You Can't Fix Stupid _ Tammy Pescatelli

You know what, you're fun in like a good way. People are so ridiculously stupid now they don't have a sense of humor. That's why I'm excited they're going to make the station wagon again. Right? Because that's when this country had a sense of humor. Not only was a car with basement paneling hilarious. Like is that a vehicle? Is it a forest? What the hell is passing me? I don't know what that is. If you were a kid who had to sit in that very back seat of that station wagon, that seat that faced the oncoming traffic, right away you knew you were the disposable child. This was the hierarchy of the 70s. Because your parents knew at any moment that death trap back door might just swing open and your little ass would just roll right out. They wouldn't even pull over to get you. They didn't even love you that much. They'd just slow the car down. Roll down the other way. Get the hell back in this car. And you'd have to apologize. I'm sorry. It's a different time. If you had that station wagon, it was really the best as a kid because your parents couldn't see you so you could do whatever the hell you wanted. You could pretend to be kidnapped in the back seat. No one cared. You'd be in the back. And you know people had a sense of humor back then. Because what did other drivers do? Nothing. Nothing. Maybe honk the horn, make a face at your parents. Nowadays, let's see if people have a sense of humor. Tomorrow when you're not doing anything, see if you got a kid. Make him pretend to be kidnapped in the back seat of your car. Just for fun. Please. There'd be choppers and flares and Nancy Grace at the exit. I love Nancy Grace. I do. I love her. I wish I was her friend because she needs a friend. No, she does. She really does because if she had, she has no good girlfriends. I know she has no good girlfriends. You know how I know? Because I'm a good girlfriend. And I know that she has no good girlfriends because if she had one good female friend, they'd tell her you shouldn't wear that little baby beret right here. No one's going to take you seriously as an attorney, really. It's not going to work out with the butterfly right there. It's purple and plastic. Please, take it off. I'm a good friend. I'm a 3 a.m. friend. You call me at 3 o'clock in the morning. Boom, I'm there. If I catch the phone. Well, no, you got to have friends. Friends are important. Get a dumb friend. That's wonderful. The quality of your life will skyrocket. Because no matter how bad your day is, you caught that idiot. You feel so much better by yourself. She's not just dumb. She's damn dumb. You just look at her and you go, damn, you're dumb. It's not that people are dumber than they used to be. It's just that now we let them out of the house. That's all it is. In the old days, their families used to cover for them. Don't you remember? Like there was always one kid in every neighborhood you weren't allowed to play with. Remember in the summertime, he'd be behind the screen door in his underwear and cowboy boots eating a fudge. I won't play. I won't play. Now he's your friend on Facebook. You know you don't even like those people. You just want to be popular. I don't even like half the people I know. And Facebook's just a place for desperate women to find the hot kid from the slow class. Like at least somebody remembers me when I was pure. The internet used to be the information superhighway. Now it's just one more place where you got to duck a friend. Right? Because we don't have that one friend that will forward you every email they have ever received. Thought you would like this. You open up, it's like an Amish guy taking a dump in the woods. What the hell is wrong with you? You think I would like that? Now I got to forward it to 11 other people for good luck. Because you know you try to delete it, right? Like you do and you go, wait a minute, what if the dancing troll really does grant my fondest wish at 11-11? Then you got to find 10 other douches to send it to. It's a whole procedure. Find a funny. By the way, if I offend any of you tonight by anything I say, good. You probably needed to hear it. And I'm sure as ---- never going to apologize for anything I say. That's not who I am, ask my mother. People just are so uptight anymore. We're just ruining our lives. We're talking about things all the time. We're so sensitive. Bullying, bullying, bullying. Come on, everybody's been bullied. You know that. You know that. If I asked each and every one of you tonight as you left here, have you ever had a day that you felt picked on or bullied? Do you know what each and every one of you would tell me? A story. And you know, I would say is your new best 3am friend? Get the hell over it. That's what I would tell you. Happiness is a choice because we have all had those days. I'm 100% Sicilian. You don't even know bullying until you grow up in an ethnic family. Okay? Whatever was your flaw in our house was your nickname. I got a brother, he's got a crooked eye. He's Uncle Cock Eye to my son to this day. You understand? It made us tough. That way when you went to school and someone tried to pick on you, you'd be like, that's nothing. You should come home and see what Nona said to me at dinner last night. I remember people go, when did you become a comic? I'll tell you, seventh grade. That was the first day I knew it. Came home, there was a note on my pillow that said, you're a big nose freak. Love, Dad. That's why when I get upset with my cousin, I tell you, she's not dumb. She just doesn't pay attention to things. She's oblivious. I'm not oblivious. I watch everything. I should have been a detective. I watch everybody's behavior because as an observationist, you can tell when people are crazy. It's easier. That crazy just doesn't ******* sneak right up on you. Especially women. You can tell if a woman is crazy. Easy. Watch it. Men, you should never ever say, oh, my ex went crazy. Nope. She was crazy when you met her. You just wanted to sleep with her. That's it. She didn't go crazy. She lives in crazy. You can tell if a woman's crazy. Want some hints? I'll tell you. You see a white woman over 40 with a flower in her hair and you're not in Hawaii, crazy ----'s about to go down. You should duck and cover because that vagina is a black hole of neediness right there. You will never fulfill that woman ever. Not enough attention in the world. Women are easy to tell if they're crazy. You can tell if a woman's crazy in direct proportion to her eyebrows. The thinner the eyebrow, the crazier the bra. My mother-in-law shaves hers off and draws them back on and she's playing at bananas. That joke deserves a way better response. But see, some of you are sitting there trying to figure out how thick or thin your eyebrows are. Your men are giving me hostage signals.