The problem with self-help gurus

Self-help gurus are quickly taking over the internet, from podcasts to YouTube channels and Gap commercials. You can't avoid them, even if you try really, really hard. Self-help used to live on the fringe, quiet corners of a bookstore and niche seminars. But now, it's mainstream. It's a space where experts, gurus, and idiots like me all sit side by side in your feed. There's a lot of good that's come from this obsession with self-development. I mean, we got this b-roll of Ali Abdaal in the shower. But there's also a dark side. Because when the rewards are power, money, and influence, things like morality, ethics, and honesty often take a back seat. I want to uncover how self-help gurus win followers, help to open your eyes, and then your wallet. This video is sponsored by Squarespace. More on them later. So I think I'm in a pretty unique position to explore this topic. I've been a fan of self-help content since I was probably 16 years old. I've read many self-help books. I've implemented a lot of that advice into my life. And I've seen real improvements because of it. I also started this YouTube channel nearly 10 years ago, sharing the things I've learned and documenting my own habit experiments. I've done over 30 of them on everything from cold showers to powerlifting. I've made documentaries with self-help gurus. I've interviewed them on my channel. And I've even built my own course on habit change, which I eventually shut down. But more on that later. Over that time, I've seen how the self-help industry has completely exploded in popularity, especially on YouTube. There are thousands of channels teaching you how to fix your business, improve your relationships, master your finances, or unlock your inner masculine energy. If you're not ripped, if you're not rich, if you ain't rare, if you don't stand out, if you ain't across the board successful, it doesn't mean f***ing s*** to me. At their best, people share their ideas honestly and from a genuine desire to help others. On the other hand, you have those driven primarily by personal gain. This is where you find most self-help grifters. A self-help grifter is someone who promises transformation, purpose, or success, but whose real skill lies in manipulation. They rely on unethical marketing tactics and misleading communication not to make a difference, but to grow their influence and line their pockets. It's hard to know someone's true intentions, but we can look at their actions. So rather than attacking someone's character or style, I want to focus on the core principles that help people rise to the ranks of self-help guru, and more importantly, how those principles can be twisted in deceptive ways to build fame and wealth. The first and most foundational among them, building a strong parasocial bond with your followers. This isn't a new idea. Psychologists have been studying this for decades. In his classic book, Influence, Robert Cialdini calls it the liking principle, and it's one of the most powerful tools in persuasion. When we like someone, we instinctively trust them more. And that's exactly why so many self-help gurus put so much effort into being relatable, charming, or funny. Because once you like them, influencing you becomes much easier. Wow, there's so much choice. How does anyone decide what pasta to eat? But here's the catch. This is a one-way relationship. In a parasocial relationship, the audience member feels like they personally know the creator because of the intimacy of the content. Eye contact with the camera, direct address, personal stories, behind-the-scenes glimpses. But the creator doesn't really know them at all. Sure, they might read some comments or shake a few hands at an event, but they don't really know the millions of people watching their videos. Logically, we know that Taylor Swift has 50 million Twitter followers, and that in all likelihood, she is not talking directly to us. We know that we don't have real two-sided relationships, and yet, sometimes it feels like we do. Take one of the biggest self-help podcasters in the world, Mel Robbins. Journalist Scott Carney, who spent years investigating the self-help industry, has talked about how Robbins uses parasocial bonding to make viewers feel an emotional closeness to her. Mel Robbins has never met you. She has no real relationship with you. And yet, there's a certain genius as to how she makes her audience believe that she's actually their friend. It is always an honor to spend time with you. I'm so glad that you're here with me right now. I want to say it's always such an honor to spend time and to be together with you. Here's what I know about you. I know you're the type of person, you value your time. You're the kind of person who values information that can help you take control of your health. I know you're the kind of person who values showing up for yourself. It is the perfect thing for you to listen to at this exact moment in time, and you will feel better. I mean, just imagine that future. I can see that for you. And in case no one else tells you today, I wanted to tell you, I love you. That I love you. I love you. I love you for listening to this. And I believe in you. And I'm proud