Ain’t No Meet _ Greet in the Hood _ Kevin Hart _ The Next Level _ LOL! Stand-Up

In a world of stand-up comedy, the half-hour special creates opportunities that a comic has long dreamed about. It's the gateway to the next level. Ladies and gentlemen, William Spank Horton. Please show William Spank Horton some love. Hold, hold, hold. Hold the applause. Hold the applause. Why did you say Will? Well, your name is William Spank Horton. This is my brand. This is my stage name. I want you to call me by my stage name. You know what? You're absolutely right. I'll start. Thank you, sir. I'll start over. Ladies and gentlemen, Spank Horton. Spank Horton. A friend that I should call a brother because I've known you that long. You're from Philadelphia, PA. Yes. Right? What part of Philadelphia are you from? Knightstown. Knightstown. Slash North Philadelphia. Where the gangsters be at. Bang, bang. I know what it is. Okay. There's no need to threaten people. Okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Now, you were the guy in college that actually booed comedians. Yes. So then you start doing comedy. Yes. Were you ever fearful of running into a guy like yourself that I like to call the asshole? Yes. Yes. Why did you boo comedians? What did you think? Because on college campus, I was known to be the funny guy, so I always had my same seat at every show. It would be like, you see how you got these rows right here? I'd be right in the middle, dead center. Right in the middle right there with my man right here. So they could see you. So they could see me. Eye contact. Right. And then everybody look at me. If the comedian ain't doing good, everybody look at me like, it's that time that I would just stand up. Ah. Ooh! And everybody join in. And the comedian got off stage. What a dick. What a dick. But mind you, at this time, I didn't know it was a craft and all that. It was before. I was thinking about it. I was just like, yo, every comedian should be funny if they get on stage. Yeah. What sparked the decision to pursue stand-up comedy? Kings of Comedy came out in 2000. I remember leaving the theater and a couple people saying, when are you going to get on stage? Really? Yes. So was there a weird transition for you when you tried to start doing comedy? Was there a weird separation from being the instant funny within the group and then trying to be the guy on stage? It was a transition regardless. It's going to be a transition because you're in front of people you don't know. When you're in front of your friends, they know you, so they know you're about to be funny. But when people pay and they don't know you, you got to be funny. So it was definitely a transition. It was definitely a transition though. I've seen you grow and develop from the comedian that at one point had the three to five-minute sets, and those five-minute sets grew to 10-minute sets. So take this stage and do what you do best. I'm proud of you, man. I'm happy for you. Next level, brother. Go do what you do. Ladies and gentlemen, the next level presents Spank Horton. Hey, what's up, y'all? How y'all doing out there? I'm good and sexy some years and most years and whatever. I ain't going to get into that. I'm just going to get right into it, right to the jokes. This is my job. I love my job. Round of applause if you love your job. Let me find out who's out here loving what they do. I respect everybody out there with a nine to five. I salute you because I could not do it. I'm letting you know right now, I didn't like the whole process of getting a job. That's what pissed me off. You got to go down to the office and ask for an application. People look like they too busy to even talk to you. Come on, man. You was overhead like three months ago. Let me get an application, brother. Then it take you about an hour to fill out the application because they all types of stuff you got to answer. Previous job histories. I worked at UPS for like two weeks. I don't know if I could put that down. Maybe I'll put three years and put my IT name down there and tell her she was the supervisor or something like that. Let me go ahead and call her a prep huck because she messed something up. I'm going to need this job right here. You hear me? But what I don't like about it is you don't get the interview until like three, four months later. You ever lie so much on the application by the time you get to the interview, you forget what the hell you put on the application? You sitting there cross-talking. They talking about what it says here. Hey, whatever, man. Do I got a job? I don't know what I put down there. Asking me all these questions. They ask a bunch of dumb questions at interviews. Oh, these questions get on my nerves. Just dumb questions. If our competitors was to offer you a job and pay you more, would you leave this job? I mean, I put in an application. They called you or something? You know something? Well, this interview is over. They're