The #1 Thing That Made me See My Wife as ‘The One’ | Relationship Advice for Women by Mat Boggs

What is it that makes a man see his girlfriend and think she is the one? Is it chemistry? Is it just beauty? Is it the way she makes him laugh? While those things, of course, matter, they aren't what truly makes someone want to commit for life. And while I can't speak for all men in all places throughout history of what makes them commit, today I'm going to share the real reason I knew my wife was the one. And I believe it's probably not what you expect and will absolutely have value for you on your journey of love. And so, number one, it's not what most people think. A lot of people think that a man chooses his lifelong partner because she's the most beautiful woman he's ever seen or the most fun person he's ever been around or the most exciting woman that he's ever met. And so, here's the truth. Yes, beauty matters, right? Beauty pulls us in. My wife is beautiful. And connection keeps us interested. The fun, all of that. We want to be with someone who's a best friend. We want to be with someone who's fun. However, commitment happens when we experience something much deeper. The first thing that my wife did, okay, is that she actually declared herself the one for somebody. And it was untouched to me, but I love this because she helped me see her as a potential the one, but definitely not someone that I would just hook up And we were both dating other people, both kind of exploring, looking for love. I was in a phase where I was happy dating and I wasn't sure when I actually wanted to settle down. So, she's beautiful. We're connecting. End of our first date, she goes, you know, I'm tired of just kind of casual dates. I'm actually ready to settle down and find my person. It's got to be somebody really special and I don't know who that is yet, but I feel like I'm ready. And what she was actually trying to do is she was actually scaring me off. She was trying to scare me off if all I wanted to do was have a hookup. And I remember because I was kind of in this dating casual phase where some of it was hookups. I was also open to meeting somebody special, but I was right in the middle. And I remember thinking in that moment, okay, she's clearly telling me that she's not just someone who just wants to hook up, that she wants someone special. And I moved her in my mind into that category of like, let me then begin to assess my interactions with her on the grounds of is this someone that I think I could grow a long-term beautiful relationship with. And that changed everything. It changed how I approached the interactions. It changed how I began to date her. She positioned herself in my mind as the one for somebody. I didn't know if it was going to be for me or not yet. We're still discovering that. And I knew she wasn't considering me the one yet, but she said, I want this in my life. The second thing that happened was there was a really special experience that I began to feel when I was around her. And this is one of the reasons that I knew she was the one is that I could be myself with her. I could be fully relaxed. And the truth is, I loved who I was around her. Around Irene, I am funny. I am interesting. I'm adventurous. I'm actually the version of me that I want to be when I'm around her. And here's what's crazy. She views those ways, right? I'm safe to be who I want to be. I'm funny, not because I am some great comic. So I was hanging out with a bunch of skeletons last week and I noticed something. They don't like to fight. And I thought, why do they not like to fight? And then I realized they don't have the guts. I'm funny because she likes my humor. She gets my damn corny jokes. I'm adventurous, not because I love base jumping. I'm adventurous with her because she loves the ideas that I come up with and she's up for them. She helps encourage me in that way. I'm interesting, not because I'm some intensely fascinating intellectual. In the words of Stephen Hawking, intelligence is the ability to adapt to change. But because she loves my ideas and she loves to hear my stories. And so she helps bring out the best of me, the version of me I want to be. And There's psychology around this. In fact, Dr. John Gottman out of the University of Washington, they have research and it shows the strongest relationships are built on a foundation of trust, which creates emotional safety. And so at the end of the day, a guy is going to feel attraction for many women, but the one he commits to is the one who helps him feel safe to be his true self. Because the love that lasts isn't about perfection. It's about connection at the deepest level. The number one thing that helped me see that she was the partner for me that I wanted to spend my life with wasn't just that we were having fun, which we were. It wasn't just that I was crazy attracted to her, which I was. It wasn't just the connection that we felt like on the values level. It was how I felt when I was with her. In other words, that emotional safety to feel accepted for who I really am. That's what men crave. And I knew because she was accepting me for who I really was, that I could win with her, that I could be the kind of partner that she wants. It's so important for your man to know that he can share his thoughts with you, his fears with you, his dreams with you without fear of judgment, without fear like he's going to be tested or criticized if he says the wrong thing, but that he's going to be supported and loved because he's sharing with you his authentic self. In fact, studies actually show that when a man feels emotionally safe with a woman, his brain releases oxytocin. And you and I both know that's the bonding hormone that emotionally bonds him, feels connected, feels more loyal, feels more deeply attached in this relationship. This is what fully accepting your man looks like contrasted when we test somebody, have them prove their love to us. Instead of her judging me or saying I shouldn't feel a certain way, she created emotional safety. She listened. She validated my experience. She supported me as I was doing the same for her. Sometimes people will test other people's love or they'll say like, if you really loved me, you would. If you ever say that or ever hear anybody saying that, know that that's a toxic phrase that actually pushes the other person away. That's testing love instead of creating an agreement for what you would love