You Don’t Know Your Mom Is Crazy Until You’re Older. Jose Sarduy - Full Special

I'm like, that's how she says hot dog. A lot of people are like, oh no! He introduced the wrong guy. He said Jose was coming up. That is clearly a Jason. Yeah, my name is Jose and nobody believes me. Story of my life. I used to live in Texas. I went to meet a woman's family. The dad opened the door. He was like, you're Jose? We thought you was going to be like a real Jose. It's like, what did he think was coming to the door? Like some dude with maracas like, I'm here today, your daughter! I thought maybe that was just the south, but I used to live in Philadelphia. A lot of different cultures up there. I met a Puerto Rican guy. He's like, what's your name man? And I go, my name's Jose. He's like, no papi. Your name no can be Jose. I'm like, yes it is. I was born in Cuba. He's like, you look like a policeman. I live in Southern California now. Worst part is I'll go to some Cuban restaurant that's run by Mexicans and they'll see me sitting by myself like, I come back and explain the menu! And then I feel like I got to be extra Cuban. Like, I got it! Arroz con pollo maduro por favor. The guy from immigration! That's how you know it's authentic. The chef is running out the back. Oh no, they speak Spanish now! But I was born in Cuba, raised in Miami, so I'm a good swimmer, obviously. Did you know that was a stereotype? I didn't until I went out for the high school swim team. The coach is like, Sarduy, where's that from? I was born in Cuba. We're in a win state! We got a Cuban captain! Do you have cousins? Obviously. And listen, I don't know if all Cubans are good swimmers, but if there had been Cubans on the Titanic, everybody would have survived. And that would be a way better movie. That would be great. People would run around, oh no, there's no lifeboats! Two Cuban guys, we don't need no lifeboats. You take this piano, you put it in the water, you can put 16 people on that! I saw Titanic years ago when it first came out in theaters in Miami, which was an experience. There's a part that's historical, right, that the boat's sinking and the band is playing. Well, the whole thing is historical. But there's a part that's accurate. There was a band playing as the boat sank and they play that scene. It's very sad. The big guy, this guy playing the big cello, Cuban three rows down, yells at the screen, that thing in your hand, it floats! The guy with the little one, he's gonna die. You know what I mean? And I became a comedian because of my family. My family is very boisterous and funny and they're crazy. They're a crazy family. I love my family. My mom is great. She speaks with an accent. So when I was little, it was fun to bring my friends over. They'd be like, hello kids. Welcome to my home. That's how she says home. Do you want something to eat? And they were like, yeah, of course. Do you want hot dog? My friend's like, what is hot dog? I'm like, that's how she says hot dog. People come over to the house like, listen, if you have like a phone or a computer, you can use it all over the house. We have high five all over the house. Love my mom. She speaks great English. She doesn't understand American phrases. American phrases kind of confuse her sometimes. We had construction on the house once. She walked in on a room with a guy building something she didn't pay for. Like, excuse me, I did not pay for that. What is that? And the guy was like, oh, you know what? I'm sorry, ma'am. I got a wild hair up my butt on that one. My mom's like, well, I did not need to know that. But now that I do, why don't you shave it? It's 2020. I have a crazy mom and the thing is, if you have a crazy mom, you don't know it when you're little. Because when you're little, you just assume that what your mom is doing to you is what all the other moms are doing. You're like, this must be normal. Then you get old enough to start comparing notes with other people and then you're like, none of that was normal. That is how therapy started. Happened to me when I was 19. I was at a house party. We're sitting around comparing home remedies. One guy's like, one time, I had 104 fever. My mom dropped me in a bathtub full of ice. We were all like, oh, that's pretty bad. And I was like, ooh, you know what's worse? Remember when you get the stomach flu and your mom's put in the suppositories? You guys remember? They all looked at me like, you, ah, no. My mom gave me soup. And I was confused, like, how'd she get soup in there? That seems worse. Tell you what though, I never went home sick from school. I could be puking blood. Jose, you wanna go home? No! Please don't send me home! She's gonna put a cough drop in my butt. Please, just let me stay here. But you're puking blood. That's what I do when I'm