The Real Problem With Dating in Korea (No One Talks About This)

So let's say you're looking for a watch. So you hop in your car, you're driving down the street, and you see a sign. It says watches. You think, great, they have what I'm looking for. So you park the car, you go into the store, only to find out that there is not a watch in sight. The store is full of necklaces. So you think, well, the sign says watches, so there's got to be a watch somewhere in the store. So you scour every inch of the store, hoping to find a watch, and there are none. So naturally, you're going to feel tricked, deceived. Why in the hell would they have a sign up that says watches, if they were selling necklaces? So you storm out of the store, furious that you just wasted so much time in there. And that is the experience that a lot of people are having with dating. Hello, friends and family, this is Megan Moon, aka 저는 미국사람입니다. I wanted to make a video about this topic because I hear so much from people in Korea about relationships. This one phrase, they changed so much after we started dating, or they changed so much after we got married. Even just last week, when I was doing the podcast episode with Eunice Cho, with Uni Unnie, she mentioned it too. When she was getting married, she was afraid because she's heard all around her about how people seem to be like one thing before the relationship becomes committed. And then afterwards, they like radically change toward the opposite. Obviously, all over the world, there are cases where people show one side of themselves only to behave completely differently later after the relationship has been committed. But I have noticed that it is particularly extreme here in Korea, due to a few societal norms and how people were raised. So I thought I would go over why that is today and how you can not fall into this pattern because it is quite detrimental to relationships. The idea and the notion that you win someone's heart over as opposed to just being your authentic self and showing who you actually are so they actually know who they're getting in a relationship with, it causes so many breakups and it's causing people to waste so much time. And girl, I don't want that to happen to you. So let's get into it today. And also, if you are someone who likes to really put your good foot forward and try and win other people's hearts, this video is for you too, so you can stop doing it. Okay? Because it does not lead to lasting and fulfilling authentic relationships. And that's because if you win someone over or get someone to date you based on a performance, you haven't actually found a good match for you. You just found someone who fell in love with the facade that you put on. That's what they're in love with. So the likelihood of breakups is going to be much stronger. This is also why I really hate the notion of these dating pickup artist people who are like, yeah, do this to get a woman. Pretend to be someone you're not in order to attract a woman. I am so against this. Do not do this. Okay? Be yourself. Because let me tell you, there are some really shitty people. There are some assholes and they all seem to have partners. Okay? If they can, you will find someone who likes you for who you really are too. I'm just saying. So let's jump into why that is. Why does it seem like that issue is so much stronger in Korea than it is back in the States? Although I hear now with like dating apps and stuff, that also it's becoming a big issue in the States, but it's still not as big as it is in Korea. And what I found that that's because Korea is a very socially conditioned society. It's also very culturally homogenous. It's sort of opposite to how I grew up, where I grew up. People were sort of taught to be different, be yourself. Don't be afraid to be quirky. If you like anime, you wear that anime t-shirt to school girl. Like it doesn't matter if people think you're a nerd, right? Just be yourself. Somebody will like it. That was the message that I heard growing up. But here it's a very strong expectations about how people should behave. And it goes far beyond teaching between, you know, good and evil. And for many people who grew up in the previous generation, they grew up with a notion of conditional love. So from a very young age, people are sort of taught, I have to fit the expectations of my parents in order to be approved of and loved. And, you know, children, the main thing that they need from their parents is love. Children literally need that love and support from their parents so much. Well, it's for their survival. Like back in the day, when we were cavemen, if kids left their parents at the first sign of emotional distress, everybody would be eaten by jaguars, run out in the forest by themselves. So it's a survival mechanism. Even if your parents are abusive, et cetera, in your mind, you will justify it so that you will stay beside them. Because more so than emotional abuse, the survival of a species is more important, right? So because people need to feel so loved, whatever version of themselves they think they need to be to be loved from their parents, they will do. And in Korea, there's such high expectations from parents and a very narrow view of how someone should be. People are forced to reject their actual desires. They're forced to reject the things that they like and are into. And if there are certain qualities about themselves that their parents think are undesirable, being too independent or not being competitive enough, not being studious, liking art, talking too much, sharing your opinion, whatever those traits are that your parents want you to have, you will do in order to be loved. As a result, people feel like they weren't completely accepted for who they are. And so in order to survive in households like that, people just have to reject those parts of themselves that are not seen as desirable. So it's like they create a second self and their real desires and real personality and real values sort of get pushed down into the And