New Year, New Me! ¦ The Big Bang Theory

Hey, Mrs. Davis. Hey, Dr. Hofstadter. Just thought I'd come down and start getting ready for swimsuit season. Good for you. Not that you need it, I bet you look great in a swimsuit. Thank you. I've got what my father used to call furniture disease. My chest is falling into my drawers. I'm not familiar with this model. How do I make it start? You push start. Right. This one might be broken. You have to move. Got it. Oh. Now I'm feeling it. Oh, this is great. I could do this for the rest of my life. Hey, speaking of things you do for the rest of your life. Did I read that you're on that tenure committee? Yep. I've got to get a home gym. I'm sure you have a lot of good applicants. I just want to say hi. Let you know that I'll be throwing my hat. Ring. All right, I'll keep an eye out for that. Yeah. Hey, Hofstetter. Funny seeing you here for the first time in ever. Go away. Sure sheen, let's do this. Hey, Barry. Look at that, burned a whole calorie. I guess you got here early to burn off that banana bread I baked you. Yeah, it was delicious, thank you. No, my pleasure. Well, if you like banana bread, I've got a great recipe. Trick is in fresh ground. I'll email it to you. All right, I'm warm. Ready to kick it up a notch? Let's go. That's enough cardio for me. Gotta stretch out before I hit the weights. How's everyone? Hey, Barry, you're doing great. Thanks for lifting my spirits. Next time try lifting the box. Please hurry. I don't need a treadmill. The doctor says you need to get exercise. I get plenty of exercise. Crushing my will to live isn't exercise. If she isn't going to use it, then why are we doing this? She'll use it. All I need is to rig it with a fishing pole and a honey baked ham. All right. Now what? We set it up in Howie's old room. Do you know how to set it up? Please. I'm an MIT trained engineer. I think I can handle this. I told you this thing would hang. Penny. Mommy. Hey. Nice knees. Thank you. They're my mother's. And the flash shirt is what? Because you're going to run really fast? No. The flash shirt is because it's Friday. But it's nice when things work out. Where's your heart rate monitor? I don't have one. What about your pedometer? Don't have one. Do you have telematics in your shoes connected to an iPod? Uh, no. What do you do? You just go out there and gamble about like a bunny? No, I just run until I'm hungry and then I stop for a bear claw. Why are you doing that? It's good to stretch your muscles before you run. All right. All right, let's start with a toe touch. I am doing it. Oh, wow. Good job. Okay, um, can you do this? We'll never know. Okay, let's just warm up on the run. Okay. Okay, let's go. I've been reading up on biomechanics. I think you'll be surprised if I... Oh, are you okay? I think so. Let me help you up. Thank you. Oh, Sheldon. If it makes you feel any better, Thursday is no longer cruciferous vegetable night. Buddy, I know it all feels overwhelming right now, but I promise you, things will settle down. There's no Earl Grey, you filthy liar! Hey, is Penny here? No, why? I wanted to show her my latest creation. I give you Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler. Wow, Amy, you look amazing. Thank you. Sheldon, what do you think? I like you better the way you were. But she looks beautiful. Classic lines, colors that complement her skin tone, and hair that goes from office to on the town in minutes. I don't care. Put it back. I like the way I look. Well, I don't. My fault. I was on Earl Grey. Sheldon, that was really rude. I'm sorry. Amy is the one constant I can count on, and now she's changing. It's just a haircut and some clothes. No, it's the last straw. I can't take anymore. Can you believe it? They finally fixed the elevator. This is a nightmare. What's with him? He won a Nobel Prize and his wife looks amazing. Oh, yeah, got it. How did you get down here? The elevator, it's really fast. I need to be alone right now. Don't try to follow me. Alright, you need a ride? That'd be great, thank you. All this change is just too much. The reporters, the attention at work, and now even Amy's changed. Slow down. I'm playing a drinking game. Every time you say the word change, I take a slug. Are you going to be able to drive me home? Not unless you change the subject. Now I said it. You know, you're the only person who could win the biggest prize in science and still be upset about it. It's just, all the times I thought about winning, I never thought about how it would affect my life. I'm sorry, I'm genuinely concerned about your liver. Fine, I'll stop playing. You know, you go on and on about wanting things to stay the same, but you've changed a lot since I met you. You are a mean drunk. I'm serious. You have a ton of friends. You got married. Moved into a new