happy. Action. And I love my big family. I love it. But I don't have any children. I know it's just weird. I'm 42, Latino, no kids. To my family, I'm like a unicorn. I think I have magical powers. But I've discovered this. If you don't have kids, people with kids do not want your advice on raising kids. Even when it sounds like they want advice. Like, he's struggling in math. I don't know what to do. You know what you could do? You know what you could do, Jose, is shut your mouth! Do you just sleep in your bed all night long with no one interrupting you? Shut up. And that's when I pull out my trump card whenever they say it. I go, yeah? After the age of seven, I always do what I was told. Never talked back to my mother. Never got reprimanded. You hear that silence? All those parents like, what did your mom do? I'll tell you what she did. She killed a chicken in front of me using only this hand. That is what the kids call a gangster. She didn't warn me either. We're in the backyard. She's petting the chicken that I named Freddy. In hindsight, that was a mistake. She's like, baby, we're gonna have chicken tonight. And I was like, I love chicken, mommy. And then she spreads her feet like she's gonna do kempo karate without looking, grabs it by the throat, starts spinning it like a nunchuck, making eye contact with me the whole time like a psychopath. Ha ha! Chicken's making weird noise. And then the head popped off the chicken. And that's when I discovered chicken's got a weird nervous system. You can take the head off a chicken and the body doesn't realize it right away. You know how I know that? Because that chicken body hit the ground and tried to walk it off like it had a chicken charley horse or something. It was and it couldn't make any noise, so it was like the scariest silent movie of all time. That chicken body hit the ground like... And I'm like, stop dropping and roll, Freddy! I didn't know what to do. Forty-five seconds it ran around and then you're like, you're right. I'm not okay. Pow! So again, I am seven years old. I am petrified. I look up my mom. She's got a dead chicken head in her hand. She's got blood on her cheek. Feathers are falling. Leans in, says the scariest thing I've ever heard in my life. She goes, Pretty cool, huh? I'm gonna go clean my room. I'm gonna clean my room. I can clean the whole house. I'm already gonna be cleaning. Might as well clean the whole... You guys are wanting to paint the house. I can paint that. I'm only seven, but I'll find a way. Maybe I'll just apply for college and get out of this house. Because you're a scary person. My family's a very interesting story. We actually came from Cuba when I was a little kid because my dad was a political prisoner in Cuba. We got deported because my dad protested the government down there. We got deported from Cuba to the USA. Yeah. All my white friends, woo! All my Mexican friends, that's a good deal. Who gets deported to the United States? I'm like, I know. I can't even pitch. It's usually how we get in. There's Coast Guard in the Caribbean right now. You made it! Can you pitch? No? Go to Haiti. Play soccer or something. It's rough. But because of that, my family's very patriotic. America took us in. My dad, we're on the couch. We're watching the Olympics, just me and him. I remember he's yelling at the screen like we're at the stadium. He's like, USA! USA! It's not just for Jews, Dad. It's for everybody. I'm pretty patriotic myself. Here's how patriotic I am. I am a vegetarian, but I love Kentucky Fried Chicken. I don't even eat it anymore. I just support it. Because we were poor when we got here. We couldn't eat out. First thing we ate out was Kentucky Fried Chicken. My dad went all out. He got the bucket of chicken. He got the biscuits, and he also bought the coleslaw. And if you've been eating coleslaw your whole life, maybe you don't know this, but it is disgusting. There's always somebody somewhere like, no, it's really good. Yeah, and people on a farm get used to the smell of poop. Dad, you can get used to horrible things. I don't know who thought that. Like, you know what this salad needs to be? Wet. Let's make a wet salad. Should it be clear wet? No, it should be snotty wet. It should be the most disgusting thing, and see if people will eat it. So my dad noticed we weren't eating the coleslaw. He's like, hey, hey, hey, why is nobody eating that coleslaw? We're like, dad, it doesn't taste good. He's like, I don't care. You have to eat it. Because the white people eat it. And they cannot find out. We're not white people. They're gonna know when you talk. My dad's not gonna sneak past any of you. Where are you from, sir? Boston, Massachusetts. That's how he says Massachusetts. And I don't have an accent because I came when I was three years