The Dark Truth About Love

But what is love? That's the big question. Perhaps the most elusive of all experiences. We all need love, but look how difficult it is to find love. So what is love? Let me present two approaches. We'll take one, I don't want to call it the cynical approach, but we'll call it the more evolutionary biological approach, which I like to coin as the Freudian-Darwinian model. So, and let's quote the great philosopher Schopenhauer. So Schopenhauer writes the following, I'm quoting. Love is based on an illusion and represents what is an advantage to the species as an advantage to the individual. He is surprised to find that after all his lofty, heroic, and endless attempts to further his own pleasure, he has obtained but little. And contrary to his expectations, he finds that he is no happier than he was before. He discovers that he has been the dupe of the will of the species. So, with that approach, let's elaborate a bit. That love, like everything in existence, based on the evolutionary biological model, is necessary to fulfill the most important cardinal rule, perpetuation of the species, that we must go on, or sometimes known as survival of the fittest. So therefore, you have in every species, human, animal, vegetation, the idea of breeding. Breeding, male and female, whatever form it takes, they breed, they join, and they produce an egg and a seed, or any other way that that manifests and all the different forms of it, to be able to perpetuate their genes to the next generation. Nature, in order to get male and female together, creates an attraction between the two. And you see in different species different ways of courtship and so on. But it's the human being that is the one that some call an actual mutation. Something went wrong. Love became an end in itself. You need courtship, you need romance, you need all the overtures and all the foreplay. And I mean that in the broadest sense of the word. You need to date, to appeal to each other. But the truth is, if human beings did not evolve with such intelligence, it would be far more efficient like most animals they just breed. They don't spend months and months dating and courting and going out to concerts and going to a bar. If you want a drink, they just do what they have to do. Yes, there are certain displays and other ways of showing off or trying to demonstrate the superior genes of a male or a female and so on. But it doesn't quite have the complexity and definitely not the financial expense and the aggravation that comes in human relationships. So some will argue that that really is just a mutation. It wasn't meant to be that way. We turned it into too much sophistication. Then the day nature is about the very raw, unromantic and blunt bringing together the male and female in order to breed. Schopenhauer's words, it's a way to dupe the individual to fulfill that cardinal rule, perpetuating the species. Most of us do not respond well to this approach. We like to believe that we do have some romance, we do have love which I will obviously be addressing. But it's important to understand that you could take this type of case and make a case and then it is just a chemical reaction. Nature has built something in that when a man sees a woman, a woman sees a man. There's some sparks, chemistry, sexual aura, allure, sensuality. I mean, the list goes on of all these descriptions. Different people don't click with others. So there's something going on. But at the end of the day, it's a chemical reaction and it is part of a way of getting the two together. But beyond that, there's also playing with your mind. I mean, there are many people you see that are beautiful. You may have some fantasy about them. Doesn't mean you're ever going to be with them. So we are human beings that are wired to respond to certain things. And if we don't have any discipline, we respond sometimes very reflexively and very even animalistically. The hope is that we have some control, using Freudian's words, that if we were left to the id, to the core pleasure principle of just enjoying yourself and just enjoying your pleasure, a special sexual pleasure, without any breaks, without any disciplines, without any rules, so it would be dog eats dog, survival of the fittest. But since we have an ego and a superego and other things that have developed, red lights and green lights we establish in order to create some order of coexistence. But at heart, we are essentially animals. The question is to what extent. And here you'll have the different variations. So that is a model. I would even say it's the prevalent Western model. It's not always spelled out quite this way because, as I said before, it's not very appealing. And how many trillion dollar industry of, whether it's jewelry, whether it's perfumes, all the other products that are sold in the name of romance, the name of expressing love, Valentine's Day. So it's become part of an industry as well that perpetuates itself. But if you really come down to the scientific, the raw, bald, I would even say naked scientific truth, what is love at the end of the day? Especially if you see the human being as a mechanical creature, period. And the mind as well. And there's no soul. It's all part of mechanics. The question is, is it physical mechanics? Is it more ethereal