're planting. So I would just say, preach the gospel to your son, prioritize your faith and prioritize your relationship with your kid. I love it. Molly, thank you so much. And great insights, great practical ideas for parents to be thinking about, especially moms in this case. And moms, what I encourage you to do is think about one thing you're going to do differently today as you're thinking about your sons. Now let's say you're in a situation where your son is just not listening to you and you're having a hard time with him. Like Molly said, don't give up, be persistent. You're penetrating a heart and there may be a hardness there, whether it be because of issues outside of your home, whether it's issues in your home, whether it's decisions he's made with friendships and other things that are creating that hardship. There are many, many reasons why a boy may be struggling. Pursue him, don't walk away from it out of intimidation or out of just giving up. Your son needs for you to pursue him. And if you're having a hard time taking it very personally or there is conflict that is super hard to get past and maybe it turns pretty explosive, seek a counselor. You can also go to your pastor. But as you pursue your son, if you ask the question, son, what's going on? I'm concerned about you. I'm worried about you. Or you're taking the time to just be with him in planning things. As you're patient with it and persistent with it, you will see that investment, the fruit of that investment over time. And as Molly was saying, if you can start early, that is amazing and incredibly rewarding down the line. And if it's something that you just couldn't do, maybe there was a divorce or other things that happened and you've been all over the place, just busy and trying your best. And yet your relationship is in a poor place. Today's the day you can just press reset and begin something different. And maybe you say, hey, son, I'm sorry. And maybe there's some things that need some repairing there. There's always a new starting point that can start. And be praying for that. Pray for your sons every single day. If you have a community of people that can be praying for you as you guide your sons in this world, that's even better. As you're coming together as a community of moms, as a community of parents, guiding your kids towards a thriving faith in Christ. Hey, thanks for being with us. And again, we'd love for you to subscribe to this channel. It gives you access to all the videos all the time. And also it really does help us here focus on the family in this channel to have you as a subscriber to our channel. Just increasing that helps us be seen by more. So do that with us. And in the comments, let us know what you're doing intentionally with your boys. Again, as a community, let's learn together from one another. Have a great day. I'll see you again soon.