of you for hitting play on this episode. What you're hearing today is meant just for you. Whether you love Mel Robbins or not, it's worth thinking about this type of communication closely. If you've never spoken directly to camera before like this, you might not realize how strange it actually is. As someone who does this for a living, I can tell you it is not natural. So I know it's easy to forget when you're watching a video, but this is what I'm looking at when I'm actually filming a video. There's no humans here. So let's see if I can channel my inner Mel Robbins. If you're watching this, I want you to know that I love you. I love the person you are. I love the person you're becoming. So make sure that you share this with your friends so they too can feel that love. And so we can grow our engagement numbers, increase ad revenue, and maybe even turn this into a book deal. I wasn't feeling that one, guys. Let's do that one more time. If you're watching this, I want you to know that I love you. I think there are two ways to interpret this kind of communication. The generous view is that people are trying to help their viewers feel seen and supported. It's their way of spreading compassion and using language to lift people up. The less generous view is that it's a strategy. Much similar to how AI uses flattery to win you over, this type of messaging is a way to build affection and loyalty. We can't know people's true intentions, but speaking as a creator myself, I find the style of communication to be disingenuous. While I'm sure I've slipped into this kind of language at times, it's something that I'm much more mindful of and actively try to avoid. While the communication itself might feel genuine, it's really just a performance into a camera in an empty room. You know, I wasn't really feeling that one. Let's do that one more time. If you want to understand why some people build massive followings, even when their ideas are questionable, you have to understand the power of authority. Much like likability, authority changes how we listen. It shapes how much weight we give to someone's words, how skeptical we are of their claims, and how quickly we accept what they say as truth. If someone looks the part, sounds the part, or signals expertise in just the right way, we're far more likely to trust them, often without even realizing it. It's the same reason someone in a high-vis vest with a clipboard can stroll past security without an ID. We're wired to look for signals that help us make quick decisions about who to trust. Titles, credentials, uniforms, these all act as shortcuts that save us time and mental effort. And while some people are genuine authorities in their fields, others stretch or exaggerate their qualifications to appear more credible than they really are. Take Dr. Joe Dispenza. He talks extensively about neuroscience and quantum physics. So you might assume that his doctor title is in one of those fields. It's not. His doctorate is in chiropractic care. Sure, you can technically put doctor in front of your name, but that's not the same thing as holding a PhD or an MD. It's possible that Dispenza's title just carried over from his previous training as a chiropractor. But you can't deny that it helps him look more legitimate when he's technically as qualified to talk about quantum physics as your dentist. Another big name in the self-help world is Mr. Green Eyes. Sorry, that's Dr. Green Eyes. Jay Shetty. Shetty first exploded on Facebook where he has over 30 million followers. He's since built massive audiences on Instagram and TikTok as well. And if you've watched his content, you know the vibe. Earnest, dramatic, very serious. Forgive yourself for letting someone make you feel like you were easy to let go. Forgive yourself for making them number one when you were just a second thought. Forgive yourself for helping them heal when all they did was hurt you. Forgive me. No, don't do it, Matt. Don't do it. I promised myself that I wouldn't make any personal attacks and I'm not gonna do it. Jay, he's not my cup of tea. But putting aside personal preferences, he has been criticized for very legitimate reasons, including rampant plagiarism early in his career. It's not like he reposted somebody else's meme. He crops their name out and puts in Jay Shetty. That's stealing. The challenge is that we're meant to love people and use things, but today we use people and love things. We spend more time holding our phones than we hold each other. When you're young, you say I love you because I need you. When you grow up, you realize I need you because I love you. But it wasn't just the plagiarism that raised concerns. His entire backstory, the foundation of his authority itself in the self-help space has also been called into question. One of the biggest pillars of Shetty's brand is his origin story, a story he's told many times in podcasts, books, and interviews. He describes being a business student destined for corporate life until one transformative lecture from a monk changed everything. It was the most captivating presentation I've ever been to, and he spoke about selflessness and service and kindness, and it just got me hooked. He left behind the material