What Selena Gomez Taught Me about feeling Not Good Enough

What's holding you back from doing it? That I'm not good enough. That's something that I felt a lot of growing up. If even a global superstar like Selena Gomez can feel this way do we even stand a chance? If you resonate with this and you feel like no matter what you do, you're just not good enough, like you don't quite fit, remember. If you are broken, you do not have to stay broken. Let's first understand what the problem is. Not feeling enough often starts with conditioning. Childhood, cultural and societal. It builds slowly through repetition. For example when Selena was still a teen she was constantly criticized which slowly chipped away at her self-worth. I had been told I needed to look better, that I needed to dress cooler, that my tour was kinda lame and I was trying to be someone I wasn't. Additionally, because Selena started acting at just 7 years old much of her childhood took place in a professional environment one built on constant competition and performance. When you grow up in spaces where praise only follows achievement, your brain can start linking being valued with being impressive. Over time, that can make you believe that your worth depends on what you accomplish and not on who you are. One way you can be conditioned in this way is through pressure and expectations. As you can imagine, Selena felt immense pressure growing up under the public eye. Not only was she criticized a lot, she also felt a big responsibility towards the children who were looking up to her. Being a Disney Channel star made her feel like she always had to be a perfect role model. But even when she started breaking out of her Disney Channel era the pressure didn't go away. She even had to stop a tour due to the immense anxiety and depression caused by the lingering feeling of never being enough. She opened up about her struggles in an interview with Vogue magazine, saying So, if you are conditioned to believe your worth depends on your accomplishments that can make your brain put pressure on you to perform in order to keep you safe. So, pressure and expectations are put on us externally first, and then we internalize it. One really sneaky way this kind of conditioning can make its way into our lives is through these devices we carry around all day. Let's talk about comparison and social media. One of the most dangerous things for self-worth we do every day is consume social media. We scroll through our feeds and see highlight reels that our brain takes as reality. Selena's been open about this too. At one point, she was the most followed person on Instagram and said it was destroying her self-image through an unnecessary amount of hate and comparison. When you already doubt your worth, social media is gasoline to that fire. The algorithm rewards comparison. And the more you scroll, the worse your self-esteem gets, which makes you scroll more. It's a loop Selena eventually broke by literally handing her Instagram over to her team and deleting the app. I haven't been on the internet in four and a half years. What does that do to detox your life? It has changed my life completely. I am happier. I am more present. If you also struggle with social media use but cannot afford a team to help you with it, I made another video about social media addiction where I share what helped me manage my use. And I will link this video here somewhere. I wanted to take a moment to briefly look at the effects low self-worth can have on our lives. Because while some effects are obvious, others took me years to connect back to it. And honestly, most of them are interconnected. It usually starts with self-doubt, that constant second-guessing, even when you're actually capable. And from there, we tend to cope in one of two ways. When feeling not enough, some people try to numb it by distracting themselves. That can look like endless scrolling, gaming, binge eating, or even substance use. Anything that keeps us distracted from our inner turmoil. The other common response is the complete opposite, trying to outrun the feeling of not being enough. You overcompensate by working harder, achieving more, or trying to please everyone. This often shows up as perfectionism, where you set yourself impossible standards in order to prove your worth. Selena seems to lean in this direction. I grew up anxious. I felt like I needed to perform and I needed to be the best I possibly could be. And with perfectionism, often comes chasing external validation. Rates, promotions, relationships, experiences, all in a pursuit to feel better inside. And then there's people-pleasing, which I'd call perfectionism applied to relationships. It's when you try perfecting your behavior to gain others' approval and protect yourself from criticism or hurt. You overgive, say yes when you mean no, and feel uncomfortable receiving love because you don't fully believe you deserve it. Selena's hit Lose You To Love Me beautifully captures that realization in these lyrics. Although these lyrics refer to a relationship, they reflect a broader pattern. Many people-pleasers tend to overgive, especially when they encounter someone who takes advantage of it. I find these lyrics especially powerful because they show that awareness often comes after distance. Another side of low self-worth is self-sabotage. Low self-worth often comes with a strong fear of failure, which makes us procrastinate or avoid opportunities