mechanics? But it's still mechanics. So where does that leave love? And where does it leave for our hope and love? So now let's present an alternative model. Which, as obviously you can imagine, is the one that I am positing. I don't believe in debates and I'm not here to convince anyone of anything. But it's good to present them all. And you choose and pick what resonates with you. And I don't even know if you can prove one or the other. But what resonates and what seems to work. So here's a completely different model. We'll call it the biblical model. That love is absolutely real. And it's not a means to something else. It itself is an end. It's not just a way of getting something to attract to another in order to breed. It has an experience of its own. We'll call it a transcendent experience. In contrast to a survival or an existential experience. And what is that transcendent experience? Let's use the words of the Bible. God created male and female in the divine image. A type of spiritual image, something higher, something more transcendent. Then he divided male and female, separated them. They were in a dragon as creature initially. And that's why they seek each other out. That's the essence of love. The attraction to each other is not in order to breed. It's in order to connect. It's in order to transcend. It's in order to reconnect to the divine image. That is only possible when they're both together. To become one flesh through intimacy. Physical intimacy, but also emotional and spiritual intimacy. That creates something more than the sum of the parts. And with that, we introduce the idea of higher consciousness. That's what love is about. The experience of something higher than yourself through another. And each one experiencing it through the other. That doesn't mean you yourself are not complete. It means, however, you yourself are not complete alone. To be the greatest you can be, you have to go beyond your parameters. And in that context, love is a transcendent divine experience. And it's absolutely romantic and absolutely enduring. It's not about the product. Afterwards, it says, yes, then they will be blessed. A couple with children building a home and perpetuating, building a family. Perpetuating the generations. But that's an outgrowth. That's a second step. In the first model, there's only one step. The whole point is only perpetuation of the species. So again, you can choose what you think is more romantic, what you think is more appealing. I'm not here to argue, again, what's right or wrong. To present. Then love is absolutely real. I remember giving a talk. It was in New York City. Learning Annex. I don't know if it's still going on. A lot of learning groups about many topics. And I was asked to give a talk on, is there love forever after? The idea, is there such a thing as eternal love? It was a group of around 50, 60 people. Half men, half women. And I opened up with a question. Do you believe in love forever after? By a show of hands. I couldn't believe the response. Only one young woman raised her hand that she believed it. The rest did not. I wasn't surprised by their opinion. Their feelings. I was surprised that they would openly acknowledge it. Especially with their significant other sitting there then. How do you like your significant other? Do you believe in forever after? And they don't raise their hand. So we went around the room trying to analyze. I said, why don't you? This is the stuff for movies, romance novels, fantasy. Yeah, when you're young, idealistic. But anyone who's gone through real life knows. It's just an illusion. One person put it this way. Everything in this world has an end. The food you eat, the water, what you drink. Life, beauty. The physical world is constantly eroding. Deteriorating. And ultimately perishing. So why would we suddenly believe that it comes to love? Love forever after. How is that different? Than everything that's mortal. And impermanent in this world. Good point, right? So then I said, so what about that young woman that raised her hand and does believe? Ah, she's young. Her heart wasn't broken probably. She hasn't been disappointed. She hasn't seen the duplicity. The infidelities. The betrayals of life. Once she does, she'll be like one of us. Okay. Very life affirming, right? So I said, you know, I totally agree with you. That if love indeed is yet another physical mortal experience. Then of course, how could it be forever? But perhaps love is something else. And I suggested the following. That generally speaking, when you talk about compatibility. What makes people compatible with each other? You think about three things. Physical compatibility. Physical attraction. Sexual magnetism. Called the biological connection. Second, emotional compatibility. You feel for each other. Look, you can fall in love with a model in a magazine. And then meet the person. There's no emotional connection. Even though there's a physical attraction. And the third is intellectual compatibility. Not just feelings and empathy and care. But also we share ideas. Respect each other's ideas. Respect your mind. So I went around the room. I said, so what do you think? Someone said, if I had one out of those three, I'd be happy. Two out of the three. Great. Three out of the three. I find that almost impossible. So