COLLEGE IT'S A TRAP- Bill Engvall

I actually went back to college and got my degree. Yeah, only 46 years later. So if you got a kid on the five, six year plan, relax. Yeah, I just got tired of being the only person in our family didn't have a degree. And also because the first time I went to college, it did not go well. Actually, I shouldn't say that. It went great. Just not for studies. Because you got to understand something. When I was a kid, I was a parent's dream. I didn't smoke, drink. I didn't cuss. I didn't bust my curfew. They loved me. I got to college. It was like, oh, this is a whole new ballgame here. And I'll never forget this as long as I live. First semester in 75, me and my dorm mate were sitting in our beanbag chairs. And he looked at me. He said, you know, in college, they don't take roll. I said, do what? He goes, yeah, they don't even care if you go to class. I go, well, me in college is going to get along just fine. Not realizing you don't go to class, you don't learn nothing. Y'all, my first semester grade point average was 0.76. That's lower than dumb. Oh, and then I discovered women and beer and studies went right out the window. So I dropped out. Well, now fast forward. My son was getting ready to go off to college. And I thought, you know what? This would be a good learning experience for him. So I sent off for my transcripts. And they came. And one morning, we was having breakfast before he left to go off to college. And I slid that transcript across the table. I said, take a look at that, son. He goes, good God, that 0.76. I said, that's right. I said, that's what happens when you don't go to class. I said, your only job for the next four years is to go to class. Because if you'll just sit there, something will sink in. Apparently, I was wrong. Because he didn't do too well his first semester. But then he got it together. Well, now fast forward again. I'm getting ready to re-enroll in Grand Canyon University down in Arizona. And I was going to get a degree in Christian studies. And I had to retake a lot of classes because I'd done so poorly in them the first time. And one of them was a college math class. Now, I'm going to tell you a story. You may not believe this. But I graduated high school with no math at all. Yeah, I think it's illegal now. But here's what happened. In junior high, we had algebra. I loved algebra. I don't know why it sat with me so well. But I just really enjoyed it. Well, then we got to high school. And we had geometry. And I hated geometry. Because of one thing. Remember proofs? Yeah, where you had to get the answer. But then you had to show how you got the answer. And my thought was, no. I got the answer. Give me the damn credit. What do you care how I got it? What am I going to write down? Look over my buddy's shoulder? I look at it this way. If you're a plumber and I hire you to fix my broken toilet, I don't care what steps you take to fix it. Just get it flushing again. That's the way I looked at geometry. And if someone had just asked me, what's the problem? I'd have said, look, I don't understand it. I don't like it. Instead, the great state of Texas Board of Education decided that I had a learning disability. My senior year, they put me in a remedial math class. Well, that was me and six other idiots sitting in a room with these gigantic headphones on. And this pre-recorded voice would go, 2 plus 2 is 4. You're smart. Well, hell, I aced that. Well, now I re-enroll in college and I got to retake it. They assume that you've had algebra 1, 2, and 3, and 4, geometry 1, 2, and 3, trigonometry, physics. I'd had none of that. So now I'm in a class that they're wanting me to do logarithms in Excel. And I thought, I'm not going to get my damn degree because I can't pass a math class. I thought, I know what I'll do. I'll get Gail to help me. She got straight A's in college. My friends, it was at that point in my life that I realized my wife will never be a tutor. She does not have the patience for it. This would be a typical conversation between me and her. Baby, I don't understand how they got the answer to that math problem. She goes, well, how can I make it any easier? It's right there in front of you in black and white. And I go, I don't care if it's on pink paper with blue polka dots. I don't know how they got that answer. She goes, well, what do you want me to do? I go, tell me how they got the answer. She goes, well, then that'd be cheating and you haven't really learned anything because it's just me doing the math problem in it. So how do we deal with this? I said, here's how we deal with it. You're fired. And then I got a real tutor and he got me through it. But here was my question. I was getting a Christian studies major. Why does a Christian studies major even need a math class? Right? All I need to know is there was 12 apostles, 10 commandments. He spent three days in a grave. Boom, aced it. And I did the whole thing online for two reasons. One, because I was still touring. But two, I didn't want the other kids to know how old I was. But I think I might've blown that when I would ask questions like, what's TikTok? To me, it's sound a clock makes. That's all I know. Well, so what happened