Things Men Notice That Make You INSTANTLY More Magnetic | Dating Advice for Women by Mat Boggs

Men notice things that you might not realize, like these tiny signals that say, ooh, she's warm, she's magnetic, she's safe to be with. Today, I'm going to show you what men notice that most women have no idea. Because here's really the big idea. Yes, men notice looks, but even more than looks, men can feel energy. And there are cues that tell his nervous system to either move closer into this relationship or pull back and move away. And so today, we're going to look at four things that men notice what these signals are so that you can become aware of them. And as you dial these up, it's going to help you create the connections that you're actually intending to create versus unintended to push him away. The first thing that men notice on an energy level is whether or not your heart is open. Now, the truth is, I believe all of us notice this when we're experiencing relationships. The first open heart indicator is that you trust yourself. You trust your decision-making. You trust your picker. You can trust that the right thing is going to be the right thing. We're not walking on eggshells. The closed heart is really anxious because we've experienced trauma in the past or pain in the past. We're not fully trusting ourselves because we haven't done the healing work yet. The second aspect of an open heart, what it looks like and feels like, is that you love yourself enough to let someone else love you. In other words, the parts of us that at times don't feel lovable or don't feel enough, we've done enough healing work around that, that we love ourselves so much that there's a peace and there's a calm. And ultimately, we accept and receive the love from the other person. Ricky Byers Beckwith wrote a great song once where the lyrics to this song really moved me and it said, I love myself so much that I can love you so much that you can love you so much that you can start loving me. And I love that idea because that's how we help each other. We come from a place of love and wholeness that we help others step into that same place. And then it becomes this beautiful cycle of giving love. When your heart is closed on the other hand, what can it look like? Or overly self-critical is you don't actually receive compliments. You might say, wow, you look really beautiful tonight. And you're like, oh, this old thing, it's not... High self-love, high self-esteem is when someone compliments you to receive it and say, oh, thank you for noticing. Love that. When you're overly self-critical of yourself, what he feels is that he needs to walk on eggshells because he's afraid of anything that he might say might prove your inner critic right. The second way a closed heart shows up is in resentment towards your ex, knowing that you still have anger and you still have hurt about that past relationship. And so it might show up as frequently jabs or comparisons like my ex never did that. Or at least you're not like him comparing to the past. An ex shows unhealed trauma or unhealed resentment. And so what that can feel like for him is that he's auditioning against a ghost, like something that's unattainable or that there's this relationship triangle that he's now got to help you overcome this anger or this resentment against this past ex. None of us want that. We want someone who's done the work, they're clean energy, ready to move forward. The third indicator of a closed heart is if you notice yourself being overly protective. And this kind of shows up in overs and unders. The overly self-protective is sort of spewing like, oh, I've been hurt so many times and I don't trust men and so on and so forth. And really talking a lot about the pain and the hurt, that's the under. The over is, oh, I don't need anything. Like you're kind of calloused and compensated. You're like, oh, I've got it. I don't need any help. Like I'll do it. That kind of thing actually shows a closed heart and it pushes the person you want to be with away. So what do you do if you see yourself in some of these examples? Like, yeah, my heart is kind of closed. The fastest path back to love is actually self-compassion and self-love. So even if you feel like you can't trust yourself in your decision-making or you're afraid of getting hurt again, all of it gets healed and starts with self-love and self-compassion. And when you build that self-love, that self-compassion, where you're a soft place to fall in your own mind, in your own heart, then you can actually start to trust yourself more. You feel like you're enough in all circumstances. This was the biggest door opener game changer in my life was this practice of self-love. I had one of what would have been the most embarrassing moments of my life take place not too long ago. But because I've done this self-love work, it actually wasn't that bad. I had the privilege of speaking on a stage of almost 900 people in this room. And I'm opening the entire event, first one on the stage. And so I come out on stage and I've got a whole 30-minute keynote that I'm doing on stage. And the red, this, they call it a confidence monitor. My