I ALWAYS CRY WHEN I DRINK 😅 _ Iliza Shlesinger

The first hour of being drunk is the best hour of the night because your buzz is fresh. You're happy. You don't feel fat. You haven't cried yet. You're still somewhat of the self you were when you were sober. You still could ostensibly operate heavy machinery if an emergency were to arise, okay? You're in that buzz. You're feeling awesome. Your synapses haven't been soaked in alcohol. So you're still alert. You're feeling awesome. You walk into that bar like you own it. Kick that door open even though it's a pull-in door. You don't care. Walk in. Let's do shots, bitches. You and your awful friends line up at the bar. You're like, let's do shots. You're doing shots you have no business doing. Let's get Jägermeister, Goldschlager, Rumpelmann, Aftershock. Do you have anything else that tastes like Christmas and vomit? You start doing them. You're like, f**k it. It's my bachelorette 21st birthday wedding extravaganza. Donkey punch. I don't know what to do it. Shot, shot. What was that? Hand soap? Bubbles. I don't care. Awesome. Now you're on the dance floor. You're like, this is so good. You're feeling so good, right? You're dancing. You're all excited because your buzz has just hit. You're like, it's great. I ******* love it. You're ambitious about life. You ever plan a workout when you're drunk? When you're drunk, you're like, this is when I get in shape. This is when it starts. Going to start tomorrow. You try to drag your friends into it. You're like, Stacy. Do you want to work out? You dance like an a**hole, by the way. I don't know who dances like this. Do you want to work out like tomorrow? Do you want to do that? I'm going to get up early and work out. Do you want to go with me? Do you want to go at like six? It's five now. Do you want to take a spin class? Do you want to spin? Do you want, you don't want to spin? You don't want to go spinning? You don't want to sit on a stationary bike and tolerate getting pounded in the rectum for an hour while some twinked out spandex queen yells at you over a shitty remix of U2's It's a Beautiful Day in total darkness. You don't want to do that. So you're feeling good and you're dancing. You're like, I feel so thin. I've never been hotter in my life. I feel so good. And then it hits you. You're like, oh my God, I feel so good right now. I feel so awesome and happy. I wish I could feel this way all the time. I wish I could feel this buzz and this happy all the time. And that's when you realize that's how an alcoholic thinks. But you're like, screw it. I'm going to give it a shot. I'm going to see just how far I can push being drunk. So you decide to do shots and you decide these shots aren't going to get me because tonight's the night I outsmart the liquor. Not going to happen tonight because I'm going to drink water. I'm going to drink a glass of water with each shot. This is your brilliant idea. No one in the thousands of years of people imbibing alcohol has ever thought of this. This is your night, Einstein. It's your big plan. I'm going to do a shot and then have a glass of water and then a shot and then a glass of water. You can't buy me a shot now, but thank you. I'm just having water. I'm just having, I'm just drinking water. But thank you. Shot and water. But what you don't realize is that five shots in an hour is still five shots in an hour. You want to drink all that water like a crazy camel. Yeah, good job. Now you're bloated and you have to pee. Way to be. Because when a girl's got to pee, everything has to come to a halt. Every girl's got to go with her. I have to pee. Do you have to pee? Will you stop what you're doing and come with me? I have to pee. Do you have to pee? I have to pee. You can't go to the bathroom alone. You might not come back. Because no girl's ever been to the bathroom alone and survived. It's true. The last woman that attempted it, it was 1937. And her name was Amelia Earhart. I know a lot about dating because I watch a lot of dates. That sounds creepy. I host a dating show. So I've learned a lot about men and women and their interactions. And one important thing that I've learned is that when you like someone and you want to impress them, what do you do? You lie. You have to. Because if people knew how weird you were in your off time, no one would have you. Guy says to you, what do you like to do for fun? Girls, you can't be honest. You can't be honest about that ----. You can't be honest about what you were doing 10 minutes before you came to the door. You have to lie. What do you like to do for fun? You can't tell him. You can't be like, I really enjoy choreographing naked cheerleading routines to old Britney Spears CDs. And then I Google a bunch of hentai porn, masturbate, don't wash my hands, Facebook stalk my ex-boyfriend and his ex-girlfriends, jot down their place of employment for future reference. And then I go bake some cookies and then I mouth kiss my dog and promise her that one day she'll be my wife. You can't say that. 10 times out of 10, guy asks a girl, what do you like to do for fun? The girl's answer will be hiking. I love hiking. I do. Don't I? I do. I love hiking. I do. Hiking's... I love hiking. I do. I love it. I love hiking. No, you don't. Stop lying. You don't like... Really, Stacey? You like hiking? Where