Cheers! The Gang Gets Festive ¦ The Big Bang Theory

What the hell are you doing? Relax, it's NyQuil. You still have a cold? Maybe, but I don't care. That's the great thing about NyQuil, it's like 10% booze. I call it the night time sniffling, sneezing, coughing, so you can talk to girls medicine. So your wife's in Arizona with the grandkids. Uh-huh. My mom's been to Arizona. She rode one of those mules down in the Grand Canyon. Long story short, they had to shoot it. Because she's so fat. I'll get the door. Well, you finish laughing. How do you not make a first down there? They passed against a nickel defense, they should have run it off tackle. How the hell do you know that? My father loved football. He always made me watch it before I was allowed to do my homework. What do you think they ought to do now? I would throw a quick slant to a wide out, given that the defense is showing blitz. Oh, I love a good blitz, especially with sour cream. Get it? Because it sounds like blintz. Did someone say blintz? You remember the Thanksgiving game when it snowed in Dallas? 1993, Leon Lett blew the game in the final seconds and the Dolphins emerged victorious. And then I finally got to do my calculus. I was so pissed I wanted to shoot my TV. So was my dad. And then he did. Anyone need a beer? Yeah. Thank God. Does your dad still live in Texas? No, he died when I was 14. I'm sorry to hear that. So was the man who owned the local liquor store. He cried and cried. There you go. Oh, thanks. So if your dad died when you were 14, you were never old enough to have a beer with the man? No, sir. He did try to give me one for my high school graduation, but I was 11 and my mom said no. Well, you're having one with me. All right. To your dad. I never had a beer with my dad either. Do you mind? We're having a moment here. Go on out there. Sheldon and your dad are bonding and completely ignoring me. I know how you feel. Sheldon ignored me for a week when he got that Roomba vacuum. I kick it when he's not looking. What are they doing? They're drinking beer and watching football. So why don't you do that with them? They don't want me. What do you mean? Well, Sheldon started talking about how his dad isn't alive anymore and they were toasting and I tried to tell him about how sad I was when my dad abandoned me. Zach's here. Start the gravy. That's all I can do without throwing up. That is not what I expected when you said you were going to burp pie. Did somebody say pie? I don't know what's scarier. The bathroom clowns or the woman that put them there. All I know is you can only fit one of her in a car. I really didn't want to come here. This is shaping up to be one of the best Thanksgiving's I've had in a long time. Me too. Howard says you've been making fun of him. Apologize right now. She's so tiny. It's funny when she's mad. All right, mister. Thank you. Oh, Howard and Bernadette. An apology. Perhaps you're right. I'm sorry for my behavior. I've had alcohol and it's caused me to be inappropriate. Don't worry about it. Thank you. Ain't she great? Sheldon. Now's about you get us a couple of beers. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Dr. Leonard Hofstetter and it is my great honor to introduce the winner of this year's Chancellor's Award for Science and my good friend, Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Before I do, I'd like to share with you a letter from Sheldon's mother who couldn't be here tonight. Isn't that nice? His mother sent him a letter. She's proud of him. I wonder what that feels like. Dear Shelly. That's what she calls him. Shelly. It's a pet name. You know what my mother's pet name for me is? Leonard. But I digress. Dear Shelly. Oh dear. What's the matter? I'm getting dizzy. Don't worry. You're surrounded by your semen. I can't do this. I'm going to faint. Here, drink this. It'll relax you. Alcohol? I don't drink alcohol. Fine, faint. I don't feel different. This alcohol's defective. Here, see if this one works. First of all, the projects were totally different. I was showing that classical music nurtures lima beans and makes them grow. But my mother didn't hear me. If you'd like to look at the relationship between nurturing and growth, I'd like to point out that my brother is eight inches taller than me. I'm gay. Great. Ladies and gentlemen, our guest of honor, Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Thanks, Shorty. I'll take it from here. All right. You people ready to have some fun? You have a basic understanding of differential calculus and at least one year of algebraic topology? Well, here come the jokes. Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side. Bazinga! And Neutron walks into a bar and asks, How much for a drink? The bartender says, For you? No charge. Hello? I know you're out there. I can hear you metabolizing oxygen and expelling carbon dioxide. It looks like we have some academic dignitaries in the audience. Dr. Randall from the geology department, only man who's happy when they take his work for granted. But I'll show. I've kid the geologist, of course, but it's only because I have no respect for the field. Let's get serious for a moment. Because we're scientists. And what do scientists study? The universe. And what's the universe made of? I am so glad you asked. There's antimony, arsenic, aluminum, selenium, and hydrogen, and oxygen, and nitrogen, and rhenium, and nickel, neodymium, neptunium, germanium. Everybody! And iron, americium, ruthenium, uranium, europium, zirconium, lutetium, vanadium. Just the Asians! Hey! What brings you in? Penny, if you wouldn't mind, I'd like to have a conversation about girls. I had a feeling we'd have a talk like this sooner or later. Are you finally getting fuzz in weird places? Penny, please. I'm on the horns of a relationship dilemma. And for the record, I had a full pubis of hair by the time I was 19. And for the record... So, what are you drinking? It's been a rough day. I usually go chamomile tea, but I don't think I was going to cut it. You could have a Long Island iced tea. Would that calm my nerves? It's calmed the pants off me a couple times. Sold. So, the heart you got from the wizard giving you trouble? Trouble isn't with me, Penny. It's with your gender. And someday scientists will discover that second X chromosome contains nothing but nonsense and twaddle. Yeah, Amy told me what happened. Look, just apologize. It'll warm her twaddle. It's a band-aid at best. The core problem is that Amy and Will do not like each other. Which is baffling. Because they're both crazy about me. And I like them. Which indicates they're bright and interesting. And or we're on Star Trek. Hey, you can't make people like each other. Not true. Leonard made me like you. Let me tell you, that was a hard row to hoe. Cheers, pal. Ooh. That is a treat that's hard to beat. Get the Mad Hatter on the horn. I'm having a tea party. You might want to pace yourself. I drink tea all the time. I think I know what I'm doing. Hard be it for me to criticize a man with a full pubis. Look, Sheldon, your problem is not Will Wheaton, okay? Your problem is the way you treated Amy. Problem is I'm out of tea. Come on. Someone insulted your girlfriend and you just let them do it? I thought you Texas guys stood up for your woman folk. Penny, please. I think I've evolved beyond my simple rustic upbringing. Sorry. On the other hand, that low-down Polecat done wrong my woman. Welcome to Long Island, Tex. Amy deserves better. You know, when we buy the Planters Deluxe Mix, she eats all the Brazil nuts so I don't have to look at them. She's a unique blend of saint and squirrel. Yep, that she is. Here you go. I'm a callous egomaniac. She's going to leave me. No, she won't. I'm great. Okay, here you go, Leonard. One tequila sunrise. Thank you. You know, this drink is a wonderful example of how liquids with different specific gravities interact in a cylindrical container. Thank you. Okay, Raj, what will it be? Whatever you recommend. How about a grasshopper? I make a mean grasshopper. Good, coming up. Sheldon, what are you going to have? I'll have a Diet Coke. Okay, can you please order a cocktail? I need to practice mixing drinks. Fine. I'll have a Virgin Cuba Libre. That's rum and Coke without the rum. Yes. So, Coke. Yes. And would you make it Diet? There's a can in the fridge. Cuba Libre traditionally comes in a tall glass with a lime wedge. Then swim to Cuba. Bartenders are supposed to have people skills. Okay. Raj, here you go. Alright, who's next? I'd like to try a Slippery Nipple. Okay, you're cut off. Anybody need a refill? Where did my life go, Penny? Free bachelor and the next I'm married and driving a minivan to peewee cricket matches in suburban New Delhi. Are you talking to me? Is there another Penny here? I had such plans. I had dreams. I was going to be the Indira Gandhi of particle astrophysics. But with a penis, of course. It's amazing. Ever since I was a little boy, my father wanted me to be a gynecologist like him. How can I be a gynecologist? I can barely