The Art of Jewish Parenting | Raphael Genis

My name is Rafael Yanez. Thank you for coming tonight. Before we start, I would like to know, there are no parents here, right? Nobody yet. One, two. Who wants to be a parent in the future? Only one, two. OK. So I know that, I guess, you all heard about Jewish, that they are successful. You all heard about Jewish, everything they achieve. That's the what. But how many of you heard about Jewish, why? What's behind their success? That's what I basically want to give you tonight, to make you understand why Jewish are so successful. So tonight, we are going to speak about the art of Jewish education. The art. Why art? We speak about football player. We speak about doctor. We speak about a painter. There are all kinds of art. And Jewish, the same. Education, parenting, is also a kind of art that you have to master. Why Jewish? Because we speak about Nouveau art. We speak about Baroque. We speak about pop. There are all different styles. And Jewish is also kind of parenting style. A few years ago, I read a very interesting book called Life is a Lunar Park. This book introduced me to a very interesting concept. This concept is a game that I use in the seminars that I'm speaking with Chinese parents. It takes much more than one, two minutes. But basically, I'm playing it with the Chinese parents. And actually, what I'm giving them is 10 options to choose from. And this option is everything what a student want to have in his life. But at the end, they can only choose three. Different people choose different things. Work, love, sense of humor, et cetera, et cetera. According to your age, according to your cultural background, to your gender, you will choose different things. But there's an interesting thing. With the people I speak with, about 80%, and actually in China, it's more, about 100% of the people, there's one thing that they are not willing to give up. Having children. And that's interesting. But the more interesting thing is, while they are confident to choose children, not to give up on, they are not as confident to answer the next question. Why having children? And thanks God, my dad is a doctor. And not only a doctor, he's the only doctor that brings happiness to people. And just as luckily as though, that he's the one that I was looking to answer this question. And basically, he's a gynecologist, by the way. I came to him and asked, why Jewish want to have, sorry, excuse me. Why we want to have children? And my dad told me, because it's a biological need, we want to have children, because reproduction to survive. So I know this, everything basically what we want. But more, what's more? So two weeks ago, I spoke with my Chinese friend. She's a bit younger than me. She does not have children. And I asked her, you have this game, you have 10 options. What are you going to choose? You can eliminate one by one and keep three to the end. What would you like to choose? And she was very sure. No, I don't need to eliminate them one by one. I can tell you straight away. I want to have money, work and children. Very confident. But then when I asked her, okay, why do you want to have children? She looked at me like, what the hell? And of course, I must have children. And that's interesting. Because when I heard this, I asked her, must, why? And then she didn't know what to answer. And then after a few seconds of thinking, it came out. Because if I don't have a child, I'm not a perfect woman. And now you can understand what Chinese society thinks about feminism and about children. But actually, I quite respect this girl, my friend, because she says what she thinks. And there are other people who think and say different things. That's another parent that I was speaking to. And I asked another question. What do you want for your child? What did they say? I want my child to be happy, to be healthy. And then I asked, and if your child would be a waiter in a coffee store? No, no, no, no, no, no. I asked, why not? Because that's not a career. I want my child to have a career. But what they're actually telling you is not this. What they're actually telling you, I give birth to my child because it's my business card. And my business card, I need to show off outside. And if my child would be a waiter in a coffee store, then I will not have face, right? And then the other parents, which I guess you are hearing often saying, oh, my child is so good. He's so similar as I was when I was younger. He plays the piano, he's talented, he sings, he does business, et cetera, et cetera. But what they're actually telling you, I'm so proud of my child, not because we is, because he can continue my legacy, to live the life that I wanted but could not live. And that's everything nice, but I was looking more. How come that all the people choose that they want to have children, but they still, they don't give you the exact answer? So I went to my best friend, which I think is also your best friend, Google, and I Googled it. I wrote family with children. And what it showed? Family, parents with children, all happy, smiling. But if you see on the keyword, I never wrote smile, happiness. And that made me think, how come that all the parents with their children, family, are all happy? Interesting, right? Is it really like this, that parents that have children one, two years old that are crying at night, or children with 12, 14 years old that are naughty, that are not listening to them, are they really happier than they were before having children? I'm not sure. Why do Jewish want to have children? That's a good question. We will answer it later. But before this, I think what we need to answer is what is parenting? What is a parent all about? Parent, is it a verb or a noun? We know that parents want to raise a healthy, happy child. But before it, they need to insert emotional being in their child to possess this. The first thing they need to do is security. When I say security, it's not physical. It's emotional. It's spiritual. It's mental security. Let the child know that you accept him as he is, for whatever he is, without any precondition. I saw a very interesting TED, very inspiring speech by Andrew Solomon, Love No Matter What. In this, he says that a child, when he develops his horizontal identity, he needs three things, self-acceptancy, family-acceptancy, and social-acceptancy. And I say, before a child can self-accept himself, he needs someone else to accept himself. And this someone else is not just someone. It's the most important person in his life, his parents. Bitachon, that's