Kevin Bridges Jokes About Tax-Dodging Comedians | Jokes On Us

Great to be here great to be back How are we feeling Feeling good Thanks for that Beautiful welcome there Thanks for coming out I appreciate that First of all spending your hard-earned money on a ticket to see me during these tough times— thanks so much for that Means a lot Sold-out show Yeah In these tough times spending your hard- earned money on a ticket to see any comedian this year knowing there's a good chance we're paying next to nothing in taxes Well done on that People thought Jimmy Carr had it rough Wait until the press finds out about me I'm still signing on That's just a little joke A small icebreaker for anyone Thank you Shocking revelation I just don't understand these people Avoiding taxes How much damn money do you even need These ultra -rich individuals with like thirty million pounds in offshore accounts If you've got 30 million pounds don't put it in an offshore account—put it in a current account and damn well look at it I'll never use an ATM again Just going to go press the button to display my balance Here we go Your balance is 30 million pounds Today you may withdraw 300 pounds A double dip recession That's what we're calling it That's what we're in Double dip I don't even know what that means That used to be a good thing Double dip Since when did that become a bad thing These damn bankers have ruined everything It’s like an orange and cherry sherbet with a swizzle stick I don't fully understand it I read last week that America is in 16 trillion dollars of debt That is absolutely unacceptable How the hell do you get into 16 trillion dollars Someone at the IMF had better get on the phone and tell you you 've got until Friday Trying to make us look like fools here 16 trillion America is broke Europe is broke I hope Africa has some great rock bands because we need a concert That's my solution It's their damn turn I can show you some promotional videos This is Gordon and Diane from Bishop Briggs I can't bring myself to watch these videos Why do they always show you this stuff when you're having your tea Do you notice that Gordon and Diane like so many others took out a fixed-rate mortgage Everyone is heading home The world can be such a damn cruel place Puts things into perspective It was only this morning I had the nerve to complain about having to walk twenty miles for clean water Then you ******* see this Every time I snap my fingers a newly married couple from Dumfries has their credit card application rejected A double-dip recession I've got mates who've lost their jobs I know people who' ve gone beyond unemployment I've got people in my social circle I've got friends someone I can only describe as being completely jobless I know it's not fully using the English language but that's what's being created these days— people who 've been completely forgotten people who are utterly unemployed They've just been forced to accept the rut they're in They' re miserable at home They're stuck in their routines The house is up for sale Then it's man versus food They're absolutely certain they were mis-sold PPI Every 15 minutes you see that ad on your phone —where the hell is my damn PPI I don’t know what it stands for but I want it back I need that money so I can adopt a snow leopard I feel for them It must be tough under the coalition government I love their proposals for tackling the job crisis—David Cameron and the team are launching work experience programmes to create jobs for people just like regular jobs the only difference being you don't get paid if you're unemployed you get to work but receive no wages all to boost your self-esteem How ******* condescending—that's exactly what people need Last Friday of the month I'm going to check and see if my self-esteem's still in Feeling a little down Oh thank goodness it's self-esteem Friday Gonna try to pay these bills Hi is that British Gas Listen mate I'm flat broke but I feel great I'm wondering if you'ready to embrace self-esteem Or maybe I could just go on Skype and smile at you What do you think To prevent people from falling into depression David Cameron spoke about work experience programmes noting that Pound Stretcher was one of the first shops to join these initiatives with employees gaining experience working at Pound Stretcher For no pay—that's pretty ******* depressing Working in a shop where everything is worth a pound except you It's about as depressing as it gets isn't it mate Look at these guys—what the hell would David Cameron know about being unemployed He's never been unemployed in his life He's never woken up at 3 o'clock in the afternoon just as David Cameron never has He's never had a packet of flaming hot Monster Munch for breakfast David Cameron has never known the feeling of waking up at 3 in the afternoon with your only goal for the day being to pee a skid mark off the inside of your toilet You know when you start seeing that as a challenge— okay that's been three days already that's ridiculous I could use the brush but that would mean giving in I'm getting a glass of water—I 'm ******* reloading right here I'll be two minutes —just trying to get a hard on and a bit of pressure on this David Cameron— I reckon even Nick Clegg even that damn guy regrets getting involved with David Cameron I look at him and I think he's only guilty of that one thing at I've done myself And I'd imagine most of you here have done the same Knowing you meet somebody on your first day in a new job or on a new course and you just click right away found a new buddy the next day they're waiting for you at the breaks found a new friend but as the days and the weeks go on you slowly begin to discover that your new pal s a complete jerk And everyone else knows the guy's a jerk but it's too late for you —you've already committed and now you're known as the jerk's pal I'm not really into politics but Scottish independence has been a hot topic lately— there's a lot of shouting people booing people cheering and honestly I don't think anything's going to change It'll get resolved at a comedy show but feel free to vent your opinions 2014—that's when they're holding the referendumbecause it's 700 years after the Battle of Bannockburn all to get us bloody patriotic you know we're going to show Braveheart the night before that referendum on STV at 9 o'clock as sure as **** and I reckon we should also show Trainspotting just to even it Fuckingfreedom—that' s us oh that 's also us we're quite an open- minded country Scotland—I saw something quite refreshing we had anti- immigration demo saw it in the paper in Irvine That's where they held anti-immigration rally in Irvine a place with absolutely nothing and no one would ever move to— there they had the anti- immigration demonstration and it was quite refreshing at only eighteen people showed up—I read in the paper there would have been a bigger turnout if the wave machine had broken at the Magnum Centre which would have been quite the turnout at would have been a demo there would have been ******* animosity I ******* brought the wee man dow and the wave machine isn't working go finish your slush poppy son daddy 's gonna speak to the ma That was aboutthirteen before I realized the sentence "Daddy's gonna speak to the man " meant Mum would pick you up from the police station I suppose I don' t really have an opinion on Scottish independence— I'm just kind of "**** it it'll be a laugh " a bit of a camp affair Maybescrew it it' ll be a laugh maybe feel the ******* division in the camp there—I only say Scottish football people going just you ******* tread carefully pal