Funniest Steve TV Moments That Had Everyone Crying | Steve Harvey

And let me ask you a question. You ever have one of those moments where stuff just starts spiraling out of control? You don't really know it. You wasn't really counting on it. You just got yourself in a situation, all of a sudden, you don't know how it's gonna play out. Have you been there before? Well, I got in one of those situations yesterday during Harvey's hundreds. You know, the way we do Harvey's hundreds now is we take a picture of everybody before the show starts, right? And then we just have a generator and it just pops everybody's pictures up. And then randomly, I go stop. Whatever picture it stops on, that's who wins. Yesterday, Michelle Kennedy won. She was a woman from Houston, Texas. She won. She was in the audience. Her picture popped up. All hell broke loose. This woman could not believe she had got picked. Roll the tape. This just the beginning. Now, apparently what happened, Michelle had a dream that she had met me on the show. So she was supposed to come to the show and meet me. That was her whole dream. So her and her girlfriend get on the plane and they flew to LA. Now, they're supposed to fly right back after the show. That was her dream. This, she's telling us this is the dream she had. Well, at least that's what I think she was trying to tell me. Cause I had some trouble following what she was saying cause it was a lot going on. Watch the tape. I can't believe this is happening. My Jesus, mama, mama, mama. Mama, oh Lord. She was, ah yes. You dreamed about it. Stephanie came. I called her last week. I said, I've been dreaming about Steve. Stephanie the only one to come. Stephanie. I'm not working. Stephanie. So I made the money. Stephanie retired. She was on the police force for 27 years. And I said, Stephanie, you gotta come. You gotta come with me to LA. Stephanie said, let's go. And we here, Lord Jesus. Roll it back. Now right here, go. After you dreamed about Steve. You dreamed about it. Now, she touching me too much. I called her last week. Stephanie the only one to come. Stephanie. I'm not working. Stephanie. So I made the money. Stephanie retired. Was on the police force for 27 years. And I said, Stephanie, you gotta come. You gotta come with me to LA. Stephanie said, let's go. And we here, Lord Jesus. This woman was beating me to death. She was heavy-handed. And this woman was just beating on me. And I was just trying to, hey. You know, I wanna wear this suit again. I need this. I was gonna wear it more than once. What you tearing on my clothes for? You know, and I couldn't get away from her. Here was the beautiful thing. She walked away with $1,000. Michelle is back home in Houston right now. I just wanted to say, she's safe and sound. I wanted to say congratulations. I wanted to say it was nice having you here. And if you ever have any other dreams about coming back to the show, just please call ahead of time. So we'll know you coming. I love her, man. One of the nicest ladies, man. Michelle Kennedy, I love you. Hey, I don't know if you saw this or not. I wanna bring this to your attention. Recently, an NFL football player named Vontae Davis who plays for the Buffalo Bills, he did something that got him a lot of heat on the internet. His team was losing 28 to six at halftime. He quit. Yeah, at halftime. He retired from football at halftime. His teammates was getting ready to go back out on the field for the second half. Vontae changed his clothes. Now seriously, took his suit off, shoulder pads, just took it off, changed his clothes, got in his car and drove home. No, seriously, this really happened. Devontae never happened in the history of a game. At halftime, I don't know who hit him. Somebody hit him in the first half, changed his whole mind about football. Somehow. But the reason I'm bringing it up, cause we've all been there at some point about something. I know I have. I have been on the job and sat up there on the assembly line and said, damn it, I done had enough. I can't do this no more. Seriously, let me tell you something. There is probably a guy that's been making donuts for 20 years. Same job. I'm pretty sure one day he said, after I glazed this last dozen, I'm gonna glaze one more dozen. I'm gonna put three of these in my pocket and I'm outta here. I ain't doing this no more. How about in a relationship, ladies? Come on, ladies. You sitting across the table from him. You looking at him. You know he ain't the one. You looking at him and you know he ain't the one. Why you on this date? You don't even understand why you told him yes. You looking at him. You know it ain't nothing about him. You sitting over there and you thinking to yourself, I'm gonna eat these last four wings. Hold up. But hear the move they put on you. I'm gonna eat these last four wings. I'm gonna go to the bathroom. I come out the bathroom, drying my hair, table that way, car that way. It's about to be cold season, you know when people start catching colds. I just wanna talk about what happens to men