anytime any of those traits come up, they feel great shame around them because they were taught that they were unacceptable. So in a sense, they were taught not to love certain parts of themselves. And when that happens, you seek validation outwardly. But it runs so deep that for a lot of people, they actually think that they do want what their parents have told them because their true wants and desires and personality has been pushed so far down into the depths. And even though the person might not consciously realize that they are there, they're just dying to be loved and accepted by someone. And people generally desire for their whole self to be accepted, even the parts that they thought were shameful. And they were also taught that my authentic self is not lovable. So I should never show it. I should never share what my needs are. I should never tell people my true desires or wants or what I'm thinking. So they live in this bubble of just who they're expected to be. And that facade can take on many different forms just based on how you were taught in your family. But for example, let's say you were a little bit more needy of a kid. You're a little bit more sensitive emotionally. So you needed a little bit more care from your mom. You needed a hug if you fell and scraped your knee. But maybe your parents were like, you're too needy. Just get up. You're okay. Instead of coming and comforting you, which is what you needed. So if they ignored all of your sensitive needs and told you that you're too sensitive, like stop being sensitive, that sensitivity doesn't go away because some people are just more sensitive and need more care than others. You just push it down and you make a new persona, one where you're real independent. You tell yourself that you don't need people and you're fine and you can take care of your own needs because that's what got you approval from your parents. And then also if you're in a situation where you need care from your mom, but she's not giving it to you, it's very painful for you as a kid to deal with that rejection on a daily basis. So what happens is your body just sort of adjust so that you can get out of that flight or fight situation and you could tell yourself that you're okay. Cause you can't really function in a constant state of like nervousness, right? So essentially you gaslight yourself into thinking that you don't need help, right? You're fine. You're super independent. And you push down that desire that you have to be cared for very deeply, even though that's what you need. So people like that, when they're dating, their vibe will be very independent, right? Like I'm independent. I don't really need much. So who are you going to attract? You're going to attract someone who doesn't want to have to put that much care into the relationship. But if you get in that kind of relationship, you're eventually going to feel more and more dissatisfied because your deep down need is to be cared for. And this person is just not caring for you. So then you start to show your neediness more and more. And the other person's completely blindsided cause they thought you were okay cause you were so independent, but they're not someone who's inclined to take care of people's needs like that. So they feel tricked and they're like, what the hell? I thought you were independent. Why are you so clingy and needy? Let me do my thing. And then obviously, you know, that relationship will unfortunately end. But a sad part is for that person who was suppressing their need to be cared for when it finally came up in the relationship and that person rejected them, that further solidifies the fact that, Oh, I shouldn't have any needs. I got to keep it down even more and pretend like I'm even more independent. But in reality, it's not that nobody can accept you if you have needs. It's just that you haven't advertised yourself properly. You have a big sign up that says, look, I'm a watch. So somebody's coming and looking for a watch. But in reality, you're a necklace. Necklaces are okay too. You just have to advertise properly. In a sense, you have to drop that sort of false self that you've in order to find people who'd be willing to take care of your needs that you need. And another sad part is a lot of people don't even fully realize that they have that pattern. And another thing I've realized is that a lot of people here seem to not really know themselves as well. From a young age, if you were just told how to be and what to be and what to like and what job to have, what to be interested in, what to eat, and you haven't had to make decisions for yourself in some sense, you don't really know what yourself. So you don't even really know what a good match for you would be. So as a result, you see that people will make decisions for relationships based on things that are kind of superficial, right? Based on status, superficial achievements, or being very beautiful. It's something that would just make them look better as opposed to making decisions about the emotional maturity. Can they meet my needs? Can I meet their needs? The way that they choose partners tends to be very, very superficial. And then people like that tend to be so preoccupied, preoccupied, my Southerners came out. Preoccupied with making the other person like you. So they don't even ask, is this person compatible with my needs? They just want that validation so badly. They don't even care what the other person does or what they do or if they can meet the needs. They just want this person to like them because that would mean that they are a lovable person. And that is so sad to me. And another thing that I have seen is that people, because when they were, a lot of people in Korea still live with their parents before marriage. So they're still sort of living in that bubble of my parents decide everything for me. So they don't know who they are, but then like they think they want somebody. And then after they get married and they're away from their parents, they start to explore a little bit