Roman Danylo _ Guessing an Audience Member's Life Story _ Full Episode _ Comedy Now!

Comedy Now Uncensored Starring Roman Danilow Please welcome Roman Danilow Thanks a lot How's everyone doing this evening? This is great, it's a nice full crowd This is nice, eh? Yeah, it's nice doing stand-up for a full crowd Because doing stand-up for a small crowd kind of sucks, you know what I mean? Because it's stand-up, right? So it's a fine line between a show and a guy at a party that just won't shut up You know what I'm saying? It's good to be here, you know? I've been flying all over, just flew back in Yeah, I flew in just the other day We're flying in there, we're just about to land All of a sudden, like, the plane takes off again back up into the air Like that Seriously, everybody's screaming in the cabin It's like five minutes later, finally the pilot comes on and goes Yeah, sorry about that, folks We got in a little close to another plane Killed me how calm he was, right? Because you know for the past five minutes he was up there freaking out But they're trained to be so calm for those announcements We have no idea what's going on, right? They're going, oh man, the left engine's on fire Oh sweet Jesus, the left engine's on fire Ladies and gentlemen, if you'd like to look out the right side of your plane You'll see a lake And I don't know why they feel the need to tell us this is the captain speaking Before those announcements, right? Like, who else would it be? Ladies and gentlemen, this is some guy From economy class I just snuck up here to use this thing The captain wasn't looking And I'm not wearing any pants Here comes the captain, gotta go, bye They're so anal about having the seatbelt on in the planes, too Like, what's the point, you know? Isn't crashing in a plane sort of an all-or-nothing situation? I loved your news report where they go, oh, the plane crashed into the side of a mountain But all 325 passengers were just fine because they were wearing their seatbelts Frankly, I'd like to have my seatbelt off in the event of an accident, you know? Just so I can have that last moment where I go hurtling through the cockpit Fly by the captain and go, you bastard! Chance to slap him upside the head before I die I'd hate to fall out of a plane I think about that a lot, eh? That would suck Because it would take way too long to die Long enough to stop screaming And I think that's a bad thing, don't you think? You're like, oh, oh, oh I can't believe I fell out of a plane I was just trying to go to the can I should really mark those doors better Now I'm gonna die And I gotta pee I suppose I could just go right now, I don't really know But then it'll probably all splash up in my face No, no, I don't think I want to die with pee That was man falling from plane Thank you very much, thank you I don't like going to the airport security You know why I don't like it? I don't like them telling me what to do right before I'm about to do it, you know? Like, take your laptop out, sir Put your change in this thing Yeah, it's like, I know We're all familiar with this procedure, right? Is anyone still showing up at this thing going Hey, what's with the conveyor belt? Who are all you low-income employees? And is that a Stargate? Yeah, it's a Stargate Down through three hours later You're in Saskatoon without your luggage It's awesome Then they might give you the random search I love that, eh? I love how that's supposed to be a deterrent for terrorists Don't try anything, we might search you These guys strap bombs to their bodies and blow themselves up I don't think they're worried about getting caught, you know? Like, I'm prepared to annihilate myself and everyone around me What's that? Random search? Oh, **** that ----, I'm out of this Suddenly this idea is far too risky They got a whole bunch of stuff on the planes now that they didn't have They got the individual movies, right? For everybody, which is a nice addition Of course, they don't edit the movies Because there's too many of them now, right? So then they leave in, like, the sex scenes and the nude scenes You're sitting around strangers That's awkward It's like, ooh, yeah, boobies Take a look at that They're really going at it, aren't they, yeah? I chose this one, I chose this, yeah What are you and your kid watching, Shrek? Oh, yeah, that's pretty good, too That's good, too Anyways, I better get back to my sex show Sometimes I get to fly first class, which is nice But it's usually on discount airlines So it's not quite the same Still get those moist towels But they only give you one per row You're on the window, it's cold It's got lipstick All right Stayed in fancy hotels sometimes That's interesting They get a lot of services in the fancy hotels That you don't need, though Like the turndown service You know this one? This is where they come into the room for you in the evening At