old, and I learned to speak English watching television. Because when I was a little kid, we had great shows like Sesame Street, Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood, The Muppets, Days of Our Lives, you know, children's shows. I watched TV for five days, and in that five days, I learned enough English to translate for my family at restaurants. Problem is, I learned it mostly from Muppets. So we'd be at the restaurant. My mom wants steak and potatoes. They're like, And I'm like, And the waiter's like, That's adorable. Does your mommy want bacon? I'm just glad I outgrew Muppet voices, because you don't need Muppet voices in adult scenarios. You don't want to get pulled over. You know how fast you were going? That's how you end up in the back of the cop car. Animal don't like taser. My dad loves American culture. He has this big movie collection, and he loves American movies. And he recently started quoting American movies, because he saw me and my friends do it. And the best part of my Cuban dad quoting American movies is you will never know which movie from the quote. I try to show them the classics, right? Days to Confuse, Matthew McConaughey, all right, all right. But no, it's like, I like that movie. Okay, okay, okay. That's not the same. Showed him Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back. Luke, I'm your father. He's like, Luke, who's your daddy? No, what? Did you watch an inappropriate version of Star Wars? I showed him The Godfather. My friend's like, Mr. Stradue, you saw The Godfather? He goes, yes. Remember when he goes, that's what I'm talking about. I thought he made it up. I watched the movie. It's not in there. You know which movie that's in? Days to Confuse. Just mixing them up. But now I just want everybody to yell that when they're happy. Something good happens in your life. That's what I'm talking about. Like, I'll tell you a story. I went to a Dave & Buster's. Do you have those here? Yeah. So if you've never been to a Dave & Buster's, it's like a casino where you don't win money. You get tickets. You can buy a whistle. It's awesome. I like to go there. Video games for adults. It's awesome. My favorite part about it is they let little kids in there before 10 o'clock. And I like to beat little kids at video games. Because when you play them online, they're not the best people. You ever played a child online? They say horrible things to you that I can't say on dry bar. So I go, and I'm pretty good at this one fighting game. So I pull up and this kid is standing on boxes. He brought boxes. That's how good he is. He is beating grown men that just have to grab their beer and walk away grumbling. So I'm like, okay, I'm going to stand up for my brothers. I come in with my accent. I use my dad's accent like, hello, can I play you? Okay. I don't know what to do. I use my car. Okay. Ah, right. Now I don't know what the buttons do. I don't know. Which one am I? The whole time I am smoking this kid. And I look over. He's getting red, angry. I am so happy. I keep beating him. Finally his mom leans in and goes, honey, use your best character. He's not even from this country. Oh, is that how we're going to do it, mom? Ethnic war, right? So he uses his best character and he gave me a good fight, but I still beat him. And I was like, I was about to celebrate. I look over, he starts crying. And I was like, oh, I didn't want to make a 10-year-old cry. The dad leans over. This big, strong dude grabs me by the shoulder, pulls me in close, and he whispers in my ear, thank you. And I was like, that's what I'm talking about. Even your family doesn't like you. That's the moment where you want that phrase. I left Miami after high school and went to college in Colorado. So I went up here in the mountains, yeah. And then I tried driving in the snow. And mm, mm. I thought I could handle it because I'd driven in the rain and I'm good in that. But first time I was out on the snow, it was just a light drizzle and I'm on the highway doing 10 miles an hour with the hazards on. Just go around! Just to confuse Miami boy. Why is there cocaine falling from the sky? But it was great going to Colorado because not a lot of Cubans there. No major bodies of water. How would we get there? But it was great. I got to represent my culture to my friends. But they didn't know where the line was. They would cross it all the time. Jose, you're fluent in Spanish. We're at a Latin restaurant. Why don't you order the food in Spanish? We're at a Taco Bell in Denver, Brad. Chalupa's not a word. And the guy behind the counter is named Chip. I went out to Colorado because I went to the United States Air Force Academy. I got a degree. Thank you. I made lieutenant colonel in the Air Force. Some people are like, oh, you look too young to be