eyes kind of catch this red flashing and I look down and it says, Matt, your fly is down. My zipper was down. And I'm like standing like open to the whole crowd. And people had come up to me to try to give me a message, but I was like, no, no, no, we're starting. Here we go. And I was like, what do I do in this moment? And my mind went through like four scenarios in half a second. And it was like, you know, turn around and just try to quietly zip up the pants, but then like, everyone's going to see that. And I was trained early on to just paint it red. Like if it was actually okay, we're human, we make mistakes, paint it red and own the mistake. And so in front of 900 people, I said, you know, so I'm getting a signal from the back that says my fly is down. So excuse me one moment. I zipped up my pants and everyone laughed and they applauded. And that would have been earlier in my life, you know, my early twenties, that would have been just horrifying. Why? Because the part of me that didn't love myself enough to allow myself to make mistakes or identified with performance. And if I'm not perfect, then I'm not enough. That part of me would have been devastated. Thank God I've had all these practices of it's okay to love yourself. It's okay to make mistakes. And here's the crazy thing. I actually created a stronger bond with the audience because I was able to be human because I was able to show them it's okay to make mistakes. I had so many people come back to me at the back of the room that day saying, I loved how you handled that. She was like, when you did that, like the whole audience just relaxed and were like, oh, this is going to be a fun event. Give yourself that self-love and that will help you come from an open heart place. The second thing that men notice that most women are unaware of is we notice mindset. And two specific mindsets called either assume the best or assume the worst. And this one's sneaky because it's happening in the mind. It's happening in your head, but man, we're going to feel it in our gut. I call it best first or worst first. And what it means is best first means you're assuming the best, and then you're going to ask questions and find out if your assumption is correct. Worst first means you assume the worst case scenario. You assume this person doesn't like you. You assume that he's pulling away. You assume the worst case scenario, and then you actually act as if that's true before even finding out if that's a fact. One of these mindsets brings him closer. The other one pushes him away. Because here's the way our human mind works. When something's ambiguous, the human brain wants to close the loop. It wants to make meaning, so it will make up a story. And that story is going to drive our behavior. So if the story that we're making up based on some ambiguous behavior is, oh, I'm being rejected right now, then your text, your tone, your facial expression, your follow-up, all of that's going to come across a certain way. And often, if we feel like we're being rejected, then we come across a way in which actually kind of rejects him, and so therefore he rejects us back, and then it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. On the other hand, if the story is, oh, there's probably some reasonable explanation for this, and you stay open, you bring it up, you go direct with it and have a good conversation about it, he feels trusted, and he can lean in. What I am not saying is to whitewash bad behavior. I'm not saying that at all. You want to bring up anything that might be a yellow flag, but bring it up in a way where you assume the best, and then you discover the reality. It just so happens to be another speaking engagement. So I'm delivering this Cracking the Man Code seminar, and there's this woman sitting in the front, and the entire seminar, she's like this. She's giving me the stink eye, and I think she hates this entire content. I'm like, oh, she's completely out. So I was trying to focus my energy on the good responses I was having in the audience, and then at the end of the seminar, I had people lined up to talk to me. Well, she was in the line, and I was like, uh-oh. So I was assuming the worst in this moment. When she got to me, she goes, oh, my gosh, Matt, I love that content so much. She was like, I'm a doctor. All the science resonated with me so much. Thank you for putting this together. And I said, well, you were sitting right in the front row, right? And she was like, oh, yeah, I was right in the front row. And I said, so I was watching your face, and your face kind of looked like this, and it did not look like you were enjoying this content. And she was like, oh, my gosh. She goes, that's so funny because in total transparency and vulnerability, I'm having the worst cramps today, and they hurt so bad. But I didn't want to leave the room because I wanted to hear the content, so I just kind of put up with the pain. And I went, oh, my gosh. Here I was making a whole story in my mind about her facial expression when it had nothing to do with me. It simply had to do with her and the pain that she was in. And I would argue that this happens way more