I Use the Disabled Toilet with Shame and Haste | John Hastings Full Stand-Up Special

None of us know how to test the fruit, the... Wow, I just had a stroke. Don't worry, those of you on the left side will get the full performance. You guys, it's gonna be a bit delayed. Why is it so tense, guys? It's gonna be good. I really like, I like doing stand-up comedy because it tells me what people think of me. Because I don't have, I don't have a great look. Like I look all right, but like I'm 36. I don't look 36. I don't look any age. I just look like I've been through stuff. Yeah, I'm 36 with an 18-year-old brother. Do you know what that means? It means when I turned 18, my dad looked at the situation and thought, we're gonna try this again. And if you don't believe me, let's look at our names. My brother is named Cullen, which is Gaelic for good. And my name is John, which is English for toilet. That hurts, miss, that really hurts. I was looking for one smiling, nice Utah face to stand up and go, you look great. You're not a toilet. Instead, a woman in a yellow shirt going, you've nailed it, son. I don't know if you've had the glorious experience of speaking to an 18-year-old recently, but it's not a real esteem booster. My brother called me on my birthday. No hello, no happy birthday. Just, John, have you ever had any other job besides comedian? Where's this going? I was like, yeah, I was a telemarketer for a bit. And he went, a telemarketer? What is that? Do you know how difficult that job is to explain if the other person has no context whatsoever? I had to take a second and then I just went, you know, spam emails? And then he said, yeah. And I was like, well, back in the day, someone used to call you on the phone and read that to you. I appreciate the applause, but I am here for laughs. Now listen, I was joking, but you guys are, I have never been to a town like that. Where, what, where am I? I am a Canadian who lived in Europe for six years and then I moved to Los Angeles. I was not told that Mayberry actually existed. For those of you watching this at home, this comedy show is filled in a place that comedy shouldn't happen. You guys don't need laughter. A blue jay landed on me today. What's bumming you guys out? Why do I have traffic signs? Every car, if you step onto a sidewalk and near the curb, every car stops and just goes, go ahead. I'm not in a rush. This town has three streets and I work for Google. I'm just busy laughing. Thank you. This side, obviously these are the townies over here going, I like Provo in the old days when it was just a ski lift and two gun stores. Can anyone else hear Seth still talking while I'm trying to do, am I crazy or? Acknowledge it. Thank you. I thought right there, I just got schizophrenia. What a terrible time to get schizophrenia while filming standup comedy. You just hear a voice that sounds exactly like Seth. It's exactly like the host of the show. And you're like, can you guys hear that? And the entire, no, that's just in your head. How was the second show? Jarring. I can still hear him talking. I'm on the phone, you're laughing. I just got to finish my point. It's ballerino because that's the male version of ballerina. Which no one else knows. So everyone is very, very confused when I say it. Snip, snip, back into the bits. Now listen, I am 36. It's interesting being 36. That's not old, but it's old enough that things have changed in my lifetime. Like I'm old enough to remember, you saw a fellow with a neck tattoo. You used to think, oh, I'm going to see a dead body. Now you see a fellow with a neck tattoo, all you think is, this latte is going to be awesome. Even the townie's like a good latte. Now listen, I am a millennial. It's interesting. I could tell that, you know, given the last sort of year, millennials kind of, we got, yeah. You could wipe that disdain off your face, Miss. I'm aware that we're not well-liked. I've been through being a millennial for my entire life. My mid thirties is basically just various older members of my family walking up going, your generation, ah, so wasteful with money, your generation, ah, your generation spends $25 on breakfast. And then I have to say, well, that's how much breakfast costs. And I was told by someone in your generation, it was the most important meal of the day. So take that, na-na. 36, I live in a gentrifying neighborhood. Not gentrified, gentrifying. Here's the difference. A gentrified neighborhood looks like your town with bigger buildings. A gentrifying neighborhood is basically means you'll be mugged where I live, but it will be near a vegan restaurant. By the way, if you are a vegan in here, I accept you. I do not think that you are just a rank fart monster going around, bumming out everyone at the barbecue. I understand. I tried being a vegan for 90 days. I couldn't do it. I don't have the time management skills. Has anyone here ever tried being a vegan or is a vegan? Yeah, I wasn't expecting. Really? Did you hear that tepid, confused clap in Utah? Just, I'm gonna go for it. Here's the thing that no one tells you about. The vegans are strong. They're better than all of us. That person has time management skills that would shock you. Do you know what it is to be a vegan? It means before you eat anything, you have to spend about three hours scouring every ingredient that's going into your food to make sure there's not a bit of cow in