Bill Burr Explains Why 70s Parents Were Completely Insane 🤬🔥💀 - Stand-up Comedy

I've got to get out of this *******, it's like a giant bean bag, I couldn't get out of it, right? So I was like, oh ****, think about your kids, think about your kids. Now my kids, I love my kids, and I know they love me, there is no ******* question. And I start thinking about my kids, and I still felt that feeling. And I was like, alright, what the **** is this? Because I know that's bullshit, and I just sort of laid there. And I relaxed, and I went, oh ****, I know what this is. This is how I felt growing up. Yeah, this is what the 70s and 80s were like. Both your parents worked, you got a set of keys to the house when you were three. Ah, get outside, get the **** out of my face, right? It was ******* nuts, yeah, I grew up in a very, like, angry time, you know? Like, you were afraid of your dad, your dad's dad. I talked about this ---- before, but I'm still working through it, so just bear with me. You just were *******, yeah, like, I love seeing kids nowadays loving their dad. Like, dad, let's go play, dad, let's go ride bikes, dad! Yeah, when I was a kid, I was like, dad, dad, ****, dad, ****! Run, open a window! Mom, what did you see in that? ------- lunatic, right? It was absolute ******* lunacy, and not just my house. I love my parents, but it was just the time. Like, everybody was ******* crazy. You were afraid, and people could put their hands on you, and other people's dads could hit you. And then you come home, oh, what the **** did you do? I'll ******* hit you first! Nuts. Teachers would grab you, dig their nails into your ******* neck. She'd come home, oh, she wouldn't have done that unless something ******* happened, right? It was all of that ----. Yeah, me and my siblings, we all beat the ---- out of each other, you know? And then we all teased the dog, and the dog bit all of us, and we never got rid of the dog. One time the dog bit me in the face. I was ******* with it, it was eating it, I was like, ah, ah, and it just latched onto my face. It was like, like that. My dad had to stitch me up and everything. We still didn't get rid of the dog, you know? Oh, he's a good dog, he had a moment. Yeah, so that's all it was. It was like, it was weird, we were like the Brady Bunch meets Lord of the Flies. Like on paper, it was great, it was a station wagon full of *******, you know, Norman Rockwell, we went to church, we got Dunkin' Donuts. Yeah, that was about the *******, yeah, so. I don't know, so anyway, we all ended up, yeah, my dad was one of these people, like he said whatever the **** was on his mind, you know what I mean? Yeah, you know like that haircut women get when they get to a certain age? They got a couple of kids, they just get it cut a little shorter, because they don't want to deal with it. They put that little Hillary Clinton flip in it or something, right? They get it all shaved up the ******* back. First time you bend them over, you feel like you're ******* your friend Eric, right? You know, but you love your wife, so you lie, and you tell them, Oh, it looks good, it looks great. I always wanted to **** Geraldine Ferraro. Oh my God, it's amazing. My dad didn't care. I remember we picked my mother up, she got in the car, we just goes, Oh Christ, it looks like ----. Jesus Christ, what the **** did I say? You look like a... My mom just sitting there like, And we're in the back seat like, Hey, this is what a functional relationship looks like. Yeah. So, because of all that, we all ended up getting physical ailments from being in the fight or flight mode our whole lives. Everything, gym teachers were scary, collecting on your paper, everybody was scary, ******* everything. I remember one time my dad told a priest he didn't deserve to wear the collar. They were discussing the altar boy schedule, and I don't know, he wanted to put me on a different mask, and my dad started getting his leg going, My jaw was on the ground. And then the best part, next week we go to mass, they haven't spoken in a week, and my dad just comes walking like, Hey, how you doing? What's going on? Like nothing happened. Yeah, so anyway, we all end up getting these physical ailments. Like one of my siblings has stomach problems, another one has just this pain that won't go away in his back. I remember I had like alopecia in like the third grade. Third grade, I literally had like clumps of hair falling out like I was working on Wall Street, you know? And I was just sitting there like, did I pick up all the toys? Did I do the dishes? He's gonna find something, he always finds something. ****, what do I do? I gotta kill him. I should kill him, that's what I should do. When he's sleeping at night, I'll take an extension cord, I'll wrap it around him, throw my ******* foot on his back. Billy seems to lack the focus and class that he needs. He's not working up to his ability, right? Yeah, so anyway, so I took these ******* mushrooms, right? And I realized that I have been carrying that ---- around and being like, all right, well, that's why I drank the way I did. That's why I've trashed women the way I did. All the ******* ----, all the... I knew every ******* direction you wanted to go in. And I just had to sit there like, I just did that to a two-and-a-half-year-old. And she was, like, walking away, and I'm just sitting there, like, thinking, like, how bad was that? Is she just gonna go play with the toy and forget about it? Or is she no longer gonna be an astronaut? Like, what did I just do? I thought I was better than my dad. I'm making the same mistakes that he's making. I ******* hate