100 Unsolved Mysteries That Cannot Be Explained

I started in Halifax. Halifax. I landed. The first thing I did is I ate a Donair. And the second thing I did was have explosive diarrhea. I should have known something bad was coming. When I walked in the guy was like, you don't even look drunk. I'm not. Here you go. Did you know that Donair was started by a Turkish immigrant who moved to Halifax and wanted to open a toilet paper company. It's really a beautiful Canadian story. Those Donairs are amazing. You know, that spicy meat with that sweet sauce, which I'm almost positive is just melted ice cream. I'll have a Donair and make it cookies and cream. That Donair meat, I still can't find out what it is. It's like, you know, Dancer and Prancer and Donair and Blitzen. But do you recall the most tasty diarrhea causing meat of all? It's the Donair. I'm convinced that the Donair was just created so we can digest poutine. Right? Some guy went to the doctor, I had poutine a month ago. Doctor's like, I'm going to prescribe you a Donair. Is it going to work? I'm also going to give you a prescription for a diaper. It's very important you put the diaper on before you eat the Donair. But it's all part of my upcoming one-man show where I reimagine the movie It's a Wonderful Life, where every character only discusses diarrhea. What do you want, Mary? You want diarrhea? Well, just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around and I'd pull it down and you'd swallow it and the diarrhea would squirt out of your fingertips. Your diarrhea's not here. Your diarrhea's in Joe's house. Which is next to yours. Don't you understand here? Montezuma's not buying, he's selling. Strange, isn't it? How one man's diarrhea touches so many other lives. And when that diarrhea's not there, it leaves quite a hole. Some of you are like, how about less difficult jokes that are actually funny? I do hope everyone feels well. I did a show recently and this guy in the front row became ill. They had to stop the show, they turned on the lights, paramedics came in. He was fine, but you should know my comedy can cause illness. They brought the guy to the hospital. I don't know what he told the doctor. He was like, I was watching Jim Gaffigan do stand-up comedy and I just started feeling nauseous. The doctor's like, that's not unusual. By chance was he doing jokes about bells? He had a couple bell jokes. So too many bell jokes. Anything else? At one point I saw this bright white light, but I think that was just Jim. I'm gonna prescribe you some Taco Bell. I suggest you eat it on the toilet. It always goes back to diarrhea. Hot pockets, yeah. They haven't been around that long, like 10 years. How'd they come up with that? Was there some kind of marketing meeting? Like, I got an idea. How about we fill a Pop-Tart with nasty meat? And you can cook it in a sleeve thing. And you can dunk it in the toilet. There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket, for those of us that don't want to eat meat, but still would like diarrhea. It should just come with a roll of toilet paper. Diarrhea Pocket. You ever notice there's no dignified way to buy toilet paper? You always have to buy in that multi-pack, like 18 rolls. Stick it in your car. Everyone in the store is like, does that guy ever leave the bathroom? What's he living off of Hot Pockets? Hot Pocket. There's the lean pocket. I don't even want to know what's in there. Imagine the directions. Take out of box, place directly in toilet. Pocket. You guys love the hot sauce down here, don't you? You ever notice people that are really into hot sauce are always challenging you? Hey, why don't you get the super hot fire engine sauce? Because I don't feel like the super hot fire engine diarrhea. How about that for a reason, huh? I'm not into wearing diapers, okay? Speaking of diapers, I went to Waffle House last night. Tell you, I thought the IHOP was a dump until I went into a Waffle House. Wow, they're not even trying in there. Here's something you'll never hear in a Waffle House. Nice job cleaning up! Now, if you've never been to a Waffle House, just imagine a gas station bathroom that sells waffles. You've been to a Waffle House. And I think every man in here should get a colonoscopy because I had to. It's not an easy decision because the best news you can find out from getting a camera stuck up your butt is learning you didn't need to have a camera stuck up your butt. That's the best news. Yeah, we didn't need to do that. We could just chalk that up. One for fun. And the day before the procedure, you can't eat anything. And I'm a total pig, so I was terrified. But after I was awake for five hours and I hadn't eaten anything, I wasn't hungry. I was suicidal. I was so bored. I was like, what, am I supposed to sit here and feel feelings? And then at noon and at 6 p.m., you have to drink this serum that I believe is made by a collaboration of Exlax and Taco Bell. Printed on the side of the serum. It should have just said, drink this in the bathroom. Might want to grab a pillow and a book. Because I tell you, I've had diarrhea before. This is the point where everyone acts like they've never had diarrhea. I don't even know what Jim's talking about to you. Yeah, I'm the only one who's had diarrhea in a hotel hot tub. Okay. We're at the same hotel. No, I've had diarrhea. I don't want to brag. No, I've had diarrhea. But calling what this serum did to my body diarrhea is an insult to the word diarrhea. My body made noises I didn't know existed. At one point, I thought I stepped on a puppy. I was in the bathroom for hours. For hours, checking email, ignoring phone calls. Because serum or not, you can't answer the phone in the bathroom. Because you can't hide the fact you're in the bathroom because there's an echo. Are you in a well? Yes, yes, I'm down here in a well. Just no kids in this well. Making sure no kids fell in.