lieutenant colonel. You should have seen when I was a 23 year old lieutenant flying cargo planes, I looked 14. Which was horrible for passengers. I had a World War II veteran get on my plane. What do you do on the plane, little boy? They're like, I'm your pilot, sir. He's like, we're taking a train, man. They got babies flying airplanes. But I love being a service member. I get to answer questions. People have a lot of questions because they don't know much about airplanes or the service. And I love it because most of the questions are dumb. I love dumb questions because I put them in my show. Some of them start out sounding smart. Somebody was like, oh, you were a cargo pilot? Yeah, I flew cargo planes. He's like, did you ever air refuel where you go behind another airplane in the sky and get gas? I was like, yeah, we used to do that. He's like, when you were up there, did you get out and talk to the other pilot? I'm in the Air Force, man, not Cirque du Soleil. What do you think we string ropes like? I'm coming to see you, Bobby. I don't know. My favorite dumb story ever. This is my favorite dumb story ever. I've gotten it a few times. My favorite example, I was in Boise, Idaho and this nice older lady walks up. She's like, that was so funny. You've been in the Air Force 22 years? I was 22 at the time. I wasn't 22. It was 22 years. And I said, yes, ma'am. Like, my neighbor's son just finished bootcamping the Army. He's stationed in Georgia. Do you know Jimmy? Maybe. I just wish, you know, I've been to war and all that. I wish I had good stories for you guys. I don't. All my stories are the weird or embarrassing. Like I was flying into Baghdad at night, 2003. We see machine gun fire coming up at us. I call up on the radio. I tried to sound cool. Baghdad Tower, lift to 4702. We got ground fire north of the field. It's pretty cool, right? They said, 4702, stand by. Did he just say, stand by? Like I'm on the phone with Sprint or something? Guy calls me back, 4702, don't worry about it. They're celebrating in town tonight. They're not shooting at you. They're shooting their guns in the air. And I'm like, well, that is a relief, except I'm in the Air Force. I didn't sound cool that day. Some of the stories sound good in synopsis. But then when you hear the actual story, it's not good. It's not a good story. I'll tell you one. I prevented an international incident. Yeah, sounds great. Just wait. 2004, we're flying to Dakar, Senegal, West Africa. Drop supplies there to the embassy. And if you were there at the time, you should probably get tested. No, if you were there... for malaria. If you were there at the time, you may know this, you could not make a big purchase on credit. Anything over $5,000, you had to pay cash. Not a big deal until you have to refuel a 300,000-pound cargo plane, which was 75,000 pounds of gas, which came to $114,000 that we had to pay cash. So who do you think they sent in with the money? Was it a crack squad of Marines or Navy SEALs or Army Rangers? Nope, they sent in First Lieutenant Sarduy. Who had gotten a B- in hand-to-hand combat. The money would be in like a silver case, right? With the tight bills. Now they handed it to me in a Nike gym bag that was used with broken zippers. A used Nike gym bag and the bills were just loose. Like I just robbed a bank. And they were like, LT, that's what they call lieutenants, LT, go pay for the gas. I was like, oh, by myself? I don't know, but you should know. You may not know this, but you should know that I got expert in the M16 rifle because the dude next to me was nearsighted and kept shooting my target. Like expert was 35 out of 40 holes. I had 47 holes on my target. They were like, you're really good. I'm like, yeah, I make bullets go in and back out and back in. I'm a magician. So they're like, we're kidding. We'll give you some backup. We'll send the lieutenant from accounting. This is a kid that was too short to be a pilot. That's why he went into accounting. You know how short you gotta be where they don't let you be a pilot? This stool could be a pilot. So they're like, that lieutenant from accounting is your backup. I was like, well, you're not gonna see this money again. They're like, we're kidding. We're gonna send some real backup. We're gonna send the Ravens with you. Ravens are security forces personnel that go with airplanes to austere locations to protect them. And if you don't know what security forces are, they are members of the United States military that joined to shoot guns and blow things up. But what they actually do is they stand at the front gate for eight hours a day and check identification. Never shoot guns or blow anything up. These are people that want stuff to go down. I know, because one of them walked up and he's like, hey, we can't take