paying $10.50 an hour. You only $9.50. I'm out of here. I'm going to get that $10.50 immediately. But this one, you know the interview ain't going good. This one, you know you ain't getting a job. They hit you with the bullshit, you know. Well, with this application, you just go keep this on file. No, it took me about an hour and a half to fill that out. You going to give me that application back? Yeah, I'll take it to another McDonald's. This ain't the only McDonald's down here, I promise you. I'll have to wait for you to call me. McDonald's? Hell, no. I'm out of here. That's why I like this job, man. This job actually got me out the hood. This job got me out the hood. I'm in the suburbs with all white people. Hey. Hey, neighbors. I'm the only black on the block, too. Yes, yes. It feels good. It feels good. But I feel a little bad, though, because, like, I ain't getting my whole family out. I just got, like, my wife and my kids out. Like, my mom and my grandma, they still living in the hood. But I feel like they had their chance. They fucked their money up. That's all now, man. I got my money. I got the hell up out of there, you know? Grandma want to keep sending me to the store playing the lottery every goddamn day. You better save that $20, grandma. Shit. And get up on out this hood. But I noticed, being around a lot of white people, I started picking up their ways. Yeah. I forgot who I was for a minute, you know? I saw black people come down the street. I start crossing the street. Oh, what's going on over here? Man, you about to ride me. Shit. I don't want that problem. I stopped speaking to black people. White people, why y'all do that? Why y'all don't speak to us? Why? I hate this. This gets on my goddamn nerves. I hate when I take my time and take my breath to talk to you to say, how you doing, and you hit me with the, hmm, hmm. Oh, hell no. I'm chasing you down. You're going to answer this goddamn question. Hell, well, I say, how you doing? Well, answer my goddamn question. What the hell is that, hmm, hmm, I ask? You better answer this goddamn question. Shoot. But black people think about it, though. Think about it. We get a little presence within each other, though. Think about it. Some black people out there doing some ----, some crazy ----. You look around like, oh, come on, don't do that. No, then you see some white people. You be like, you got to explain. Nah, well, look, that's not really what we do. That's not us. Yeah, that might be a crack baby or something. I don't know what's going on. Don't judge him off of us, okay? That's not all of us. We're not like that. But black people think about it. You ever go into a bank, you up next, but it's a black teller. You be like, yeah, I'm gonna wait. Yeah, you can go ahead, damn that. She's like, so you gonna be all up in my business? She mess around being a stripper at night? You in the strip club? She's like, yeah, I saw your check cleared. Hey, what? The strip club from the teller. You know where the money at. Okay, I see what's going on over here. But I really knows I was changing when I saw a U-Haul truck come up the block. I said, oh, ----, we got some new neighbors. Let me go meet and greet, because that's what they did to me. They did like a meet and greet. Like, I didn't know what the hell a meet and greet was. They just showed up with a bunch of food. I'm like, okay, all right, well, you can't come in because I ain't got no furniture yet. You ain't gonna embarrass me coming in. Got a bunch of bean bags sitting on the floor. So just leave it right there. I get it, you go ahead about your way, you know. Because in the hood, we don't do meet and greets. We don't do no meet and greet in the hood. Come on, think about it. Somebody move on the block, you know they don't give a ----. You just let them know one thing. Hey, yo, I know you just moved around here and all that, but don't park your car here. I've been parking my car here for 20 years, all right? Thank you, appreciate you. Go ahead about your business, nigga. That's all I want, go ahead about your business. I don't want nothing else. So I said, let me go and meet and greet the new neighbors. I said, oh man, let me go check them out. I ain't cooking or nothing. I'll take them some Snickers or some ---- like that. I ain't. I noticed there's a bunch of black people. I said, I hope they lost. Where the hell they going? Oh, they moving in. I went to my white neighbors like, oh, you see these niggas that just moved on the goddamn block? There goes the neighborhood, goddamn. I just bought this goddamn house. Property value about to drop, ----. All I hear go, another nigga family? I said, another? Where the other nigga family at? I forgot who I was for a minute. You're right, baby. Let me take my black ass on in the house and lock the doors. Been married for about four years. Uh, yeah, well, ah, that ---- is stupid. All you do is argue all the goddamn time. Is that