there. Because cows are in everything. They are the Samuel L. Jackson of food. They show up when you least expect it and you are quite relieved. Living in a gentrified neighborhood, it's interesting because it makes, you know, being 36, it makes me like, there's still graffiti in my neighborhood and it means danger. And that's retro, you know what I mean? Because now you see graffiti and all you think is, oh, this craft beer, it's gonna be expensive. That's the riskiest joke I have. And anywhere else, totally fine. In Utah, I felt like I was living on the edge. I love this state. Old is new, up is down. You're all, everyone said good morning to me this morning and I didn't look like I was up for a chat. It's just like, oh, I love it. I would move here, but... We'd get into too many arguments, guys. Even saying that, I got so nervous. You don't understand, I've been walking around Los Angeles for the last three weeks just filled to the brim with anxiety. I have anxiety, it's diagnosed. Why is it so quiet in here? Guys, it's okay. I have a therapist, I have a variety of pills, it's fine. And if you're nervous, well, what does anxiety actually mean? I hear all these words. What it basically means when you have anxiety is that I leave every social situation thinking, ha ha ha, messed that up a bit. Not enough to say something, but I will be thinking about that for the rest of my life. I found it very enjoyable that you all clapped and then it got more detailed and you stopped clapping and then it was just one woman going, yes. Sweetest human being. And don't worry, my anxiety was not brought forward because of trauma or anything else. It was in me from the beginning because I have something called dyspraxia. And dyspraxia means I was born without reflexes or eye-hand coordination. Now, it's a very rare disorder. It's so rare that when I said dyspraxia, you all thought, no, he's mispronouncing dyslexia. No, I can read fine. You throw a book at me and then I'm in trouble. And it's technically a disability. Dyspraxia is technically a disability. Do I get any of the benefits of being disabled? Absolutely not. I don't get a close parking spot at the shopping center. Oh, I use the disabled toilet, but I use it like all of you, with shame and haste. And I can feel some of you go, well, John, why can't you live in Utah? You seem like you'd have fun in Utah. Listen, I'm not the most traditional guy. I'm pretty untraditional. I grew up always thinking I would never have a wedding. I always thought, you know what? I'm never having a wedding. I'm never going to do it. And then my dad yelled at me. And I wasn't 15. I was 34 at the time. I said to him, I'm not going to have a wedding. And he went, what? Do you know what a wedding is? That very baby boomer way where they ask a question you know the answer to, but they say it like it's a threat and you just get confused. Well, how much are houses supposed to cost? Just die so I can have your money. That joke has an age limit, by the way. You should not be laughing at it, sir. I see that gray hair. You're on the other side, but nice try. Now, my dad just launched into this screed about marriages. Don't you know what marriage is, buddy? Marriage is a commitment. It's a commitment ceremony. You're making a commitment to your community. And if you do not have that commitment, do you know what you have, pal? You have nothing. Do you want nothing, bud? And he said it with such conviction, I almost forgot he's divorced three times. Now, this being Utah, some of you have never met someone who was divorced three times. Allow me to describe him for you. Imagine someone who's given half their stuff away three times. I will tell you, my father's divorces came in very handy in November when I got divorced. That took you too long to awe. You all just took my wife's side. How dare you? I didn't have a wedding? Nice try, sir. I did have a wedding because my dad said I will pay for it. It's always fun. I don't know, has anyone else here had the joy of borrowing money from their parents? Well, I was not expecting honesty at all. That was glorious, miss. The smile over your face, I did. I only needed five grand, I took 10. Well, for those of you who have never borrowed money from their parents, let me explain to you how it goes. You have to gather your parents together and go, hello, mother, father, you know how you were supposed to teach me financial responsibility? Well, you failed, and that comes with a hefty fine. It's the second joke of this set that I was not planning on doing. I have to tell you, for a taping, things have been a bit strange. It started off with the host speaking at a volume so loud the entire crowd could hear it, but you're all from Utah, so you were too polite to say anything until I pointed it out, and then I had to coax you for an acknowledgement, and I still don't know if you actually could hear him, or you're just humoring me. Am I actually just a mental patient in an asylum, and this is my fun day out, which is, like, that's what it feels like, and then a heckler, a Utah heckler, do you understand you're supposed to be the kind people? You're supposed to be the last good white people in America, but not you. Ellowing things like you got me, but I had a plan for you, my friend, with your high and tight haircut, arm around a woman that loves you, and you love her back. Ooh, you didn't need to