some point, and they turn down the bed sheet for you Like, if they didn't do that I wouldn't be able to figure it out You're standing at the corner of the bed Oh, man, it looks so comfortable But I can't figure it out It's like a Chinese lockbox or something End up lying naked in the corner of the room I'm so cold If only they had some sort of turndown service Show me how to operate the sheets And maybe a chocolate on the pillow for sustenance I'm traveling all the time, though It's nice to be here I'm living out in B.C., though I live out in supernatural British Columbia Yeah I was pooped on by a bird the other day Yeah, man And it was the second time in one month So I said, that is it, man I'm getting these birds back Let me tell you, you gotta stand outside for a long time With your pants down like this Before a bird comes randomly flying through I did, I waited it out, right? Took about two days Finally, a sparrow comes whipping through Boom, I nailed him, right? Clipped him on the wing He spun off and hit the curb I was like, yeah, wash that off, my friend It's very satisfying Very satisfying indeed So because of that I've decided to get all the animals back For the things they're doing to us Oh, yeah, man I'm out there I'm humping dogs' legs, huh? I'm ignoring cats, sure I'm sucking the blood out of mosquitoes You're gonna be itchy in the morning, my friend I'm baffling the Sasquatch With a blurry photo of myself I'm selling whale CDs Of me making annoying noises And passing it off as music Oh I've got a pet now I've never had a pet before I got a cat And I was very concerned Because I got a lot of germ issues My friends tell me Don't worry, Roman Cats are very fussy When it comes to hygiene Right? But my cat likes to lick its own ass And drink out of the toilet If you ask me They're not fussy enough I'd say that's rather carefree When it comes to hygiene Wouldn't you say? Cats are more like risk takers If I sat around licking my ass all day You wouldn't call me fussy In fact, you wouldn't call me at all And I'd be fine Because I'd be licking my own ass What do I want to talk to you for? Besides, how do you hold the phone? You know what I'm saying? They say a good way To discipline the cat Is with a squirt pistol I've got to tell you That's awesome, man That's like playing paintball And I'm the only one who's armed I'm kicking that cat's ass But it's a good disciplinary thing So I thought I'd try it On my girlfriend too No, seriously She does something I don't like I'm like, hey, honey You know? Stop drinking out of the toilet That's really gross But I have had the cat Properly spayed and neutered I did both I wasn't sure I just wanted to make sure You know? Because I don't want to Accidentally see any animals Having sex You know what I mean? You ever seen that On a nature show? Not a lot of romance to it For the animals, is it? It's just pretty much All business Just mount her While she's at the trough It's kind of like Going to the Crocodile Rock Have you been? Anyone? Afterwards? A couple people? You, sir? No, you're not I'm glad I don't have to Go to those places anymore The Crocodile Rock That kind of stuff They're all so loud Jeez, you've got to get So awkwardly close to your buddy If you want to talk Or something like that The whole point You're supposed to get Close to women There's me and my friend Cheek to cheek Man, this is awesome Your skin is so soft Do you think Those girls think we're gay? Because my lips are Touching your earlobe? Let's just not talk For a while And all those tough guys In there I'm not a real tough guy I used to be very tough And competitive So what I did is I took a yoga class Which was good Because I won I kicked ass I came in first I was in a fight Just recently, though Yeah, and it was Two against one, you know So thank God There were two of us Because it totally made it easy And we had to Because this guy Looked like he was Going to attack us With his cane Seriously He's tapping the ground Menacingly as he came Towards us there With his dark glasses And ---- So we jumped him I don't think he saw it coming Anyway, so That worked out That was a positive thing I'm not a tough guy, though I'll tell you that much You look like a tough guy Over there I was watching A hockey game And Thomas had this one guy He got two teeth knocked out And then five minutes later He's back in the game Two teeth! Man! If I bite the inside Of my cheek I'm in bed for a week I swear to God Like, oh no It hurts when I drink juice I better stay in I think I better stay in Bit of a hypochondriac, too I end up going to my doctor a lot But my doctor's all pale And sickly looking It's not a good idea, is it? That's like going to A financial advisor Who's always bumming money For smokes I got a chiropractor I was talking to him About how they learn Chiropractors practice In school on each other They don't know What