guns in their LT, but don't worry. We got these extender batons in our sleeves. Anything happens, we got your back. I was like, we're gonna die. All right. So I'm walking in, I got a bag of money, got the lieutenant, got the two security forces guys. I'm thinking, you know what? I'm overreacting. This is an international airport. It's gonna be fine. And I was wrong. I opened the door. It's a dark room. There's one light and it is swinging like we're at a haunted house. Me and the lieutenant from accounting walk in with the bag of money like Shaggy and Scoob. Like diggity, diggity, diggity, diggity, diggity, diggity. I see over here, standing there, two guards. I say it like that because they were not in uniform or unless you think of a uniform as a Somali pirate starter kit. They had sandals, holes in their pants, AK-47s, gold teeth. It was terrifying. And from in the back room, in the back office, in the darkness, I hear the deepest voice ever like, what do you want? And we both went, ah! We screamed like we were in a haunted house. And then I couldn't stop yelling. We wanna pay for the gas! So I was like, okay. So I give the money to the lieutenant. I said, go pay for the gas. And here's the thing. If you were in West Africa, if you go to West Africa today, you may know this. Everybody there is really tall. So the counter reached the lieutenant at eye level. He had to throw the bag of money, like to get it up there. And then he had to stand on his toes like a kid at an ice cream shop. Like I want chocolate. That's what it looked like. So the guy slides in the receipt. The lieutenant looks at it. He goes, ah, sir, you have to sign the receipt. And the man was like, no, no, no sign. You take. And then the lieutenant from accounting, who was super short, said, ah, you're gonna sign it or we're not taking it. And I'm standing over here like, what are you doing, Oompa Loompa? And the guy behind the counter was not ready for that. He's like, no, no, no sign. You take. And the lieutenant goes, well, if you don't sign it, then we're not leaving the money. Puts his hand on the bag. And as soon as that bag, his hand touched the bag of money from over here, he heard this sound, click. Which is the sound of a safety coming off an AK-47, which at first didn't scare me because like, that gun has a safety? What? I didn't think the Russians cared about safety. I later found out that's the same switch that puts it to full auto. So the worst part about all of this is this tension that's happening is behind me, the security forces guys are living the dream. They turned into MMA hype men, like, aw. LT, don't you let him talk to you. You guys shut your mouths, please. Let me remind you, you have batons. If I need you to lead a college marching band, I will call you. So I got to stop this whole situation. I lean over, I grab him by the collar, I turn him towards me and he knew something was up because I was paler than usual. Like I was glowing in the dark and he's like, what's wrong? I go, just take the receipt with no signature. And he said, fine, but I don't like it. I don't care what you don't like, scrappy dude, take the receipt. So he grabs the receipt, I'm walking him out, I'm like, get out the door, get out the door. The security force is out the door, I'm dragging him along and I could hear the wheels turning in his head like, how am I going to explain this back at accounting? Right before I get him out the door, he goes, those two guys have guns. So we almost died and I lost a good pair of underwear because he was stupid. And that is how I prevented an international incident. That's what I'm talking about. I did go to school at the Air Force Academy in Colorado Springs, Colorado. People don't know much about the academy and the biggest group of people that don't know much about that place is my family. They had no idea what it was. It's a military academy but the first year, you're just running and doing pushups and learning the iron and vacuuming. You're not really, they don't let you near the airplanes. They point at the airplanes, see those, you got to earn those. So when I was a freshman, first year, four degree cadet at the Air Force Academy, I call my mom every Sunday and then on Monday, an A-10 fighter plane crashed in Wyoming. Pilots survived but the plane crashed in Wyoming which, I don't know if you know this, is not Colorado Springs, Colorado. My commander calls me into his office Tuesday morning and he says, Cadet Sarduy, stand at attention. I was like, yes sir. Ready to go. Whatever he wanted me to do, I was ready. He said, I'm going to play you a voicemail and you normally only get phone calls on Sundays but I need you to go call your mother and explain exactly what you do here. And I was like, oh, I don't want to hear this