say anything. You're heckling me from there. It's a clean show, and you are very lucky. I want you all to know right now that that is the coolest thing I've ever said to anyone in my entire life. Yeah, thank you. Imagine if I said that, and then the set just exploded. Jason Statham and Dwayne The Rock Johnson walked out, and they're like, that's right, we were a sketch troupe all along. Where was I? Ah, yes, being very good at comedy. Now, listen. Now, the divorce I am going through is, no, no, no, no, no, no, but that's not why I'm doing that. I've just never said divorce to a group of people, and everyone just went, ooh. It's not contagious. You can't catch it, brothers and sisters. You misgrabbed a, what just happened there? What happened behind me? Why are you laughing? What did I just do? You don't even know. Dear diary, today in Provo, Utah, people laughed both with and at me at the same time. How good was the taping of my Dry Bar special? They laughed, and I legitimately do not know why. I so look forward to when this is released, and this moment inexplicably makes the edit, and I'll be able to find out why everyone laughed. I want you to know that these pants are tighter than I expected, and this might be where I live for the rest of the set. How was the taping? Oh, well, two of them did stand-up, and one of them, well, it was mostly stand-up, and then he looked like a baseball catcher just trying to figure out what that pitcher's trying to say. All right, I'm gonna stand up now. If anything untoward presents itself, it's not my fault. What did you just yell at me? It was Seth's fault. Yes, yes, it was. It was Seth's fault. You're too good of a crowd. That is something literally a baby could do. I'm glad the cameras are rolling. You finally saw it. I, John Hastings, just beat one baby. If they edit that out of context, I am in trouble. All right, we got six minutes to get through 15 minutes worth of material. No more interruptions. Looking at you, Seth. Now, who didn't turn off their phone? And also, before we get to that, whose ringer is from 1998? You just kiss her. Is it her phone? Was it your phone? I can't tell. You're smiling in a joyous way. This is why you guys are. It was not your phone. She's taking the fall. So it was your phone. Bring it? I will bring it, sir. So I got divorced. Even without editing, that's going to look insane. You're all going to come across like, I got divorced. Despair fuels us here in Utah. Well, here's the thing that no one tells you about getting divorced. And it's like, it's just the amount of just, you just cry, just at the drop of a hat, like I never have before. And I am a straight white man who was raised in the 90s. I was never taught to cry. The women in this room, you all know how to do it. Single tear, every bad thing that's ever happened to you is told to the other person in about 45 seconds. And then you go, hmm, and then you have a pastry and you're fine. Have you seen a man around my age cry? It's awful. There's nose blowing and like, I've never seen a woman have to blow their nose mid cry. I need like eight handkerchiefs and a tarp or I'm just soaked. And I remember one time in particular, I was walking to a grocery store and something just triggered memories of my relationship. I don't know if it was a pigeon. I don't know why I picked pigeon, that'd be, what a horrible tableau of my marriage I'm painting. I saw a pigeon and I just thought, hmm, dirty and outside, just like how I was when I was married. Like that's, that's not true at all. It just triggered me and I just then, I started crying and I should have gone home. I should have gone home. Cause I'm not good. This is going to be an insult, but based on the way your face is structured, I bet you, you cry really nicely. I do not. Like when I cry, it's like, I'm trying to warn people about an explosion that I know I can't prevent. This is how brutal the cry was. I walked in to the grocery store and the security guard just nodded and started following me through the store. And I'm passing people as I'm getting my items. All of them looking at me with a face that says, what is this grocery store out of? And why do you need it so badly, sir? Finally got to the produce section. That is my favorite section of any grocery store because that is where we're all liars. I don't care how virtuous and clean your soul is. When you are at a grocery store, you're telling some fibs to yourself. None of us know how to test the fruit, the, wow, I just had a stroke. Don't worry, those of you on the left side will get the full performance. You guys, it's going to be a bit delayed. I think that was the greatest reaction to a stroke bit I've ever seen, sir. I have definitely not been your cup of tea. You've laughed twice and nodded once, but you went, I have to tell you, that is equivalent to a standing ovation in my heart. I just want to take this opportunity to apologize to the editors of this set. It's going to be a real hoot to piece this one together. I can see the YouTube comments now. Was this comedian hit in the head before the show? During, in fact. They call that the Provo kiss. Ah, well, at least I'm having fun. Now listen. So I'm in the produce section. I'm just covered in tears. Oh, you thought that bit was over? Absolutely not. The timing of it is destroyed. So the laughs thus far will be diminished. Or the laughs moving forward, just