they're doing yet I don't know about you But I had partners In science class That made some pretty sloppy Cuts on that frog, you know How do you partner In chiropractic school? That's some high stakes It's like, what, Jordan? No, I don't want Jordan I'm gonna die I don't wanna die I know, I'll go first Hey, Jordan, how you doing? Snap, oh, need a new partner here You know what happened I got a massage therapist now, too I even went and got a facial Ladies, what the hell? I thought you're supposed To look good afterwards They're yarding and squeezing On my face I walk out of there I look like I've been in a fight Because guys, if you don't know What they do is what's called Extractions, right? So they take these Properly sterilized implements And they get all the gunk Out of your face Which is good I think we should leave that To professionals Because we've all gone After something that we shouldn't At some point, am I right? Got a little blemish on your face Give me the thumbtack And the rusty pliers I'll get it And you always make it Way worse than it was Yeah, now no one can tell I had that pimple on my face Because now it just looks Like I've been shot That's perfect I'm ready for the big date Got people on dates Here tonight Whoop, one person By themselves Somebody's pointing out Other people That's weird On a date by yourself What the hell, take yourself out Go to lunch Dance with yourself Have a blind date Surprise yourself It'll be weird Oh, it's you I didn't expect you Me I'm glad I don't go On dates anymore I'm hooked up now Because that was Too much stress, man I remember going on a first date With somebody once Honest to goodness And we're sitting there And we're having a meal And somehow I got too much Tension on the knife And the fork And I accidentally flicked A little food Like up onto my head You know, it's pretty Embarrassing when you Gotta reach your napkin Like this far past your mouth Right? There's no subtle way For her to go Oh, you got a little Something right here Up in this part here But I would always Order for the lady on the date And I think that's The classy thing to do, right? Besides, it's much easier For me to do it Than for her to have to Yell past me to get Through the drive-thru window So I think that that's What makes me A good guy Been driving a lot in my car Boy, there's no better feeling Than when you're driving In your car And someone makes a mistake In front of you And you have just Every legitimate reason To just lay on that horn Don't you just love that feeling? You're like, wrong! Error! Wrong! Oh, you are so incorrect Wrong! You pick up your food At the next window Wrong! I got a new car too Oh, but I got it in an accident Like driving it home From the lot No It was embarrassing, right? A little fender bender It was embarrassing Taking it into the Auto repair place They're like, uh What's the mileage on the car? I'm like, uh Seven 7,000 kilometers? No, just seven Seven blocks, actually Seven blocks I didn't get very far You know the thing we all do When we're driving, you know And you see a cop Somewhere on the road Around you Everybody slows down, you know Put your hands At the ten and two position Swallow your crack pipe You know what I'm talking about Right? And it's all Just because of what's Painted on the cop car I think that's weird, right? I want to paint something In my car That makes me That makes people go faster You know? Like, I don't know Like Jehovah's Witness Or something like that Yeah Get downtown Five minutes every time Even the cops Wouldn't pull you over, right? Do you know how fast You were going? Have you heard The word of the Lord? Would you step out Of the car, please? Would you take Jesus Christ As your Lord and Savior? Move along God bless It's a good plan, huh? I was driving on the highway Honest to goodness I saw this I saw a sign that said Slow I'm talking ball rides Forget it Let's do it Everything I'm talking carts Walkers The whole bit We took this old lady's walker We pimped the ---- out of it Put some subwoofers On the side You got to Because that ************'s deaf You know what I'm talking about? Some hydraulics On the front now Bounces up and down When she walks and ---- It's ******* hilarious We took this cowboy's horse We gutted it We put in a DVD player Lift up the tail That's a PlayStation Take a look at that Watch that show I got a new place now, too I got a place I think I bought a place Just for the names I like the names Like the name of my Management company is Pacific Quorum And I'm landlord I like those names It makes me feel like I'm in Star Wars Or something like that Showed up at the AGM With a cloak and a hood Members of the Strata Council It's my special assessment That we have an ingress Of the molds What part of the building Are you talking about, sir? The dark side Doesn't drive I don't know what happens To me when