Letting it go...

What's up guys, how are you? Welcome to the vlog. Welcome to the vlog. I am in uh Fryman Canyon. I'm doing some hiking. I'm gonna go this way. I have my um my Canon 80D so it's probably another three pounds I'm carrying. Plus the 40 down here. So gonna be a workout. You know I've lost some weight. I've lost uh nine pounds. I know you're saying, Jason you told us two months ago that you lost nine pounds. Well it's still at nine. Can't seem to lose the other five. Also I don't know if this is fat or if it's like just skin. Who knows at this point. You know as my friend Jeff Wittek says, you know what the great thing about you is Jason? You gave up a long time ago. You just don't give a s**t. So it's true. Man I just realized I'm gonna have to walk by all these people holding this camera like a real a**hole. I'm just wearing a ton. So anyways what is new with me? First of all I want to say thanks for, I just wanted to do like a quick video where I like check in with you guys. I feel like uh I like to do that. Like just tell you what's going on. I have a new app. It's called Carpool Dad. You guys have been downloading it. Number 71 in the app store which is nice. Thank you guys for downloading it. Also I've been doing some stand-up shows. I'll be in Brooklyn this weekend. That show is almost sold out so if you want to go get tickets come see me in Brooklyn at the Bell House. Okay the link is in the description. But yeah I've been uh I kind of I've been trying to just do like a new new version of myself. You have to constantly reinvent yourself and I don't mean like about like work and stuff. I mean you you have to constantly keep improving and tidying the corners of your brain that make you go oh I'm a horrible person or I'm unhappy and I wouldn't even say that I'm depressed. But I'm just trying to do like uh I just trying to get there you know trying to be happy. You know my main my main problem is I I'm operated by guilt. That's my main problem. Totally and uh and I you know and I I've probably talked about this before where I think about my work and my kids and lots of times like my work is fun and so like we went to Chicago this weekend and it was really fun and one night we went and got a steak right before we left and that was like really fun. It was like me and David and Ilya and uh but I like I felt I felt like guilty about it like enjoying myself you know and uh because I'm like well my kids are at home and uh but they're fine you know what I mean like they're fine like I'll call my ex-wife I'll be like oh what are they doing are they okay they're like she's like yeah they're fine they're watching net ones and watching Netflix and the other is you know playing a song on the violin like they're they're totally fine and um this camera's heavy and so like I'm I I'm trying to like just like accept that and like be like and I think I I think I did it like I let it and I I was on a plane so after Chicago we had that steak got on a plane and I sat next to there was a guy next to me who's like a spiritual guru and he was a really great guy he had written a book that was like he self-published it was an international bestseller was a former drug addict um and now he just like helps people with their life and he's like a spiritual dude and I talked to him for like two and a half hours and the guy like really um he really helped me with my problems you know he um I said I said well what do you what do you think about guilt and stuff and he was like he's like oh he's like wow you really want to go down this rabbit hole I was like yeah and he's like he's like well he's like um he's like guilt is is the most useless uh one of the most useless things in life it is a waste of energy because you are the only one that can feel the guilt no one else gets anything from it it doesn't provide you know anything for anyone and um I feel like that woman was like trying to like come up and listen to my talking I hate that I hate when people bum rush you while you're hiking there's plenty of places to walk hold on one second I'm really tired okay good she's gone now I can speak freely well the woman and the German shepherd don't like you um but yeah so like like guilt and he was like it's just useless and he was like um you know when your when your parents had you he said were they were they selfish or selfless and I was like I guess selfish because they wanted a kid he's like what about after I said oh well they were selfless you know they did everything for me and he was like yeah well then there you go I was like I didn't even know what he meant but then we kept talking about it and he just made the point of like you know the kids they need to be like stronger and the more that I let them go do their own thing you know like the stronger they're gonna be and he also talked about like quality time over quantity like let's say I was around all the time you know they they would they would sort of like they wouldn't appreciate me as much and and he really just talked to me and he was like you know you you you need to you need to just let that go let it let it go they're they're okay they're 13 they're 10 they're building their own sense of self now and if you're they're holding their hand all the time they're not gonna develop or be strong and I was like and um you know and I was like okay okay I'm gonna try try to do that and you and you know the funny thing is like when my ex-wife like does say stuff like that where she's like you know they're fine and uh but then I'll call them and like I called