world, moved to India, and returned with timeless wisdom. It's a compelling narrative. We have warm, fuzzy, almost romantic associations with monks. Humility, wisdom, and discipline. We love this idea of someone abandoning a comfortable Western life for spiritual enlightenment. But according to an investigation by John McDermott of The Guardian, there are several inconsistencies with his timeline. Jay never misses an opportunity to remind people that he was a monk for three years. And typically when he describes this, he says, I was a monk in India and I traveled around a little bit across Europe. Decided to turn down my corporate job offers and go and live as a monk in India for three years. So I looked into it and I found ample evidence that he was actually stationed in Watford, which is a city just outside of London, for the vast majority of the time that he was a monk, and that he had been in India for just a few months. Some people might think it's perfectly acceptable for someone to embellish their story, to remove facts, or to smooth out timelines for the sake of a tight five-minute television appearance. But there's clear benefits that gurus get when they bend their experience to create this kind of authority. As we climb further up the self-help ladder, we reach one of the most powerful forces in the guru playbook, the halo effect. Many gurus start out in one specific niche, psychology, fitness, business, nutrition. This may or may not be an area where they have real experience, expertise, or qualifications. But as their audience grows, that niche can start to feel limiting. So they broaden their scope. They do this with the halo effect. The halo effect is a well-documented cognitive bias where you... Actually, you know what? Let me hand this one over to Jay. We ascribe certain qualities to someone based on something we like about them. So if we find someone attractive, we say they must be trustworthy. If we think someone's good at talking or we enjoy the way they speak, we're like, they must be organized. If someone has a good job or dresses well, we say, oh, they must be driven and focused. So we start giving them qualities that they haven't actually showed us they have. And we set ourselves up for failure because we're hoping for them to have more than they've actually told us they have or shown us they have. Yeah, it's so fascinating. It's why Dr. Mike Isretel can move from fitness advice to political commentary or how Jordan Peterson can start out as a psychology professor at the University of Toronto, then expand into areas like climate science, culture wars, and political identity. To be clear, I don't think you have to hold a degree to speak on a topic. That would be ridiculous. But we should be wary of how easily confidence can distort how we interpret a message. Popular family physician and content creator Dr. Mike, a different Dr. Mike than I previously mentioned, calls this the epidemic of the I-know-it-all expert. And he argues that our collective discomfort with uncertainty is exactly what allows bad actors to thrive. There are too many of these experts out there claiming to have all of the answers when the rest of the scientific community has questions. Now, this may surprise you, but you and I are both partially, if not more so, to blame for this epidemic. When someone says to us they don't know, we're quick to judge. We're quick to dismiss. The irony, as Dr. Mike points out, is that the real experts, the people worth listening to, are usually the ones most aware of how much they don't know. They're cautious. They're humble. And they understand that science and self-improvement are built on questions, not on having all the answers. This video is sponsored by Squarespace. Now, listen, if you really want to become a legit self-help guru, you're going to need a legit website. So let's build one. Step one, head over to Squarespace to grab the perfect domain, like theminimalistmessiah.com. Step two, use Squarespace's Blueprint AI website builder to design a slick-looking website in minutes. Step three, come up with an inspiring slogan, something like, awaken your inner Matt. And of course, don't forget the essentials. An about page telling the story of how you found yourself at a luxury resort in Thailand. Connect with your audience through heartfelt blog posts about how much you love them. And finally, launch the Matt Lightenment Accelerator program, available for the deeply discounted price of $4,999.99. Or, you know, you could skip all that and just use Squarespace how I actually use it. To host links to my work, collect email signups for my newsletter, and run my business in a way that doesn't take advantage of people. Whether you're a YouTuber, freelancer, or full-time professional, you can get started with a free trial at squarespace.com. And then, when you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash mattdavella, and you'll get 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Thanks to Squarespace for supporting my work and sponsoring this video. The next level up in the self-help guru playbook is reciprocity. Reciprocity is a basic human instinct. It runs so deep in us that we often don't notice how much it shapes who we trust