I said, so let me introduce one more dimension. We'll call it spiritual compatibility. What does that mean? It means that two people are connected. They share a vision. What kind of home they want to build. What kind of legacy they want to leave. What kind of mark they will make in this universe. What kind of children they want to bring into this world. When people come into their environment. What impact? What's the message? Their values. Their transcendent values. And I said, the first three are vital in a relationship. But they're all subject to change. For the reasons you all described before. Because they're material. They're mortal. So looks. You can be attracted to someone. But they're not going to look that same way 20, 30, 40 years down the road. People's looks change. Emotions. Yes, you can be mostly very much connected. Attached to another person. But then again, people look for novelty. They want something different. New types of stimulation. Same thing with intellectual interests. So the first three are as important as they are. But they're subject to change. And that's why many people say, you know, I want to marry someone much younger than I am. Or much younger than my spouse, I should say. Someone more beautiful. I want to try something new. A new emotional experience. New intellectual experience. But number four, spiritual compatibility is not subject to change. Because it's not defined by needs. It's not defined by things that change. It's defined by eternal values. Transcendence. Something greater than yourself. And that's where you find people. Could be married 70, 80 years. And there's the sparkle in the eye. There's that connection. So while other things change in life, that remains connected and only gets stronger. The legacy. Beyond themselves. Beyond their individual. That is ultimate love. It's connecting to something higher than yourself. Just to tell you, the response from the audience was phenomenal. If you define love like that, that I would believe in. Love forever after. A few people told me at the end of the class. So in other words, it's all about how you define it. If love is yet another item, commodity, in your refrigerator or on the shelf, obviously it's subject to the same rules of time and space. But if love is something transcendent, then love does live on forever. Even when we, God forbid, lose a loved one, we lose their body perhaps. But we don't lose their spirit. Their connection. It's still painful because we want it to be grounded. We want it to be concrete. We want it to be real. In this world. But the love, the connection you had to someone was not about something tangible, not something corporeal. It's something, but it's more ethereal. Something subtle. Something spiritual. We have the capacity to experience love on that level. Unfortunately, we live in a world of commodities. We live in a world that defines things, everything as mechanical. Yes, we understand science has developed and taught us about all kinds of forces at work, but it's still ultimately mechanical forces. And at best someone will say we're physical people and perhaps having somewhat of a spiritual experience. The fact is, my friends, it's the other way around. It's the other way around. We're spiritual beings having a physical experience. Souls on a physical journey. That changes the entire picture. Don't look at life from the outside in, meaning what you see right now and then say, oh, what's out there. You are one piece of something far, far greater. And your blessing, your privilege is to be able to bring that experience into your physical being. That's the way the mystics would put it. Is to take the infinite and package it in the finite. To take the immortal and express it in the mortal. To take the eternal and translate it into the moment. The timeless and the timely. Seeing the extraordinary within the ordinary. That's the joining and fusion of heaven and earth. Of soul and body. Of transcendence and integration. Is it a challenge? Of course it is. But that's where the richness of life takes place. And that's precisely why love is so elusive. To find a piece of bread is not elusive. You need the money and you go buy it. All our other needs are pretty much accessible. And if not, it's only due to external circumstances. Love is elusive just as truth is elusive. Just as soul is elusive. Just as transcendence is elusive. Because it's very nature. You can't bottle. You can't contain. It's beyond. And anything beyond is always going to feel somewhat a mystique. Let's not destroy that mystique. Let's embrace it. Let's embrace our vulnerability. Celebration of your vulnerability is part of what love is all about. It goes sometimes counterintuitive and against the grain of our nature to want to control. I want to control love. I want to control the other person. Very hard. It's very disconcerting for us when we can't predict. We don't know what is my person that I love doing. So there's that temptation to want to control. But no, you have to let the bird fly. Then it will fly back to you. Then you know there's true love. So it also comes down to feeling secure. Insecure people will find it harder to love because insecure people want to hold on to something. Secure people, I love you. I don't need to own you. I don't need to own love. I