How to Be Confident in Yourself At Any Age (as a 40-something)

What if I told you that the most confident people didn't start out that way? They were terrified, unsure, and full of doubt, but they moved forward anyway. And that confidence, it came after they took the leap, not before. Hey friends, this is Tans. Welcome to my channel. If you're new here, I talk about all things related to motivation, self-improvement, and productivity. Today, we are taking a deep dive into the science behind confidence, what it means to be truly confident, and some proven strategies you can use to feel confident even when you don't feel like it on the inside. And I want to make something clear. Confidence is not a personality trait. It's not just who you are. Rather, it is a side effect of action, of resilience, and of how you speak to yourself when no one else is listening. Part one, confidence is not a trait. We tend to look at confident people and we think, oh, they were just born that way. No, they weren't. No one comes out of the womb knowing how to lead a room, how to launch their dreams, or how to speak their truth. That's learned behavior, and it usually starts with failure and not with success. Think of confidence like fire. You don't get warm just by thinking about it. You have to strike the match over and over again until it lights, even if your hands are shaking. You see, confidence is a feedback loop. You take a risk, you survive, your brain records this as a win, and you're more confident the next time. And the biggest myth of all is, if I feel more confident, I will do more. It's actually quite the opposite. You do more and then the confidence shows up. I wasn't actually feeling my best today. I have a scratchy throat, I have low energy, I'm feeling under the weather, and I just wanted to curl up and rest. But then I reminded myself that confidence is not about perfection. It's just about showing up. So here I am, a little tired, a little hoarse, but fully present. Because sometimes the best thing you can do is to show up, to train the confidence muscle, and to keep going anyway. That's why the people we admire the most who seem naturally confident aren't actually fearless. They've just gotten used to showing up scared and doing it anyway. Part two, Sarah's story. Let me tell you a story about Sarah Robb O'Hagan's journey. Her story is not just a corporate comeback, but it's a blueprint for everyday confidence. At age 27, she was fired from Virgin Atlantic. She was devastated and embarrassed. She then picked herself up and got a new job at Atari, and she was fired again. This wasn't just a career failure, it was an identity crisis. And you know what? She could have shrunk, she could have played it safe forever, but instead she started asking herself a brutally honest question. What if I stopped trying to fit in and started showing up as myself? So she started sharing wild and bold ideas. Some flopped and some were mocked, but some ideas, they changed brands forever. Her bold marketing campaigns transformed some of the biggest brands from Gatorade to Nike because she was acting from real and not rehearsed confidence. Sarah said that getting fired was the best thing that ever happened to her. It stripped away the illusion and made her bet on her own voice. Confidence isn't built when the world validates you, it's when you show up again and again and again before the world does. Part three, the science of real confidence. So let's talk about the science because confidence isn't magic, it's really biology and wiring. When you face a fear, let's say speaking up during a meeting, your amygdala, which is the brain's fear center, lights up and it screams, this is risky, don't do it. But if you do it anyway and you survive, your prefrontal cortex, which is the rational part of your brain, sends a message. It says, hey, that wasn't so bad, we handled it. And that experience gets stored and the next time the alarm bells ring a little bit quieter. This is called desensitization and this is how neuroplasticity works. Neuroplasticity means your brain is moldable, it can adapt, change and rewire based on repeated behavior. And that's why your confidence grows the more you stretch yourself. You learn through experience and evidence and not just positive thinking alone. And another important layer to this is your body language. Amy Cuddy's research shows that power posing, which is standing tall, shoulders back, even smiling, can change your hormone levels by increasing your testosterone, which is your dominance hormone, and decreasing your cortisol, which is your stress hormone. So yes, your body can lead your brain into confidence. It's not fake, it's a biological trigger. Part four, what confidence really looks like. Now let's debunk the Hollywood version of confidence. It's not a person walking into a room, owning it, and commanding attention. Real confidence often looks a little different. It's saying I need help instead of pretending to know everything. It's admitting I'm scared and moving forward anyway. It's choosing silence when your ego just wants to be heard. Take the example of Maya Angelou, a literary legend. She's inspired millions and yet she admits to feeling like a fraud even after publishing 11 books. She said, every time I write another book, I think, uh oh, they're gonna find me out now. That's imposter syndrome, the belief that you're not as confident as others think you are. And even though she felt like that, instead of waiting to feel confident, she kept writing anyway. And as a kid, I was bullied in school for looking different, for having an accent, for being into science, and imposter syndrome is something I've struggled with for most of my life. Even as an adult, I was often the only woman in a room full of men and even now I'm the youngest person on my team at work. As a result, I often felt like I had to keep proving myself that I wasn't worthy or I wasn't ready to speak up until I realized the secret to real confidence. Confidence isn't about feeling ready, it's about deciding to move forward even when you don't. And often the most confident people are the quietest ones in the room because they don't need to prove anything. They've made peace with who they are. And if you are an older YouTuber like me, then showing up on camera can be really hard. And the little voices in our head, the wrinkles, the lights, what do I look like, what are people going to think, it's all real. But here's the truth, your voice is needed now more than ever. Your confidence doesn't have to be loud or perfect, it just has to be present. You don't need flawless skin or hair or the latest gear, you just need your story, your perspective and your courage to press record even on the hard days. And remember, every time you show up, you're not just building a channel, you're not just building connections, you're actually building your confidence muscles. So if today feels tough, take a break, remind yourself why you started in the first place and keep going. Part three, realistic confidence habits. So how do we build these confidence muscles? How do we continue to show up even when we don't feel like it? The three tips I'm going to share aren't tricks, they're science fact and life tested tools. Number one, the micro bravery habit. Confidence isn't built in leaps, it's built in small steps. So instead of aiming to completely change your life, just aim to do one brave thing today. Something that pushes you out of your comfort zone. Speak up even if your voice trembles, reach out to someone you admire, hit post on something you care about. You see these small wins trigger dopamine, the motivation chemical and repeated exposure weakens fear responses in the amygdala. So you don't need to feel ready, you just need to go for it. Number two, the self-evidence journal. Every night ask yourself these questions. What did I do today that made me proud even a little? What fear did I face today and survive? What story am I rewriting about myself? Psychologically your brain has something called a negative bias. It tends to remember failure more vividly than success. So unless you track your wins, even your small ones, you'll forget them. This isn't about ego, it's about self-trust and it's the act of showing your brain, I have done hard things before, I can do it again. Number three, identity-based affirmations. Forget empty affirmations like I am confident, you need affirmations rooted in identity and evidence. Try saying I am someone who follows through even when it's hard. I do uncomfortable things on purpose. My fear is not a red light, it's a green light. You see your brain resists statements it doesn't believe. But when you affirm actions over outcomes you create cognitive alignment and this is how you shift from wanting confidence to embodying it. You don't need more motivation, you don't need a new personality that's loud and in your face and out there. What you need instead is to prove to yourself again and again that you can do hard things. Confidence isn't loud, it's not fearless, it's quiet, it's consistent, and it's earned. Here's the thing, as a 40 something YouTuber I've learned that confidence isn't a magical trait. It's built one decision, one action, one belief at a time. Your brain is still changing every day even now. That's neuroplasticity my friend and it's never too late to rewrite the story you tell yourself. If you're ready to build real grounded quiet confidence and not the fake until you make it loud confidence then hit that subscribe button because around here we don't see you in the next one.