and how we behave. Sometimes it's genuine and unintentional. Other times it's a deliberate strategy designed to win you over. Psychologist Robert Cialdini has written about how the Hare Krishna devotees canvassed in public areas. At first, people rarely donated to them. Many distrusted them or disliked their presence. To change that, the group adopted a new strategy. They gave out small gifts first, often a flower or a small book. We'd like you to have this flower from the Religious Consciousness Church. Would you care to make a donation? No, but thank you anyway. When the person tried to refuse or give it back, the Krishna member would insist, no, this is a gift, it's yours to keep. Only after that would they ask for a donation. Because of this human impulse towards reciprocity, the feeling that one must return kindness, many people felt obliged to donate, even when they didn't really want to. Self-help gurus, content creators, and influencers use this principle in several ways. They constantly remind you that they give away 99% of their content for free, framing it as a gift rather than a source of ad revenue or brand building. It's a simple way you can support me and the team. It's a way you can support us in bringing you world-class experts every single day for free. They offer free resources or guides in exchange for your email, which they later use to sell you a course. In this 100% free training, I'm going to walk you through the entire process. They host free webinars that end in a limited time upsell. Webinars are one of the most valuable things you can do to build your audience and to monetize that audience. We made $1.4 million in 92 minutes, and then we made another $5.2 million two weeks later because of the product we offer. I mean, the politicians can't even steal that much money. None of these strategies are inherently unethical. Lead magnets, the free resources you get in exchange for an email, are everywhere. I even use them myself, and so do many of the creators I genuinely respect. What matters is understanding that very little online is truly free. When you hand over your email, you're likely signing up for a future sales pitch. That's not necessarily bad. That's marketing. The problem is when these tactics are pushed too far, funneling people into high-pressure or predatory sales environments. I'll talk about that a little bit more in the next section. Beyond these sales tactics, there's a deeper, often unspoken version of reciprocity at play. You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours. You and I have been friends for a long time, and we are extremely supportive and fond of one another. Our spouses know each other. There's an unspoken rule in the self-help world. Don't call out other gurus. Don't ask hard questions. Don't rock the boat. Mark Manson, author of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a ****, learned this lesson firsthand. After building one of the most popular self-help podcasts in the world with over 30 million downloads, he eventually decided to quit the interview format altogether. Here's his explanation. I've been in this industry for almost 20 years now. Probably the reason that most of you even give a ---- that I'm talking right now is I try to be independent-minded. I try to say things that maybe need to be said and nobody else is really saying. In the classic podcast format of bringing on kind of star intellectual guests and thought leaders, I felt completely hamstrung to be able to do that. It really sucks to have a notable guest come on the show and start saying something that I actually kind of don't agree with, or I'm familiar with the research they're talking about, but I don't think the research is very good. It puts me in a really tough spot of like, okay, do I start challenging this guest and potentially creating a big argument or a debate on the show, potentially alienating the guests, fans of the guests, alienating the guests themselves, making sure that they're never going to come back to the show? Do I put myself in a position where I'm like, suddenly, I didn't prep for a debate coming into this episode, but now suddenly I'm having to put myself in a headspace of being willing to argue and debate a really smart person? It was just not fun for me. It felt like a no-win situation. Reciprocity is a powerful, often invisible force. It shapes how we view others. It often prevents us from challenging people. And it's probably the reason why it took me so long to make this video. We've ascended to the highest levels of the self-help guru racket. There's just one more level. It's time to cash in. You can't talk about self-help grifting without talking about money, because while the fame and attention might feel nice, this isn't a charity. When it comes to turning a profit in the self-help world, it usually starts with sponsorships. I've come to see sponsorships as a sort of necessary annoyance in modern content creation. As someone who started out with an ad-free model, I didn't do a single sponsorship until I had nearly 100 million views on YouTube. And I can tell you from experience that the fan-funded approach isn't a very effective way to monetize your creative work. Others, like Tim