when men catch colds. And I'm talking on behalf of the ladies right now. Cause I don't know what is it when your big, burly, rough, hard, hood, man gets sick, he turn into a little boy. He just turns into a little boy. I mean, women be sitting up there looking at him. Women be going, this is not the man I married. Men, because there's different types of guys that get sick. First one I wanna talk about, these are the helpless ones. You got guys that become helpless. Ladies, you've all experienced this right here. The ones that need everything. Hey, can someone come in here and change the channel for me? I'm too weak to work the remote. I'm freezing. Can somebody come in here and pull the covers up on me? Women be going, what the hell is wrong with that? Anybody gonna feed me? And then you got the men where ain't nothing right. You trying to work with them. You trying to help him. Ain't nothing right. The soup ain't hot enough. I don't get but six crackers. Baby, you ain't gonna cut the ends off the bread. You know I like my sandwiches with no ends on it. But here is the worst man that gets sick. This is the ones I like to call the end of the worlders. You know, where the whole world about to end. Jessica, it's a cold. Dog, you got a cold. You're not terminal. You gonna get over this. NyQuil, boom, you back in the morning. But that ain't good enough. Then they say stuff like, oh, I don't need anything. Guess I'll just lay here and die. Dog, it's a cold. And the women don't know what to do. Honey, I'm going to work. Take care of yourself. Well, you know, when you get back from work, I'll probably already be dead. Then they drag the Lord into it. Call everybody down at the church. Tell them to pray for me. I'm going to glory. Oh, here goes a good one. I'm coming, Elizabeth. I wanna talk to fellas. I've been talking to ladies a lot. I wanna talk to fellas right now. Ladies, you're gonna enjoy this though. Fellas, let me ask you a question. Have you ever blurted, you ever got in trouble because you blurted out something real fast, your mouth spit it out, what your brain was thinking, but you really didn't mean to say it out loud though? Thank you, sir. Oh, me and him, me and him, the only one. Fellas, you ain't ever said nothing and you wasn't really paying attention, but you said it out loud and it kind of got out there and got you in a little bit of trouble? You ever had your girl say, Mom, them coming over today again? I watched my uncle do this to my aunt one time. This is true right here. She walked in and said, you want me to make that banana pudding? He said, not if you gonna make it like you did last time. Like he hadn't said nothing. You want me to make some banana pudding? Not if you gonna make it like you did last time. All right. I've seen this one happen before. One of my, I was over at my partner's house. His wife came in, she said, hey baby, Sandra coming over. He said, baby, you got two girls friends named Sandra. You talking about the one with that, got that thing come, you got, and he just, and as he caught himself, he was trying to back out of it, but he had started to hand gesture. He said, and I was standing over there looking at him going, too late. It's time to talk to ladies. Gotta talk to ladies. I wanna talk to you ladies about the thing that women love about men. One thing I found that attracts women to men is confidence. You do not want a man that shows and exhibits signs of weakness. You don't need that. Because it ain't no room for you to be weak. You know, sometimes you wanna come in and just fall apart. You come home and he done already fell apart. I'm gonna teach you some words you can use in front of anybody that'll make you sound more confident. You ready? Are you ready? Statement number one, that ain't none of your business. That's right there. Here's another one right here. Ain't nobody fittin' to do all that. Here's one more. The meeting don't start till I get to the meeting. All right, ladies, this question is for you. I was reading this survey recently, and I have a question for you. Do attractive men get away with more? Well, let an unattractive man answer that. Hell yeah, they do. Yeah, they do. And you know they do. They get away with way more being attractive than an ugly dude. I know that for a fact, cause I've had to answer way more questions with this face growing up, I promise you, than Denzel Washington had to ask. Denzel ain't went through what I went through. He didn't have to, cause he was Denzel. I wasn't nobody but Steve. This one, you know you ain't attractive. They don't even pronounce all the letters in your name. What's up, Steve? Cause they cut your name short so they can get it over with. I'll tell you something about ugly men, though. If you're dating an ugly man, they check in more. Oh, they check in more. Yeah, yeah, they ain't checking in so you can know where they're at. They checking in to make sure you ain't left yet. Hey, girl. Hey, baby, it's me. I'm just checking in. You still there? We still together? Thank you. You