altogether because if we don't try, we can't fail, right? It's a way of staying safe. This also ties in with a lack of resilience, because low self-worth can also impact our resilience. When we don't believe in our value, even small setbacks can feel like proof that we will never be enough. We give up quicker, even if we might've achieved what we wanted if we had tried just one more time. And of course, all of this bleeds into mental health. The anxiety, the depression, the hopelessness. All of these awful states can be caused and fueled by the creeping sense of never being enough. Now, as a hopeless optimist, I don't like complaining without thinking of solutions, so I collected some practices for you that help with improving your sense of self-worth. Some of these are general, and some of these are tips from Selina herself. Challenge your inner critic. This practice might sound too simple, but trust me, it works. Whenever that harsh voice starts up, notice it, label it, and don't engage in the argument. You don't need to argue, just pause and recognize that voice for what it is, an old defense mechanism trying to keep you safe. Then, reframe. Ask yourself, what is a more truthful, kinder way to see this? For example, instead of thinking, I always mess things up, maybe try, I am still learning, and that's okay. With practice, this tiny shift literally rewires the way you think about and talk to yourself. Selina learned to shift her inner self-talk too, and she was shocked when she revisited her old self-talk through the filming of her mental health documentary, My Mind and Me. I mean, it's weird being able to see myself so long ago saying those things that I would never say to myself now. If it's accessible for you, surround yourself with people who see your worth. They can help you challenge your negative self-talk, and meet you with the respect, love, and understanding you might have lacked growing up, which in turn conditions your brain to believe that you are valuable. Personally, I surround myself with really beautiful, wonderful people, and it doesn't mean it's a lot of people, it can be a handful, but they make me feel seen, and they make me feel accepted. Also, if you don't know anyone like this in your real life, there are online support groups that can be very helpful too. Selina credits dialectical behavior therapy with helping her unpack triggers and building healthier coping mechanisms. I'm a very deep believer in DBT, which is dialectical behavior therapy, and that's something that I hold close to me, and a lot of those skills are things I've learned, like RAIN, you know, which is recognize and allow your feelings, investigate them, and then nurture yourself. Things like that will kind of re-pop into my head, and it's reassuring, but sometimes I just have to let myself feel it, and let it pass. But don't panic if you don't have the resources to start therapy. Start from where you are. For example, there are RAIN worksheets online that you can fill out by yourself. That might be a first step to unraveling those thoughts. Also, in my experience, it can be very helpful to journal about what triggers your not-enough thoughts, because writing forces your brain to slow down and think in a more structured way, which tremendously helped me in the past. Another practice that really stood out to me from Selena was self-acceptance without judgment. In one interview, she said she doesn't think she's the best singer, but she didn't say it with insecurity. She said it with calm honesty, adding that she sees her strength in storytelling. You have all this incredible singing success, hit after hit after hit, and yet I heard you fairly recently tell someone, oh, I don't think I'm the best singer. Yeah, that's true. You don't, what do you mean? I think that I'm great at storytelling. I think ballads are my strong point, and I think it's important to understand where my strong points are, and to, you know, develop a skill in a way where I'm still learning about my voice. My voice changes, but I truly believe that I can convey a story through my voice, and I'm very proud of it. It doesn't necessarily define anyone as a better singer or a worse singer than me. I don't view it that way. I think everyone has their strengths, and I'm a huge fan of following all of, like, the powerful women in music who have their own individual style, and I would just say that I have my own style as well, but I think that was simply said not in a negative way. It was just more, this is where I feel I'm best at, and that's okay. I found that very inspiring. Instead of being ashamed or defensive, she looked at herself with curiosity, acknowledged her strengths and limits, and still felt secure in her identity. That's a mindset shift that can really help when you struggle with not feeling enough. You don't have to be the best to be worthy. You can still recognize what you bring to the table, even if it doesn't look like everyone else's version of success. The bottom line is, we are all just people. We all have our strengths and weaknesses, and we all have the same amount of innate value. That also means that you are not worth less than somebody else, even if it might feel that way. Sometimes, instead of trying to squeeze ourselves into who we think we should be, we have to take a step back and see ourselves for who we really are. And maybe, it's not you who has to change fundamentally. Maybe, you can change things to fit you.