together. Instead of saying my wife was great about saying, hey, here's the kind of relationship I want to be in. Not if you really love me, you would do it. That's manipulation. But this is what I would love. And then allowing me the opportunity to step into that love. Here's another example. Sometimes people will say, well, let me see if my partner notices how upset I am. And I'm not going to tell them. I'm just going to see if they're in tune with me. That's manipulation. That's testing, right? Instead of just trusting that the person cares about you. And if they're not responding in a way that you want to respond, ask for what you want because nobody is a mind reader. My wife did an amazing job of bringing things up when they were bothering her so we could work on it. Instead of canceling plans last minute to see if I would get upset and chase her and fight for her, which some people do, they have low self-esteem. They want to know the person's going to fight for them. She trusted that I'm going to be consistent in showing up for her. And so, she would also keep her commitments. And that shows a respect for the relationship, that builds trust in the relationship. Another example is instead of ignoring texts for hours to see if I really care, if I'm going to pursue her, text twice, text three times, she trusted our communication enough to respond quickly, knowing that I would respond quickly. And if I didn't, it was because I was in work or in a meeting or some other thing going on that I couldn't. It was open, honest connection, open, honest communication. Or instead of making me prove loyalty by trying to create jealousy and flirting with other guys, she trusted that my actions, consistent, leaning in, showing up, showed my commitment, showed my love. So, she didn't create these situations to test my love, to test my faithfulness. Instead, she watched what I was doing, my words and actions matching, and then she appreciated those things. She trusted that was enough and she celebrated me. And that created this feeling of peace and stability in the relationship. Because love isn't about making someone chase you. It's about creating a space where you both feel at home with each other. Well, one of the biggest relationship killers is actually emotional pressure, trying to control or dictate how he feels instead of just discovering how he feels and being unattached. And this can be a tough one, especially if you're in love with somebody, especially if you want them to see you as that lifelong partner. Ultimately, you have to let the person discover what it is that they really want. And there's a beautiful example of how my wife did this for me, being unattached, not trying to control an outcome, but inviting me to step up because we had been together two years and I got shaky. I was in this whole fear state. And so, she invited me into a conversation and said, hey, look, I know that I love you and I want to explore spending my life with you. And I can feel you pulling away. I can feel you shaky. I can feel you uncertain about whether or not you want to be with me. And ultimately, I know there's going to be a guy who wants to be with me. And ultimately, I'm going to create an amazing marriage with somebody. My preference is that it's you. I would hope that it's you, but if it's not you, I'm going to be okay. So, here's what we're going to do. We're going to break up for three days and you've got three days to figure it out. Do you want to explore things with me or do you want to move on? And I'm going to be okay either way. She goes, you don't have to propose in three days, but I do want you to know if you want to explore things with me, that we're at least on that track to explore if that's the direction that makes sense for us, that ultimately is where we're heading. Now, I didn't love it in the moment because I felt like, well, I still don't know and I don't know if it's enough time. But what it caused me to do is go deep. And I could tell in that moment that she loved me, she wanted me, but she was going to be okay. She was, in other words, unattached. There was no fear, scarcity energy in her. And that was brilliant because what it did is it gave me breathing room to really feel like, okay, I'm going to explore how I really feel. And I came down to this realization that every day I want to be with her. Every day I want to talk with her. She's the person I want to hang out with the most, like my best friend and my lover. It was this beautiful realization of like, I don't want this to stop. I want this to keep going. Here we are 15 years later and I'm so grateful that I leaned in, that she helped me get clear. She gave me that direct conversation, created space for me to get clear because every day she's the one that I want to be with. And that's really what it means to choose and commit and see somebody as the one is, do you want to be with them today and tomorrow and the next day and the next day? When you're with somebody, instead of communicating from this place of attachment, communicate with curiosity, knowing deep down that it's either this person or someone even better still. You can express your needs without blame. You can express what it is that you want without attachment, create this opening space. And that actually is the most fruitful space for love to flourish, for love to exist. So just to summarize what we've talked about and what this formula is, if you want to help someone know that you are the one, if you want your man to see you as his forever partner, here's what truly makes the difference. We call this the secret formula. Number one is to create emotional safety so that he can be who he is and the version of himself he wants to be around you. Number two, trust the demonstrations of love that he's giving you. You don't have to test him unnecessarily to know that he's proving his love for you. And number three is replace pressure with understanding because love isn't a performance, it's a partnership. Because at the end of the day, a woman who finds that loving partnership isn't the one who plays games or makes him chase, it's the one who makes him feel at home when they're together. So my question is, what's one thing that when you know someone is the person for you, what's the experience that you have? Go ahead and post that in the comment section below. I appreciate you. Here's for your expanding love life. Thanks so much for watching and I'll see you soon.