The Best Father's Day Jokes

Nice, nice to be here. I, uh, coming off six days with my in-laws and, uh, my sister-in-law's got a kid that I don't really see eye to eye with. He's five years old. So we all went out to dinner and the kid comes from behind me and slaps me in the neck. Now the parents are right across from me and they're like, oh, now the strike was so violent. If I ever did that as a kid at a restaurant, I'd be removed from the restaurant. I would have a talking to outside and then I would return to the table, a brand new kid. That's an Italian immigrant father beating that into your head. Respect your elders. Respect authority. Don't trust nobody. Okay, take it easy. Me and my father have a very adversarial relationship growing up, but very open. Talk about money constantly. That's all we did was talk about money. To this day, he comes over to my house. He's constantly asking me what I'm, what I'm paying for stuff. Like an hour into the visit, he branches off from the rest of the family. How much, how much you pay? Now I got to give him the parent price. You never give your parents the full price. They'll have a heart attack in the living room. I got to shave 80% off so he could absorb it. And he can't even take the parent price. I go, I don't know. Is it 400? You can make a Samsung TV set. Constantly talking about money. My father, my, my, my, my wife's family, they don't talk about money to this day. My father, he knows what I make. I know what he's got hidden. Every time this man goes on vacation, he calls me. He thinks he's going to die on vacation. He goes, listen, just in case anything happens on vacation, you're going to get a treasure map in the mail in three weeks. And from a big old Midwestern family, I'm one of eight children. You don't see eight kids a lot. I think it's it's because it's the wrong choice. It's um, it's too many. Eight is too many. You can't love eight kids individually. You can't, you manage them like a sports franchise. You know, like you love the overall team, but you'd trade a couple players for sure. So we all have the weirdest individual relationships with our parents and my family. Like me and my dad are in kind of a fun spot right now. Cause my dad is a doctor and I don't have health insurance, which is fun. Cause he's like, I don't believe in your career. I'm like, same here. The unfortunate truth is when I lost my health insurance, my dad kind of became my go-to doctor. That's not an awesome relationship to have with your primary care physician. Cause me and him have to have medical talks and he's like, you should drink less. And I'm like, you should hug more. Let's treat the root cause, not the symptom. I don't know. It's, it's odd if you grow up like in a, in a medical family, like with doctors or nurses at all, you never go to the hospital. Everything is treated in home. No one believes in the American medical system less than the people who work in it. It's crazy. I got stitches two times on our kitchen table. That's a medical malpractice. That, that wasn't a sterile environment. My dad just cleared off the mail and was like, get up there. It was also how I was conceived, but old habits die hard. You know, I didn't think it was weird to not go to the doctor, but I, I, I never went and I didn't know how to act when I finally did. I was 22 years old before I went to a non my dad doctor. This guy comes in, he's like, do you smoke? I was like, are you going to tell mom? Be cool, dude. Don't be an arc. Everyone asked me if I want a lot of kids cause I'm from a big family. And I don't know, I guess, well, like romantically, I'm pretty far from that financially, not even close. I mean, I'm not, I worry about money all the time, despite looking like I was homeschooled on a yacht. I, um, I know, I know. Um, I do, I worry about, here's where I'm at financially. I'm not destitute, but I stay in a lot of hotels that don't have overhead lighting, like no light switches. These are all, it's like just lamps. And these aren't good lamps. These are like old lamps. These are lamps that you have to turn on the creepy way, you know, where you got to go up the skirt. Well, why'd we commit so hard to that technology for selling? You really got to get up there. And even when you hit the spot, it doesn't always turn on the first time you get up there, you hit the spot and the lamp's like, do that again. Like, I'm just trying to read before bed. No, I'm hard. What the hell? Oh, would you like to use the bathroom at night? No problem. You just got to make this lamp come first. And they're not all the same. Some of you have to twist, some of you have to push, some of you have to choke. That's weird. Some have a little string hanging down, but that typically means it's a bad time. Tampons. Yeah. Um, so that's where I'm at that level of hotel romantically. I'm fine. I'm doing fine. I'm thinking about fingering lamps too much for sure. But I'm out there. I'm just like, I don't know. A lot of people were talking about the apps. I just, I have a little vendetta against the dating apps because I just saw my cousin on Tinder, which is not what you're looking for. And we had to see each other in person like five days later. And she was like, Tommy, I saw you on Tinder. What if I had accidentally swiped right? I was like, we would've matched balls in your court, Courtney. You guys, you guys doing good. Must be nice. I I'm doing all right, I guess. I just went back home. I went back home recently. I got to see my parents argue live. They, they still got it. You know, they're good. When, uh, when I was younger, my parents used to always argue. I used to always take my mom's side and my dad, he'd be like, when you're older, you'll understand. But right now you don't know what I'm up against. And I feel like when a black guy says, you don't know what I'm up against. It's the same as like when a white guy says he's fighting demons on the inside. And in both, in both cases, they're not fighting anything. They're