I’m Not Saying Marriage is Bad. I’m Saying It’s Horrible | John Joseph Stand-Up - FULL SPECIAL

Welcome to my favorite club, uh, Dry Bar Comedy. This is, um, it's great being in Provo, Utah. What a beautiful town you guys have here. I drove here in a rented car, had less than 100 miles on it. Brand new car. Cost me 46 bucks for the day. 46 dollars. For 11 dollars extra, you can total it. You can't get a drink in some bars for 11 dollars. But you pay 11 dollars insurance on a brand new rented car. You can leave that car on a railroad track. Sit across the street with a couple of pals. Watch a train smash through that car. Call a 1-800 number and someone will bring you another new car. I'm on my fourth car. I'm having the time of my life. I love the demographics here. We have young people, we have old people. I'm the old people, you're the young people. I have daughters your age. It makes me nervous. Because you can't look at girls the same way. When you have daughters in their 20s and their 30s, you look at girls like this, you can't look at them like a guy looks at a girl. I'm looking at her right now, I'm going, does she have money for Uber? Does she have a coat that's going to keep her warm at night? Does her mother know she's here? Does she have to go on those dating sites? I don't want to die alone dot com. I worry about you for no reason except that I have daughters. You've ruined my life. Get out. Oh no, don't get out. Poor baby, make me drive you home in my rent-a-car. To your house. What is your name? Carly? Are you sure? How old are you, 22? 19. The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round. She's so cute. I'm Carly, I'm 19. So funny, that man with the big nose. Remind me of my daughter when she was 16. My younger daughter when she was 16, that was a big time for me. She turned 16, she officially changed my name from John Joseph to whatever. She didn't have one shirt that covered her belly. Every shirt stops here, they're like neck bandanas. But daddy's the idiot when he says, Emily, don't you have any shirts to cover your belly? You are so stupid. These are the clothes we wear. In those days, I used to have the flip phone. You remember the flip phone? I love that phone. The nine didn't even work. I had that phone so long, the nine was just broke. It didn't work. So if there was an emergency, I had to dial 411. Hello, information? Call 911, I'm on fire. My kid had the iPhone 7WS to the third power. You press a button, another boyfriend came out. She called it an app. And she would never call me, she would text me. She could text me 30 times in 10 seconds. She would make one call at the end. Daddy, why don't you text me back? I'm just trying to find the L, okay? I'm not 19. She's 19. She could jump off the stage, lean on her head and go play volleyball. Nothing would hurt, there would be no bruises. Look at me, look at me. I hurt myself sleeping. Do you understand what I'm saying? Literally woke up 3am, middle of the night with the worst cramp in the world. I had a cramp, I had to get out of bed, I was walking like this. And then all of a sudden my wife wakes up because it's 3 in the morning. What are you doing awake? It's 3 in the morning, I can't. She doesn't really talk like that, but I've been married a long time. She doesn't use words anymore, just high-pitched sounds. I've changed so many batteries in the smoke alarm until I realized it was her voice. So I have to force myself to sleep through the pain so I don't have to hear that sound anymore. There were other husbands outside walking their dogs. She's 19 years old. She looks in the mirror to see how pretty she is, makes sure her eyeliner matches her purse and it matches this and it matches that. Look at me, look at me. I look in the mirror to see what new stuff just grew on my body. The older you get, the more your body becomes a farm for foreign growth. You spend more time looking in the mirror after you're 50 than you ever did when you're 19. I can't even walk past the elevator in the hotel I'm staying in without, what the heck is this? I have to brace myself before I sneeze. Do you have any idea what I did to my neck the last time I sneezed? I couldn't turn my head for two weeks. Now I feel a sneeze coming on, I have to get into a defensive sneeze position. Okay, spread your legs, loosen, get the knees loose, loose, loose. Okay, look straight ahead, don't turn. Then it's like you're in a car accident. All right, I got my fingers, I got my feet, I can move on till the next sneeze. I want to show you something here, because there will be signs. You're not always going to be 19. I mean, look around you. Some of these people were 19, and then things change, and there's signs that they're changing. One day you'll walk down the stairs in your house, you'll stop in the middle and go, was I going up or down? One day this will happen to you. I just bought these glasses. Do you know why I bought these glasses? To find these glasses. You know what's important when you get older? Not intimacy, peeing. Very important. You could live in a little tiny one-bedroom apartment, five o'clock in the morning, one of you gets out of bed, what's the other one say? Where are you going? Going to Radio City, auditioning for the Rockettes. I'm going to pee. Well hurry up, because now I have to pee. Why did you say it? Because you just asked me, but don't use the word pee. You know it makes me pee. 30 seconds later, are you still in there? Nope, I'm in Bermuda. I don't know how I got here. Some kind of time travel. And my wife has the smallest kidney on the face of the earth. I can't drive anywhere. Stop the car, I have to pee. We're in the driveway. What's the difference? Why are you crying? Do I make you sad? Look at how she's hanging on to you. No one's gonna take them. What's your name? Jordan? Of course it is, why wouldn't it be? How old are you Jordan? You have to think. 