look a woman in the eye. You know what? I'm not going to let my parents control my future any longer. It's time for a showdown. Somebody give me a computer with a webcam. Okay. Sweetie, I think that's the grasshopper talking. And it's about to tell my parents that I'm not riding an elephant down the aisle with Lalita Gupta. Okay, calm down. No one can make you get married. Why don't you just meet this girl and see what happens? Haven't you been listening to me? I cannot talk to women. Um, Raj. No, no, let's see how long it takes him. You say you can't talk to women, but you've been talking to me. And now we'll never know. You're right. I am talking to you. Hello, Penny. How are you? Okay, now I just need to make sure I have a Lalita before I meet the grasshopper. It's a sweet green miracle. Okay, if you're going to drink on this date, just promise me you won't overdo it. Overdo what? Happiness? Freedom? This warm glow inside of me that promises everything's going to be all hunky-dunky? Yeah, that. Why don't you bring her to my restaurant while I'm tending the bar so I can keep an eye on you? Okay. Wait a minute, what's the plan here? Let's say he meets her, he likes her, they get married. What's he going to do, stay drunk for the rest of his life? Work for my parents. Leonard! Sonny boy! Get out here! Your mommy wants to talk to you! The hell is going on? You're in trouble. Why didn't you tell me you were tapping my homegirl? Did I say that right? Yeah, not bad, not bad. Are you guys drunk? Well I hope so, otherwise why would we have stopped at Del Taco? Now, how could you not tell me you were in a relationship with this lovely, charming young woman? Oh, thank you. You're welcome. Is it because she's uneducated, trapped in a menial service position? What the hell happened to lovely and charming? How come you didn't tell me that you and father were getting a divorce? How come you didn't tell me you had surgery? How come you didn't tell me my dog died? What I hear you saying is that you want a more intimate mother-son relationship. I do. There, it's late. Now, go to bed. I'm getting a warm feeling spreading through my heart. That's the Del Taco. Why is Leonard softly banging his head against his bedroom door? Speaking of warm feelings, come here. Now I'd rather have the bus boy. This may be the rum talking, but as long as the unpinning rate of the vortices is kept within 1.1 and 1.3, the Magnus Force issue should be negligible. Even drunk, he's still smarter than all of us. And stronger. Who wants to see me beat up the bartender? I'd enjoy that. Nah, she's a good kid. Leonard, he says Sheldon's drunk and they're going to do karaoke if we want to join them. That sounds fun. Oh no, Sheldon's drunk texting me. What's it say? Would you like to sing karaoke with us? How's that a drunk text? Well, he used a period instead of a question mark. He's so wasted. Are you having fun? Yeah, I just finished sewing this top to bottom. Now I'm going to sew it side to side. Pace yourself. Some more tea? Oh, lovely. Seriously, what the hell? Huh? This is my bachelorette party. Tea and quilts. What? You said you didn't want anything crazy. Yes, but I said it like I don't want anything crazy. Which clearly means I wanted something crazy. I mean, is this how boring you think I am? I think she asked you a question. Of course not. So you thought that I would like quilting? Well, don't you? Of course I like quilting. It's the slowest way to make a blanket. But this is my bachelorette party. It's supposed to be fun and wild and full of bad decisions. Hey, we can make bad decisions. Yeah, she had two kids back to back and I thought you'd like this. So we're off to a good start. Come on, let's go somewhere we can do body shots off shirtless bartenders. Yes. Well, I don't know. That might be too much. All right, you know what? Why don't we stay home and have a little wine? What are you not getting about this? This is so exciting. Can we do a body shot? I've always wanted to do a body shot. Also, what's a body shot? It's when you take a drink out of a stranger's belly button. Oh, no thanks. But what if they have an Audi? Does it just spill everywhere? Okay, look, we've got all night. Let's just take it easy. I'm getting married! There you go. First round's on the house. Hey there. Do you do body shots? Oh, she said she didn't want to. Mind your business. Cheers! Amy? Amy! Should we get her home? Why? She's sound asleep and we have sliders coming. Move around! Oh, look who's back. There she