seen anybody pretty today? That's good, that's good. I'll be home soon as I get off work. Yeah, thank you. Because ladies, how many of you have tried to stop an ugly dude from calling you? It's hard, ain't it? You know why? Cause ugly men persistent. They more determined than attractive men. The options ain't as good. So you gave us the number, doggone it. You got to answer. The thing about dating an ugly man though, it's advantages, lady. You date an ugly man, he ain't ever too busy. You can call him for anything. You need your refrigerator and your sofa moved up to the third floor? You don't call nobody cute. You call an ugly man, be right there. Be right there. And in 23 minutes, he got that refrigerator and that sofa up on that third floor by himself. Now there's some features that ugly men can have that won't make them so ugly anymore. See ladies, you need to look at some of these features. Cause some of these features can help you overlook some of these flaws. Here's a good feature to have. A house. He got his own house. You got an apartment, he got a house. Sexy, ain't it? Starting to feel him a little bit, huh? You understand what I'm saying? How about this right here? A nice car. You got a bus pass, he got a nice car. He's starting to come up a little bit. You starting to feel a little bit different by a little ugly. I'm trying to tell you. How about this right here? A good high paying six figure job. Why is he still ugly? It can't be. Six figures, you got to put your finger in your mouth and go, you know what? He kind of cute. Hey, I got a question. What is it about free stuff that makes us lose our mind? Cause it's free. You say the word free and people go crazy. Free food, free beer, free sample, free car wash. Tell you something. That's actually how they move merchandise in the store. Buy two, get one free. Now you so stupid. You don't know that you done actually bought three things. They done suck at you into buying these two things for this price so high that you done paid for the third item. But since they told you it was free, that's it. And free stuff make you act out of character. How many of y'all in here today would like to walk out of here with something absolutely free? Now listen, that ain't going to happen. But I just wanted to show you how big a fool you at when you hear about some free stuff. See, I wouldn't care if I had stipulations on it. If I said, I'll give you something free, but you got to give up your firstborn. But then there's two of y'all going, well, what is it that you have that's free though? You can put, let me tell you how free stuff works. You can take a beat up sofa, I don't care how bad the shape is in, cushions tow up, sit it on your front tree line. You can see bad bugs on it. I mean, sitting on the sofa with their legs crossed, looking at traffic, waving. The bad bug, you can, the bad bugs is sitting on the couch waving. But if you put free on it, by morning, you won't have a couch. Cause that's how they do. You go to Costco, what they got? Free samples. You know good and well, you don't need to be nothing on that, nothing on that tray. It ain't covered, it's got a toothpick in it, and it's free. It ain't covered, people been breathing on it. You know good and well, you ain't supposed to eat that. Walking around with a handful of them toothpicks. You lactose intolerant. Just cheese. Cause it's free. Allergic to mushrooms. But if it's got a toothpick in it, and it's free, you just walking around Costco, just eating. Stop being excited about free stuff. Everything free, ain't free. You don't believe fat meat greasy. Somebody, somebody asked me the other day, you know I'm a comedian, right, so people asked me the other day, they said, Steve, you make people laugh all the time. What makes you laugh? I said, that's easy. You know what makes me laugh? Watching my kids deal with they kids the way I had to deal with them. That's what I like. I be hollering, I be hollering laughing. It's the funniest thing I've ever seen. Cause I be hearing my, don't you just love it when you hear your kids say, they don't listen. I tell them what to do and they don't do nothing I say. They look at me like I'm stupid. I told you, you was stupid when you was little. Now your kids looking at you just the way you are. You know what else makes me laugh? I tell you what else is funny to me, man. Being a grandparent, giving my grandkids stuff that they parents won't let them have. That's one of my great joys. I love it. Candy, sugar, ice cream, cigars. It was crazy. Two of my daughters don't eat meat. They're vegan. Okay, I do. So one of my grandsons came over. He's never had meat in his life. So I gave him a piece of beef jerky. You know, made it a little tough, but he was just amped. My daughter came in the room and was mortified. Daddy, what are you doing? The boy like beef jerky. He like beef. He don't wanna be no vegan. Look at this boy's face. Do this look like the face of a vegan to you? This boy eating meat and is overjoyed. Let the boy make a damn decision. And