more than they find out what they really want is not that person. Or they find out they're interested in completely other things. So that makes relationships hard to start. So basically if you don't fully know who you are, or you're pretending to be someone that's not your real authentic self, the chances of you finding a good relationship where you actually are compatible are slim to none. And another thing about Korean culture, I think that makes this dynamic so strong of people wanting to put their good foot forward and show a different side of them in dating is just the hierarchical culture. Why can I say that? The culture surrounding hierarchy. There's a heavy hierarchy here based on age, workplace, family, how much money you make. So in Korea from a young age, people learn that the way that they behave needs to radically change depending on who they're around. Now, obviously we will do that too, right? If you used to cuss a lot, when you talk to your friends, when you talk to your church pastor, you're not going to be cursing obviously, but I mean, on a more interpersonal relationship basis, there's a big variation in how people present themselves, especially if that person is considered above you in status or hierarchy. So because of that, a lot of people learn to perform socially. They think social life is a performance. And so a lot of people have a society face. And then like the real face, I've seen this many times. Somebody might be extremely polite, careful, respectful, informal. When they're around someone older or higher in status, you would think that they were the most respectful person in the world. But then when they get with their close friends, they are like night and day. And a lot of people in society just understand this. It's a part of the social script. People learn that following expectations of others in society is the most important thing they have to do. I've been in situations where I've been out with somebody like at dinner, relaxed and comfortable. And I know this person is being a relaxed and comfortable person. Then suddenly like an elder or just someone walks by. And when I say elder in Korea, it don't have to be like 20 year age difference. It'll be like two or three years older. They could be the same college students, right? One is a freshman and one is like a junior or senior. And they act like night and day. And it caught me off guard. I was like, who the hell was that person that just spoke to this senior in a totally different way? And there are social rules that you have to follow, even if you're eating or drinking with people older than you. You can't, if you're drinking and the person's older or in a senior position than you, you can't just like drink your drink like this. You got to cover your face and turn to the side. You got to pour their drink for them. You can't eat first. You have to sit and wait for them to eat. Like there's just a lot how you hold the glass. You got to hold it with two hands. You can't just get it like this. If they're older than you, you got to hold it with two hands. When you clink the glass, you can't clink it on the same level. You got to clink your glass lower. Like there are clear expectations of how you're supposed to behave in front of people. So people grow up learning this scripts and they learn that being liked often means performing scripts well. So people become extremely skilled at performing the version of themselves that fits the situation. So in dating, you want this person to like you. You will also perform because you've learned from a young age that being liked means performance. It doesn't mean being your authentic self. If you're your authentic self, well, that's shameful. How dare you have the desires that you have or like what you like. So if you think about it, it's a survival skill that they've developed. It helps people navigate social environments smoothly because there are so many situations where if you are in a social environment, even if you don't feel like following that script, people will think that you're rude for not going above and beyond and doing all the extra stuff that you're supposed to do. And this is why I think living in Korea as a foreigner is great because you don't have those expectations. And a lot of Korean people will even say that to me, like, you're so lucky you're a foreigner. You don't have to follow these expectations. And so in dating, people also have the same thing. If I'm to be liked, I have to do X, Y, and Z. I have to show X, Y, and Z. And I have to hide, conceal, don't feel my true feelings, emotions, et cetera. And this also leads to disaster because people do not freaking speak up about what they need or want about what makes them angry. So if a situation comes up, a small conflict, it's something small. You could say, Hey, I feel disrespected when you don't call and ask if I got home after our date. I don't know because it's something that a lot of people will just do in Korea anyway, but you never say anything. And then you wonder why they don't call me after our date to see if I made it home safely, but you never tell them that that's what you want. So it starts building up inside or they don't call me. Do they not like me? And then you start getting like upset. And then one day when you feel like you have a need that's not being met, you can't hold it in forever. So that just explodes on you. And that's why we get that sort of stereotype of people just sort of suddenly exploding that you've been doing something for a year. So you thought that they were okay with it. And then suddenly they explode and say, I don't like it. Right. Because you can't hold those things in for so long. They start to fester and you get even more angry about it. And when you don't speak up on the small little things that keep happening, it eventually leads to one huge falling out. So when people fight, it's not like this small little, Oh, this makes me uncomfortable. Okay. I won't do that anymore. It's like when it's just the hits the fan is when