what we got married for, to argue? I thought once you get married, all that get left behind. Nah, that ---- keep going even more. This ---- is stupid. I shouldn't have got married then, what the ****? Don't get me wrong. Every relationship argue, every. Boyfriend, girlfriend, y'all argue. But these boyfriend and girlfriend arguments, they real, like, they genuine. Like, I get why you mad. Think about it, because when you marry, they petty arguments. You left the water on, bitch, cut it off. You right there, what the ****? Why would you scream down the step to have me come all the way up the step to cut it off and you right the **** there? Come on, man. Boyfriend and girlfriend arguments be passionate. You know what's about to come. You know you're about to get into an argument. What? It's about money, bills. Why you keep cheating on me? Shit like that, that's real ******* arguments. I see why you mad, I get it. When you're married, mm-mm, petty as hell. The other day, me and my wife argued about who I put down as my emergency contact. Mind you, I've been putting my mother in this spot all my life. Now, all of a sudden, since I'm married, I'm supposed to scratch her off and put you? Yes, yes, we in love. I come first, I'm in the book, mm-mm, mm-mm. But you gotta think about it, I'm not thinking. I'm not thinking, it's stupid. Think about it, we together 24-7. If I'm dying, bitch, you're probably dying too. Now it's two bodies on the side of the road with two cell phones going off as we put each other the **** down as an emergency contact. Shit is stupid. I can see our souls leaving the body. We're still going back and forth. But where the ambulance going? Bitch, just think about it, think about it. We both dead, they can't get in touch with no ******* body, goddamn. Told you, let me put my mother, ----. I can see us now, man, going to heaven or whatever. Still going back and forth. She looking at me, come on, let's go this way. I ain't gotta listen to you no more. I heard what the preacher said, till death do us part. Now it's time to do us in part. I am out of here. I think they need to change the whole marriage license thing. They should. They should make it equivalent to like a driver's license. Like every four years, you should have the option if you want to renew that ************, you know what I'm saying? It's on that fourth year, it's getting on your nerves, all right? Keep it up, I'm going to let this ---- expire, you keep ******* with me. Go get me a new goddamn wife, I ain't got time for this ----. Every four years, I'm going to have me a new one, you hear me? You make a lot of decisions in your life, you make a lot. Me getting married, that was one big decision. I just made another decision, I was like, ah, a little question about this one too. I don't think I'm a piece of ----, but I'm just being honest with y'all. I recently let my son move in with us, he from a previous relationship. Yeah, this was stupid too. I'm being honest with y'all, because I was a weekend dad. When you're a weekend dad, you get them for a couple of days, they start getting on your nerves, it's time to go home anyway. You're good, you're straight. Now I got to see this little ************ every day. I'm going to be honest with y'all. When I was a weekend dad, I didn't get them all the weekends I was supposed to, ---- happens. I bought these tickets months ago. Shit landed on my weekend, I'm like, hey, Jay-Z in town, I ain't going to be able to make it. So she got a little attitude, cursed me out, got mad, so whatever. So now I'm trying to make up for it. So I like to talk to him, trying to get to know him better. I ask him a couple of questions, and he cursed at me. He found himself, he's six two, he a little swole, whatever, he think he probably can, I ain't going to lie, I'm a little hesitant, because I ain't in shape at all. Sometimes you want to scare your child, give them a little jump or something, but I'm scared to do that. He ******* around thinking I'm serious, he coming back to hit me, and I'm like, oh, oh, oh, ----. So I don't want to take that chance, so I'm just going to talk to him, that's all, I'm just going to talk. Ask him a couple of questions, and he cursed at me. Let me know if I was wrong. I'm like, hey, man, you know, you dropped me off at school, we're seeing the little girls, man. Yeah, they're growing up, man, I can see you, you know what I'm saying? Like, come on, talk to me. You got a girlfriend? He's like, nah. So you know, nowadays, you got to ask that other question. You got a boyfriend? He said, **** no. I said, okay, since you're that adamant about it, I'm going to let you slide with that curse word, you know what I'm saying? But if he didn't be like, **** no, daddy, you know, I'm going to whip his ass. Who you talking to, man? But that got me thinking, like, wow, what if my son was to be gay? Shit. Don't get me wrong, as a father, I'm going to be there in his life. I