here's the funniest part. At one point, the grandkids have to go home. But they don't ever wanna go home. They wanna stay with Papa and Nana. They wanna stay with us. And they be kicking and screaming going out the door. I be standing in the hall, I be in the doorway just laughing. I don't wanna go home. You know why they don't wanna go home? Cause they don't like y'all. I told you that. And when y'all was babies driving me crazy, I didn't like y'all either. So if you wanna know what make me laugh, that's what make me laugh. Can I talk to men for just a minute? I just wanna talk to men. I wanna talk to you about chivalry. Chivalry. And the way I want you to look at chivalry, fellas, is just going that extra mile to just make your lady feel special. That's all I'm saying. Chivalry really isn't dead. Chivalry never should have died. It's just little simple stuff that we forgot to teach the generation under me. We forgot to tell them, you're supposed to open a car door for a woman. You're really supposed to do that. You're supposed to do that. It's crazy. And it's just really simple. It's just making her feel special. It ain't like, oh, she can't open the door. Yes, she can open the door. But if you opened it for her, what would you get in return for that? If you understand. See, that's all it is. I'm gonna tell you something, man. I better not forget to open the car door for Marjorie. That's just gonna be a, it's gonna be a problem. Like, you know, we'll come out the restaurant sometimes, get to laughing, girl, you're so great. I'll go over there with that key, and she'll be standing on the other side. She'll just be standing there. She'll just turn into a mannequin. She'll just stand there. And I'll be putting the key in the door, and they'll look up, and I'll go, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I'll ease on around the back of the car, ha, ha, ha, ha. Go on over there, open that doggone door. You'll make a game out of it. Beat your girl to the restaurant door and open it. Beat her to the mall door and open it, man. It's just, you can do anything. Chivalry ain't just action. It's complimenting. Compliment your girl. Just say, baby, you losing weight. Let me tell you something. If you say to your woman, baby, you losing weight, immediately, her whole walk changed. I don't care if she ain't lost an ounce. And you know she ain't lost an ounce. But if you say it, though, the compliment raises people, man. It just makes everybody happy. Flowers, you can just give her flowers. Give her flowers for no reason. In L.A., you don't have an excuse. There's flowers and oranges on every corner. Every corner. Your girl don't like flowers? Grab a bag of them oranges and walk on in there. She in the house cooking dinner? Walk up behind her. Put your hand on her back, baby. Them pork chops sure smell good. Man, them things, God. Girl, you cooking tonight. Do you know what will happen? The rest of your night gonna have a whole lot more flavor in it if you just get a little chivalry. That's all I'm saying, fellas. Don't let chivalry die. Have you ever had to use your credit to buy something? Anybody in here other than me who had bad credit? You don't have to raise your hand. It's okay. I know you're here. Let me just tell you this. I know you're here, but let me just be the bunt of this joke. I had bad credit. My credit score was so low. My credit score and my thermostat had the same number, 75. When you got bad credit, news travel fast. They wouldn't even take my check at church. Brother Harvey, we're so happy to have you here as a member of the wonderful Cleveland Church of Christ. We have an ATM machine in the lobby. Would you mind taking this check and you go out there and see if it works for you first? I said I'd do that. You ever had credit so bad, you ever had to put your bills in somebody else's name? I had my electric bill in my dog's name. The electrical company used to call the house with an attitude. Yes, so when do you think Mr. Sparky can come down here and pay his bills? Know your name ain't no Sparky. But I go right along with it. Well, Mr. Sparky's busy right now. He's outside chasing cars. He won't be able to make it in today. Tell you something else. You ever been at the counter with your girl trying to rent a car, but your credit wasn't good? You can always tell the person at the car rental place who has bad credit because they talk in real low voices. You ever notice that? People that ain't got credit, they not loud. Because they ask you questions at the thing. They say, and whose name is this going to be in, sir? Oh, it's gonna be in her name. Excuse me, sir. Who's gonna be driving the vehicle? Oh, she's gonna be driving. She'll be driving the car right there. Come on, come on. Writers, come on. They wrote that joke. Yeah, that's what I'm doing from now on. I'm sitting out here just trying to make a joke work and it don't work. Oh, no. I'm gonna start having the people who wrote the joke come out here and see how it feel. The little walk of shame. Just come on.