are your trail spikes? Where's your walking stick? Where's your lesbian mountain partner? You don't like hiking? You don't even know what hiking is. Most modern girls don't really know what hiking is, okay? To the average girl, hiking is, you wake up whenever you want, you put on Lululemon yoga pants because they make your butt look unreasonably good, as they should for $800 ******* dollars. And you go for a walk in the park with your best friend and complain about how hungover you are. That's hiking. Yeah, I do it too. Promise you this, girls. It's not a sport if you can drink a Starbucks and have a pita while you're doing it. Do you want a piece of pita? Hiking. Method to our madness. There's a reason women say hiking. We say hiking because we think guys like hiking. That's why we're doing it. We'll be outside where the bugs are. No, I think you like that. We're taught to believe that men are outdoorsy and rugged and they like nature. As far as we're concerned, you're the closest thing we know to a bear. So we say hiking hoping to have something in common with you. We honestly say hiking hoping that you'll be like, you like hiking? I like hiking. Marry me. It's the easiest thing you can say that you do. It's one of the only outdoor activities that you can lie and say that you do it, having never done it before, and then do it and pull it off because it's walking. You can't pull that off. You shouldn't be mating with anyone. Most outdoor activities require a decent amount of skill. For example, you can't say you like rock climbing if you've never been rock climbing. I mean, you can, but I promise you this. You're gonna go. You're gonna slip. You're gonna get your hand caught in a rock. 127 hours later, stump's not getting you a second date. I promise you that. I don't know if girls want to hear this, but the truth is 90% of the activities that women engage in revolve around getting a guy's attention, okay? And it's just the way we're built biologically. This is just something we do. We love to get your attention. It's part of the sport of it, all right? You think I go to a sports bar because I like warm beer and sticky bar stools? No, I go because there's guys there. You think I do a pub crawl every year because I like it when my liver hurts? No, I go because there's guys there. We don't wear heels for our circulation. We do it to prop up our butts so you'll look at me and want to mate with me. That's why we do it. This isn't a game, all right? This isn't a pushup bra. It's body armor. And this ain't makeup, sweetheart. It's war paint. Let's make a baby. It's a big event. I have to pee. Come on, let's go. Every girl, let's go, you girls. Come on, I have to pee. Come on, take my hand. Let's make a chain of whores. Everyone holds hands as they walk through the bathroom. For me, when I'm walking through a crowded bar, the amount of aggression I will display toward the other bar patrons is in direct correlation with how many boys I've gotten to flirt with. Meaning, if I haven't gotten to talk to any cute guys, mama's gonna be a little aggressive in her walk to the bathroom, okay? Guys, when they get drunk, sometimes punch walls. I like to mule kick other girls in the shin. It's totally fine. Every girl's done this. And you know why we do it? Because we can get away with it. You can knock into a girl and then be like, oops, I didn't mean it. Our smile is our Jedi mind trick. Just, these are not the droids you're looking for. You ever do that? You ever just check a girl into the boards because you can? You ever just been walking and just been like, I love your shoes. Takes you forever, but you finally get through that jungle of people. You get to the bathroom. For those of you that haven't been in a women's restroom late night, a women's restroom late night looks like a scene out of apocalypse now. There's gunfire, explosions, blood everywhere, children, a lot of Vietnamese men, which I never quite understood. Like why they'd be there. You're with your buddies, just trying to get through everything. You go pee, you get to the sink, and then your night comes to a screeching halt. Because for the first time in like four hours, you get a look at yourself in the mirror. And you see the swamp witch that you've become. 10 minutes ago, you thought you looked like Heidi Klum. Turns out you look like Seal. It hits you like a ton of bricks out of nowhere. And you don't know it's coming. You're sitting there talking to your friends. You're like, this is awesome. I'm gonna be young forever. This is great. Once a great beauty. What is this? You go to touch it, it disappears. It's a hologram, weird. One eyeball has migrated here. You look down, you're just leaking vodka. Now you don't want to hook up with anyone. Now all you want to do is eat. I'm a red blooded American girl. Absolutely, when I get drunk, I would rather eat than hook up with you. I'm sorry. Give you a handjob or go get fries. Both are salty. One will give me carpal tunnel. I'll go with the fries. Popular misconception about girls is that we don't like to eat. Girls love to eat. Yeah. We just don't like to eat in front of a guy that we like. That's the difference. When you first meet a guy that you like, you can't eat the way you want to on a date. You can't. You can't have that fourth plate of ribs on a date.