Ferriss, have discovered similar results. People just don't want to donate to every creator they follow, and they're perfectly happy to sit through ads in return for content. So my argument isn't that sponsorships are bad, which might be obvious since I included one in this video. My argument is that creators have to be very careful about the brands they choose to endorse, especially when they're trusted voices in areas like finance, health, and wellness. But for many, it's easy to turn a blind eye when the price gets high enough. One of the most ubiquitous sponsors on YouTube and in podcasting is AG1 by Athletic Greens. You've probably seen it promoted by science communicators, longevity experts, and podcast hosts alike. AG1 by Athletic Greens brings 75 vitamins, minerals, whole food sourced ingredients, probiotics, and adaptogens together in one place. It might just be the most comprehensive and convenient nutritional regimen on the planet. There are enough videos on YouTube talking about the problems with AG1, so I'm not going to get stuck in the weeds here, but I'll quickly summarize a few of the key issues people have with it. AG1's proprietary blend hides weak ingredient dosages. The first five ingredients make up 10 grams of the 12 gram serving, leaving a maximum of 2 grams for everything else. The bold health claims aren't supported by strong evidence. Calling, for example, Athletic Greens a high quality greens powder is a little misleading. I think it's more of a multivitamin. In fact, I'm not impressed with AG1 being anything more than a multivitamin. It's a poor substitute for real nutrition. This is no way going to be superior to consuming fruits and vegetables. And it's overpriced, meaning you're basically just paying for their marketing expenses. My biggest problem with experts promoting this product and products like it is that their credibility gives it a level of legitimacy it hasn't earned. When someone who claims to be an expert in nutrition or fitness says that they take AG1 every morning, most listeners assume that they're making the claim from authority, not because they got paid to say it. I think most people watching this would find it hard to turn down the kind of money AG1 pays out. Dr. Andrea Love cited an anonymous source claiming that Andrew Huberman makes an estimated $40 million from AG1 alone. Simply put, I always feel better when I take AG1. So yeah, hard money to turn down. But it's worth remembering that the people that are making that kind of money are already making millions and millions of dollars anyway. So you have to ask yourself, is it really worth it to risk your reputation? Now for many gurus, sponsorships are just the warm-up. The real money isn't in selling ads, but in selling their own digital products. Courses, masterminds, mentorship programs, and high-ticket retreats are where the industry truly cashes in. It's never just, I'm a guru. It's always, now I have something to sell you. And while there's nothing inherently wrong with selling education or creating paid products, this is often where things start to blur, where genuine teaching crosses over into exploitation. Look at these guys. These guys are spending three days with me. These guys pay $12,000 each to sit in that chair. Three days, I gotta look at their ugly faces. But wait, Matt, didn't you sell a self-help course, you f***ing hypocrite? Yes, in fact, I did. A few years ago, I launched my very own self-help course called Simple Habits. Before we begin, I'd like to give you some background about myself and how I came to teach a course on habit change. I'm not a trained scientist, and I don't have a PhD in my title, but I am a little bit obsessed with change. At the time, it felt like a natural step. I was making videos about self-improvement. So why not create a full course to help people build better habits from scratch? I priced it at $145 and adjusted the cost based on purchasing power. So for example, Zimbabwe paid just $36 for the course. The course was live for a couple years. I invested heavily in updates. And I even hired this awesome guy, Pete, who's a behavioral scientist, to audit it and make sure everything was backed by the latest science. But eventually, I decided to shut it down and offer it for free for anyone who asked. I think I did my best to sell this course with honesty and integrity. I was transparent about my background, careful not to overpromise, and I kept the price accessible. But even with that, I never loved the feeling of selling a self-help course. To market something like this, it's almost impossible not to lean into the expert role, to position yourself as the person with all the answers. And that just made me feel very uncomfortable because that's something I never really liked doing on this channel. That's why I always leaned into habit experiments and teaching from kind of my own failures and mistakes and the things that I've personally learned, not speaking objectively about every topic I talked about. I think that the more that you lean into that guru mode, that expert mode, the more it becomes tempting to tap into people's insecurities and fears. Other people don't really have a problem with it, though. At the heart of