stop trying to explain the bitch on. You got it. So I'm just melting down in the grocery store. I'm not having a good time. I'm in the produce section. I like the produce section because that's where we all go to be liars. I don't know how to tell if a melon is fresh. I think I once had a dream that someone told me that if you shake a melon and it makes a clicking noise, it is not fresh. So I was shaking some melons, having a wonderful time. And I head over to the bananas. That is the only fruit that we all know how to check. You look at it and if it's green, if it's greenish yellow, give it a try. Yellow, party time. And brown, throw it away. You now just have a fruit fly welcomer in your kitchener. So I'm by the bananas and I still just. This man just walks up and he goes, my friend, you look like you need a laugh. Would you like to hear a joke? And I, yes I would lady. And then he just picked up a banana and went, this banana and me are both from Guatemala. And then he peeled the banana, ate it and walked out of the grocery store. That is the most complicated shoplifting plan I've ever heard of. All right, I'm gonna steal a banana. I need a crying man. Why don't you go for the cash register? I have a plan, don't question it. One last thing about my divorce. People do say, you got divorced. Do you regret getting married? Do you regret having a wedding? Do you regret going through all those things? No, I do not. It was a very hopeful experience. We tried something and we failed. There's nothing wrong with falling down. And I enjoyed being married. I did not enjoy having a wedding. That's a day of lies. I'm sorry. Marriage is amazing. It is a bonding between two souls. The wedding day, what? No, they say things like, that's the happiest day of your life. I don't know if any of you have ever bought dinner for your parents' friends. That's not really on my bucket list. And maybe it's just because I've had a crazy life. My wedding day, even with the divorce, is the second best day of my life. The first best day? Well, I once was on a bus and a homeless man farted so loud, it knocked over a child. Seeing my girlfriend walk up the aisle of a church will not make me that happy. Maybe if she burps and it knocks over the priest, maybe. I really enjoy performing for you guys as a crowd because in every premise, your energy goes from like, we like you, to like, where's this going? Where's this going, John? We trust you, but you've taken us on some turns. Most comedians want laughter and applause. I want one woman to cough so intensely, everyone after a year of COVID just went, what was that? Kill them. Have you guys sneezed in public recently? It's the most rebellious thing you can do. Oh, I love, achoo, what's wrong with you? I was recently near some wool. I very much appreciate being able to perform for you guys. It may not have happened and I'll tell you why. I'm an avid cyclist. I ride a bike every day. I ride a bike every day and I do not look good on a bike. I don't look like I'm doing it for exercise. I look like I got caught drinking and driving so many times. I have to ride a bike. Everyone in this room, if I saw you on a bicycle, I would think, well, they're off to a picnic. Everyone in this room sees me on a bicycle. The best thing you'll think is, oh, he's trying to earn the right to see his kids one weekend a month. Thank you. We'll fix it in editing. Don't worry, guys. And I do love riding a bike. I love what it does for the environment. I love what it does for my spirit. It also offers a fun secret by-product, which is I am moving slow enough to look in all of my neighbors' living rooms and see what stuff they have. Which is why I recently discovered there is someone in my neighborhood who has a hot tub in his living room. Now, every day, I have thought about knocking on that man's door and demanding to know how this happened. I know how, by the way, which is he was taking a tour of the apartment by the building manager. Him and his girlfriend were looking at the kitchen, the bedroom, they went into the living room. He measured the living room. He turned to his girlfriend and went, baby, this living room is big enough for us to fit a hot tub in here. And then she left. So this January, I was riding my bicycle in Los Angeles, where I live, and I was going down a hill. And as I was going down the hill, my handlebars snapped in two. Yes, I am aware. I lived it. You guys are just hearing about it secondhand, and I appreciate that you all just went, ooh. Now, a lot of things run through your head when your handlebars snap in two. Thoughts like, hmm, maybe should have worn the helmet today. And I know what a lot of you are wondering. What happened next? What do you think? I made it to my destination unscathed. No, I landed in the road hard and somehow got tangled into my bicycle. And you're going, well, couldn't you get out quickly? No, I was born without reflexes and eye-hand coordination. All I could really do is stare at the bus that was barreling down on me at what I would call bye-bye speed. And right there, I had no hope. I just went, well, this is how it ends. I don't like it, but what am I gonna do? And then a man, not a man, a hero stepped off of the sidewalk, waved the bus down. The bus stopped a foot away from my prone body. And then that hero got on the bus and the bus drove away. I love you. See you later. Good night.