Afternoon tea with Hyacinth Keeping Up Appearances BBC Comedy Greats

See, it doesn't even wobble. So why can't I do it when Hyacinth's here? Elizabeth! Get together, dear. And help me shift this car. Who's that pushing the car with Rose? You see? It's Councillor Mrs. Nugent. Oh! Mrs. Nugent! How kind of you to volunteer. Volunteer? How dare one not? When someone his size says, give us a push, you give him a push. Have you seen the driver? Obviously some kind of thug. She's obviously his mole. Lots of people to have around your place, Mrs. Bucket. We are all here to help each other, I always think. Especially those suitable to serve on your committee. Very odd people. Well, of course they're not really like this. They're in a film. A film? Yes, my husband's film. Your husband makes films? I never knew that. Oh, yes. He's out now, scouting. For locations. How jolly interesting. I must say, someone's made these people up tremendously well. Extraordinary realism. Thank you. I swear he'd look like that all his life. They've got your type dead, right? Do you mind? Who do you think you're... Push the car, Rose. Time for another rehearsal, Rose. Push the car. Rather fun, really. What part are you playing? Elizabeth hasn't changed yet. Her costume's inside. What about yours, Mrs. Bucket? Oh, my costume's inside, too. Not a small part for a busy counsellor, would you? Wouldn't have a place on your committee for an enthusiastic, loyal, highly regarded lady, well versed... I should think something could be pitched. Let's go inside and discuss our roles. Ah, there you are. And almost on time. Come in. And there's Sheridan and Sherringham in his little sailor suit. Super. And there he is dawdling on a donkey at Dawlish. Bless him, he was fearless. Then why is he crying? Well, I... Because the donkey was carrying him away from his mummy. Always very close. Another cup of aromatic, not roasted special. No! No, thank you, I'm fine. Elizabeth, oh, yours must be cold. No, no, no, thank you, Hyacinth. No, I'm always a bit uneasy with your best china. No, I'm quite happy with my biscuit. Good, but just watch the crumbs, won't you? Royal Doulton hand-painted periwinkle is not really my best china. It's just my everyday best. My really best best I shall keep for another time when you come for a more formal occasion. Perhaps a little musical soirée followed by a little candlelight supper. Now, I've got another album somewhere. Well, thank you for the coffee and the tour through your albums, but we really have to be going. No, you can't go now. Not now, not right now. Not until you've seen the other album. Desolate as I am not to see another album, I really do think... Excuse me, don't move. No, just sit there. I'll be back. Whatever you say. Oh, let's go. I don't think I can face yet another album. No, she said don't move. We can't exactly be under house arrest. Can we? Let's go and find Daddy immediately. We ain't doing that. Can I just make a phone call to Mr. Picker, sir? No, Rose. Not to one of your gentleman friends on my white slimline telephone. The instrument through which I have to speak to Sheridan. Supposing there were a cross line and he picked up some residue of your conversation. We must go and find Daddy now. We thought he might be here. Daddy would never come here looking for his rational book. Not in his long johns. Now just go and find him immediately. Will you get into the car, Onslow? Now, Onslow. She could do with a drop of water for the radiator. The water here wouldn't be suitable for your kind of work. That's it. That sounds fine. Off you go, Onslow. But Hyacinth, supposing Daddy... Goodbye, dear. Give me a ring if you find Daddy. Oh, Daddy. Out there somewhere, facing the might of the Luftwaffe. How many little flowers do in an English country garden? La la la la la la la la la la la. Would you like thatch? Well, I usually have cornflakes. Richard, pay attention, dear. I'm speaking of our cottage. Should it be thatched, do you think? You mean as well as heavily mortgaged? Oh, you're serious then? Oh, I like the look of thatch, but is it practical? I mean, when we're entertaining, and I've laid one of my elegant executive tables, the last thing I want is bits of straw falling into people's vicious smiles. Executive entertaining? That's more like you, Hyacinth. We're not really country material. Oh, nonsense, dear. I shall develop a country version of my candlelight suppers. A sort of ploughman's soiree. To be a farmer's boy. To be a farmer's boy. Richard! Voice rips straight through me. She could remove people's socks with a voice like that. Is this hat suitable, dear? For what? For looking at country cottages. I mean, does it look rural in a sophisticated way? Or would you wear this one? No, it wouldn't suit me. Don't be silly, Richard. Now concentrate. Which hat? This? Or this? Hyacinth, I hate decisions of this magnitude. First thing in the morning it's unreasonable. You don't like my hats. I never said I didn't like your hats. Richard, is this the first chink in our marriage? What about men in midlife crisis? Now owning you, Richard, I will not have you being unfaithful to my hats. Come along in, Elizabeth. Thank you, Hyacinth. Wipe your feet, dear. You really shouldn't have bothered to invite me for a coffee, Hyacinth, when you're so busy. Oh, I have everything under control, dear. A well-regulated household ought to be able to find time to make a cup of coffee for a neighbour. However glittering the occasion this evening. Do sit down, Elizabeth. No, not there, dear. I like to face the window. Perhaps Emmett would like to pop in for a coffee. No, thank you, Hyacinth. I think he's busy. Oh, well, that's nice. Keep