13 Minutes of Amy Becoming Wild Amy ¦ The Big Bang Theory

In a few minutes, when I gloat over the failure of this enterprise, how would you prefer I do it? The standard I told you so? Or the classic neener-neener? Or just my normal look of haughty derision? Haughty derision it is. Excuse me, I'm Amy Farrah Fowler, you're Sheldon Cooper. Hello, Amy Farrah Fowler. I'm sorry to inform you that you have been taken in by unsupportable mathematics designed to prey on the gullible and the lonely. Additionally, I'm being blackmailed with a hidden dirty sock. If that was slang, I'm unfamiliar with it. If it was literal, I share your aversion to soiled hosiery. In any case, I'm here because my mother and I have agreed that I will date at least once a year. Interesting. My mother and I have the same agreement about church. I don't object to the concept of a deity, but I'm baffled by the notion of one that takes attendance. Well, then you might want to avoid East Texas. Noted. Now, before this goes any further, you should know that all forms of physical contact up to and including coitus are off the table. May I buy you a beverage? Tepid water, please. Good God, what have we done? When she told me she had a boyfriend. I assure you, I am quite real and I'm having regular intercourse with your daughter. What? Oh, yes. We are like wild animals in heat. It's a wonder neither of us has been hurt. What is he saying? You wanted me to have a boyfriend, Mother. Well, here he is. Have to sign off now. My hunger for Sheldon is stirring in my loins. Oh, yes. It's time for me to make love to your daughter's vagina. Thank you, Sheldon. That went very well. Agreed. Amy, I find myself wondering if we should actually engage in coitus at least one time in our relationship. Bazinga. Bedtime. Please show yourself out. I have to drive home and I've got enough trouble seeing over the dashboard as it is. That's okay. You can just sleep here. Oh, good. A slumber party. We'll do makeovers, initiate phony phone calls, and have spirited pillow fights in our frilly nighties. Oh, gosh, Amy. I don't know if I would call this an actual slumber party. Well, that's disappointing. I've always wanted to be invited to a slumber party. You never were? Not even when you were a kid? Well, there was the time I had my tonsils out and I shared a room with a little Vietnamese girl. She didn't make it through the night, but up till then it was kind of fun. Okay. Well, I guess we're having a slumber party. Pillow fight. These are my friends, Bernadette and Amy. Hi. Hey. It's good to see you. Yeah, you too. He's really cute. How do you know him? Oh, we went out a couple times. I'm often flummoxed by current slang. Does went out mean had intercourse? Yes. No, no. But in this case, yes. Interesting. And was it not satisfactory? No, it was great. He just didn't really challenge me on an intellectual level. Couldn't you just fool around with him and then listen to NPR? Wouldn't help. Zach can't even spell NPR. It's what I do with Howard. I'm much smarter than he is, but it's important to protect his manhood. I'm suddenly feeling flushed. My heart rate is elevated. My palms are clammy. My mouth is dry. In addition, I keep involuntarily saying, Oh, we know what's causing that, don't we? It's no mystery. I obviously have the flu coupled with sudden onset Tourette's syndrome. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to take my temperature. Are you monitoring your circadian rhythms in order to identify your periods of maximum mental acuity? I did that one summer. Oh, you. No, I experienced some distressing symptoms last night, so I'm checking my vital signs every hour. I'd be happy to create a chart. Participate in a differential diagnosis. Oh, that sounds like fun. All right. What were the symptoms? Elevated heart rate. Moist palms. Dry mouth. And localized vascular throbbing. Localized to what region? Ears and genitalia. Interesting. Not body parts that usually team up. What about environmental factors? Describe the scene for me. I was sitting in a restaurant with Penny and Bernadette drinking water, carbonated as it was a special occasion. Penny's friend Zach stopped by and said hello, and I said, who? Who? Zach. Then why did you ask? Ask what? Who? Zach. All right, let's start over. What did you say when Zach walked in? Who? Zach. Why do you keep saying Zach? Because you keep saying who. I'm not saying who now. I said who last night. And the answer was Zach, correct? There was no question. I simply said who. All right, I think I have enough to go on. Possible explanations for your symptoms are, in descending order of likelihood, hyperthyroidism, premature menopause, hosting an alien parasite, or, and I only include it for the sake of covering absolutely all bases, sexual arousal. Where would I have picked up an alien parasite? It would seem Amy is drunk in a liquor store parking lot. Really, Amy? Leonard, be glad you can't keep a woman. They are a handful. It's Sheldon and Lil' Leonard. Hi, Lil' Leonard. Hi, Amy. Eight cuddles. Cuddles? Yes, cuddles. We cuddled. Grow up, Leonard. What are you doing here? Well, I came here to get a bottle of wine like Penny taught me to do when you're sad. Yeah, but why didn't you go back to your apartment? Didn't you go to high school, Leonard? Parking lots are where all the cool kids hang out. Not that the rat bastards ever invited me. Maybe we should get you home. Oh, hang on, hang on, hang on. Sheldon, what would it take for you to go into that liquor store, buy a bottle of hooch, take me across the street to that motel, and have your way with me? Yeah, Sheldon, what would it take? I'm begging both of you, please, let's go. Oh, come on. Oopsy-daisy. Finally, someone found second base. I'm gonna ask you something, and I'd like you to keep an open mind. Always. At this moment, I find myself craving human intimacy and physical contact. Oh, boy. You know ours is a relationship of the mind. Proposal. One wild night of torrid lovemaking that soothes my soul and inflames my loins. Counter-proposal. We'll gently stroke your head and repeat, Aw, who's a good Amy? How about this? French kissing. Seven minutes in heaven culminating in second base. Neck massage. Then you get me that beverage. We cuddle. Final offer. Very well. Oh, boy. I'm just saying second base is right there. Amy? Oh, right, funeral. Amy? Hello, Sheldon. I'm not allowed to wear my silver surfer necktie. You can wear a bathrobe. I think I'm too sick to go to the funeral. You're sick? You poor kid. We'll see ya. Sheldon, aren't you gonna take care of me? Me? No. I'm not that kind of doctor. But our relationship agreement clearly states that when one of us is sick, the other must take care of them. Oh, I see the confusion. The intent behind that clause was to force you to take care of me when I'm ill. When you're feeling better, you'll think that's funny. Never mind. Good night, Sheldon. Amy? I made a commitment in writing to comfort you in times like this. And additionally, you are my girlfriend and I care about your well-being. Thank you, Sheldon. You're welcome. Let's get this over with. 102.2. That's exactly what it was half an hour ago. Looks like I'm not even trying to get better. Sheldon, you don't get over the flu in half an hour. Well, not with that attitude. I have to say, I'm finding your bedside manner a little lacking. I'm sorry. I just want you to get better as soon as possible. And with that goal in mind, let me ask you a question. Do you believe in the placebo effect? Of course I do. There have been many studies proving its validity. Great. Now, this may look like a Tic Tac, but it is really a powerful medication specifically designed to cure your illness as well as freshen your breath. Sheldon, this isn't helping. Why don't you just let me get some rest? How can you sleep? I'm not done making you feel better. I still have to put a cold rag on your head, sing to you, and apply VapoRub to your chest. You want to rub something on my chest? Yes, all over it. Maybe we should start with that. Now you're being a responsible patient. Now, you may notice some tingling. Oh, I'm counting on it.