often than we like to think. We will make up a story in our minds that somebody else is thinking something about us when really they're not. And most people are in their own heads. Most people are more worried about themselves than they are about us. So our job is to push the pause button on thinking the worst first and get into the habit of thinking the best first. And I put on that practice when I'm speaking. If someone's giving me stink eye in the audience, I'm thinking, well, maybe their body just doesn't feel good, but they're loving this content. And then guess what happens to my delivery? My delivery gets better instead of shrinks down because of the mindset that I'm holding. So I'm going to give you some very specific dating examples with worst first versus best first. So let me give you some very specific examples of believing worst first versus best first and how it might get expressed into actions. Let's say there's a text delay. Worst first is thinking, oh, he's rejecting me. He doesn't like me. He's ignoring me. And so you text back, thanks for ignoring me. Best first is assuming that he's busy. He's at work. And so you text busy day question mark. Are we still on for seven? Just assuming the best, asking a question. Let's say he's quiet at dinner. He shows up and he's quiet. Worst first is thinking, he doesn't like me. He's pulling out of this relationship or he's bored with me. And so you literally ask the question, are you bored with me right now? And that assumption. Best first is thinking, maybe he's had a really stressful day and there's a lot on his mind. Maybe it's about him. So instead of saying, are you bored with me? You could simply say, do you have a stressful day today? You kind of feel like you're stressed right now. Is this something that you want to talk about or would you prefer just to keep it light? Beautiful. I love that. Do you see how best first takes the interaction where you would love it to go? It gives it a chance. Because remember at the end of the day, the story we make up in our head has to be expressed in our behavior. And then that creates a response and then boom, we've got our proof. So if it's worst first, then you're going to lead with accusation that will create distance like he doesn't care. And then that is a self-fulfilling prophecy. And let me just say why best first is so compelling because best first signals trust and trust is rocket fuel for the healthy masculine. The third energy that men notice, and really we all notice, are self-esteem cues. You notice this in the guys that you're dating. What does high self-esteem look like? And when it's authentic, it's not ego, it's not conceited, it's really grounded, anchored self-esteem. It looks like receiving compliments. But from really an authentic, humble place, you accept those compliments. You can communicate your standards with warmth and with communication. And you don't feel the need to test the other person whether or not you're wanted or you're enough. On the other hand, low self-esteem looks like jealousy coming up where you're poking fun at the other person and saying, hey, I guess somebody else is more interesting, like another beautiful person walks by, or you're fishing for compliments, like, oh, I look so terrible today, this kind of thing. A great example of this is when I was in college, my self-esteem wasn't really where it needed to be. And I went on this date with this girl that was beautiful. She was fun. I really liked her. And I'll never forget, I was fishing for compliments and trying to bait her into giving me some compliments because my self-esteem wasn't as high. And what I was doing was we were driving in the car and I was talking about how amazing my roommate was and how I kind of wanted to be like him and how he was smart and funny and charismatic and all of these things, trying to get her to say, well, you're those things too. But ultimately what she said is, maybe I should go out with your roommate. I mean, ultimately what I was doing was coming from a place of low self-esteem and it was not attractive. This is not about false self-esteem, like kind of puffing ourselves up. It's about actually coming from a place of secure self-esteem where you love yourself enough to accept the things that go well and accept the areas of growth that we still have. And so here's what it looks like in real time. Instead of testing the other person saying, hey, I guess that other person is really attractive. You actually say, hey, I'm craving a little reassurance right now. Can I get a hug? And just asking for what you want. Or instead of guilting the other person saying, I guess where I rank in your level of priorities, you text them what you want. And you say, daily check-ins really helped me feel close. Is that something you're willing to do? And it's so clean and it's so beautiful. And it's so represents high self-esteem that your man will absolutely receive that energy. And I've saved the best for last. Number four is men notice when you are a soft place to fall. In other words, here's something that most men won't say out loud. And that is because we have such a deep desire to deliver