Dating Someone With 100K Followers _ Standup Comedy _ Fahim Works on Stuff Vol 40.3

You ever look at yourself in the mirror when you're drunk? It's like the only time you can see yourself objectively. It's weird, you know? Because you're not in you anymore. You're like, yeah, you look at you. What the **** are you? That's what you look like? This is what the world sees? Okay, I've been looking at it differently. It's nice meeting you. Nice meeting you, me. I forgot it's a mirror. Yeah, it's weird. I'm like, am I about to fight me? Just looking at myself in a mirror. Back in the day, I remember you would see an Instagram boyfriend. He would be taking photos of his girl all the time. And you would feel sad for him. He's just like a tripod with a cock, pretty much. And I was just taking photos. But now there's reels and stuff. So the boyfriends have to be like... Come around my head and then slow motion. When you come in, when I eat the croissant. It's way worse. How did you get into filmmaking? Well, I was dating Vanessa for three years. And that's where I... It's not USC film school anymore. She's dating Vanessa. She had 100K followers and I got my feet wet. Most of my earlier stuff is at the Grove. It's a great training ground. The trolley. The Ollo. Trump is pretty crafty. I'm not a big fan of him. But you have to admit whatever side you're on, he's a crafty guy. Democrats think he'll be done after this term. But what if he goes trans and gets a third term as a different person? He's like, I'm a woman now. I'm Donna Trump. I'm the first female president. They couldn't do it. I did it. And I'm a smoke show. I've got magnificent tits. Everyone wants to **** me, but they can't. They can't. I'm very fast. I'm the fastest woman. I'm faster than men. I'm faster than some hen. Just confident trans Trump, I like. They want the politicians, want to rail me, but they can't. I'm an independent, strong woman. I'm beating the Democrats at their own game. I'm the best. I'm the first trans female president. They couldn't do it. Kamala couldn't do it. Hillary couldn't do it. Donna did it. Donna done did it. I'm the best. She gets two terms. Like, what the **** are you guys for? He has Neuralink to keep him alive until he's like 200 years old. Robo-Trump. I'm AI now, so I get to stay. I have a different IP address. So I was a man twice, a woman twice, and a robot 45 times. Bleep blop, bloop blop. The humans gotta go. All robots in Robo-America. ICE is just robots getting humans out of here. They still have masks. Don't look at me. I don't want repercussions. I have a family. Robots built this country. Like, no they didn't. We built robots. Whatever, fag. What? Whatever, fag. It's just Boston Dynamics robots kicking us out of the USA. Like, it was cool when the robots would dance, but now they're kicking us out of our own country. The Sunset is like a huge band that always performs on time. Right? You're just on the beach. Everyone's clamoring. Like, come on, sunset. And then, like, clockwork. The Sun's like. Right? Sunrise is like, it's me. Oh, ****, there's the Sun. He's never three hours late. Like, doing heroin. Like, are they out there? Sun, come on. The people, they want you. I'll come out when I feel like it. Sun, you're great, but you're strung out. You got a problem. This is Moon. He was having intervention. The Moon's like, Sun, come on. We've been boys for a while. He's like, I'm Sun here on heroin. Do you know? Did you know that roosters don't really stick around to raise the family? Unless one of the baby chicks gets really good at basketball. Yeah. If you think that joke's racist, I didn't say a race. That's a magic trick. You were the racist the whole time. Look in your back pocket. He says, I'm racist? He's like, Oz the mentalist. This guy's so good. I was a piece of ---- the whole time when I thought it was him. Okay, okay. You're not going to go for that. It's too much. It's a movie idea. It's like a reboot of Home Alone, where a kid is trying to get off Epstein Island. Just to update it, you know? For the younger generation. Like they're trying to **** this kid and like paint cans are hitting their face. Get that ******* kid. Get him. He's on a jet ski. Like, try and find me. Try and catch me. This ******* kid. Prince Andrew wants him immediately. Where is my child? We're working on it. We're working on it, boss. I have a shark tank idea. A big jacuzzi. Like the size of a swimming pool. So that you don't have to talk to anybody at the hotel. Right? How great would that be? Just all of you have jets and you don't have to talk to the guy over there. It's a jacuzzi for introverts. Because every time you want to go in the jacuzzi, you're like, yeah, I'm going to go down there. And then it's like eight other couples in this big of a space. You're like, ****, it's not worth it. Every time I want bubbles on my back, I don't want to say what I do and where I live. LA, Seattle originally. I just want to be in the swimming pool sized jacuzzi. Maybe I'll nod to someone. I'll do that. I don't want to tell my life story. Every jacuzzi. It is funny. Whenever they say, what do you do to me? I just say engineer and they stop talking to me. Because I was, I was an engineer and nobody cares about that. But if I go, I'm a standup comedian. All the questions come. It's like saying you're an astronaut and like, don't talk to me. What do you do? I'm an astronaut. Please don't talk to me. No questions, please. It just begs so many more questions. So I say engineer and they're like, okay. The subtext is boring as ----. This guy's boring