WORLD'S BEST GIRLFRIEND!!!

So tell me, what are we doing? Where are we going? Figured that maybe we should just go out for some lunch. What do you mean? Just enjoy ourselves, dude. We never, like, get time to just sit back and just relax. Jason, we owe it to ourselves. Awesome. So just, like, a nice relaxing lunch. You got this, David. Win this for all smaller people everywhere. Are those Liza's? No, these are mine. Well, they're mine because I get in them. Ooh! You like his legs, huh? He's strangely attractive somehow. He pulls it all together. It's like a really cool collage of a bunch of weird things. No more flattering me. It's time to kick some ass. Quick recap, David is stone sober. Jay has been drinking vodka all day. Quick recap, Jay runs on alcohol, so this is his Gatorade. Fourth of July battle. Cheerleaders! Go, David! Good luck, babe! I'm gonna come stand by you. Go, David! Ooh! Go, David! Ooh! He's winning, right? No. Have you been drinking? I have been drinking. I'm my boyfriend's good luck charm. That's why he's winning. Ooh! See, David's moose might go real well with those pants. That's my moose. I'm trying to support you. I know. I'll talk to you after the game. Snuck back in. Okay, now just don't say anything. Just sit here. Go, David! This means everything to Liza. She has nothing in her life, so she has to funnel it all into this. Please don't get me. I think this is okay. I don't think this is distracting what you're doing. Go, David! Oh, I didn't see you there. Go, David! Chiqui. Thank you, mister. Thank you. Chiqui. 11,000 on Instagram. Oh, in a day. My family. What did they say? My daughter, my husband. What? Surprise, surprise. Really? And I figured, you know what? You can get ready for the gym. Drive us to my house, take some pre-workout, and then we can go to the gym. Heck yeah. He's going to do it. What? Probably be at your house in eight minutes. Get ready. Eat some yogurt. I love dudes that work out together. They're so connected mentally. Like, you had him on that. When you made that call, I was like, Scott's out of his mind. But then you pulled out the, well, I figured, you know, you got to get to the gym because you don't want to be a ****. I mean, that's the underlying thing you're saying. And then you're like, and then you know you need your pre-workout. Come over to my house, grab the pre-workout, and we'll go to the gym. Case solved. Damn! You just totally bought him right there. I put the bait on the stick, threw it out there, and I reeled him in. And you know he got up and he was like, I got to work out. I got to keep this body in shape. That would be like if David called me and was like, I'm going to let you use Liza for clickbait. Can I be in that car so fast? Jason, we want to cut one of your testicles off. Yeah. But wait, here's the catch. You can film Liza for a little bit if you want. Why are you bigger than your car? I think it's funny. You're right. It's hilarious. Have you guys been to the ramen place yet? Oh, I don't know if it has alcohol. It's like a sit-down restaurant, but I can't get a glass of wine there. That's why I don't like Big 5, Jason. You get a tennis racket, but I can't get wasted. I don't get places that don't serve alcohol. Candy store? No beer to wash down the candy? Do I sound like an alcoholic right now? Ryan, you're on the stand-up scene. What happens if you're in a wheelchair? You can't do stand-up comedy. Ha! Alright, go back to what you were doing. Sorry, I'm mildly drunk. He said two beers. Brandon's having some face problems. Because I'm drinking beer, and I'm on poison. Two beers is more than enough to smoke your ass. Nice orange tip on your gum. On your gun. I was dating a girl for a little bit. One thing about her is she's my height. And an MMA fighter, she could definitely kick my ass. So that was kind of weird for my ego. The good thing about doing stand-up is I just went away for pretty much a month straight. And I came back, and we're done. Brandon and I often mash with the same girls. Hey, what's up, Gabby? Speaking of girls we mash with, the Gabby show on the fly. Did you mash with her? No. I saw her on Bumble once. Could have been fake, though. Gabby, there's a fake account of you on Bumble. It's you, Brandon? Gabby, Brandon's posing as you on Bumble. She would also say things like, here's my age coming out. She would often say, like, low-key, high-key, trendy terms. I still relate to that when people say, like, trendy terms. I get, like, so uncomfortable. I'm like, uh-huh. Right, no, I know. Low-key. You're kind of into it. But you don't want to admit it. I get it. Yeah, low-key, that's really annoying. Yo, fam, high-key. Stop saying low-key. Is she all ripped up? No. She doesn't look strong, but when she's... You can tell that she's