Community but they're just insulting each other | Comedy Bites

This isn't good for you? No. I just want to show Vaughn some support to help smooth things over. What am I doing? Take it easy. Sorry I'm late. I was in my car loving Britta. I just love you too much. Not half as much as me. Jeff, do you think you'll marry Britta? I'd like to see someone stop me. I just peed a little. I'm here. Propose. Iconic Jeff winger. Will you marry me? Yeah. Yeah. Of course. Perfect. I'll be right back. How are you getting married? I was so worried about you. Awesome! You told Shirley? Well, there's no need for secrecy now. It was during the paintball game. Was there anything you didn't win that day? Oh my God! Kissed me?! What?! You know she's such a fool for him. She has a ring around her finger. And I'll bet hired an Irish singer. Britta's marrying, Britta's marrying, Britta's marrying Jeffery Winger. What the hell is this? A wedding episode. I'll bet there's no wedding. Cold feet? Talk it over with your best man, George Clooney. What's up? He's a George Clooney impersonator, but still razzle dazzle, right? I'll bet. Jeff made out with Annie. What? When? Where? Yeah, where? That's inappropriate. I'm assuming on the mouth. It was after the transfer dance. Oh, so I tell you that I love you, and then you go outside and stick your tongue into a teenager. What is wrong with you, Jeff? Well, Shirley, since you have clearly failed to grasp the central insipid metaphor of those Twilight books you devour, let me explain it to you. Men are monsters who crave young flesh. The end. At least we have the decency to be ashamed of it and keep it a secret instead of publicly blurting I love you to everyone who sleeps with us. Oh, please. I never loved you. Ah-ha! I win! I win! I win in your face! So this was all a game? Everything they do is some sick competition. Oh, like you hate competition. How long did it take you to kiss Jeff after I told him that I loved him? Oh, that's right. First Vaughn, now Jeff. I better not smile at that wall outlet or you'll fry your tongue off! Way to hog all the girls, Jeff. You know, when there's three sprinkled donuts, you don't eat one and then lick another. Anyone object to us being referred to as Jonas? No one? I'm sorry we can't all be as honorable as you, Troy, and post Pierce quotes all day on Twitter. Wow! Is that your lame attempt to try and pass the hot seat to me? Nice try! Wait! I'm all a white man says? No wonder he says everything I'm thinking. You bastard. I'm just sharing what you say. Yeah? Well, what if I share all the stuff you say? He thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls. There's no way to disprove that. Have you ever seen a cat penis? Where are you going? By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you cancelled. Oh, good. Yeah, Abed, cancel us. And while you're at it, why don't you take your cutesy I-can't-tell-life-from-TV gimmick with you? You know, it's very season one. I can tell life from TV, Jeff. TV makes sense. It has structure, logic, rules, and likable leading men. In life, we have this. We have you. I'm on the clock for another hour if you want me to do some Batman lines. Um, excuse me, girls. You're sitting in our seats. I'm sorry, what did you say? Oh, I didn't know you were deaf. I suspected you were blind from the outfit. What? Wait a minute. Why were you mean to them? Did they insult you? Oh, my goodness. Go, girl. Bad isn't that bad when you're doing it to bad girls. Annie, when you laugh like that, you snort like a piglet. Careful, Abed. Be careful with your skin. Your face is so puffy right now, your eyes look like sewn-on buttons. You need to check that attitude at the door, Abed. You need to check the door before you go through it, Shirley. What? What? Abed, you cannot talk to us that way. Good point, Annie. Affirmative, you're all bitches. Nice shirt, it would look better on a girl. Take a bronzer. You're not fooling us with that band-aid, we know it's a zit. You're all bitches, triple bitches. Honey, I don't know when I'll be home. How could you guys hate me more than Pierce? Or anything more than Pierce? Thin ice, Shirley. My friends and I are not going to let you drive a wedge between us. Shirley has a point. This list stinks like a butt convention. How else could you explain Troy being so unpopular? Uh, I think I was the popular one in our pairing. Oh, Troy. Fine, why don't I just go work with Todd? Hey, hey, that's cool. Whatever gets this project done. Oh, wow, what a great guy. I can see why all of you like him so much more than me. Jeff, maybe it's just that no one wants to carry you all year. Gee, you're right, Annie. It's not personal. I mean, it's not like people really like you. You're just a good grade in a tight sweater. You're just a bad grade in a tight sweater. And who the hell are you always texting? Everyone you know is here. Okay, let's all just take a breath. Don't get your number four stink on this, Todd. Okay, let's focus. We're all the same people we were 12 hours ago. Maybe we should just revert to our original pairings. But I thought you didn't want to carry Jeff. Oh, well you just don't want to work with Shirley. You too, Brute? It's just, you're a creationist. What? You're so religious. How are you going to do science experiments if being religious doesn't mean they have a problem with science? And certainly if an introductory biology course at a community college can refute 2,000 years of miracles. Oh, God. And what about Britta? She's not going to dissect anything. Fine, you got me. I won't dissect anything with a face. What about