voicemail. This is going to be bad. This is going to be a bad voicemail. I don't want to hear it. Here's my mom's voicemail, word for word. Boop. It's my baby crash and it's my baby flying the A-10 number. Please call me back. Click. She didn't leave her name or my name. We had to star 69 her which is an old timey phrase now. People don't know what we do there at the academy. I know that because when I would come home for the holidays or something like that, I would see my friends that went to real college and they would try to exchange stories with me. I'm like, hey, what's it like at the University of Miami? Oh, Friday nights are awesome, man. Sometimes we get drunk. Sometimes we fight. Sometimes we make out with strangers. It's usually girls. I was like, hmm, who was it the rest of the time? Statues, bro. They look good. And then they would ask me, well, it's like the Air Force Academy night on Friday night. You shooting guns and blowing things up? I'm like, sort of. I'm blowing up that vacuuming, son. What? I can vacuum up a wall. That takes core strength. The reason we did that is because we had white glove inspections on Saturday mornings. So I'll tell you my favorite white glove inspection ever. Me and my roommate were at parade rest standing in our room. Next door, they're getting yelled at so I know we're next. I'm doing one final check of the room before they come in. Our job was to standardize closets. We had to make 30 closets look identical. I look up. We forgot to do our closet. Yeah, we did 29 closets, forgot to do ours, and it wasn't even close. And I was like, oh, no. They're going to yell at us so hard. Bro, we forgot to do our closet. First time I looked at my roommate in 45 minutes, he is sweating profusely like he just got out of a sauna. Pit stains are developing. Left eye's twitching. He's kind of swaying back and forth. He looks at me with this pained face. He goes, Jose, man, really sorry for what is about to happen in this room. And I was like, I have put too much pressure on my roommate. So I tried to relieve the pressure. I tried to tell him, it's not that big a deal. We'll just get yelled at. But I didn't get to finish that sentence. Because I said, dude, it's not that big a deal. We'll just get yelled at. And then he farted for so long. I thought he was going to deflate. Like those things in front of the car dealers when you shut them off at night. It just wouldn't stop. I'm like, it's not that big a deal. We'll just get... I thought he was going to levitate like Criss Angel from the butt. It was a full two minutes. He finally was like... And then I tried to tell a joke. The joke I tried to tell was, you know, the loud ones don't usually smell that bad. But I didn't get to finish that sentence either. I was like, you know, the loud ones don't usually smell... God, I had to punch a fart out of the air. And that is when the inspectors walked into the room. There were three of them. There's one very attractive female. Two dudes take the door. She walks in on a weird scene. There's my roommate, all sweaty, comes to attention, big smile on his face. I am no longer facing the right direction. And I come to attention, but I just, from the sound, like... And she was a little like, what is this? They didn't train me for this action. But I'll tell you this, she was a professional because she did her job despite this unknown situation. She walked in, put her gloves on the... Hey, did you even dust? Do you care at all? This is the most... She was a pretty lady. She got ugly real fast. She looked like those people in the movies when they turn into werewolves. They're like... And the guys at the door don't know what's happening. She turns around like, well, there's a demon at the airport. And she tried to run away. You can't run from a fart. Well, I just got you. It's like Stephen King's The Mist. You walk in, you got a tail. So she's dragging death behind her out the door like, hey, what's wrong? They dropped their hats. We got free hats. They low crawled out of the room. The three of them stood in the hallway for like five minutes like they'd been pepper sprayed. Ah, no! Somebody's like, we gotta burn these clothes. And the third was like, you know how I heard helps with pepper spray? If you put milk on it, they were like, where are we gonna get milk, Steve? They finally composed themselves. They look in the room like, you two are disgusting! And they walked away. So me and my roommate, we go back to parade rest, which is this position. And I remember I said to my roommate, I said, we should just do that every time. Just warn me next time. I gotta breathe through my mouth. It's like you're eating jalapenos. My roommate looked at me and he said, they didn't check the closet though, did they? I'm like, no, they didn't.