apartment. You wore a baseball hat that one time. Heck, you've had sex almost as many times as I have fingers. More. What? By this many. You dog! It was the Avengers trailer. Oh. You know, I've grown too. I used to be the bartender back there. That's true. And now there is a completely different woman who botched my drink order. How hard is 65% Coke, 35% Diet Coke? Well, judging by the look on her face, it's at least 1% saliva. But I do take your point. You know, you're also married. You have a successful career. You no longer dress like you're trying to attract sailors by the wharf. So, I guess the only thing that actually stays the same is that things are always changing. Interesting. So, you're saying the inevitability of change might be a universal constant. Well, there's a little more to it than that, but yeah, sure. Oh, hey, look. It's Bernadette. I can't tell you how many times Dr. Fowler was going to give up and I would say to her, Amy, as your best friend, I'm not going to let you quit. Okay, I'm drinking again. I'll join you, waitress. 95% Hawaiian punch, 5% vodka. Let me tell you about this time. Mr. Nobel Laureate wanted olives. This is a good one. You know what, 90-10. You know, I like the way my hair looks. I'm done tiptoeing around him. Well, we're all guilty of it. But why? Because we were afraid to upset him. Which happens anyway. Well, that's over. I'm done enabling him. Like, this is his spot. And the thermostat has to be set to his comfort level. Even though he doesn't even live here anymore and I'm always chilly. Is that why you wear a hoodie all the time? Yes! To accommodate children. And what about this thing? Why is it here? I'll tell you why. Because it was here when I moved in and for no earthly reason, he forbade me to touch it. Well, if you don't like it, get rid of it. And put it in the closet. You know what? I will. I bet that's the reason. Hang on. What do you think? Want to give it a try? Well... You know, the elevator did work when I moved into the building. So, going up and down the stairs was a change. Which means this would actually be a return to the status quo. But conversely... Get in! This is wild. You know, we're both down on our luck. Maybe you and I should try to get a place together. Okay, listen to me. There is no reason to leave here. This is great. Everyone's nice. It's comfortable. If all goes according to plan, this is my retirement home. Wouldn't you feel better about yourself if you were more independent? Better than I feel in their steam shower? I don't think so. You see, I'm doing this so I can stop being spoiled. And, you know, grow as a person. Good for you. This sandwich has six dollars worth of ham in it. I even feel a little bad sponging off your friends. Hey, look. I went to art college. I tried to make it as a graphic artist. A comic book artist. And you know what I got for my efforts? A visible rib cage. I'm not kidding. You can see my heart beating. Well, no offense, but I didn't go to art school. I have a PhD in astrophysics. Oh, great. It'll be easier for you to look up at the stars without a roof over your head. Hey. Ready for lunch? One sec. Is that the prototype drive system for the Hi-G rover? No. Bernadette got me a Fitbit so she can track how much I'm exercising. That'll teach her to care about your health. Yeah, I can't wait to see the look on her face when I die young. When was the last actual exercise you got? The other day when she tried to put that Fitbit on me and I ran away from her. According to a recent study, simply thinking about exercise even while sitting still can have physical benefits. For all you know, I could be exercising right now. Are you? Nah, I'll do it tomorrow. Wouldn't be the worst thing if we were more active. You make an excellent point. Where's Hyde? Howie? What's up? Why does your Fitbit say you ran 174 miles yesterday? And hold 3 2 1 Very good. Now let's try Warrior 2. And hold. I've read that there are great yogis who have such mastery over their bodies they can draw water in through their genitals. Well, I don't think we're going to get to do that today. Too bad. Seems like a good way to drink a milkshake without getting brain freeze. Oh, hey. Now we go to Reverse Warrior. How did she get you to do yoga? Well, to be honest, I thought she said Yoda. Okay, show me on guard. Good. Knees bent. Slightly over the toe. Non-sword hand up for balance. Oh, God. I am going to feel this tomorrow. Okay, the first move is called an advance. You move your front foot forward, heel to toe, back foot follows. So, front foot forward, heel to toe, back foot follows. Now you try. Advance. And advance. This is easy. I didn't need to wear a cup. Good. This next move is called a retreat. Step back. Back foot first, toe to heel, front foot follows. On three. Excuse