Steve Martin _ How I Pick Up Girls _ The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour

Okay, we're having a good time now. Isn't that... Isn't that happy? When you're with me, it's like being at Shakey's Pizza all the time. Everybody sing along. I just like to keep the humor rolling. Oh, gosh, my shoelace is untied. I love playing jokes on myself. Well, here's something you don't often see. Okay, I'm... I'm sure a lot of you people are wondering if... If Steve Martin is my real name. Whether I've changed it for show business or anything like that. I'm not ashamed to admit it. I have changed my name. And there's a reason for that. My real name is... See, my parents had a sense of humor. And my sister's name is... My mother would go out to college for dinner and she'd go... That's why we got kicked out of the neighborhood. See, a lot of parents forget that kids grow up and they give them kid names. You know, it's like, Oh, Pudding Head. Come on over here, Pudding Head. How old are you now? I'm 42. Professor Pudding Head. You know, I'll tell you something. Names are so important. If you have some money and you want to put it in a bank, you're going to put it in a place with a big name. You know, like Security First Trust and Federal Reserve. And you're going to pass on the places like... Fred's Bank. Hi, come on in. I'm Fred. Give me your money. I'll put it right here. I got it for you. Fifteen hundred? Shake on it, pal. I'll give it back. There's a... I got a great dirty trick you can play on a three-year-old kid. See, kids learn how to talk from listening to their parents. You know, they hang around and finally they get it. And they go, Mama. Oh, congratulations. So what you do, if you have a three-year-old kid and you want to play a dirty trick on him, whenever you're around him, you talk wrong. And now it's like his first day in school, you know, and he raises his hand. May I mumble dog face to the banana patch? Give that kid a special test. Okay, got you turned around. Excuse me. I have this water out here just in case. You know how it is when you go to a party or something and you don't have a drink in your hand and you feel kind of awkward. You just feel like the wife of Bozo and your hands are this big and you're trying to figure out what to do with them and you're going, Oh, well, how's it... What's been happening? But as soon as you get a drink, you know, it's like, Thank you. See, and I meet girls this way. By looking cool. You know what I mean? It's like the important thing is a great opening line. First, first you spot the girl. Just bought me a new car. Pretty excited about it too. It's a prestige car. 65 Greyhound bus. Put a lot of money into that baby too, you know. Put a new dog on the side. You can get up to 30 tons of luggage in one of those. Yeah, but I make my money in the stock market. I don't know if you know anything about the stock market or not, but if you do, you'll appreciate this. I bought cardboard when it was 14 cents a ton. And it's up to 16 cents now. Well, let's see. I bought three tons of it. Well, you figure it out. When I bought it, I made a special deal where I only have to keep two tons of it at my house. So listen, you wanna come over to my place? Well, look, just in case hell does freeze over, where can I reach you?