worms? They have tiny little faces. This is why you're the stupidest. If loving worms is stupid, I don't want to be smart. It is, and you can't be. We have been looking at this totally wrong. There's no way I'm unpopular. One of you monsters just put me last in a petty attempt to humble me. Oh! I just had a terrible nightmare that Jeff was a pompous ass. Also, Todd was there. Uh, no offense, Todd. Just go with this. It's really sad. Yeah, I've seen it. Anything helps, just anything you could give would be really helpful. I don't have. Hey, I, like, need you to save the pelicans. They're all feathery and pelican-y. I love them. Thank you. Wow, it really is easy to raise money when you sell out your gender. I'm sure it's even easier when you're not standing next to this. Hey, jerk! You're stupid! Give me money, I know more than you. Oh, I don't know anything. I need boys. I obviously don't need guys for anything. That's why I wear stripper boots during the day and eat only celery and mustard for lunch. Oh, I never stop smiling. I never start. My sweaters keep shrinking. I get up an hour early to ever so slightly curl my hair. Yeah, you're both so different. Skinny bitches. Is it on Paul's? No. It's just him. Sorry you've been waiting 26 hours. It's just gonna be another five minutes. Okie dokie. Oh, ****. Why won't he leave? Professor! I'm sorry, this guy's not moving. I have classes to go to. Go! Fine! Go kill John Lennon again, you loser! He's ruined my study. He has warped the Duncan Principle. Damn you! You outlying piece of... It's you! You told me to bring subjects. Yeah, subjects. Not Rain Man. I should never have let you into this lab, Miss Annie Fanny Panties in a Punch. Oh! Oh, that's so hilarious! Do you think it's that the last time you skipped a trip to the dentist? Oh, let me answer that question with another question. It's not fair! What are you doing? Stop writing! Give me that! You have destroyed the Duncan Principle! See ya! Jess! I haven't been tipped like that since my last divorce. Britta, you were right. I can feel my ego taking over. Do something! Okay, listen to me. You are not that big of a deal. Do you understand? You have bad posture. When you do too many push-ups, it looks like you have boobs. The tile in your bathroom is tacky. You were emotionally closed off in bed to the point where one time I didn't come up because I couldn't find close enough parking. You have an unusually high butt crack. Thank you. It couldn't have been easy for you to lie like that. We are getting you out of here. Get back to your quadrants now! Britta! Honey, you were the highlight of the evening. There's awards? Horse neck! So, what's with the clothes? I mean, you look like a toddler who got dressed in the dark. Snap! Here it comes, y'all! Look at your face. It's like your mom was a lizard who got raped by a muppet. So that bear was brought to you by the letter S, isn't it? What? Too hurt to respond? That's right. You don't have feelings. See, the rest of us feel ashamed of ourselves, so we act like bitches to make ourselves feel better. But you did it to fit in, and no matter how hard you try, you never will. Snap! How bad are you, okay? That was so cruel. I deserved it. I should have never been mean to anybody, least of all you guys. We were the kind of women that we hate, and we turned you into a monster. The kind of monster that makes outlandish statements about someone's weight. Those kind of things hurt, even when they're not true. And all because we were insecure. Everyone is. Even Tom Cruise knows he's short and nuts. We're at the mercy of each other and ourselves. That's why there has to be forgiveness on both sides. Aw, man! Okay, another point goes to red team. How is this still happening? I can't remember what regular Arizona was like. Guys, this is important to Annie. So whoever actually died a few months ago, fess up so we can put a stake through your heart. Jeff! Annie, I think the real lesson here is that a model you win, much like the real you win, quickly falls apart when faced with actual... No! I need to win this! Like a little schoolgirl, and not in a hot way. That made me sound creepy. But here's the thing. In summation, good luck, and bon appétit. Many, many paragraphs of that were oddly supportive. Wait till you hear the one I have for you. Okay, I know that wasn't gum. You're right. It was an awesome exit pill. Zip, zop, zooey! Bye! We gotta do something about piercing those painkillers. He's recovering from broken legs. He sure is. You can moonwalk. I'm sure he's almost through his prescription. Besides, he's a baby boomer. They invented drugs. Yeah, they also invented TV. Have you seen him control one of those? Intervention, intervention, intervention. Count me out. We can't count you out. He listens to you. Well, he also listens to the Barenaked Ladies. Go get their dumbasses to help you. Whoa! Okay, Jeff, you are clearly in a bad space today, but Pierce is our friend, and the Barenaked Ladies are triple platinum. Are you? Why does everyone leap to defend that band when friendship stops being questioned? Well, maybe friendship is about going through a lot of stuff, Jeff, and maybe BNL has two Billboard Awards to your zero. Oh, okay, they're BNL now. We need a shorthand for the Barenaked Ladies. That's how fundamental they are. Fundamental. You know what Pierce probably needs more than anything? Some space. Maybe I do, too. You know what? Maybe we all need some space to pull the knife out of the back of the most celebrated Canadian alt-rock band of the mid-90s, you selfish, jaded ass. What? We are fighting!