20, carried a one. Is this, what are you his manager? Let the kid talk. Are you guys married? Oh, no wonder she's talking. You won't be doing any more of that. We think we rule the world, but when we get married, we know better. The queen rules everything. A wife can make a husband do anything. She doesn't use logic. She don't use reason. She uses a sound only husbands and dolphins can hear. Honey, go get milk and bread. Okay, right after the game. And the longer you marry, the more they use that sound. I'm getting my nails done, but I thought, here's the money, I'll drive you. When she's gone for three hours of the hair salon, when she comes back, you better know exactly what she did to her hair. If you don't, stab yourself in the eye with a pen. I didn't like my hair. Hey, you got a cut. It's highlighting. I thought that was a marker. Now look, I don't want you people to misunderstand me. Obviously there's a lot of happily married people here. I'm not saying marriage is bad. I'm saying it's horrible because I don't care how in love two people are. No one on this planet can tell me after living with one person 20, 30 years, that the guy doesn't wake up one morning, look across the breakfast table and say, oh my, it's you again. This is, it's like groundhog day. And there's no way she's not looking at you going, great monkey boy. Pick up your pants baboon butt. Do I have to look at that for breakfast? And grocery shopping. You go grocery shopping for your wife? She does. There's a reason for that. Big reason. My wife sends me grocery shopping. It's like sending a seven-year-old for wallpaper. Husbands walk around the store like they're lost. There's a lot of breads. There's round, there's oval. What do you mean there's balloons on the wrapper? They have bread with balloons under. Excuse me, do you work here? Could you talk to my wife? The only thing dumber than sending your husband is taking him with you because women are nesters. They know where everything is. They have a GPS. They walk five feet in front of their husband. They have the list, the coupon, the pen. They know what they're doing. The man has one job. Push the cart. Don't talk. We grab the first cart. The wheels broke. Sounds just like your wife. There's men in front of the grocery store walking their dogs. Not allowed to touch the stuff on the shelves. Oh, one time I'm trying to get the tissues. I'm tall. My wife is short. I'm trying to help her. No, no, no, not those tissues. What's wrong? They don't match the towels. Watch my purse. You look at another husband with his wife, you give him that look. Any questions? You ever sit next to somebody who speaks a different language and you think if you use the accent, they'll understand you? I was on a flight to Paris. This young girl, Carly's age, sitting in the window seat. I'm in the aisle seat. I didn't know she couldn't speak English. Halfway across the Atlantic, she's shivering. So I was going to give her my blanket. I said, would you like to use my blanket? She just looked at me. So I said, excuse me, would you like to use my blanket? And that's when she pressed the button and they moved my seat. But I have to tell you, I was only trying to help her. I'm really good with accents. I've been all around the world. Let me tell you something. I did a show on the Queen Mary 2 a couple of years ago. Anybody ever been to Quebec City? Let me see. Anybody? Oh, you're just pretending to raise your hand? Was that like a fake hand raising? So I'm doing a show on the Queen Mary 2. They let me off in Quebec City. I'd never been to Quebec City. I have to fly from Quebec City, go through customs in Montreal, back home to New York. What is the language in Quebec City? French. All you wonderful people of Provo, Utah know the language is French. Mr. World Traveler, hey, it's English. It's Canada. It's French. And it's not Paris French. It's the kind of French you make up as you go. Now I had a really tight connection in Montreal. So I was a little bit nervous about making the flight. I'm already on my heels. I get to the airport in Quebec City. I give the ticket agent my passport, my boarding pass. She says to me, you don't have to pick up any luggage, we can scan it from here. So I said, what? Apparently, you don't have to pick up your luggage at customs in Montreal. They scan it from Quebec all the way to New York. Brilliant idea, especially if you have a tight connection. Brilliant idea until I got to the French customs lady in Montreal. I'm so happy. I'm zipping through the line. I get there. I give her my passport. She scans it, starts giggling. You don't want someone