them on Saturday from Chicago and I was like hey how's it going they're like hey daddy how are you like really depressed I'm like what's going on like well we've just been at the house all day and I'm like oh like yeah when are you coming home I was like you've been at the house all day like well no except for when we went out to Universal Studios and rode the rides for three hours I'm like where's mommy oh mommy has to go to work mommy had to go to the grocery store and then get her nails done so we had to go to the grocery store and we had to sit there and then like so then I feel really bad you know I'm like oh I'm like damn and I carry all that guilt so but you know I also don't want them to be spoiled either and um and so Sunday morning was Mother's Day and I was gonna fly to Boston to see my mom on Mother's Day from Chicago but I I really wanted to see my kids I like I was like I got to go see them I wasn't there Friday and Saturday and uh so I flew back and Sunday morning I called my mom for Mother's Day and I talked to her for like an hour and 15 minutes I told her about the spiritual guru advisor and he was like uh and what he said and and um you know my mother my mother started crying because she was like she's like oh I I used to do this this this is me she's like I used to drive all the way two hours from Boston to Connecticut to work because she worked at a mall delivering perfume and stuff and you know she was like an account manager for Estee Lauder she's like and then instead of staying over and like a normal person in a hotel and resting she's like I would drive back to Boston you know the two or three hours it was in one day or maybe it was from like New York she'd drive the four hours back from New York she's like just so I could see you and I was like huh and it like all made so much sense to me she's like and I ended up really messing up my back to this day for like you know racing and and ignoring physical ailments she's like and now I have um she's like now I have like fibromyalgia and all this stuff and my mom started to cry you know and she was like you know don't don't do that don't don't do the same I feel like you're doing that because I did that and and I was like huh and you know what if I think if I'm being honest like that is why I do it I'm pretty sure and not and no fault of my mom's because she was the one that like brought this up and is helping me work on the problem but it's like really helped me identify it I have to start using the phone when I do this I cannot carry this giant ADD camera people think people think they're filming that treehouse show and they see my giant camera anyway so so yeah so uh she was crying she was like please don't do that please promise me you're not gonna not enjoy your life because you're worried about those kids promise me you're gonna take care of yourself and uh and I was crying too and and so it really really woke me up you know because so then Sunday night I went to dinner with my ex-wife and her new boyfriend not new boyfriend and it was the first time having dinner with with them and it was really nice it's Mother's Day it was great that's a whole other vlog I could tell you about it so I went had a really nice time whatever and then you know it wasn't it wasn't my night to take them they were gonna they were gonna stay with me Monday and Tuesday night so it was Sunday night and it was her night to have them because on Mondays it's a little better that they stay at their mom's house because they have all their stuff there and they get they can be ready for school on Monday better and I um I I said goodbye and I got in my car and normally I would just feel awful so anyways I left and normally I would be really broken up about it but I just tried to remember what my my spiritual guru my I just tried to remember what my spiritual guru from United Airlines would say and um and he was just like just let it go he was great because he was like he wasn't like hippy dippy guru he was just like very matter of fact and almost like talking to like a um like an older brother or something or even even my dad or whatever even though he was younger than me um he was like late 30s I think and I did and I just like I just let it go I was just like you know what they're fine they're with their mom it was not as entertaining as me of course just kidding um but they're with their mom they're doing their stuff and and I know what they're doing Charlie's on the phone with her friends Wyatt's playing piano and violin and working with his loop station that's what they do and uh yeah and so I just wanted to share that story about like letting go you know like I have this like life that I'm so lucky to have and I'm I'm sitting in it and I'm not enjoying it and it's like it's really it's really crappy but yeah I have this like great life and I'm not enjoying it and like like the uh Thursday night we went out to dinner with David's mom and I was having a blast you know talking to her we were making jokes you know about David and we like we really we got along really good because like you know we're the same age and stuff and at one point Jeff and David looked over and they were like what are you guys going on and on about over there and I was like we're just talking they're like what's so funny and I was like I don't know we're just having a good time we're laughing and they like they just couldn't fathom that like two people in their 40s could have a good time um but anyway she told me a funny story about David's dad who because because