is. What happened? How did we get here? I remember taking some shots and then... That's it. Oh my gosh, did I pass out? You kind of did. At my own bachelorette party? I'm so lame. Well, you didn't pass out before you did all kinds of fun stuff. What did I do? What did you do? Um... What, you don't remember river dancing on top of the bar? I did that? Yeah, you did. But I don't know how to river dance. Didn't stop you from teaching all those shirtless firemen. I saw shirtless firemen? Saw, smelled, slid down like a pole. Did I flash anybody? How about everybody? I can't believe it. I'm so embarrassed. You didn't take any pictures, did you? Oh, no, we would never do that. Yeah, but if there were pictures, they would be crazy. You guys are good friends. What's going on? It would seem Amy is drunk in a liquor store parking lot. Really? Amy? Now, Leonard, be glad you can't keep a woman. They are a handful. It's Sheldon and Lil' Leonard. Hi, Lil' Leonard. Hi, Amy. Hey, cuddles. Cuddles? Yes, cuddles. We cuddled. Grow up, Leonard. Amy, what are you doing here? Well, I came here to get a bottle of wine like Penny taught me to do when you're sad. Yeah, but why didn't you go back to your apartment? Didn't you go to high school, Leonard? Parking lots are where all the cool kids hang out. Not that the rat bastards ever invited me. Maybe we should get you home. Hang on, hang on, hang on. Sheldon, what would it take for you to go into that liquor store, buy a bottle of hooch, take me across the street to that motel and have your way with me? Yeah, Sheldon, what would it take? I'm begging both of you. Please, let's go. Come on. Oopsy-daisy. Finally, someone found second base. So, where does Leonard think you are? Oh, I told him I was at yoga. Well, you are stretching the truth. Oh, yeah? Where does Sheldon think you are? Oh, Sheldon's kind of like a dog. He doesn't really think about me when I'm gone, but he's so happy when I show up. Oh, nice easy-bake quesadilla. Oh, hot. Thanks for letting me come over and hang. So, Leonard still hasn't made a decision yet? No, and I've really been laying on the guilt. Did you break out the sad eyes? You mean these bad boys? What do we do? We're just gonna have to wait till they go back inside. Okay, okay. Can we very quietly open that second bottle of wine? Hey, don't freak out, but I think there's someone in your playhouse. Oh, yeah, that's just Bernadette. She's been hiding out there all week. Really? Why? I don't know. She's been a little overwhelmed at work, and frankly, me and the kids are a lot. She just needs some downtime. And you just pretend like you don't know? Sure. That's how marriage works. Three years ago, I told her I got life insurance, and I totally didn't. Someday, she's gonna find out. I'm gonna say, Ha ha ha, I know you've been hiding in the playhouse. Why don't you just get the life insurance? Whose side are you on? Can you hear what they're saying? Shh, I'm trying. Oh, sounds like Penny's in there, too. So what is the craziest request anyone's ever made? Oh, you know, I can't really say. Concierge guest confidentiality. Really, that's a thing? No. This one time, I had to go to Walmart at 3 a.m. because Britney Spears needed to blow bubbles. That is so cool. By the way, do not tell Raj that you met Britney Spears because he will literally die. You've been talking so much about me. Tell me about Raj. Okay, are you trying to get us drunk so we'll dish on our friend? Because it's totally gonna work. What do you want to know? What kind of guy is he? He is great. So great. How come he's still single? He is great. So great. Come on. Well, there's really nothing to tell. I mean, Raj is so much fun to hang out with. He's like one of our girlfriends, and I mean that in a good way. But also a bad way. Anything else? No. I mean, he takes baths with his dog, but not in a weird way. Or a normal way. They both wear swimsuits. He also cries every time Hugh Jackman sings. But not cute sniffles. Full-on snot sobs. But he is great. So great. I just feel like everything is falling apart. Come on, it's okay. No, it's not okay. Look at me, okay? I took a temp job as a waitress forever ago, and I'm still doing it. I can't quit because guess what? I can't do anything else. And I finally get my big break, and it goes away. I'm such a mess. No, you're not. Really? Because this morning at Starbucks, a pair of old underwear fell out of my pant leg. And it wasn't the only one in there. Okay, listen to me. This is just a minor setback. No, it's