Bryan Callen： “My Teen Daughter Already Hates Me” ｜ False Gods (2025))

I got a 16-year-old daughter, and I'm just watching her. She's going to leave the garden soon. And it's wild, man. It's just like, it was a 16-year-old daughter. That's such a bundle of positive energy. Yeah, anybody have a 16-year-old daughter? Oh, woo-hoo, yeah. She loves me. Every time she sees me, she's like, daddy, thank you for everything. Oh my god, for he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow. I've seen happier faces on coal miners, OK? Like, you have to roll your eyes that hard at me? Like, you know what I mean? It could be a little worse. I ask her the wrong questions. Like, I threw ice water on her back, literally. The other day, I'm always walking on eggshells because she's a lawyer, you know? And I look at her. She comes in, and I go, how was school? She was like, oh my god. Ask a more general question, dad. I don't know, how was school, books, teachers? OK, I'll just go slam my dick in the door. See you when you're 30, bitch. Girls are, by the way, I don't care what you say, boys are so much easier to raise than girls. So much easier, right? They're just, because boys are linear. They're linear, hungry, tired, horny, angry. I got it, you know? And plus, plus, you can threaten boys with violence. You don't want to do it? Would you rather die? I can't do that with my daughter. She figured that out five years old. She knew how the system works. I'd be like, you can stop that right now. She'd be like, no. My daughter's an intellectual, like for real. Like, my daughter's been reading novels since she was four years old, four years old. She's watching Lord of the Rings at 11 years old. I go, that was a book. She goes, a book? That's three books. I was like, I know. She's like, you've read the trilogy? I was like, I have to take this fake phone call, you know? I can't. Listen, man. My daughter wants to be a scientist, OK? For real. She wants to be a, yes, a molecular something. Like, I don't know. I know, I stopped. It was too much. I was like, I can't. Like, a molecular biological engineer, something crazy. Anyway, something that's going to, the schooling is going to cut into my retirement. And that's what I thought. Listen, feminism is expensive. That's all I'm trying to say. God bless. I love that my daughter wants to be an independent scientist. But you know, there's a part of me that's like, you have your mother's bone structure. Like, marry a multimillionaire, right? Go hang out in a bar in Dallas. Get a guy, somebody I can play golf with, you know? But no, she wants to be a scientist. This is feminism. You guys won. God bless. You got a whole generation of women. I can be an astronaut too. I love it. But somebody's got to send you to astronaut school, OK? There are a lot of fathers out there who are on food stamps. Like, I don't eat well, but my daughter's on the ******* moon. So luckily, I got a 13-year-old son. And school is not exactly his thing. That's right. My 13, I'm literally raising myself. He's a carbon copy. Carbon copy. Like, we are so alike. I'm so connected. It's unbelievable. That kid, like, he was put on the earth to punish me for my sins. Like, I'm raising me. It is unbelievable. He moves the way I do. He's in his own world. He just moves around generally, because he's thinking about something. So his body reacts. I was exactly the same way. Just generally climbing a rope in his head, playing a video game, like, g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g. It's the kind of energy dogs bark at. Like, the dog is like, is he wounded? What the **** is he doing? This is all you got to know about my son. You want to talk about marching to your own drum? He's got two options, comedy or crime. I'm telling you right now. Like, I know the type, right? And the kid, the kid, he comes down 11 years old. He comes down. He's ready for school. He's wearing a fedora. Don't know where he got it. Fits perfect, a fedora. Designer glasses, a summer scarf, and he's holding a briefcase. Nothing's in the briefcase, of course. Standing there with no irony. I'm looking at him. I'm like, what are you, what are you doing? He's like, I'm ready for school. I know, but what's going on? He's like, what? I'm like, come on. What's happening with all this? He's like, what's the problem? I'm like, well, the problem is I'm your father and I want to beat you up. And that's the problem. He just comes in the other day moving generally, like he lost keys. He doesn't own, you know, just kind of do-do-do. And I'm looking at him. I'm already like, come on, man. I was the same kid. So, you know, fit in. You know, life's going to be tough. Anyway, he sees me. He sees me and he just goes like this. He looks at me and he goes, I'm an atheist, by the way. So I'm like, you're an atheist? That's what you're going to say to me at your age? You're an atheist? He goes, yes, but I'm not taking questions at this time. Yeah. Got talked into sending him to private school, by the way. Private school because he inherited my ADHD. Right? When you live in California, in Santa Monica, that's what you do. You send him to just small classes, just sign the dotted lines, you know? It's so expensive. It's so, you know what I had to do for my ADHD? Stand up in class. That was my medication. Yeah, just stand there, fissioning around. Oh, thanks for the help. Yeah, that was me. Anyway, I pick him up from school the other day, this high-priced school wearing a uniform. I go, how was school? He goes, whatever. I'm like, whatever? What do you mean, whatever? He goes, yes, whatever. Nothing I'm learning in that school bears any relevance to what I want to do in the real world. So whatever. I'm like, what do you want to do in the real world that you can't learn in that very expensive school without missing a beat? He goes, I want to roll cigars. It's an interest of mine. You want to roll cigars? That's a real answer. You want to roll cigars? Should I send you to Cuba so you can roll ******* cigars? And he's like, oh, I can't have dreams. You're the only one who can have dreams. I can't have dreams. Have a great day, Dad, because I know I won't. And he starts walking away from me on the street. I got in trouble because I was like, I'll run you over with my ******* car. I go quick. He literally, he turns 13, his 13th birthday. I innocently go, what do you want for your birthday? He goes, bongos. I'm like, OK, first of all, don't do that face after you say bongos. Don't go with it. That's a dull face. Don't go, duh. Don't do that with your face. It's disrespectful, so don't say that. How would I know you want bongos? He goes, well, I want bongos. Since when do you want bongos? He goes, since I got a calling for them. Do you have a calling for the bongos? And if I buy you bongos, you're going to play the bongos? He goes, every chance I get, constantly. But I want good bongos. I want real bongos. I don't want fake bongos. I want good quality bongos. OK, guess I'll go to bongos.com and get you bongos. And then he can't let that go. He looks at me and he goes, but I want the kind of bongos that can also attach to your waist. And I said, come here. Come here. You need to come here. I want you to look in my eyes. This is important. Look into my eyes, OK? ------- never, all right? He was like, why? I go, why? Because I don't want a 13-year-old son walking around, *******, I don't want that. My friends will know I failed as a father. So no bongos for you. It's unbelievable. The only kid that doesn't give me ulcers is my soon-to-be three-year-old, my little Cody. He's so cute. I know. I can't take it. He's just like, I can't remember. I love my kids so much, all of them. But this one, I just, I want to bite him with my back teeth. You know that? I can't believe more parents don't accidentally eat their children, for real. He's so cute. And he's a little ginger. I know. It's weird to be a white guy. I have to raise a minority in my own home, right? That's what's crazy. Gingers, if you're a guy, good luck getting laid, right? It's going to be a hard life. Women, if you're a ginger, that's hot. But I don't think ginger dudes get laid in Scotland. That's where they're from. You ever heard a Scottish woman say, I want a man who's tall, pale, and orange. When I saw you coming over that hill, Angus, for the first time, I thought you were a torch. I thought the sun was rising early. You burn a bush. I'm so done. Said no Scottish woman ever.