just not having sex. That's all. I think guys just stay paranoid when they don't have sex for a long time. And, uh, now that I'm older, I get it, you know, cause if I don't have sex for a while, I'm like, somebody is behind this. Yeah. And then when, when it does happen, a woman does offer to have sex with me. I'm like, who sent you? You know? Yeah. But I did, I went back home. It was fun. I got to hang at my parents. It was nice. But sometimes like, sometimes my parents and I will do like the same thing coincidentally. And they'll mistake it for like bonding, which is sad cause it's, it's not, you know, like, like the other day, my dad, he went into the fridge, he grabbed an apple and he was like, you want an apple? And I was like, sure. And he was like, man, this we're, we're so similar, dude. Like father, like son. Yeah. I was like, nah, I grew up, uh, I grew up in an African household. African households are hard because you could get beat for no reason. I got, I got beat because I turned 10 years old. That's, that's true. I went up to my dad. I was like, dad, it's my birthday. I'm getting taller and stronger. He was like, you threatening me right now? I remember like one day my brother sat me down and he was like, no matter what happens at home, you can't tell people at school that you get hit. Cause they'll, they'll take you away and they'll give you like a new family, you know? So immediately I told everybody, I went, I went into the counselor's office the next day. I was like, I want a white family here with like a four, but they called Foyer and they, they got like a beach themed bathroom. You know, I, I was specific. I was like, I want the type of white family that has like a small dog with bad eyesight, but a good heart. And she was like, I'm just going to call home and tell your dad to stop hitting you. And I was like, you don't know how this works. I love kids. I love kids. They're so much better than adults. So much better. I'm in a good place too with my kids. I'm doing a perfect, I don't have, I'm done raising them, which is awesome. They're nine and six, which is great. I'm not even kidding. They don't need me anymore. Nine and six, forget it today. They don't even need, you see their Christmas list. It's not even toys. It's like appliances and furniture. I think they have an apartment in Detroit. Ridiculous. Ridiculous. Just let them be. And look, I'm with my kids for what? Another nine years. Another nine years. That's all we got. And then they leave. Let's have a good time. I'm not even disciplining them anymore. Just let them have a good time. We'll split as friends. It'll be a good thing. Right? I want them to look back and be like, you know what? Dad was cool. I really liked him. He was a lot of fun because they're not going to say that about their mother. So they might as well say it about me. No, it's true. She wakes up just angry. She's so fried. Her eyes open. Did everybody do what they're supposed to do? I'm like, well, what were we supposed to do? I was asleep. And I know we're supposed to back each other up like a united front against these kids. Right or wrong, you back your spouse up. That's the rule. But my wife was so off the charts, I can't do it. I'll lose all my credibility. The kids and I just roll our eyes all day long. She's like, did everybody put the towels away? Now get to bed. They're like, dad. I'm like, I know. It's not like it stops when you go to sleep. Trust me. I got four more hours of this. Dad's getting no respect. That is over. That is over. When I was having kids, I figured, well, I'll be like my dad. I'll be the king of the castle. I'll make people and rule them. That doesn't exist. That's an old version of dad. There's a new kind of dad now. Now you're part mom, part dad. It's ridiculous. My father used to take naps on a Saturday afternoon. Just used to lay out in the middle of the playroom. My mother would freak out. Get out of the house. Your father's sleeping. Get outside. It's your father. I try and sleep. People are poking me in the face. Literally opening my eyes. Are you awake? Are you awake? We need you to hook up the Wii. Hook up the Wii. Hook up the Wii. No one knows the remotes. Hook up the Wii. I have a child. I have a little baby. Yeah. Okay. That's enough. I was like, oh, a Latino with a baby, man. It's the law. We need to have one. No, I love my child. It's so much fun. It's just like I'm new at this. So I'm still trying to figure out what kind of dad I want to be. You know, the only thing I'm sure is I don't want to be the kind of dad who's like a friend with his kid. You know, I feel like I can be his friend because I'm his mom. What kind of friend did that to you? Just a horrible friend. It's like, I love you. Good night. Then go to the next room and f*** your mom. While you're sleeping. I don't think that's fair. I'm trying to save some money because I have a baby. I didn't think about cryptos. Anyone here have cryptocurrencies of any kind? Oh, thank God. I just hate that s*** so much. It's just making me so angry. Shut the f*** up. No, no. Thank you for saying because now everyone is pretending that they never heard of it because it's going down, you know? No, I hate cryptos because of this. Because I'm from Latin America and every time I was making any kind of money, people was like, oh, that's not real money. You have to make dollars. Dollars is the thing. Then I moved to the U.S. and people were like, no, no, no. Now you have to make cheat coins and flip coins and why you keep moving the goalposts for me? Why are you making this s*** harder? I'm gonna stick to pesos. I think pesos is the best currency. Pesos is number one. You know why pesos is great? It's because it's the only currency that we put a bunch of zeros to make us feel that we have more money. Have you seen how pesos works? It's great. You go to the store and you're like, hi, I have five thousand million pesos. Give me a coke and nothing else. Thank you so much, guys. Have a great night.