as ----. And I'm like, that's correct. I am boring as ----. That is true. I don't watch scary movies now that I'm doing a little better. You know, like for real, like when I was living in a studio apartment, I would watch scary movies because my place wasn't big enough to be scared. Like you could see everything. What's there to be scared of? Yeah, they would be here. There's nothing. There's no room. I'm looking at my bed. Like who goes there? I know who goes there. There's no other room to go to. That'd be the worst scary movie. The studio apartment is haunted. This is the guy. The ghost could be in one of two places. Under the bed or in the kitchen. That's it. Is this him checking the whole movie? Oh, thank God. I feel like incels should hate asexual people. Right? Because both don't ****, but asexuals could if they wanted to. So incels are like, you're leaving on the table? Come on, give some to me. I mean, I don't know. I'm not really into it. Girl, I don't have to be in your position. They don't want to **** me. I don't have the option. Saying Allahu Akbar before committing a terror attack is kind of hack. Right? I feel like the news is embellishing. Like that's not true. Like are these dudes, every one of them is saying, Allahu Akbar before blowing themselves up. Like it's a terror version of, it's clobbering time. They all have a terror catchphrase. It's not, I feel like they're embellishing because they want to vilify. Remember they're brown. He said Allahu Akbar before he did it. I'm sure, I'm sure they forget sometimes. They're like, ah, I forgot to say it. Ah, the thing. Like the explosion is in a dead giveaway, you know. Also don't let them know. Do it silently. That was too far. I'm just saying, put yourself in the mind of someone who is going to blow themselves up. You don't want to say, I'm about to blow myself up. You just do it. You get, you have a coat and then you do it. Right? Ring ding dong. Then he gets tackled. Like, oh, I wanted to make a thing of it. This is the last moment on earth. He wants to make it a thing, you know. Humans, I think we think too much. That's the problem with humans. Like other animals just keep it moving. And there's something beautiful about that. You know, like there's no crab out there. Like I think one of my biggest regrets is not having kids. I think it's too late for me now though. You know, I see my friends, they have kids and they're just not in my car. It's just not for me. He's just busy being a crab. He's not dwelling. You know, he's like, this is pretty cool guys. Remember the stuff we ate five minutes ago. Not like, how will I be remembered? Guys, you know how we clamp? Why? You ever ask yourself why we clamp? You got to appreciate how much the Trump administration uses hair gel. Right? There's a lot of hair gel in that cabinet and office. Like LA Lookstock is through the roof. Yeah, everybody in that administration just looks like a bad guy from the 90s. That's why I think Gavin Newsom is our best shot at getting an office. It's not gel, but it's like mousse, but it's clubbed. It's like, he looks like one of those guys, maybe. Maybe they'll get confused. I like the evil guy. Oh, he's a Democrat. ****. I like the slick bag gel guy. Oh, ****. He's a Democrat. It's like the Digimon of politics. Close enough. Oh, ****. It's not Pokemon. I thought it's like your dad. No, Digimon is good, right? No, dad, it's Pokemon. They're going to make fun of me. You got me Gavin Newsom. I wanted Trump. I wanted Eric Trump and you got me Gavin Newsom. Gavin Newsom is just as good. No, it's not. Eric Trump is better. Everyone at school is Eric Trump. I feel like every dad is fat because he has to finish the meals of the whole family. That's why he's fat. Everyone makes fun of a fat dad, but no one, like the wife doesn't finish. He's like, I got to finish this. And the kids don't finish. He's like, I got to value. I love value. Nothing goes to waste. Every dad is consuming a 6,000 calorie diet. The Rock and your dad have the same eating habits. The Rock's cheat day is what your dad does every day. Yeah, that's why ladies, when you tell your man that you're pregnant, again, the face he makes is like, I got to eat all that food. I got to leave soon. Another, I have an app idea. You want to hear my app idea? So it's called Uber Eats Go. So you'll be on the freeway and you roll down the window. And then they just feed food with like a clamp. So you have a burger. It's like how planes refuel, but you do it on the freeway. So you don't have to stop for food. I think it's a good idea. Who is getting into accidents on the freeway? I've never in my whole life of driving. I've never gotten an accident. It's like going straight. Like, are they dumb? Who are these people crashing on the freeway? Because every time it stopped, I'm like, how? I feel like if you get in an accident on the freeway, you're not allowed to drive anymore. Because then you would pay attention and be like, I don't want to get banished. Have you guys heard that slug story about that boy? It's really sad. It was this 19 year old Australian kid. His friends dared him to eat a slug. So he ate, he was trying to be cool. He ate this slug on a dare, but the slug had a parasite. So it made him paralyzed. And then he died over time. And it's like, it's such, it's so sad for humans, but inspiring for slugs. Hey, if you're, if you're another slug, you like that, you build a statue for that slug. Like, yeah, you don't **** with us. That's what happens. Slug power. We're not your prank. We'll **** you up. We're slugs, baby.