got his back 100%, that's my boy. Whatever choices he make in life, I got him, right. That's how it's supposed to be. As a father, that's how it's supposed to be. But as a comedian, you're going to get these jokes like the rest of them. That's all I'm saying. They're just jokes. You get mad all you want, they're just jokes. But I would hope he at least the guy in the relationship, though, you know. You know, be the guy, you know. If you're the girl, I ain't going to know how to help you out with ----. Because growing up, all I heard about was the birds and the bees. I can hear the bees and the bees story, so I'm not going to know how to get you there. But you know, I'm your father. I got to help you out. You're the girl calling me crying. Daddy, he keep cheating on me. Well, cheat back. What the hell you want me to do? I don't know what to say, you know. What if he bring his boyfriend over to dinner? We at the table, talking, having a good time. My son, out of nowhere, go, daddy, pass me the salt. And he going to reach his hands, his boyfriend, oh, hell no, nigga. I'm daddy in this goddamn house, I love him, too. I don't care what y'all do in y'all little house, but in this house, I'm daddy, nigga. Here you go, son. Go ahead and use that salt, brother. You got that right, I'll pop that nigga's hand. It's wrong, too, so. Nigga ain't calling you daddy in front of his real daddy. **** wrong ----. But it's crazy, though. Like, what if he fall in love and want to get married? That's going to make me the father of the bride, ain't it? I got to walk this grown-ass man down the aisle and give him away? He must round up 6'10", so I'm going to hold my hand, daddy. All right, nigga, goddamn ----. Come on, man, let's hurry up, man. I'm tired, man, come on, now. Stop crying, he said he love you, ----, come on, man. But that's my son, I'm going to be there. I'm going to be there. I got his back 100%. Whatever choices he make, I got him. That's my son, that's my boy. When it's time for the bachelor party, though, I don't know, brother. He not going to want to have a bachelor party. He going to want to go to that other club, you know. Y'all know the club. Oosh, oosh, oosh, oosh, oosh, oosh, oosh, oosh. Why you hunching one shoulder, though? Hey, walking up to me, do you want to dance? ****, no, I don't want to dance, man. I'm here with him, man. Well, not with him, for him. That's my son. I don't want to dance, ----. I mean, you can buy me a drink, though. Like, I'll flirt a little bit. **** y'all. Drink's high as ----. **** that, uh-huh. Give me a shot of Hennessy, Platt. Ha-ha, yeah. No, not no double. I know what you're doing. I do that to women all the time. Just a single, thank you. Motherfucker trying to get in my drawer. Nigga, stop grabbing on me, nigga. Women are right. Men are aggressive. Sheesh. Nigga thought he was getting something off a double, ----. But messing with my son, it made me realize I got to get back in shape. That's my boy. I need to be in his life. I need to be on the court with him. Basketball, all that. But ----, if I sweat on stage now, I'm going to pass out when I got that basketball court. So I got to figure it out. I got to get back in shape. So I'm trying to go to the gym, but I don't know. Anybody been to the gym before? I feel like all the treadmills need to blow the **** up. For real. That's some bullshit. I swear to God, I was running on that bitch for 40 minutes. That ---- said two minutes when I looked down. I said, you kiss my ******* ass. I knew I was going to be here for 40 minutes. What the hell wrong with you, man? But somebody told me, you don't have to go to the gym. You want to get in shape? All you got to do is start eating better. When you go home, do some home exercises. And you should start off by getting a colonic. I said, a colonic? What is a colonic? He said, yeah, just go ahead down there and check it out. I'm telling you. Woo. I don't know if any men have had a colonic before, but I went down to that office. And the lady started bringing down the procedure. I said, ooh, yeah. I don't think I'm going to be able to go through with this. She was talking about she was going to lay me on my side, then stick a tube up inside my ass, then shoot water through it. I said, ooh, yeah. That sounds like doggie style. Yeah, I don't think I'm going to be able to go through with that. Sound like you trying to change my lifestyle. Damn that. Nuggets, think about it. Gay people say they was born gay. What if I was born gay and I've just been confused all this goddamn time? I go down here just to get a colonic. They stick this tube up my ass. They start shooting water through it. I get a little tickle. I start transforming the middle of the process. I get this shaking. Ooh. Oh, ----. The **** is that? I don't think I like women's no more. I am delivered. Now I'm back in the club. Is, is, is, is, is. I'm a good man, but I ain't spending some of my time, y'all.