definitely got some muscle. This is good content. Sorry, I know it isn't. That's what we do to people. We don't break the goods. Jason, say something funny or else I'm gonna blow your head off. Your face looks f***ed up. You're good, you're good. David, is everything okay? Yeah, I'm just... With that food that you made me eat? Yeah. Holy cow. Gave me a nasty headache. I think it was those fries. I should have gotten the house salad, Jason. Yeah, I'm sorry. I had some fries, too. I don't feel so great. But is everything else okay? Yeah, no, I mean, it's good. I'm just a little concerned about your well-being lately. I don't know. It's just sort of like kind of weirdness going on. Oh, like because I'm sexy? Yeah, I mean, you're a sexy guy. You know, I think girls find you attractive. When are you gonna pan to me on his ass? I've been waiting for, like, what the joke is gonna be to build up to me on his ass, and it seemed like there was just never gonna happen. And it kind of stinks. Hey. I need to have a word with you, okay? What is it? Cheeky's been over here a lot. She works here. Oh, she works here. Yeah. Oh, like cleaning for you. It's a holiday. My father's Mexican, okay? He didn't come to this country slave away. We're giving her the day off. Wait, I don't believe you. Oh, so you're just, you're hanging out then. Today is holiday. Ah, America. See, she has the right idea. You drink that Bud Light, Cheeky. You drink the whole thing. Yes, it's very good Bud Light. I think she's drunk. We told her to drink as much as she wants. But you know what? She should be allowed to drink whatever she wants because today's the 4th of July. And it's great. I'm glad that she's off. Good. Me too. There's a lot of dirty dishes. Cheeky. Time to get to work. Oh, no. America. Yeah, I saw them in the picture. I really like them. Kind of inspired by, you know, Kurt Cobain. Yeah, very Kurt Cobain. Not as cool as him, though. I wish. Todd, no one's cool as Kurt Cobain. I hope. Come on, man. I think you're going to say no one's cooler than him. Oh, Todd. No, no. You should just take these off then. Jason, give me a list of your best friends. Jeff Baumgarner, David, Brandon. That's it. David, who's your best friends? Well, there's Alex. Then there's Alex Newman from my hometown. There's Ilya from my hometown. Nick, Scott, Todd. Zane and Heath, obviously. There's you. Yeah. Gabby Cho. Love Gabby Cho. Love her. Love Aaron. Brandon's great. Brandon's also one of mine. Mike, Nick, Griffin, Pat, Neil, Michael, Jen, Natalie. Natalie's mom is really nice. Jose. Jose's my, actually, he's my landscaper. He's incredible. You can call him a friend. I don't know. We've had some pretty solid conversations. You're very popular. Obviously, you're fun. Yeah, but I keep a close circle. I don't just throw names around. The names I listed are my solid 10, I would say. And then after the 10, there's probably somebody. I mean, yeah, but I don't want to hurt Stewie's feelings. Or Liz's. Or Ralph's. Or Timby. Or Tim. Or Boss. He's actually a goldfish of my friend Mike's. The way he swims every time I walk in. You have a goldfish before me? I call him a goldfish, but he's like the, he's like a clownfish. He's like from Finding Nemo. Are you forgetting someone on your list? He already said Liza. You know, almost that entire house where Todd lives. Right, the entire house. Kristen, Todd, Scott. And one more in that house who pays rent there most of the time. I'd pay the security deposit, but I wouldn't count myself as a friend. That would be weird. Okay, what about me? Jay, Song. Yeah. You're definitely in some kind of a list. Yeah, I'm in there. That's nice. Made it. What did I turn, babe? And Liza, she's my other best friend. We tried doing it to him yesterday, but it didn't work. So now we're going to finish the job. Ow! You don't mince words. No, I don't. I'm very serious. Ow! You must do some kinky stuff in bed. How about we take five? No, fine. Ow! Am I the biggest wuss you've had here? The worst wuss. Ah! Oh, Nathan, this is by far the worst thing. Now. Put it all over her. I'm sorry. Ah! Leave. Ow! You've spit this side. Stop spitting. All right, David! Now we're cruising. Ow! You are so brutal! Ow! You... Oh, man! I don't... Ah! That hurt just as much as the nipple, you liar! Jason, be quiet. I'm doing my outro. That's what her mom thinks watching this. Anything else to add, Jason? You're the devil incarnate! You belong in Satan's dick! Jason, we just came here for the outro. I didn't know. No, we didn't! Well... I'll see you on Tuesday. You start. What's up, everybody? Please hit like and subscribe. Tweet me at jasonhash. Instagram at jasonhash. Shout out to Reagan. Scott, did you ever wish you saw? We should leave. We should go to the gym before this gets worse.