How to Make a Great First Impression

Hi, I'm Kyle from The Distilled Man, and up next we're going to talk about how to make a great first impression. You've heard it before. You never get a second chance to make a first impression, but it seems kind of unfair, doesn't it? Because when someone meets you, it's just a very, very small sample of your day and even smaller sort of snippet of who you actually are as a person. It might not be your best moment. You know, maybe you're stressed out, maybe you woke up on the wrong side of the bed, you were rushing, didn't have time to shower or shave or really pay attention to what you're wearing. So it's you, but it's not really your best you. But to that person you're meeting, that small snippet of you is 100% of what they know of you. Unfortunately, that can have a lasting effect. For whatever reason, humans are hardwired to hold on to first impressions. According to Olivia Fox Cobain in The Charisma Myth, research shows that when we have the choice between changing our minds about something or looking for proof that there's no reason to change our mind, we gravitate towards the proof. Once we make a judgment about a person, everything else gets filtered through that lens. So if you make a bad first impression, it's not that you can't recover. It's just that it's really an uphill battle after that. So what can we do to make a great first impression from the start? The obvious answer might seem at first that it's just to be your best self. But this is a little bit vague. And while it's partially true, there's a lot more to it than that. So when you meet someone for the first time, you communicate with them on a couple different levels. First, there's nonverbal communication. What you say without saying anything. And there's a couple different types of nonverbal communication. In essence, you just want to make sure that all of them are working for you rather than against you. Your appearance. It makes a statement whether you like it or not. Of course, it's not fair, but people make snap judgments about you based on how you look. So are you dressed well? And this isn't about having expensive clothes. It's just about whether you take pride in your appearance. Are you well-groomed? Did you comb your hair? Are you dressed intentionally? And is what you're wearing, does it fit the environment that you're in? If you show up to a networking event wearing ripped jeans and a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle t-shirt or footie pajamas, I'm going to say you're probably going to give off a very different vibe than if you were wearing a tailored suit to that same event. Energize your body language. Next there's your body language. Now this is huge because if you're slumped or you're slouched or you're sort of closed off, people pick up on that sometimes not consciously, but even just on a subconscious level. Whether you know it or not, you're sending the message that you lack confidence, that you're not comfortable in your own skin and that you're not happy to be there. Why not take the opposite approach? Make your body language represent the best version of you. So stand up straight, pull your shoulders back, walk with confidence. So not only does this send a signal to other people, but changing your body language can actually change your physiology internally, as Amy Cuddy from Harvard demonstrated, that when you change your body language for the positive, it sends signals to help regulate cortisol and increase testosterone, which ultimately makes you feel more confident. Project warmth. So next there's your overall warmth. Are you smiling? Are you making eye contact? Or do you seem sort of distracted and distant? Do you look like a friendly person who someone could approach and have a chat with? Or do you look sort of cranky like you got sand in your boxer briefs? Which of these do you think is going to make you seem more welcoming to talk to? Keep in mind, in social situations, no matter how confident people are, nobody wants to be rejected or blown off. Everybody wants to be accepted. So the more you can make yourself seem like a sort of welcoming environment for people to come up to, the better first impression you're going to make with strangers. Cultivate a confident handshake. The final and really important part of nonverbal communication is your handshake. What does your handshake say about you? Is it a limp fish apology of a handshake that basically says, I have no confidence and I'm not that interested in meeting you? Or is it the other extreme that says, because of my various deeply rooted insecurities, I feel compelled to demonstrate my strength by trying to crush your knuckles with my manly fist. No, you don't want either of those. You want something in between, firm yet measured. Your handshake should say, I'm a confident man and I'm really excited to meet you and learn more about you. Verbal communication. So the other major part of a first impression is verbal communication, what you actually say. A little more obvious, right? And as Patrick King says in his book, Chatter, the verbal first impression includes about the first 10 or 20 words that come out of your mouth. And whether this is true exactly is hard to say. I mean, I think it sort of depends on the conversation. But the point is, the takeaway is that some of the first things that you talk about and how you talk about