someone tries To get in my building Behind me And they don't have a key Suddenly I turn into Apartment security Afraid of getting caught I can't let you in It's against regulations According to section 2 Of the note pinned up On the bulletin board In the laundry room I know it's cold outside I know you're my roommate Should have thought of that Before you lent me your keys We got some couples here We got some couples Sitting in the front One guy Couple Lots of energetic couples That's nice Oh, a young couple Yeah, touching each other It's a show for me That's nice I love seeing people In the initial stages Of a relationship Where they're still happy To be staring at each other For long periods of time That goes away After a while, doesn't it? You know what I mean? Like five or six years Into a relationship If your mate looks at you like that You're like What the **** are you looking at? What the hell's wrong with you? I think the staring Comes back in old age But it comes back For all the wrong reasons Doesn't it? Mmm, honey I don't know where I've been But my pants are wet It's love I don't know Where we're supposed to get Our advice from on relationships Like Dr. Phil Have you seen that guy? Dr. Phil coming out In the afternoons Yelling at people Coming up with weird-ass Analogies and stuff He's like What are you trying to hide? See, a relationship Is like a dog You gotta feed it And expect it to be dead In 12 to 13 years Relationship is like a shower If you're not familiar With the nozzle You might get burned In a very sensitive area You see Relationship is like the circus It's a lot of fun But if something goes wrong The midgets are the first to go What the hell That guy's talking about, right? And then people get involved In weird stuff When they've been In a relationship too long Like sexually Like I read about Another one of these guys Who died Trying to asphyxiate himself While having sex Heard about this? Apparently what they do Is they put a bag On their head Or they cut off Their circulation Because that's supposed To improve their orgasm Have you tried that, buddy? Does that work for you? I don't know If that would work for me I don't know You know what I find Generally improves my orgasm? Friction on my penis That really does the trick Escalating tugging Or prodding on my genitalia Seems to work just fine I'm old fashioned that way Call me a freak Someone actually asked me My sexual preference The other day And I didn't know what to say Because the word preference Implies that you Prefer it one way But you'll accept Something else, right? It's like I prefer the ladies But if a guy's all you've got left I'll do him And that's just not the case Preference is not The right word, right? Aisle or window That's a preference Spicy or mild That's a preference Cock or no cock That's a rule That's at least a rule Am I right? But rules are meant to be broken Am I right, fellas? You know what I'm talking about When it comes to sex stuff It's great too Because you ladies You can wear the outfits, right? With the hoses and the garters And the snaps And the woo And it's wonderful It enhances your sensuality But guys, you know There's pretty much nothing We can do, right? There's pretty much Yeah Gaunch What do you think? Blue, you like that? Hey, I got a hole right here You can almost see my butt What do you think of that, huh? Yeah Pull out some of the hair That'd be great Wink It's terrible And when it comes to masturbation You ladies have it way easier, man You can be doing it Through your clothes, right? You can be in a crowded elevator Pretending to be searching For your keys or something Where are my keys? There are my keys Guys, it's much more elaborate Things are unzipped You know, there's equipment There's usually a single sock In the room somewhere Burst in on a lady She moves her hand to one side No one is the wiser Try and burst in a guy He's like, hold on I need roughly 13 minutes To clean this ---- up Don't come in Mom I was reading about tantric sex You know about tantric sex? Oh my goodness The whole point of tantric sex Is guys are supposed to be able To hold on to their essence So they talk of ways That guys can climax Without ejaculation Sounds like a bad idea to me Don't you think? That's just pretty much The dry heaves, isn't it? It's like Nothing's coming out of you Someone call an ambulance Dry Makes a lot of sense though Because you masturbate A couple of times in one day You got no life energy left, right? You're like, look at the birdies Someone could hit you In the head with a brick And you'd be like, I want some soup That's after a couple of times Let alone like five or six, right? Or seven That's my record, seven Anyone beat seven? Come on, I know you've all Gone for a record at some point You got the day off work You're like, **** it I'm going for the double digits First few times It's a lot of fun