want it to own me. Not that you own me, but I want that love to embrace me instead of me embracing it. That's what true love is. Letting go. Letting go and allowing something greater to embrace you. Imagine a couple having such an experience. Both of them letting go and having something greater than both of them embrace them. It's elevating. It's refining. Besides being refreshing, when you look around, everything else in this world is me taking. It's about giving. So when you think of it that way, love is indeed something truly real. The ultimate reality. And that's why it's so much part and parcel of who we are. Nine months you spend completely loved, embraced, encompassed, engulfed, submerged in the embryonic waters of your mother's womb. True attachment. Love continues even after birth by perpetuating that attachment. If it's a healthy, nurturing home. If it's not, God forbid, it starts severing. It starts creating dissonance. But love is our most natural state. And everything else is an illusion. Everything else is a chemical reaction, if you wish. Love is us reconnecting, revisiting, reclaiming the innocence. The seamless, resonating innocence of experiencing singularity. Of experiencing oneness with another and ultimately with the Divine itself. But, I don't want to use the word battle, but it is a battle. But we're constantly battling other attitudes. The materialistic world is seducing us. It's constantly drawing us into its clutches. Into its tentacles. To look at things in a far more materialistic way. Including love itself. So sad. Love was meant to be a tool. An ability to reach transcendence. And love itself is trying to be packaged into technique. It's turned into love. It's turned into sex. Technique. Sexuality was always meant to be a method of experiencing that transcendence. On a physical plane. Not to take the spirituality of it. The sensuality of it and turn it into yet another physical act. But on the contrary, to elevate physicality into a spiritual experience. A bridge between body and soul. And today it's been turned again into a commodity. And I don't just mean the sex industry. I mean also our attitudes. Sexuality is meant to help us get beyond ourselves. Experience another. So what Schopenhauer said, and others say, it's just a way of nature seducing us to breed. But it can get worse than that. It becomes an end in itself purely for pleasure. Hedonistic pleasure. And that's that. And you say, what was the result of that? I don't need results. I don't need commitment. I don't need children. I don't need a future. I enjoyed myself. I got high. I experienced something that gave me tremendous pleasure. And I'll experience soon again. It doesn't translate in any integrated way into our lives. On the contrary, it probably creates more turmoil and tension. Like a drug. When will I get my next hit? A one night stand. Two night stand. But true love is the opposite. It's all about spilling over into eternity. Into eternal connections. Into commitment. Commitment is not a dirty word. It's the expression of transcendence in your life. And you're committed to transcendence. But it means stepping outside just of your own pleasure. It gives you tremendous pleasure. But that's not where it begins and ends. And that indeed perpetuates both between the people who love each other and the offspring they produce. That's what healthy and true love is. I can't speak for you, but I speak for myself. When I compare these models, it's pretty clear to me what resonates. Am I going to be able to scientifically prove it? I can't prove many things. I can't even prove that existence is not an illusion, let alone love. Maybe we're all one big illusion, one big computer program. And any proof is part of the program. But I don't want to spend my life debating that issue. I have other things to do. So you have to make your choices. What resonates means it doesn't always mean that you can absolutely prove it, but experientially what resonates. I like to believe the people I love is real. And not just some chemical reaction or just some trick of nature or just my momentary pleasure. But as always, I like to present the ideas and people have to figure out what works for them. I would tell you that there is hope and that you can find true, true love. Don't ever give up. You just have to find your soul and see things through the eyes of the soul. So that may have to change. Different perspective. If you take that one perspective, you may not find what you're looking for. Change your perspective and then you can find what you're looking for. And you have love in your heart, in your soul, right here. It's not a commodity. No one can sell it to you. All that people can do is to help open you up to discover that which is your birthright. In the words of Michelangelo, when they asked him, how do you sculpt those beautiful angels in the marble? He said, I see the angels trapped in the marble and I carved and carved and set them free. Set your love free. Set your song free. Spread your wings. Soar. Reach the highest levels and bring it down into the body experience through intimacy, through sacred relationships that create eternity. Eternity. The only way to create eternity. Thank you so much. This has been Simon Jacobson. 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