happiness, because we care about whether or not we measure up to what you want. When we miss the mark, when we botch a detail, when we pick the wrong restaurant, we feel it deeply. When we screw up, it impacts us in a deep way. And in that moment, when we're feeling it, we know that you could rake us across the coals with your words, if you want. So instead, when you meet us with softness first, it is an unforgettable experience. It tells our nervous system that we're still accepted. We're still loved, which actually makes us more eager to step up and make things right. And so what's really important is being compassionate or a soft place to fall. Doesn't mean that you're silent or that you abandon your feelings or your standards. You can still bring up what missed the mark, but you're doing it in a compassionate way, assuming the best, and then ultimately making a new agreement moving forward. I'll give you an example of this. When I was dating my wife, Irene, I somehow came across tickets for the finale of our favorite show. And at this point, this many years ago, at this point, our favorite show was American Idol. Yes, we were that couple who would sit at home on whatever night it was, Thursday nights, and we're watching American Idol. And we've got our opinions about the people singing and who's better and who's not. Yeah, I ended up going to a networking event and met somebody and they gave us tickets to the finale. And the whole instruction was dress up, look nice. You're going to be right down in front. Know this, if you are late, they lock their doors. You can't get in because it's all on TV and they want the entire place full. So they'll give your tickets to people waiting in line. So I was like, oh, no problem. I looked up online, where is the American Idol finale? Because it didn't have it on the tickets and it said, oh, the Kodak Theater. Boom. So we drive to the Kodak Theater and we're there like 45 minutes early, plenty of time. I get to the front and there's nobody there. I have this sinking feeling in my gut, like, uh-oh, this is the wrong place. Ultimately, I find out that what I looked up online was last year's location for American Idol finale, not this year's. And when I ended up finding out this year's American Idol finale was across town LA. It was going to take us 40 minutes to get there. And so I tell Irene, oh my gosh, I made a mistake. I'm so sorry. The wrong spot. Get in the car. We get in the car, we drive across town, we park, we go up to the gate and the lady at the gate with the tickets was like, oh my gosh, we gave your seats away five minutes ago. We were five minutes late. I felt so bad. I turned to Irene and she's got like tears streaming down her face. And she looks amazing. She's in this gown and she looks so good. And like I'm old, I'm in a suit. I just feel like I'm two inches tall. I feel so bad. It was completely my mistake. I was responsible for looking up where it was, driving us out there, all of this. And she could have easily just berated me, easily told me how I ruined the day, ruined the night, this experience, how pissed she was. And I'll never forget what she did. She had tears. She wiped the tears and she said, I am so sad. And I'm so disappointed that we're going to miss this. At this point, there's nothing we can do about it. And we're all human and you made a mistake. And so what are we going to do, Matt? She was like, we could either go home and feel sad about it. Or she was like, you're dressed up in a suit. She was like, I'm looking good. And I did not get this dressed up to just go back home. So let's go make some fun tonight. Let's go out to dinner. Let's go shopping. Let's go do whatever here in LA that's going to be super fun. And I was so grateful for that response. Like my whole nervous system was on edge, getting ready to like take the berating. And when she said that, I was like, wow, that is not what I was used to in a relationship. And that energy created a whole dynamic for us and the ability to be vulnerable with one another and our ability to lean in and open up because we knew, I knew that she was going to protect my heart when things went well and when things didn't go well. And it invited me to hold that same energy for her. And it was beautiful. So what are the energies that men notice? To recap, they notice when you have an open heart. They notice when you have an empowered mindset, when you're thinking the best first versus the worst first. They notice when you have self-esteem, that natural anchored self-esteem. And they notice when you are a soft place to fall. All of these things create this energy that is magnetic, that draws him in, that sets you apart from everybody else and helps him know, yes, this is the relationship that I've been looking for my whole life. So my question for you is what are the energies that you feel from a man that really draw you in, the kind of stuff that he may not know that you notice? Go ahead and post those in the comment section below and know this, I appreciate you and I'm holding the vision of you in the relationship that you would love. Thanks so much for watching and I'll see you soon.