too But that's seven That's a bit of work When you're going for a record You're like, come on Give me something, let's go Slam it in the car door Come on, let's go Look under the jumper cables Come on, get it In the first few times There's a lot of fluid too But that's seven It's pathetic There's nothing left, right? It's like Ah, ah, ah I've made a horrible mess I better run over there And get the Q-tip And clean that up I don't want to put anyone out Yeah, I'm in a relationship now Though I'm getting used to Saying I love you When I hang up the phone A little too used to it, you know It's becoming a bit of a habit Doing it with everybody Like the pizza guy Tech support, you know I'm serious, it's bad Accountant called me up the other day Yeah, Rudy, we can go over my taxes Yeah, okay Thursday at 4.30 Okay, yeah, I'll see you then Love you Show up with my box of receipts He's worried I brought him A box of chocolates or something And he gives me my tax bill And then we just spoon for a little while Because Sometimes you just need to be held These guys are laughing Too hard at that Has he told you he loves you Sometime on the phone? Hey, Ronnie, I'll be over at 4 Love you I'm going to have to spoon him It's good to be here I spent some time in Los Angeles For a while there And that's a surreal place Los Angeles I'll give you an example Of how strange it is Driving along with my friend In a car We look over at the car And next to this big guy Kind of hunched over With long hair I go, hey, look at Fabio Over here We both look over And it was Fabio It's weird Everybody's so ambitious there You know It's very strange Like everybody's trying To be number one What a ridiculous way To live, right? Only one of us Can be number one That means that 99.99% Of us are guaranteed To be disappointed However, we just change it Slightly to just Don't be last Hey, that'd be great, right? We can all be quite Pleased with ourselves We can even predetermine Who the last place person Will be Let's see, you there, buddy What's your name? Rick? Frank? Great, Frank's gonna take The bullet for all of us Right? It'd be great We'll all be sitting around I got no job And I smoke pot all day But at least I'm not Frank Thanks, man He's happy about it I love it Everybody's trying so hard To be in the movies And stuff there And the romantic movies You know Those are, you know Deceiving because They always show the person Like, you know With love interest Showing up at the airport Buying a ticket that day Chasing down his love You ever bought a ticket That day at the airport? It's enormously expensive I'm glad I know that now I can see myself Getting all caught up I love her, man The love of my life She's on the red-eye to Paris How much is the ticket? 4,800 bucks Bye-bye, baby Daddy's singing a new song now And it's a solo I used to be really bad At arguments But I figured it out All you gotta do is repeat What the last person said You know, **** me, **** you You think I left the sofa But I think you left the stove on I didn't tell you I had a penis You didn't tell me You had a penis Switch it on Arguments are stupid, eh? I overheard this couple Honest to God I overheard this couple One time in LA Looking out at the water And they're having The dumbest argument The guy's like Oh, and if you see a shark You punch him in the nose The girl's like No, when you see a shark You poke him in the eye He's like No, you punch him in the nose The guy's like You know what happens When you see a shark You piss yourself And then you die Because it eats you Why are you fighting? Idiots I feel like I'm getting dumber Anyone else getting dumber As they go along here? Yeah Anyone else's brain Almost exploded Trying to fold a fitted sheet? What was the quarter On this thing? No matter what I do It comes out as a pile You know what I think Is a real big problem Is the spell check On the computer Because now whenever I gotta write anything out by hand I gotta edit what I say For easier words to spell Has anyone else Gone through that? It's like Thank you very much For your recent invitation I was ecstatic Ecstatic Happy That you thought of me When I received Receive, I I before E Got your mail I immediately Immediately Soon was Happy good man Love, Roman Good night Computers I don't trust You ever send an email To somebody And they just go Yeah, no, I didn't get it What the hell I thought that's the whole Point of computers They're supposed to be precise I don't want a computer If it's gonna be like Some pothead roommate You know Someone left a message For you man But I don't know Where it is So You wanna search me for it? Just throw out Some key words And I get the spam too I get the spam I got a spam For penis enlargement cream Yeah I tried that You know, so Yeah Said rub this cream On your penis And your penis will grow It worked I think the rubbing Had something to do with