a verb, a word in Hebrew. Hebrew is the official language of Israel, which to a certain extent, might be also the official language of the Jewish. Why I'm telling you this? Because bitachon means security. But what else? It also means confidence. And that's the thing. Not like English or Chinese, in Hebrew, security and confidence are the same word, interlinked. What does it tell us? It tells us that in the Jewish mindset, people believe that if you don't give the child security from the outside, he will never be able to develop confidence from the inside, as simple as it is. The second thing the child needs is love. You're all aware there is traditional and modern Chinese. What's the difference? I think that you can look in the character and see the difference between the expression of Chinese of love and Jewish of love. Why? Chinese use modern expression of love. As you see in the character, there is no heart in it. It lacks the heart in it, and so the expression lacks the feeling, the emotion. In China, it's everything about how much money you spend for your child. It's about which courses, which school you send them, about prices, reward, but not what the child really wants and needs. For the Jewish, it's not so much about money as it is about the time you spend, about what you read, how you educate, how you communicate, how you speak, how you play with your child. Many times when I speak with Chinese parents, I feel that they are very angry, very frustrated, and they say, I give to my child everything. I give him the best school, the best courses, the best teachers, but still he does not appreciate it, and I listen and listen and listen, and then when it's finished, I say, but did you ask him what he wants? Does he really want this? Did you even ask him if he wants to come to this world, or it was your own selfish decision? And then they look at me like I'm an alien speaking Arabic or any other language they don't understand, like, but yeah, that's the truth. In China, a child is an investment. Young are fang lao, you know this. You give for a child when he's young in order to accept, to give you back when you are old. You invest because you expect a return. In China, it is like this. You give for your child so when you get older, he can accompany you, he can stay next to you, you will not be lonely, you will feel secure. But Jewish, Jewish is more than this. It's about responsibility from two parts. From the collective part to transfer your child, the Jewish legacy, the history, the stories, the values, the morals, the ethics. And for the personal aspects, it's about the knowledge, the experience. Because we as Jewish believe that this is the only way you can really contribute to the next generation, to make your child's life and the world around us better and happier. Our starting point as Jewish is that each child has his wings. He can fly, he has a talent and gift. But neither the child nor the parent know what it is. So you cannot decide, choose for your parent, for your child. What you can do is guide him, help him to find out, to discover who he is and what he should do. People believe that each child can self-fulfill himself. Jewish believe each child must self-fulfill himself. Because only if you self-fulfill yourself, then you can really find true happiness. A child will only open his wings and try to fly once he feel safe in the nest. Every child, when he comes to this world, has the wings. He's full with passion, with curiosity, to discover, to explore. But unfortunately, not every child will be able to open his wings. Because before you are able to physically open your wings and fly, you need to have the mental confidence to do this. And that's where the parents come to the game. It's up to the parents to inject this mental confidence into the child. Now you understand how important the parents are. You know, in China, many times, I feel that the parents care more about the outcome than the process. It's rather about answering questions, not asking questions. It's about learning, not about trying. And that's good and nice, and there's nothing wrong about this. But then the parents should not be surprised when at the age of 18, 19, 20, they send their child abroad. And after one, two years, they just come back because they could not make it. Because they could not survive, adopt. It's as easy as it sounds. When you are young, you have your wings. You need to try, to fly, to fall, to make mistakes. So you will know how to use them when you get older. Because when you are young, the mistakes are your experience. And the more experience you have, the more mistakes you do, the more professional you become. What do you want for your child? A Chinese parent and a Jewish parent does not want the same thing. A Chinese parent, as the image shows, wants the child to be happy. But then I ask, so why do you give your child so much stress about school? Because if he will study good, he will get good grades, get a good job, and then get a good paycheck. So success is the origin, the source of happiness. But for us Jewish, for us Jewish, it's rather about developing a child that is be and become. Be, it's about self-fulfilling yourself, being happy with what you do, and then, only then you can contribute and help others. And become, become, it's about a child that never stop learning, never stop growing, never stop changing. Be and become what? A mensch. A mensch is a word from Yiddish, old language spoken by the Jewish abroad. It means a man, a human being. Because we Jewish believe that being a person of values is more important than being a person of success. Because values remain, success disappears. And at the end of the day, values are the pillars upon which happiness and success can be built. And only then, if we have values like compassion, like kindness, like sharing, developing this gratitude, emotional well-being, this warmth inside our heart, this safety, this love, this security, only then the child can open his wings, develop his self-identity and self-fulfillment himself. And that is where happiness can be found. I see many people outside, they look for status. They buy luxury flats, luxury cars, designer goods. They go miles away to look for happiness. But I tell you, happiness is just next to you, just here. Aristo said, knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom. I say, looking inside is the beginning of all happiness. People think, believe, that success bring happiness. Jewish believe that happiness bring success. Let's find it together. Thank you.