uh David's mom was away visiting David that he had to make pasta and he didn't know how that he just put the put the pasta in a pot with just cold water that was his guess his first time making pasta um but yeah so we were having fun but even as I was there I was like I was like ah I'm not I can't enjoy this I'm not I won't allow my I'm not saying that but that is what I'm doing I'm not allowing myself to enjoy it I just wanted to share that with you guys so if any of you like feel like you know if any of you feel I don't know blocked about something I just feel like self-imposed stuff is hard to talk about because there's so many like big problems in the world like famine and addiction but this was something that's like really been riding me and so like now I'm just I'm just like trying to um just wanted to let everybody know that that like that's something that I'm working on and it just goes back to like a larger point which is you know I have to start thinking about myself I don't know if any of you have this problem where you know maybe you grew up in your family I think every family has this one person and maybe maybe you're that one person which is like you have like the takers and the givers right in every family you have the maybe the brother that sits there with this handout or the sister that's like all about themselves and then maybe it's the mom or the dad who's like just always or a brother or sister that's like always always giving I feel like I'm this person I feel like I'm this person who's always um just like putting other people before myself and it's just like really hard it's really hard to put yourself first I mean even like there'll be days where like I won't even turn my camera on because you know there's other people making videos and I'm like all right you know let's let's get their video first or I'll like do something but then you know just you know and and that's okay too like and I and I pride myself on that like I pride myself on being someone who is like really giving and can you know I have to say this has gotten a lot easier I would not be able to walk up here a couple months ago but it's been I didn't even think about it this time so I've already walked probably three miles and then I gotta do these stairs now come on guys let's go come on everybody home say come on Jason get it come on Jason get it oh they're having a class over there this is you know when an old person really is sucking wind the whole mouth crooks that way oh look at this this is funny another one bites the crust where do they come up with this stuff where do they think of it chef prepared sandwiches another one bites the crust okay oh I have to sit over here and finish my video because people are just talking too much I wish I had like a little tripod people aren't talking too much how dare people take hikes while I'm trying to shoot my youtube video they should know that I'm going to be out there and at least give me an hour where I have the entire canyon to myself what's wrong with people okay oh there's a waterfall here that's not gonna work how dare they have a waterfall but yeah so this is like I hope you guys I hope you guys like this video you know for anybody out there I don't know if anyone else out there is like this but like they put other people first but I was really proud of myself that I like that I was able to like I felt huge the other night when I just went home after going to dinner with the ex-boyfriend and I felt huge like being like okay I'm gonna watch wine country on Netflix and I'm okay like this is okay this is an okay you were with them all day this is this is normal and so yeah that's just my little story but yeah it's been a rough year so far I highly recommend you checking in with yourself and trying to because that was just like a huge thing that was like rolling around in my head for so long and to it just feels like a weight off my chest to be like okay now I can maybe start to enjoy life I mean I have a ton of other problems you know but I have a stand-up show this weekend stand-up's been really fun but it is hard to to keep writing and getting ready for jokes it's also hard to keep doing stand-up if you're only doing it like a couple times a month it's hard to get better you got to go out like every night get out on the road most stand-ups are right on stage but yeah come see me in Brooklyn this weekend I'm gonna be doing more videos from here I like it this will be my little video area and it's a free set also we've got some really cool videos coming soon but we shot with the vlog squad at a studio yesterday so Jeff, Corinna, Heath, Mariah they're all gonna be in making two videos and I'll you'll see what it is it'll be a surprise but it's really high quality high audio the shoots cost me a lot of trying to do like raise the production value for you guys because I know I know you pay top dollar over here on YouTube I'm not right it's free no I always I always try to make the videos I because you know when I do put a lot of money into the videos you guys really appreciate it and that makes me feel good so even if I don't make the money back I'm like like well like at least people like appreciate it and they like it and interested in me I'm gonna be 46 next week May 23rd two weeks don't know what I'm doing don't have any plans can't can't seem to get it together if you guys have any ideas what I should do for my birthday leave a comment I love you guys I'm gonna see you next time I gotta go I gotta go to Jeff's helping with the video we will be all right