it And I was immediately Sleepy afterwards So it has side effects So look out for that I need somebody Out of the crowd So let's see if I can Pick somebody Oh, people that are Volunteering That always makes me Uncomfortable No, I'm gonna grab One of these dudes Here in the front row I think I'm gonna grab I wanna grab this guy Right here What's your name? Rick Rick, big round of applause For Rick He's gonna come give me a hand Come on, Rick Come on up Rick, you seem like A real nice guy Have a stand in front Of this microphone So people can hear you Rick, stand up Nice and close to that What do you do For a living, Rick? I'm a financial advisor Oh, financial advisor It's your fault Alright Okay, Rick Well, you seem Pretty casual For a financial advisor That's great Do you live by yourself Or do you live with anyone? I live with my kids You live with your kids Okay, great So, Rick You live with your kids It's gonna be awesome I'm gonna hand you This right here And I want you To give that a squeeze Up to the microphone There you go That's all you gotta do, Rick Okay Now, what's gonna happen Is I don't know Anything about Rick I know that he's A financial advisor And he lives with his kids That's it So what I'm gonna do Is I'm gonna guess At the rest of your life I'm gonna recreate A day in the life of Rick And if I do something That's not quite accurate I want you to hold that up And squeeze it And I'll have to switch To something that's hopefully A little bit closer To your daily life If you do not squeeze that We will all assume That what I'm doing Is an accurate portrayal Of your everyday existence Okay, you got that, Rick? Alright, good So we're just gonna start At the beginning of Rick's day And we'll just see what happens Oh, boy, oh, boy Let's see It's 4 a.m. It's time for me To get up and go to work Apparently I get up At 4 every day That's right A financial advisor Has to get up early Rise and shine That's what I always say I'm just gonna relax Because my kids Are gonna bring me Breakfast in bed Damn Damn, I gotta feed Those little rug rats Every morning They never do anything for me Oh, but before I do that Of course, I'm gonna Start my day with my Extensive exercise regime I'm gonna I think I'm just gonna have Some pizza for myself I'm gonna eat it all I don't think Maybe I'll just smoke and drink To get going in the morning here No, I'll just drink That's all I'll do That's fine Kids, watch what Do what daddy says Not what daddy does Alright? Alright, I'm gonna have to Head out here I'm gonna head off to work I'm gonna get my Brand new Lexus Brand new expensive I guess I'm taking the bus It's been a hard year Been a hard year For financial advisors Bit of a recession here I am taking the bus Well, that's I guess it really has Been a hard year Alright Here I am At my financial advisor office I work for one of the Biggest companies there is A huge company I guess I'm working in the Basement suite Of my parents' place This is I guess I just Oh, wow I just work Work my own little shop here I love being a Financial advisor There's nothing better About it in life Wow I I hate this job This I'm indifferent to what I do Gotta do something Gotta kill the day Anyways I definitely know Everything there is to know About financial advising I'm as smart as they come Alright, good Alright, I'm gonna Talk to one of my Clients on my phone There's nothing that I like better than Dealing with clients At my job every day I love working With these people Apparently I do Hey Good to see you I'm gonna help you out Whatever I'm gonna invest your stuff I'm happy to say I can guarantee you A hundred percent return Your guess is as good as mine So good luck Well, I've done Some hard work It's time for me To head off to work For the day It's about noon I'm done Not bad Alright I'm gonna head out To do some volunteering For my church group Because that's what I like to do Apparently I'm gonna do that And then I'm gonna go out And give money To all of my neighbors Forget it I'm going to the strippers That's what I'm doing Big round of applause For our volunteer Good job We're all spending Too much time On the computers, man Anyone else Using the same password For pretty much everything? I got so sick and tired Of coming up With new passwords All the time That I get mad, right? So I'd come up With passwords You know, like I don't know Like, like **** you, Royal Bank Or something like that Which is really fun Until you gotta Call tech support Then they're like What's your password? Oh yeah It's um It's a **** you, Royal Bank F isn't funny U isn't unique C isn't crazy guy I do like that thing That thing where You gotta get a word That the letter starts with So they know What the letter is You can have a lot Of fun with that Oh yeah What's my username? Oh yeah Let's see My username Let's see It's uh It's K as in knight P as in phase T as in