every coaching journey is a dream for change. A search for meaning. A search for purpose. A search for who we will become. But without the right guidance, these goals can feel out of reach, leaving us feeling lost, stuck, struggling to find a clear path forward, yearning for something more. True transformation, personally, professionally, globally, never happens alone. And it all starts with $7,000. Jay Shetty Certification School to help you become a life coach costs $7,000, which honestly feels a little bit steep for somebody who's a monk who built his brand on the idea of serving others. But the price tag wasn't the only thing that raised eyebrows. The program's supposed credentials turned out to be just as questionable. The Jay Shetty Certification School claimed that it was affiliated with four different universities in the UK and essentially said that by completing the Jay Shetty Certification School, it would put you on track to receive a master's degree at these universities. By becoming a Jay Shetty Certified Coach, you will gain coaching and business skills, accredited certification, pathway to the individual coach accreditation, marketing support from my platform, and a supportive network of coaches and students. Here's where everything comes full circle, because one of the most powerful tools gurus use to sell their courses is the parasocial bond they've already established. Their teams are trained to leverage that emotional connection to get you across the finish line and hit purchase. You need to get this in the call. Hey, I'm calling because Mr. Cardone wants me to give you something. Okay, what's he want to give me? He wants to give you a program. He's created a sales tool that can increase sales 15 to 40%. Private DMs from Jay Shetty's team to an interested student show how this works. His sales reps message potential students directly from his account, personalizing their pitches, and repeatedly name dropping Jay to reinforce that connection. Let me read some of these. Today, Jay is looking for a few more students to work with us. Is it okay if I ask you a couple questions from Jay to help us work out if you're a good fit for Jay's case study? Jay can't wait to help you with that over the next 49 days, especially with Jay and our team keeping you accountable on our live calls. He filmed a short six-minute video for you with all the details. Wow, that's amazing that he took the time to record a six-minute video just for this person. I love the surprise he has for you at the end. Hey, again. Jay wanted to know if there was something he did a bad job of breaking down. Oh, my God. So, this is crazy. A good number of Jay's students are joining because of COVID-19. In their opinion, they have no idea how long this crisis will last. So, they believe that an extra source of online income is the safest bet for the safety of them and their families. That's crazy. They're using the pandemic and the fear of the pandemic to try to get people to purchase the course. Jay doesn't charge $100,000 like colleges because he's on a mission to help people find their passion and turn it into real income. Oh, my God, Jay. That's amazing. That's so generous that you don't charge $100,000 for your online course. That's f***ing crazy. If you don't want to join Jay and our family, that's totally okay. It's a family now. This actually sounds like a f***ing cult. Here's the thing that like is really upsetting about this, right? Like you see these kind of pushy persuasive sales strategies using parasocial bonding, using that connection that they have with this influential figure, using fear to try to get somebody over the edge. This person clarifies in the DMs that they're making $20,000 a year. Like you're still pushing hard on selling this person a $7,000 course when they're making $20,000 a year. I would actively encourage this person not to buy the product. If you don't have the money, please don't buy this course. Please don't. Come on. Can we just be better? So one question you might be having at this point, especially if like me, you enjoy self-help content or even follow some of the people that I talked about in this video is this. Even if their tactics are questionable, isn't there still a net good? It's a fair question. Many of the most popular self-help figures have millions of followers, glowing testimonials, best-selling books, and countless stories from people whose lives have been improved. That's real. And I don't want to dismiss the positive impact some of their work has had. But both things can be true at the same time. They have helped people. And they're also engaging in practices that are manipulative or misleading. Because many of these people are smart. In some cases, brilliant. It's hard to accept the idea that they just didn't know any better. They know exactly what they're doing. And at a certain point, the motivation stops being about impact and starts being about greed. More money, more fame, more power. Because for many of these figures, enough never seems to be enough. And ego and influence often go hand in hand. So yes, you can appreciate the good things and the good advice that these people have offered up. And you can also hold them accountable.