Why Relaxing Feels Impossible—And What Actually Works

So this week I was preparing for a really hard conversation. You know, the kind that I'm talking about, where you're playing the whole thing out in your head, like it's a courtroom drama. You're stress rehearsing every line and you're trying to win some imaginary fight. It is so silly and it is so exhausting, but thankfully a wise inner voice cut through the noise and brought me back to reality. And this is what she said. The goal isn't to win. It's to stay regulated. The best outcomes in my life, the ones that I am the most proud of, they didn't come from being right. They came from staying grounded enough not to burn my own house down just to make a point. That's why regulation is the real win. It means that you don't have to abandon yourself just to prove yourself. And that feels so much better. So let's talk about how to actually do that. But first, if you're new here, hello, I'm Chris Carr. I'm a New York Times bestselling author, wellness coach, stage four, cancer thriver and therapeutic writing teacher. And I'm here to help you reconnect to your wisdom and restore your wellbeing. And if you hear some doggy noises, it's because my pup is underneath my desk because he helps me co-regulate. So, all right, let's get back to it because here's what most of us underestimate. Anyone can armor up, but staying regulated takes a different kind of strength. It's like noticing the adrenaline spike before it hijacks you. You feel the heat rise in your chest. And instead of disappearing into old habits or reacting or biting the hook or whatever you want to call it, you stay present long enough to respond in a way that feels connected to yourself. So that means that you don't slip into people pleasing to just keep the peace. You don't shut down mid sentence because conflict scares you. You don't bulldoze the moment just to get it over with. And you don't reach for your phone or other numbing agents just to feel better, right? You breathe, you slow down and you let your nervous system catch up so that you get to choose what happens next. That's what not abandoning yourself actually looks like. You walk away proud of how you showed up instead of being powered by survival mode, you're powered by choice. And the kind of choice that we're talking about actually strengthens your relationships. It strengthens your career and it strengthens your nervous system. But to make choices like that, you need to know what regulation really means. So let's break it down. Being regulated means that your system can feel a surge of activation and then guide itself back into a more balanced state. It doesn't mean that you never get triggered or irritated because you are human. You are not a house plant. Okay? So instead what happens is, is you feel the swell of energy and then you're able to intentionally choose your next move. You can think of it like you're shifting gears on purpose instead of getting just stuck in one of them. And of course, the more you practice this skill because that is what it is. It's a skill. The stronger it gets. So how do you know when you're dysregulated? Well, here are some examples. You feel tired, but wired. You snap at the people that you love or you vanish into your own little cave. Your brain is stuck buffering while your to-do list is screaming at you. Or maybe the stuff that normally wouldn't bother you suddenly feels like a five alarm fire. And trust me, I've been there and I will be there again. Just last week I got a calendar reminder, literally just a reminder about a dentist appointment that's in like three weeks from now. But I was in this hypervigilant mood and all of a sudden my body instantly responded like it was happening in the next 30 seconds. And I totally freaked out. That's what dysregulation does. It doesn't check the calendar. It doesn't check reality. It just reacts. Now, regulation on the other hand reminds your body that everything is fine. It's like, Hey love, whoa, whoa, whoa. We're okay. We're totally safe right now. You're cool. And when you slip into those classic survival modes, fight, flight, freeze, fawn, you're better able to come back. And this is where understanding your nervous system becomes a game changer because once you know how it works, everything else starts to make sense. So your nervous system runs on two main settings, sympathetic, the accelerator. This is your body's go gear, right? Your heart races, your breath gets faster, your muscles brace themselves. You are ready. You are built for action. Okay. And you're parasympathetic. This is the break, the rest and digest mode where you repair, where you reset and where you feel like yourself again. But here's the part that matters the most. A healthy nervous system is flexible. One is not better than the other, right? It doesn't live in just one gear. It moves between them. It allows you to shift when your life shifts. So with all of this in mind, let's explore six practical tools to help you regulate. Number one, lengthen your exhale. So long exhales tell your brain we're okay. You can inhale for four counts and then exhale for six or more. And just do this anytime you feel triggered. Number two, use steady pressure. So you literally pressed your hands onto a desk or a countertop or anything that feels steady and just hold for a few breaths and really feel the contact. So this tool may seem weird, but when you press your hands or your feet onto a surface, that pressure actually helps turn your stress response down. It's why a weighted blanket can calm people down or why babies settle. When you place a hand on their back, your system reads this kind of pressure as support. Number three, and this is always a good one. Move your body. Even just for like 10 seconds, you can shake out your arms or stretch or sway from side to side. And what you always want to remember is that movement metabolizes stress better than overthinking ever will. Number four, look around the room, literally turn your head and just take the space in because your brain relaxes. When it sees that actually sees and understands, Oh wait, this is a real environment. I am safe. I am not in the scary movie of my mind. I am here now. Okay. There's no threats around me. This is just all my imagination. So literally stop yourself and look around the room. Number five, fuel your brain. Now I know this might seem very basic, but hangry thirsty brains don't regulate hydration and good fuel just create fewer meltdowns. So of course, don't forget to feed and water yourself. And number six, write your way back to center. So studies show that even just a few minutes of structured writing can help calm the stress response and help your brain shift out of survival mode and into a more regulated state. So let's make that really easy for you. I'm going to give you two writing prompts. They're very simple and you're going to start by answering two questions. Number one is what's overwhelming me lately. And you're just going to free write your answer. And number two, what actually helps me regulate when I feel that way. So your nervous system is always leaving you clues and writing can really help you connect the dots. And if you want to go further, if you want more writing prompts and some guided coaching for me, I created a free tool called unstuck and unstoppable is a five minute coaching session with guided journaling to help you move past fear and into the next chapter of your life. So just click the link below and it's all yours. So my friends, what if your only job this week is to stay regulated. That's it to breathe. When that email pings, to take a walk instead of taking the bait to pick one practice that we talked about in this coaching session and just take it out for a spin. So give it a try. I hope this video helped you in some way and don't forget to grab your free coaching with me below. I will see you next time. Hey, quit it. I'm making a YouTube video. Hey, regulate your nervous system.