me, Barry. Yes? When can I stab one of my friends? In fencing, we don't call it a stab. We call it a touch. Yes, I'm aware of it. If I say I want to touch one of my friends, I'll get called into Human Resources. Okay, on three. Cooper and Kuthwapalli, advance. The other two retreat. One, two, three. Very good. Switch it up. One, two, three. Switch again. One, two, three. Excuse me. And one, two, three. Downward-facing dog comes from the Sanskrit phrase Adho Mukha Savasana. Oh, that's beautiful. What does it mean? Downward-facing dog? I guess they don't have Sanskrit for butts up and heads down. We wrote the Kama Sutra. If it involves butts, there's a word for it. I thought we were getting breakfast before work. Oh, right. Sorry. It's my fault. I asked Penny to do yoga with me. If you want, I can get ready in five minutes. It's cute that you think that. Don't worry about it. Hey, can I ask a favor? Would you mind taking Cinnamon for a walk? Sure. You're living here for free. I guess I owe you. Bye, Cinnamon. Be a good girl. Bye, sweetie. Bye. Yeah, bye, Leonard. Okay, and tree pose. Well, she's done. So, Mr. Cooper, you're looking for a job. A menial job. Like yours. Why, thank you for noticing. I'm menial employee of the month. Do you have a particular field in mind? I do. For thousands of years, the lowest classes of the human race have spent their lives laboring to erect monuments under the lash of their bettors, until finally they dropped down and became one with the dust through which they trudged. Do you have anything like that? No. Shouldn't you check your database? No. You didn't really type. I didn't really have to. So how about construction? Oh, that would be good. Sawing, hammering, eating out of a lunch pail as my working class fellows and I sit perched precariously on a girder high above the metropolis. No, no, this is putting up sheetrock at a housing project in Rosemead. I could do that. Good. One question. Yes? What's sheetrock? Moving on. How about doing deliveries for a florist? That seems acceptable. Do you have your own car? I don't drive. Of course you don't. Mr. Cooper, let me just ask you a question. What was your last job? Senior theoretical particle physicist at Caltech focusing on M-theory or in layman's terms, string theory. I see. Just give me a second. Security! Thanks for coming by. Sure. So how can we help? Well, I know more women are buying comics than ever but for some reason I can't get them in here. All right, well, what have you tried so far? I've been stocking more female-oriented titles. In the bathroom, I folded the end of the toilet paper into a triangle. And you are now sitting in the official breastfeeding area. Really? In a comic book store? Oh, don't worry. I've got a camera right up here so I can watch from the counter and make sure guys aren't being pervs. Anyway, so what do I gotta do to get you in the door? Well, for starters, you might want to rethink some of this artwork. I mean, this woman's actually on a leash like a dog. Well, you don't know the backstory. Maybe she kept jumping up on the couch. Have you thought about advertising directly to females? Oh, okay. Well, all right. What if I put up a sign in the window that said Women come in. Don't be afraid. Hey, have you read the online reviews for this place? Eh, the Internet's so negative, I try to avoid it. All right, well, Heather H. says, The owner stared at me the whole time and didn't blink once. Emily M. says, The creepy guy who runs it asked me out then called himself stupid before I could say no. Jessica K. says, I told the weird owner that I liked his shirt. He took it off and gave it to me. See? Negative. All right, I'm not saying it's true, but let's consider for a moment that possibly I'm the problem. Yeah, you can say it. Fine, but what can I do? I get so nervous around women. Well, you're talking to us now. You don't seem nervous. Well, that's because I'm doing that trick where you imagine the audience is naked. By the way, thumbs up, ladies. Do you not hear how creepy that sounds? It was a joke. Was it? Nah, I'm still doing it. Okay, don't be offended, but what went wrong with you? I guess I assumed at this point in my life I would be married or in a relationship or even have a pet that didn't run away or kill itself. It really happened? I mean, I can't say for sure, but I swear that rabbit looked me right in the eye before it hopped in front of that car. I'm the more desperate, I guess. Stuart, believe it or not, I understand. You know, before I met Sheldon, I was alone for a really long time. I was so desperate for people to like me. When I met these guys, it took everything in my power to hide my insecurity. Okay, we're all feeling it. Yes, I'll go out with you. Suddenly the rabbit thing makes sense. Stuart took that rejection like a