is the professor would email us a problem. We'd do the problem and email it back to him. One night I got this problem. It said, can you solve for X? And I wrote back, maybe. If you can solve for Y. I said, why the hell do I need to know this math? When I finally knew I was going to pass the class, I called the professor in his office. I said, I've been wanting to ask you something since I started this class. He said, what's that? I said, well, my time on this planet's up. And I go to meet St. Peter. I said, is he going to give me a math problem to do? He said, probably not. And I said, so you're telling me then that this university has a stricter admissions policy than heaven does. He didn't find that too funny. But to show you what an idiot I am. While I was still enrolled in college classes, one night Gail and I were lying in bed. And I rolled over to her. I said, well, I guess you can tell your friends that you're sleeping with a college boy now. She goes, you know what? That's gross. And that right there, my friends, is a difference between men and women. There's a lot of reasons why at my age, I would not sleep with a college girl. But I can tell you for a fact that gross ain't one of them. And the best thing about taking classes as an adult, if you fail a test, your thought is, hell, I got a job. Tell you what I should have done. Should have taken a class in cell phones and technology. God, I am so far behind the eight ball on this. I know now what my dad felt like when VCRs first came out. Wouldn't your parents do that? Just stare at it like, what's that blinking red light? That's the time. You have to set the time. I don't get it. That's me now. I'm telling you all the time. Like a buddy of mine called me. I was in this football pool. And he was ahead of it. And he said, I'm going to Venmo you your money. I said, what? What the hell's Venmo? He goes, that's how I'm going to send you your money. You might as well burn it because I have no idea how to get it. I don't understand this stuff. The only technology that I really like, and it's amazing to me, is Uber. It's insane. It's magical. I could be anywhere in the world. I can call my wife. 10 minutes later, a car picks me up and takes me to where I want to go. And the guy doesn't ask me for money. My lovely bride and I have been married for 40 years. Thank you. But let me tell you something. The reason we've been married for 40 years is because I go away. I often tell her I'm the perfect husband. I go on the road, pick up a check, come home, drop it off, leave again. But COVID hit and now we're together 24-7 and we had a little adjusting to do. I learned a lot about Gail that I didn't know. You would think after 40 years of marriage, I'd know everything there is to know about that woman. But I learned a lot. I learned that she's addicted to Bed, Bath & Beyond. And I think you ought to call it Bed, Bath & Beyond your budget. She just buys crap. One day she came in and she goes, we need to go to Bed, Bath & Beyond. I said, for what? And she goes, I need to get clothes hangers. I said, don't we get them free from the cleaners? She goes, no, I need these special kind. And you ladies will know what I'm talking about. She said, I need the kind with the velvet on them. I said, for what? She goes, so it keeps my dress from falling off. I go, that's been our problem for 40 years. My other favorite was, she goes, we need to go to Bed, Bath & Beyond. I go, now for what? And she goes, she said, I need to get guest towels. I go, for what? She goes, so when people stay with us, Bill, they have towels they can use. I said, well, here's a thought. We have a washer and dryer. And those folks don't live with us. So they don't know that our regular towels ain't our guest towels. And if they bitch about it, screw them. They can go stay at the Hilton. I said, you're just buying crap. She goes, well, you buy crap at Bass Pro Shop. I said, no, ma'am. I buy essential items at Bass Pro Shop. She goes, like what? And I said, like, I need a cooler that knows whether to keep my beer cold or my coffee hot. That's essential. She goes, you're an idiot. I go, I'll be an idiot with a cold beer. That's what I'll be. But it's just weird to see how she was acting during COVID. Because, and I swear, if I didn't know better, I think she was pregnant. Because she was nesting, I swear. I would get a cup of coffee, take two sips of it, set it down on the stool and walk three steps away. And she goes, are you done with that? Well, there's three quarters of it left. There's still steam coming off it. So I'm going to go, no, Alex. She goes, well, you know where to put it when it's done. I go, right, we throw it out in the street. She goes, no, you put it in the dishwasher and put it in the dishwasher right. I go, what do you mean right? I didn't know this, fellas. Did you know this? That there is a wrong way and a right way to load a dishwasher. See, I didn't know that. One night we had dinner and we finished dinner and I took my plate and my silverware and I walked to the dishwasher, put them in there, shut the dishwasher. Here comes Gail right behind me, opens up, starts rearranging. I said, what are you doing? She goes, you put them in