his mind off his divorce. He mustn't feel that he's alone. I don't think he does, Hyacinth. Not since he met you. How very kind. Will you have my better china, Elizabeth, if you promise to be careful? Or a beaker? Beaker, Hyacinth. Definitely a beaker. I think perhaps that's wise, don't you? Who else is coming this evening? Anyone I know? Your sister, Violet, perhaps? One with the swimming pool? Well, no, actually. Oh, sorry to hear that. Well, it can't be helped, you know. Bruce isn't at all well. Nothing serious, I hope. Well, I think he could just do with a change. That's probably the telephone. Richard'll take it. It might be Sheridan. He loves to ring me and tell me about his new friends. Milk? No, thank you. He's made some very, very nice new friends. Sugar? No, thank you, Hyacinth. Nice friends are so important, aren't they? Biscuits? And I don't mean the hearty sporting crowd, either. All Sheridan's friends are very artistic. Hello, Liz. Telephone, Hyacinth. Your sister, Violet, again. Oh, Violet, yes. The one with the swimming pool and room for a polo. Perhaps Bruce is coming after all. He is not. What is it now, Violet? No, I haven't a girdle that might fit Bruce. No, I don't think it's important. Look, I resent the idea that I'm the only one you know who has a girdle. I will not pass my discontinued girdles on to Bruce. Well, if he's suddenly ashamed of his tummy, why doesn't he lose weight? Oh, why do you pamper him, Violet? I mean, apart from the money and the Mercedes. I want you to be the first to know, Elizabeth. I'm going to be alarmed. Oh, you needn't be alarmed, Hyacinth. I haven't touched it yet. No, dear. Richard is going to alarm me for our wedding anniversary. Oh, thank you. Well, you have to admire his spirit after all these years. It's his surprise for me. To alarm you for your wedding anniversary? Yes. He's getting a firm of specialists in to do it. I thought he'd forgotten. For one terrible moment, I thought he'd forgotten. Hello, boy. Hello, Vicar. Good morning. Yes, of course, dear. Well, you had me wondering there for a moment. I think it's sweet of Richard to want to secure me against intruders. Is it because of the burglary at number 23? Oh, no, dear. He ordered it some time ago. I believe that he feels as I do that someone has to set the tone for the neighbourhood. Will it be a very loud tone, Hyacinth? Oh, yes, dear, of course. But in the best possible taste. You know, people must have been wondering why I haven't been alarmed before. After all, there is extensive interest in my royal doulton with the hand-painted periwinkles. Yes, I can assure you that the whole neighbourhood knows about it. There you are, you see. Biscuit? No, thank you. And then there's Sheridan's pearl button collection. No, I'm afraid you're nobody these days without a burglar alarm. There you are, dear. Ready for breakfast? Well, just the usual. No, no, no. Not the usual. Something special. Now, what would you really like this morning for breakfast? You just sit there and think about it and tell me. Here, full English breakfast. Oh, it's been a long time since you cooked me a full... One full English breakfast coming up. Oh, first I must just catch the postman. Enjoy your orange juice, dear. All that lovely vitamin C. Really good mood. I don't like this at all. I've got a stone in my shoe. Don't you just hate it when you get a stone in your shoe? Have you anything for me? Yes. I knew it. He's pretending he's forgotten and all the time I... Is this all? That's it. Well, there must be some mistake. I'm expecting a package from my husband. Sorry, no more for Bucket. Are you sure? This is most inconvenient. My husband's anniversary gift is lurking somewhere in your sorting houses. You can tell the postmaster general... I don't see him that often. Did you hear more about this? He started to doze off again. This would be a good time, then. It doesn't take much to wake him. Which is more than could be said for some people. Right. Operation Daddy. Poor Daddy. He's sleeping now. Sit down, Hyacinth. This one's yours. No sugar, right? Thank you. No sugar, that's right. I've been wanting to talk to you. Now, you know I would have Daddy with us, but he brings Sheridan out in a rash. It's not about Daddy. I've been wanting to talk to you privately. It's about Onslow. I warned you, Daisy, not to marry him. I like being married to him. I think you're so brave, dear. It's just that we don't seem to be... you know... as close as we used to be. I was wondering if you and Richard were still... you know... as close as you used to be. Oh, yes, of course. Yes, absolutely. I think Richard and I are the perfect pair. I can't think of a couple I admire more. I think that's nice. How do you keep his... Attention? Oh, just raise your voice, dear. I've been meaning to ask you, Dickie. You and Hyacinth sleep in the same bedroom, don't you? Yes, why? And share a double bed? Yeah. You've got some nerve. I really do admire that. Just between you and me, how do you handle things when she gets a bit... you know... friendly? Friendly? Well, Hyacinth runs a very clean establishment, but I wouldn't call it friendly. What would you do if, in the middle of the night, you suddenly felt a friendly arm around you? I'd get straight up. I'd know I was in the wrong bed. And you mean you still find Onslow desirable? I always think he's like Marlon Brando in Streetcar Named Desire. Control yourself, Daisy. You're a married woman. Marriage is a fine institution designed to eradicate feelings like that. I know what your trouble is. You've nothing to polish. You've no royal dootin'. I know. What about flower arranging? I don't think that would be quite the same thing.