myself. I didn't even... I didn't do the meeting, I didn't eat the breakfast. I just went upstairs. Just wanted to be alone, right? Just wanted to be ******* alone, you know? But I got a wife, so it doesn't work that way, you know? Especially when you **** up as bad as I did and as loudly as I did. I knew. I knew she was coming down the hall. I knew I was gonna have to watch some game film. She was bringing the projector. The screen was gonna come down. And I'm literally just laying in there like, please, God, just let her give me two minutes. Just give me two minutes to ******* calm down. Nope, she just comes right in, and she's just like, You want to discuss that little incident that happened downstairs in the kitchen? And I'm like, no, honey, I just... Can you just give me a second? My heart is still on the floor down there. Just give me a second. I know I fucked up. You know, she doesn't give a ---- at that point. And she's right. It's her kid, too. So she just launched it. I'll tell you right now. If you think you're gonna do this, then **** it up. And all this ----. And... I mean, she was right. She was 100% right, but I wasn't ready to hear the information. So she just sort of zoned out. And if my kid's here with me, I'm gonna ******* hear it. And I'm just sitting there, laying in the bed with the nerve to be upset with her. She didn't do anything. And I'm just staring at her mouth as it's moving, not hearing anything. I just started thinking of the news. Like, a news story just popped into my head. You know that news story every once in a while? You'll see it, like, every year, year and a half. You just see some guy, never committed a crime in his life. You know? Went to church every week. Helped old ladies across the street. And then out of nowhere, he just kills his wife. I'm thinking, like, it's gotta be from times like this. It just has to be. He just had something to say. Like, I don't know, I just fucked up, but... She was right. I knew she was right. So I sat there, ******* took it, you know. I will say as an aside, I think, you know, the next time you see a guy who never even cheated on his taxes, and then out of nowhere, he kills his wife, I think it's high time to bring back the question, what did she say? Okay, just saying, all right? Anyway. So, I love my dad and everything, you know. But, you know, there's things I want to improve on. So the great thing that I have done is my kids are not afraid of me. And every time I have fucked up, I've gotten down to my kids' level and let them know that I was wrong, and I apologize. So the great thing is my kids are not afraid of me. So now, my daughter's a little bit older. She's, like, 4 1⁄2 now. So now whenever I start flipping out, she actually has been helping me to stop. Because the second I hear that cute voice, I can't... I just think, Dad, I'm sorry. I just immediately... It's hilarious. Like, I'll be in the kitchen, and all of a sudden, I'm always in the kitchen doing something, right? And one day, I just come in, like, what the **** kind of toaster is this? What was wrong with the other toaster? I got to download... I need to download the app to make ******* cocksucking *******... She'll just be, like, in the other room, be like, Dad, don't scream like that! And the second I hear that voice, I'm like, you're right, buddy. You're right, buddy. Sorry. Sorry, I'm just gonna... I'm just gonna download the app here. Download the app, and the amount it would have taken just to make some ******* toast! Oh, Dad, you said a bad word! You said a bad word. She does all of that ----, right? To the point, one night, we have, like, movie night once a week. It's my favorite thing. We'll watch some Pixar thing, you know? And, uh, one of those great movies, you know? They're great. They're for kids, and they're for adults. It's ******* awesome, right? So we sit down, we make the popcorn and everything. So we have this smart TV in the living room. Oh, people, this is a smart TV. Oh, is it smart? Oh, is this ******* TV... It's so goddamn smart that one time I was in there, I had all the lights out because we were gonna watch a movie, you know? But the TV's so smart, as I'm pressing on, which you don't even do, don't hit the on button. You hit the on button, that fucks it up. You gotta press two other buttons. Oh, is that what I gotta do? Is that what I have to ******* do? Don't scream like that. You're right, buddy. You're right, buddy. This ******* thing, if the lights are out, will not turn on, because it's thinking, well, the lights are out. Obviously, nobody is in the room. Well, maybe somebody's asleep on the couch, and they rolled over onto the remote. And meanwhile, I am standing in the dark. You're gonna turn on? Because I ******* bought you, and I ******* said so, right? So my kid comes running in. She's like, Dada, Dada, don't scream like that. Don't scream like that. I'm like, you're right, buddy, you're right. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. She's like, Dada, why do you scream like that? I'm like, because I paid all this money for this TV. I want to sit down, I want to watch the movie with you. You know, every time I go to turn it on, it won't turn on. It's always something. So she put her little hand on my shoulder. She goes, Dada, it's gonna be okay. It's gonna be okay, right? Which I don't even think she knows what that means. I just think she knows when to say it. Because my wife always says that. Like, honey, it's gonna be okay. Just relax, we'll get you another balloon. We can get you another one. So that's what she did. She was just going like, Dada, Dada.