people will start to open up and have these heated, like fights about stuff because people are so afraid of conflict that they hold it in until they can't hold it anymore. And then they bubble up. So let's move on to tips. So if you are dating in Korea and you want to avoid marrying someone only to find out that they're completely different and you're super incompatible, then these are some tips that I have for you. The very first one is watch how someone behaves with people who have nothing to offer them socially. This is actually relevant. Whatever country you're in. But one of the easiest ways to see through performance in Korea is to watch how they behave with people that are outside of the hierarchy. Watch how they act with waiters, clerks, delivery drivers, or strangers in the street. Watch how they treat someone younger than them or someone who doesn't any, who doesn't have any sort of social power over them. Because in a hierarchical culture, people are good at performing upward. And I've heard people say this too. Well, maybe he treats other people a little bit rough, but he treats me so well. So I'm good. No, honey. The moment you get married, especially in a place like Korea, where the previous generation was super, super traditional and patriarchal with roles of wives and daughter-in-laws. For a lot of people, just subconsciously, if we're married now, no longer are you someone who I'm trying to impress. You're my person. I don't really have to treat you respectful anymore. So if you realize that your partner's treating other people not so nicely, and then treating you like a queen on a pedestal, then the likelihood of after marriage, that person not treating you that way is very high. That's why it's so necessary for you in Korea to make sure you meet up with your partner's oldest friends. One thing I've noticed in Korea is people really hold on to like their middle school and high school friends a lot. Because when they were in school, there was less of a performance going on when they were so young. So those are typically people's most authentic relationships. So you have to go and look at that friend group. And even if you're all out with his friends together, and he's still acting a certain way towards you, look at how his friends act and how they're acting with each other. Nine times out of 10, the way that those friends act with each other is how your partner actually acts. And you want to observe them in as many environments as possible. Of course, everyone adjusts slightly depending on the context. But if the difference between the versions of them is so extreme, that's going to be a sign that a lot of their behavior is socially scripted. So why wouldn't you think that they would be doing a script with you too? Another big important thing that I've noticed that you have to do in Korea right away is to ask people what they actually want in life. What kind of life do you want? What kind of relationship do you want? What kind of person are you looking for? And see what they say. And if they give you superficial answers, or struggle to answer, then ask more deep questions. Well, what qualities and characteristics do you dislike about yourself? What qualities and characteristics do you like about yourself? You really have to get in and ask those questions to hear people's answers. And if they're struggling to answer those questions, maybe it's not necessarily a huge red flag, but it could mean that they haven't really figured themselves out yet. And they're just running on autopilot, whatever their parents or society told them. So it's a great chance that they don't quite know who they are. So you can't really have a good, authentic, honest relationship. Honestly, the best thing you have to look for is just consistency across environments, across time, and between what someone says they want and how they actually behave. So you really have to really dig deep and figure out also how you feel around them. Maybe they're saying they're this, but what is the feeling that you get? And you have to really be sort of in tune to your intuition to really feel out the person. Am I feeling the act that they have? Because their real wants and desires tend to come out in subtle ways. But if you're someone who's not really in tune with your intuition, or your gut feelings, or really able to assess things properly, you could miss it. And also, if you are someone who's doing that, stop doing that. Just show who you really are. If you're really afraid that someone's not going to like who you really are, then the first thing you need to do before you even start dating is to work on loving and accepting yourself. Do some shadow work. Really figure out why you're so afraid to accept certain parts of yourself. Accept them and love them so that when you get in relationships, or you're trying to find someone, you can lead with those. You can show, hey, this is who I am. Take it or leave it, right? So if you're dating, please don't focus on becoming the person that gets chosen. Focus on becoming the person that's honest about who they are and know what they actually want. Because only then you can make sure that the needs that you have and the needs that the other person have are compatible. The right relationship doesn't come from convincing someone to pick you. It comes from two people who recognize each other for who they really are and choosing that. Okay? So I say all this to say, in Korea, you have to be really careful to not get into inauthentic relationships. And I hope that that doesn't happen to you. Let me know what you think about that down below. Have you ever been in a relationship that wasn't authentic? Are you someone that wants people to like you so you constantly find yourself in this cycle? Let us know down below. Let's talk about it. And if you liked this video and you'd like to see more videos, please subscribe to my YouTube page, which is down below. Don't forget to follow me on Instagram, Twitter, and Tiktok. Like me on Facebook and I will see ya.