tsunami G as in gnome You got that? We're all talking To all these Automated phone centers All the time too And they're not even Really good listeners They're like After the tone Please say your name Boop Uh, Roman I heard Chinequa Is that correct? No It's not even close Sorry you're having trouble Goodbye Boom That's the ultimate Kiss off When they hang up On you like that Eh? Wish I could hang up On people like that Girlfriend calls you up We need to talk About a relationship Sorry you're having trouble Goodbye Boom Knockin' out the door And call displays Kind of ruin Prank calls For teenage boys Hasn't it? Plus my fridge is running And I will go catch it Thank you Son of Peter And Glennis Swanson 555-6262 And I got A cell phone too And I got the earpiece For the cell phone Cause I didn't want the cancer I wanted the no cancer Option with mine So I was trying to figure out How mine works Cause it doesn't have A microphone on the wire Mine just reads my voice Through the earpiece Like through the vibrations In my head Well now I just sound Slightly handicapped To all my friends, right? They're like Hey Roman, how's it going? I'm pretty good How you guys doing? Uh, Roman are you okay? I got a new cell phone What do you need? Should we call an ambulance? I gotta go I gotta go, bye Talk to you later Weird, right? Got that thing hanging I got contacts too I feel like I got All this equipment on me All the time, you know I went to the mall I had to get my contact solution It said on the bottom of the bottle It said for sensitive eyes So I thought That's pretty good I'll take that one I seem to have Quite sensitive eyes Then I was thinking Geez, doesn't everyone Have sensitive eyes? You know what I mean? Is there a contact solution Out there for rugged eyes? A big bowl of acid Or something? Some steel wool I don't even take them out anymore I just scrape them off, you see I've got the rugged eyes Want me to open your beer? They're very rugged Actually I wanted to go Get that laser eye surgery But I couldn't afford it So now I just go play laser tag And try to get shot in the face It's coming along Couple more adjustments Actually I went to the mall Because I wanted to get a toy For my nephew And I got him A Mr. Potato Head I thought that was pretty good Right, Mr. Potato Head? That's nice You know, but it said On that package It said for ages 2 to 92 And I was thinking Geez, what suddenly happens At 93? You can no longer handle Mr. Potato Head You were good playing with it Through your 60s and 70s Suddenly at 93 I'm snapping I'm putting his eye Where his ass is Get this thing away from me But it's a good toy, right? And I didn't want to get him A gun Because then they just play murder I don't get that Right, we don't get him Other toy crimes to play with You know, you don't get him Like a miniature drug kit Or anything like that Look, Mommy I can't find a vein That wouldn't be right You wouldn't do that Right? You wouldn't do that You wouldn't get him Like a pimpin' board game Or anything like that You turned a trick card Give me my money, bitch It's cute, but not right I saw a kid bang his head In the mall today, too That was a treat, right? No Just because when they're Really small, you know And they haven't hit Their heads enough To know that pain Immediately follows So there's that weird pause While they're figuring it out It's like Wah They put that pause in On purpose, right? Gives the parents Just enough time to yell Get down, this kid's gonna blow We got parents here Anyone, parents? Any parents? Brave people Good people You're like pointing at them My parents right here Are they your parents? No? That one is? That's awkward No, that's very awkward I don't know who the guy is But that Yeah, that's good I don't know if I want kids, man Brave people, I mean I don't know if I want kids Too much can go wrong, you know Seriously I've seen a lot of crappy ones Out there Having tantrums at the airport For no reason Just looking over at the parents Going, oh, thank God I'm not you Thanks for repopulating The planet and all that But I gotta go Catching a plane Heading off to Vegas For the weekend Cause I can't And besides, we got a cat And I think cats are Smarter than babies I've noticed Seriously, my sister Brought her baby over Even the cat's Kind of looking at it Going, seriously? You've been on the planet Two years This is the best You've come up with? Completely self-sufficient Poo in a box Clean myself What are you Constantly crying for? At six months They lopped off my nuts Get yourself together, man My cat gets mad like that Won't shut up Besides, I spend a lot of money On frivolous stuff Like, I spend money On coffees all the time Jeez, why do they Gotta make coffee so damn hot At these coffee places, right? It doesn't need to be Piped in from a volcano We know your electricity works They know it's too hot, too That's why