them with someone when you meet them for the first time are going to affect what they think of you, possibly for a very long time. And that's why I think Patrick's next piece of advice is so good. Be a storyteller. So when you first meet someone for the first time, you're going to be going through some of that basic get to know you sort of conversation, you know, and whether you like small talk or not, it's sort of a fact of life. And by the way, I have a great video on small talk that you should definitely check out. I'll go ahead and link to that as well. Chances are the other person is going to be asking you things about like, what do you do for work? What do you like to do for fun? How do you know a mutual connection of ours? Instead of answering by dryly recounting facts about who you are, Patrick recommends actually thinking of your life in terms of mini stories. How much more memorable are you if you can attach a colorful anecdote to everything that you share about yourself? For instance, instead of saying, I'm an accountant, you could say, I'm an accountant, I'm a math nerd. In fact, when I was a kid, I loved crunching numbers so much that for my seventh birthday, instead of getting a BMX, I insisted that my parents send me to math camp. Having a few unique tidbits like this can help you stand out and make a more memorable first impression. Also, by sharing personal details like this, it gives the other person something to latch onto and something that might help you build rapport because it could be a shared interest or a passion. And if nothing else, you know, a funny or a harrowing story always is a good way to break the ice. Become an expert listener. So being able to talk about yourself in an interesting way is really important, but even more important than that is to become a great listener. In the book First Impressions, What You Don't Know About How Others See You, authors Anne Demarais and Valerie White say that there are four emotional elements at play when you interact with someone. How you feel about yourself, because sometimes that can come across subtly when you meet someone. How you feel about the other person, and that people can also pick up on that. How that person feels about you. And finally, how that person feels about themselves. Demarais and White argue that that last one is the most important. Ultimately, when you're in a conversation with someone, they don't care if you're rich or poor or you're tall or short or whether you have a hundred and eighty IQ. Ultimately, they just want to be appreciated and valued. As Maya Angelou said, people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. So yes, meeting someone is all about being your best and most interesting self. But for that other person, their experience of meeting you is really more about them. And that's where being a good listener comes in. Listening, really actively listening, shows that you're fully present and that you value the other person. Leaning in towards the person who's speaking, making eye contact, maybe tilting your head to the side, showing that you're sort of processing what they're saying. Verbally reacting and asking follow-up questions that show that you're in the story with them. Matching your emotion and energy level with theirs. When they're telling an excited part of the story, you're excited. When they bring things down, you're right there with them. What's amazing about this is just how much it improves the other person's impression of you. Even if you share very little personal information, by giving them your undivided attention, it actually makes you memorable in their eyes. One of my favorite stories about this comes from Dale Carnegie's classic How to Win Friends and Influence People. So Dale tells the story of how he went to a dinner party and he gets seated right next to a botanist. Being the great conversationalist that he was, Carnegie immediately asked the botanist to tell him about his work. So the botanist just launched in and started talking about plant biology and botany and all these things. And rather than change the subject to something that he knew more about, he found a way to be genuinely interested and kept asking the guy about his work. At the end of the night, the botanist told the host that Dale was such an interesting person and such a great conversationalist. Funny thing is, Dale barely said a word all night. So even if it doesn't seem fair, the old saying is true, you never get a second chance to make a first impression. And that's why when making a first impression, you should always strive to be the person you want people to remember, because they're gonna. That means taking stock of all the non-verbal things you say without saying anything to make sure that they're working for you and not against you. Your appearance, your posture, your overall warmth, your handshake. And it also means being a better conversationalist, which is probably about 30% learning how to tell your own story in a more interesting way, and about 70% in becoming genuinely interested in other people's stories. Alright guys, if you liked that video, please do me a favor and hit that like button right now. And if you want to see more videos like this, you can subscribe to my channel, and all you have to do is just hit the Distilled Man logo, which should be like right about here. Thanks again for watching, and I'll see you soon.