pro. Well, he knew he was on the breast cam. I don't have much experience turning men down. It wasn't so much fun. Oh, you get used to it. Some guys you have to turn down over and over. And sometimes we marry them anyway. I get it. It's still my room. We haven't really made it yours. Thank you. Which is why I got you this pink Power Ranger. Put it anywhere you like. Okay, but you may feel some discomfort. I'm kidding. I want you to feel at home here. Decorate it any way that makes you happy. Do you really mean that? I really do. Great. And just so you know, I'm not getting rid of all your stuff. Yeah? What are you keeping? That candle and you. What about my robot poster? I can make do with just the candle. Hi. Open your eyes and see your new room. A little overboard. We can always dial it back. No, no, no. It's important to me that you have the bedroom you want. Oh, that means so much. I love you. I love you, too. Just hiding some stuff in your closet, don't tell Penny. I question your premise. How is a new suit going to prevent me from passing out in front of a ballroom full of people? It'll give you confidence. You know, sometimes when I'm feeling all stressed out about something, I go out and buy a cute top or a fun skirt and I have a whole new outlook on life. Don't you eventually realize you're just the same stressed out person in a cute top or a fun skirt? Yeah, that's when I buy shoes. Now let's see what we've got. Ooh, this is nice. It's only one color. Yes, so? That's a lot of money for only one color. Fine, why don't you pick out what you like? Hmm. This is pretty sharp. You're wrong. This is great. I had a suit like this when I was six. Okay, I think we have a winner. Where the hell did you find that? In the prom department. It's ridiculous. Says the former member of the Corn Queens Court. Please just try this one on. Okay, then anything I put on now is only going to suffer in comparison. This is absurd. I look like a clown. I was thinking, without Sheldon, most of us would have never met, but Penny would still have a cross from him. And with Leonard out of the picture, we all know what that would mean. We do? Hey Sheldon. Hello. Doing laundry? Of course I'm doing laundry. Saturday night is laundry night, and I'm in a laundry room, so... I believe your inference is justified. My inference is justified. Sheldon, you are so funny. Anyway, I need to do my laundry too, because these clothes are so dirty. Almost as dirty as the dirty girl who's wearing them. Okay, that's enough. Keep going. So, what do you think? A tad asymmetrical, but nothing to be concerned about. Hey Sheldon, I need you. To what? To take me. I'm not taking you anywhere until you put on a shirt. Come on Sheldon, you and me, right here. Penny, for the thousandth time, I'm saving myself for someone special. Perhaps a cute, bespectacled neuroscientist, with hair the color of mud. I think I know how to change your mind. I was okay with it. How's it going Sheldon? Actually, much better. Oh good, is the baby born yet? I don't know, I just got back. Where'd you go? My mother asked me to get some towels. I took advantage of the vague request and went to Bed Bath & Beyond. Excuse me, I'm on the phone! So rude. Here's another one. Penny, if it weren't for Sheldon, you never would have met comic book legend Stan Lee. Great. At least Leonard, Howard and I would have always been friends. Hey, how come you three never got an apartment together? We talked about it, but Howard was in a pretty serious relationship with his mom. I lived with her to save money. Yeah, you didn't have to buy groceries because you were breastfeeding. So I guess if it weren't for me, you'd still be living with her, huh? Not exactly. What do you mean, not exactly? Well, things would be a little different. How I want some steak! I know you're starving. The neighbors know you're starving. There's starving people in Africa who know you're starving! That's it? They've moved! Well, you cleaned out. I don't know what else to do! How is this any different? You didn't let me finish. Here you go, Mother. You're a good boy, Howard! Such a good boy! Wait, did she die or did you kill her? Tomato, tomato, the important thing is she's dead. Yeah, so how come you two didn't move in together? This guy wanted a place of his own because he was sure he was going to be a ladies' man. Yeah, I was wrong. But I do think you and I would have had a great time. Come on, Leonard! Dinner! Coming! Why would I be fat? You'd have no girlfriend to see you naked. You'd try to fill the void with food. And I'm an enabler who wants deep-fried a pancake. Why can't you be fat, too? What do you want to do for dessert? I think there's still half a cake from breakfast. No, there's not. Hey, guys! What are you doing? I just wanted to be in anyone's story. What?