they give you Those insulating sleeves They're like, whatever you do Don't just grab the ---- With your bare hands But by all means Pour it into your mouth That'll be just fine I think that's why They can sell Crappy muffins, you know I got no taste buds left It's like, yeah, okay I guess I'll have The tree bark bar Doesn't matter, you know Forget it, I'm just gonna Eat this napkin, I'm good Thanks I like to go Into restaurants, too I like to go into restaurants And pretend I work there Go up to tables and say Are you finished with that? And they say, yeah Then I just start Eating their leftovers Said you were finished I don't like restaurants That try to get really creative With the gender signs In the restaurant, you know In the washrooms It's not just man or woman Like, I went into This Latin place this one time One door, it's a picture Of a maraca And the other door Is a piñata and a stick I'm like, oh, **** Oh, they both sort of Look like my penis I'm just gonna piss In the kitchen to be safe I don't know I had to go to the One of the washrooms Gas station washroom Got the key attached To the spatula thing Oh my god I guess it's so they Don't want you to walk away With it accidentally But I'm like, hey Free spatula, this is great Besides, I don't want to Walk back in there With that thing Everybody knows what you did It's like, that's right, everyone I just pooed, that was me Out there pooing Anybody want it next? Anyone? No? I'll hand it off to you It's not a spatula Why a spatula? It's mixed messages It shouldn't be in there, right? They're going, well I don't know what they I guess they want me To flip it a couple times Before I go This seems very unnecessary You ever in a public Washroom and you're in there Trying to get some toilet Paper out of the dispenser But for some reason They've got like the dispenser Cranked up way too damn tight So you only get like One square at a time Or sometimes it's so tight You only manage to get What you pinch between Your fingers Thanks very much Doesn't help me with My objective But if I cut myself Shaving, I'm ready to go Gotta have steady hands If you want to get Any multiple squares Out of the damn thing Suddenly feels like You're diffusing a bomb In there or something Mission Control I have two squares in the clear Roger that, two squares In the clear Mission Control I'm going for a third square That's a negative, John Do not go for three squares They've got it cranked up Way too tight You'll never make it Take two squares And get the hell out of there Damn it, Mission Control You guys aren't in here You don't know what I need And they got the The automated soap Dispenser in there now You seen this thing? What, the pump Was too much for people? Your hand was going there anyway You could have just Pumped along the way No, we need a machine For this Waste of technology I think even the machine When it found out its function Was like, seriously? This is what I do? Pretty high tech over here Could have been on the shuttle No, I'm ejaculating soap Into human hands It's great There you go, buddy You look dirty There you go Tell your friends And they got the They got the The motion detector For the towel dispenser And that thing never works Too, right? That one's just a decoy I think they're just Tricking you into air drying Your own hand It's like, come on Let's go Look at that That's super good It's all dry Didn't even need A microprocessor Pretty soon all that stuff's Going to be voice activated You know, that's coming Down the pike That's going to be weird Bunch of guys in there Mumbling to themselves Flush Rinse Dry Need more Flush Soap Flush Tech support What is going on In the guys' washroom? Seriously, guys We are not working As a team anymore In there It is a mess Like, what? Are you doing jumping jacks When you pee? At this point We might as well Not even have a toilet Let's just have a room Where we go piss on Whatever we feel like We'll have things Light up We'll make it a game Guys love that That's one time I had to go into The girls' washroom Because the guys was locked Oh, what a wonderful world It is in there Everything's all disinfected You know, it smells of potpourri Little post-it notes On the mirror Saying things like You're pretty Oh my god Bluebirds holding up The corners of the toilet paper In their mouth I'm never going back Ladies, guys Aren't washing their hands They are not washing their hands I'm telling on the guys Right now They are not doing it Well, you know Sometimes if they see Another guy there They might do that Half-assed little Cheeky eye wash Like that quick No soap, no scrub And that's not doing anything Right? That's not being safe You know what that's like? That's like wearing A condom during sex But just rolling it Over your left nut You're not doing anything Thanks very much You guys have been a great crowd I'm Roman Downlow Good night!