not, okay? I've been out here for like ten years. I have nothing to show for it. Well, you have me. You're right. I do have you. Let's get married. What? Leonard Hofstadter, will you marry me? Um. Did you seriously just say, um? You know, I love you, but you're drunk and sad and feeling lost. Okay, so you don't want to marry me? That is not what I said. No, forget it. I take it back. Offer's off the table. Who's in the mood to laugh? Well, ladies, we killed the bottle. I had half a glass. I didn't have any. Okay, don't judge me. So what do you want to do? Go to the movies? Go dancing? Lay down for a little bit? Or, we play Travel Twister. You mean really? Twister? Excuse me, I've passed many an enjoyable evening playing this game. And I'm sure it's a lot more exciting when you play with other people. What do you say, Bestie? We can do shirts and skins. I'm shirts. Called it. Penny, I said right hand red. Yeah, I heard ya. I got red. Left foot yellow. We should play Limbo next. No one beats me at Limbo. Penny. Amy. Bardette. That's my boyfriend. It's open. I got a splinter. What do you want me to do about it? Relationship agreement, section four, boo-boos and ouchies. You have to take care of it. I should have gotten a lawyer. Looks like it's just us playing. Penny? Penny, we're out of wine. You should probably drive. Thanks again for cooking. Yeah, everything was delicious. Well, I couldn't have done it without my two favorite girls. Martha Stewart and Rachel Ray. Hey, Sheldon, what do you say we go outside and throw around the old pigskin? This is a Jewish house. I don't think they have pigskin. Did someone say pigskin? I think back. Times we had, like when we went camping and spent that night telling each other all our secrets. I told him I'm addicted to pedicures and he told me he lost his virginity to his cousin. She was my second cousin. And the first woman you ever disappointed sexually. And then there was a time when Leonard and I took Howard to Las Vegas and paid a hooker to pretend she was Jewish and that she wanted his little kosher pickle. Of all the Howard humping hooker stories, that one's my favorite. Okay, buddy, that's it. Sit down. Oh, what about that tubby girl in the Sailor Moon costume at Comic-Con? Don't remember. Please sit down. The only threesome I've ever had in my whole life. And I'm proud to say it was with this man right here. Please sit down. Oh, don't get me wrong. Nothing happened with me and Howard. There was about 200 pounds of Sailor Moon between us. Oh, Internet, this is so going all over you. Jeepers, I'm drunk. Thank you for picking us up. There's a warning right there on the scotch bottle. You cannot be operating heavy machinery after you've had a snoot full of this, laddie. Funny. You boys have a nice time? Yeah, it was great. Low-key, like I promised. No hanky-panky, no strippers, just the guys telling jokes. That's nice. How about you? Did you have a fun night? Yeah, we made gift bags, had wine, and then went online and saw this. Of all the Harborker stories, that one's my favorite. You know, we're not that far from my apartment. If you stop the car, I can walk from here. You ain't going anywhere, three-way. You lied to me. You said you told me about all the girls you've been with, but you never mentioned your cousin, the prostitute, or Raj. Seriously, you don't even have to stop the car. Anything under ten miles an hour and I can combat roll into the street. Okay, just to set the record straight, I didn't hire the prostitute. She was a gift from him. Shame on you, Raj. That is not how we treat women in this country. Don't you try and blame this on him. Thank you, Bernadette. Zip it, pervert! Okay, I have just one question for you. While I am perfectly happy with the way things are between us, you said that you didn't want to go out with me because I was too smart for you. Well, newsflash, lady. David Underhill is ten times smarter than me. You'd have to drive a railroad spike into his brain for me to beat him at checkers. Next to him, I'm like one of those sign language gorillas who knows how to ask for grapes. So, my question is, what's up with that? Why are you yelling at me? Sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Never mind, we're cool. Dave is not smarter than you. He's an idiot. Really? Why would you say that? Because a smart guy takes the nude photos of his wife off his cell phone before he tries to take nude photos of his girlfriend. He tried to take nude photos of you? That's what you took from that?!