there wrong. I said, what are you talking about? She goes, Bill, you can't put bowl, plate, cup, bowl, plate, plate, cup, bowl, plate. I go, why not? And she goes, they won't get clean. I said, have you ever actually been inside a dishwasher? Here's something else I didn't know, gang. Did you know that women can have a bad day and blame the whole day on their hair? I didn't know that. One day during COVID, Gail was in a pissy mood. God, she was in a pissy mood. And I said, what's wrong with you, honey? And she goes, oh, the girl that cut my hair did it all wrong. I can't get it right and it just ruined the whole damn day. I was like, wow. Fella couldn't get away with that. Fella couldn't have a bad wiener day. What? We do. Some days it looks good, doesn't it, boys? That's right. You want to slap a leash on it and walk it around the block. Then other days, maybe it was cold. You slept on it wrong. Man couldn't blame a whole damn day on it, though. It's like, Jimmy, what's wrong with you? Ah, I'm having a bad wiener day. What happened? Ah, I took a shower, fell asleep on the couch. It was still wet. I can't do nothing with it. I'm going to guarantee you right now there's somebody in this theater going, that is a bored human being right there. This is another thing I learned. My lovely wife, she has to say things out loud. That's how she gets them straight in her head. Perfectly fine if you know that's going down. But we'll be in the car, and I'm driving, and this is what I'll hear. OK, I need to go to the cleaners. I need to make a hair appointment. I need to make sure I get my nails done. I'm like, what? And she goes, I'm not talking to you. Fine, I keep driving. Then I hear, OK, do we have dog food? Oh, wait, wait, do we need to pick up those tickets? And do we need to make reservations for dinner tomorrow? And I just keep driving. And she goes, are you going to answer me? Yeah, if I knew who you were talking to. Me or your little imaginary friend down there? This was my other favorite one. The other day she came and she goes, I think you need to get your hearing tested. And I said, what? She goes, see, I was joking. She goes, no, Bill, I really think you need to get your hearing tested, because you don't hear half the stuff I say. And I remember the day I got married, my granddaddy pulled me aside, and he said, son, you want the secret to a long and happy marriage? Pick your battles. He said, if you go to war every time, you're going to lose. And I remember thinking, this is a battle. So I said, all right, I'll go get my hearing tested. So I went to the hearing doctor, gave me the test. He goes, your hearing's fine. I said, thank you very much. Went home. Gail said, how'd it go? I said, he said, my hearing's just fine. She said, well, how is it you don't hear half the stuff I say? I said, you know, it's funny you bring that up. Because he said that maybe you shouldn't wait till you're at the other end of the house before you start talking to me. Look at the women, fellas. Look at them. They know it's in their little bullet in their arsenal right there. I swear to God, Gail and I could be sitting in the same room for three hours. Not a word is said. I get up and walk to the other end of the house, and I hear this. You know, it's fine. Let's just come in. Now I got to come back in and go, what? See? You're hard of hearing. Oh, no, dogs couldn't hear what you were saying. And then she pulled this one on me. This one, this. So when I do shows, part of my responsibility is I do radio interviews. So I'll wait for the radio station. We'll call me. We'll do an interview. We'll pump up the show. And invariably, it was what happened. So I was waiting one morning for the radio station to call, and I had like three cups of coffee. And I had to pee. And I've gotten to that age, and some of you guys my age and older know this, that we're at that age that when your body says, I got to pee, it's not like, I got to pee in a couple hours. It's like, find a bathroom now. True story, y'all. True story. We were driving from Denver. You know where Little America is? OK. We were one exit away. Again, Gail had said, I need to stop at Little America because I got to pee. I said, all right, fine. We got one exit away, and I whipped off the side of the road and had to pee on the side of the road because I couldn't make it another exit. So I'm waiting for the radio station to call, and I know what's going to happen. As soon as I set my phone down and go to the bathroom, they're going to call. So I take the phone with me into the bathroom, and I'm peeing, and they call. So I can't flush the toilet because I'm in the bathroom, and they'll hear it. So I'm doing the interview and just talking. They go, hey, I'm looking forward. It's going to be the greatest shows, the last two shows in Salt Lake. It's going to be awesome. Y'all get some tickets. Come on out. We'll have New Year's Eve together. And they go, well, Bill, we're really thrilled. You're in on your tour there in Salt Lake City, and you're going to have a blast. People are going to come out. We'll get everybody out there. And Gail walks in to the bathroom, and she looks at the toilet and reaches down and flushes the toilet.