that can put you in jail giggling when they look at your information. Now I'm a little nervous. Then she says to me, where is your luggage? And for those of you who don't speak whatever French she was speaking, you stick your chin in your chest, you stick your tongue out, and once in a while you say, croissant. I don't know why. At the end of a sentence, they spit at you. They don't do it on purpose. So I'm thinking, perhaps that's the way the language flows. So she says to me, this is Castan, we have to look at everything in the luggage. Yes, but in Quebec City, they say my luggage gets scanned all the way to New York. I don't know. We are Castan. The sign says Castan. We have to look at everything in your luggage. This went on for four or five minutes. I said, could you please call a supervisor? I will call the supervisor. He will tell you the same thing I'm telling you. So this guy comes over. I am the supervisor. I can help you with your problem. What is your problem? Here's my problem. In Quebec City, they say my luggage gets scanned all the way to New York. She keeps going. She doesn't understand. Then he points to the computer. He goes, she does understand, but she knows you're the comedian. She's busting your chops. I swear it's a true story. And then the customer later leans over the counter. She goes, do you like the French humor? I said, no. But now we are Facebook friends and she's teaching me to speak French. What is your name? Je m'appelle Fabian. Fabian. You greedy name taker. You couldn't just have one name like everybody else. Your name is Kennedy. Do we have security anywhere in this place? I couldn't be Bobby Kennedy. So I had to stick my middle name in there. Are they coming? Mr. Cameraman, does anyone in the audience see what I'm going through? That's Bobby Barbara Kennedy. But she had to take out or put in a name. Otherwise she'd be Barbara Kennedy. Who's Barbara Kennedy? What's that? Your homeroom teacher? Who's Barbara Kennedy? Why are you telling me this stuff? Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob Kennedy, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob Kennedy. That's not even a song. I'm not Barbara. Now you're not Barbara. Two seconds ago, you were Barbara. You were Ann, you were Kennedy. Who are you now? Nancy Reagan? Who are you? Do not make me come down there. Jordan, do you see what I'm going through here? It's a cute giggle. It's a cute giggle. Don't stop giggling. It's a cute giggle. Long before I did this, whatever this is, I used to write songs. They were never on the radio because you have to be a genius to write words to a hit song. Like the song from Lion King. You know, you listen to that enough times, they're saying Pennsylvania, that's where I'm from. Pink pajamas, penguins on the bottom. Pink pajamas, penguins on the bottom. I don't know if those are the words, but that's what it sounds like to me. Music is my life and I think you know that. I'm sure you guys like rock and roll. That's why you came to this establishment. You had one job. These guys are great by the way. I make fun of them because that's what I do for a living. But without this crew and these sound people, there's no show. My pants keep falling down and I thought I was losing weight and then I realized my belly hangs over and the pants won't go above it. That is so depressing. Hey mama, look the way you move. I'm gonna make you sweat, gonna make you groove. I wish I could play that. I love that. You know, you get on stage, you have all these lights, people are talking, oh stop. She sat in the first row all night long. Now she's a verse in my silly song. Making up words as I go along. That way no one really knows if they're right or they're wrong. It's just a silly song. My name is Carly, I'm an MBO. I'm only 19 years old. My pants are 31. You depress me. You have your whole life ahead of you. Look at me. Then there's Jordan, he's been married a few years. He's only 10 years old. But him and his kids can play with the same toys. And then my best friend Barbara and Hershey, Reagan, Kennedy, Eisenhower, Nixon. Every president you'd ever want to know and their wives are all in one person. My best friend Barbara and Hershey, Bermuda Jones, Kathy and Nancy. I wrote the song. It's never been on the radio. You have to be a genius to write words to a hit song. Like Bob Dylan. Bob Dylan turned 80 this week. Or maybe it was last week. He turned 80 years old. One of the most brilliant songwriters of our time. And for his birthday I'd like to play every song ever written by Bob Dylan. Did I miss anything? Is that really his voice? You think when Bob Dylan was in kindergarten he said stuff like he took my glue and my crayon. Bobby sit down. Wouldn't that be cool? Kindergarten class full of rock stars. Elvis sit down. Mr. Springsteen, would you like to sing Itsy Bitsy Spider for the class? All right. About 10 years, guys, walking on the boardwalk in Atlantic City. You can think John, John, Bob, Barbara and Nancy Reagan. Well, Itsy Bitsy Spider, well, what a spider. Well, I came to rain, what's that spider out? Well, I came to sun, dried up all the rain. Itsy Bitsy Spider went up the spout again. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Yes, he did. Thank you very much.